Why we rejected rules and punishment in our Taken In Hand relationship

We're very happy and our relationship has been what you might term a Taken In Hand or “traditional with extras” one for about 5 years. How has our relationship evolved over that time?

Like many others, we started out with a lot of rules and so forth but gradually that all changed. Now it's as natural as breathing for me to look up to my husband as the leader in almost everything. I don't need reminders or limits or punishments; it's just who we are.

Frankly, we didn't do well with that whole punishment-rules routine we started with. It didn't last very long. I already had a burning desire to make my husband happy so when I'd fail him in some way, I'd feel so horrible, it was far worse than the punishment.

Even though he was wonderful about praising me afterwards and all that. He was doing everything right, I just couldn't cope, not with my type of personality.

I started to spiral into a wife who jumped with alarm whenever he'd be upset about anything, even if it wasn't about me. This made him very distraught and terribly unhappy with himself since he loves me to pieces and the very last thing he ever wanted was for me to get jumpy or afraid of him. He wanted me to feel completely secure and well-loved. He would immediately stop and call me to him when he'd see me upset and stroke me, calming me.

But knowing that he could physically punish me at any moment if I blew it somehow definitely did not make me feel secure at all but quite the opposite.

So after much talking (well, mostly me opening up more to him in one really long talk one night, though I resisted being totally honest because I wasn't sure I wanted to give it up—some of it was great—but after he heard me out, he insisted on changing some of it) my husband and I relegated all smacks and so-called “punishments” to bedroom play only and it's quite enjoyable now.

In the marriage, I still defer to him as I would a superior officer who is also a good friend, but I still have my say, too. In the bedroom, my role is far different since that is where most of these desires came from in the first place. I am very subservient sexually and he is very demanding of me but we enjoy that. A LOT!

Things have changed since the beginning: it's gotten much better.

It's best to roll with the punches with this kind of thing and figure out what truly makes you both happy. That's all that matters.

[EDITOR'S NOTE TO THE WRITER: If you let me know that you wrote this article and give me a byline (name) to apply to it I will attribute your article accordingly.]

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Very Pleased

I am so pleased that you wrote this. I have recently discovered Taken In Hand despite being in a seemingly taken in hand relationship for 8 years.

Reading articles the part that concerned me most was that of the discipline and punishment side: it simply doesn'r happen in our relationship. I defer to my husband in almost everything and, like the author of the original post, the emotional pain of disappointing my husband is far worse than any physical punishment could ever provide.

This has made me realise that I can still be Taken in Hand without the physical punishment. Thank you!


Thank you for this.

It is nice to hear others pointing out that Taken in Hand does not always equal spanking. Sometimes it is the voice "Come here." "You need to ___ ." "Do not forget to ___ ." Whatever he says...in a commanding kind of way. Unapologetically. Like he knows it will get done.

The look accompanied by a hand gesture. Looking me in the eyes and calling me with a finger.

Gentle reassurance with the stoke of a hand on my back, that everything is OK and he is still there for me.

It is both unconscious and deliberate at the same time. I say, "Do you know what you do to me?" The spell, the melting inside. He says, "I am loving you."

Oh my. That is what takes my breath away and makes me feel under his control. He would not like the idea of controlling me. He really truly believes that man and woman are equal (but different). But he does, out of respect for me, expect me to take care of my part. Some times my part is the dishes, and laundry. Sometimes it is sitting next to him on the couch.

It is not about rules. For me, it is about me quietly listening to what he wants, and trying to the best of my ability to do those things. Sometimes without him noticing. Because really the dishes should be done. It should not be an issue. It should fade into the background of what life is. The point of being married (in my opinion) is to make each other's lives easier. He does not need a child to take care of. He needs a helper, a mate, a lover.

Do I mess up? YES!!! Do I need to be spanked? I do not know. What I do know is that I love this man with all my heart, and I would just about do anything to keep him in my life. I can only hope that he feels the same way. And I think he does.

Thank you for letting me show a piece of my heart.

How come I've been reading th

How come I've been reading this site for months and not seen your comment (Good Girl) until today?! So beautifully put and exactly how I feel. I'm currently trying to explain how I feel to someone many miles away who knew me fifteen years ago before I had any experience of anything with anyone. I know I don't actually 'need' the spanking any more, so I'm not mentioning it. If we do meet up again and we click, who knows ... he may find it comes naturally to him, and that'll be fine if the chemistry's there. The phrase 'Come here' is EXACTLY where I started in my explanation of what I needed.

Sometimes men write into this site asking about how to find out whether the woman they want to chat up might be 'this way inclined'. A look directly in the eyes, a smile and a soft 'Come here' is hardly a criminal offence. If she's offended, clearly not your woman. If she does what you say and has a quick glance at the floor, you could be onto something ...

I totally agree

I'm a man who loves to be in the lead. It's just who I am. I don't like to be in the position of being the school teacher punishing my ill behaved students. I want to treat my woman as a woman, not a fifth grader. A good leader surrounds himself with quality people. Quality people don't need to be punished. Neither does my Sandy.

Quality people

Well, I'm not a quality person, and I frequently do need to be punished—it's something I've had a craving for all my adult life. My husband thoroughly enjoys doing it.

And it certainly doesn't make me feel like a 'fifth grader', because I find it extremely erotic. and so does my husband, judging by the enthusiasm with which he makes love to me afterwards.

If 'treating a woman as a woman' can't include punishing her if that is what she craves, then you are not making allowances for varieties of temperement and desire, and that doesn't make you much of a 'quality person' in my view. You may not have a desire to do such a thing, but don't knock those who do. I'm jolly glad my husband isn't like you.


In response to Ozzie

I know this is an old post and all but I making my way through all the articles here, and I must say Ozzie's comment certainly stung a bit. I am still figuring things out about myself and I do not know how spankings will fit into my life, they will be surely for pleasure and fun, perhaps sometimes for punishments maybe a mix of both, but I hardly think I or anyone on this site or anyone considering or living in a Taken In Hand relationship at all should be considered a NON quality person just because they need/want discipline from their partner in their life. As I would never assume you or your wife is any better or lesser than any of the rest of us, I found myself feeling quite judged by your comment. Some of us need things that others do not it has no bearing on our quality as people. ~Ambivalence~