I have been following a number of discussion groups on the subjects of domestic discipline and general male dominance / female submission for a few years. The first striking observation when a man joins a DD group is the gender distribution. The population of these groups is predominantly female, and many of the women express again and again a frustration that their husbands or boyfriends are not exercising enough dominance, let alone discipline, in the relationship. Other posters complain that they can get their reluctant men to stand up if they really kick their butts, but that the same men will fall back into their phlegmatic habits at the first given opportunity.

What is wrong with men, they ask? Have they completely lost the dominant, decisive, proactive, self-confident traits that we all consider masculine? The basic message of this article is that we have not. We do have very good reasons to be skeptical of the entire proposition of DD as you present it to us, but this is merely because we speak different languages and misunderstand each other’s motives. Male dominance is the natural state of male/female relationships, and denying it brings frustration and misery to us all. So let’s take a look into the mind of a reluctant male.

Why do we (husbands) start exercising domestic discipline? We start when you want us to. This is because we really want to make you happy, and we are generic providers. If you come right out and ask us for something, then we provide. If you ask us for a spanking, we provide. It is as simple as that. Men are simple creatures.

Why do we stop? We stop when we suspect that we are not making you happy, or we are not providing what you want. This is also very simple. Then why would we suspect that you do not want a spanking any more? Well, it is very difficult for a man, to whom the idea of being spanked (but not the idea of spanking) is a horrible proposition, to understand your desire for it. So, you ask for a spanking, and when he provides, you moan and cry, and he thinks: “See, it is not pleasurable at all. Better not do that again.”

Yes, I know you have probably told him that the pain is the whole point of the spanking, and that you can handle it, but he has a lot of baggage that can give him doubts and make him very confused:

1. You do not hit a woman. To any good man, hitting a woman is about as low as you can sink. Believe me, you do not want to be with a man who likes to hit women.

2. You do not pick on somebody weaker than yourself. Most women are significantly physically inferior to most men.

3. Consensual spanking is not violence, but to the untrained observer it looks a lot like it. Most good men loathe the idea of having to resort to brute force to get what they want. It is a defeat. You do not want to be with a man who can only assert himself through physical strength.

4. We have no desire to hurt the ones we love.

5. Who want to think of himself as a wife-beater?

These blockings will stop a lot of men before they even get started. This is especially true if the woman only hints her desire to be spanked. To paraphrase Rowan Atkinson, a man will not take a hint if it paints itself pink and goes dancing on top of his head singing “Happy hints are here again!” If you want a spanking, you really have to shout it out in clear language to the four corners of the world.

Finally, if he overcomes these qualms, he is struck by another doubt: He can see that there is more to it than the spanking. And he thinks that you know that too but you are refusing to tell him. There clearly is more to it. It would not really be the relationship you were looking for if you had to come out and ask for a spanking every time you thought you needed it and the relationship otherwise were business as usual. If you cannot give him a clear answer to what that “more” is, then there is a big chance that he will not take the significant risks he thinks are involved in the activity. It is very much like not going for a ride in your car if the windshield is frozen over, and you cannot see clearly. You don't do that because the risk for you and others is too high.

Answering the question of what that “more” is, is not an easy task. Just look at the number of posts in DD groups discussing what precisely DD is. This is why I lean towards a more simple explanation: DD is a specific implementation of D/s (dominance and submission), and the latter is simply a relationship where the power to some degree in transferred from one partner to the other. It's not perfect, but it's better than no explanation at all.

My own wife is a hinter. Years ago back in our egalitarian times she once or twice teased me into spanking her lightly, and it very clearly excited her sexually. I was happy to provide, but I had all the reservations listed above. So even though I have always been dominant and wanted no more than to exercise that in my marriage, I refused to pursue it because I thought it was too risky. I would only have to hurt her once and she would consider me to be violent. I am really as far from that as you can possibly come. I thought that it would be such a serious breach of the trust we had between us that it could never be fixed again, and our relationship was just too precious to be jeopardized that way. I would never forgive myself, and my own self respect would be permanently damaged.

I tried to talk to her about what it was about the spankings that excited her, but she really did not seem to know, and out of embarrassment she was very reluctant to even discuss it, so I left the subject, and I left the spankings altogether. They were not worth the risk.

Our second attempt was several years later when we first dabbled in D/s. I had brought the subject of my dominant nature up again because the marriage was not harmonious any more, and the sexual images of that excited her. I ended up spanking her again, she got excited again. I said to her that I was sure that there was something in it, but I would not spank her again unless she specifically said to me that she wanted it and why. We ended up agreeing that she could ask for a spanking like she would ask for a backrub. She never asked.

The solution turned out to be me starting to keep a score of spanks she will receive when she teases me and occasionally for disobedience or negligence. She could relate to that, and she started teasing more and more, and she has earned a series of spankings for that ever since. The dynamics are slowly developing into a D/s relationship with rules of conduct.

We are communicating more, but it is still difficult for her, and she has asked me to be patient with her while she comes to terms with the fact that she is by nature submissive. She knows and openly acknowledges that now, but she still has intellectual problems accepting it. We are both very, very happy and have fallen in love all over again. Accepting our true gender-based personalities has lifted such a heavy burden from the relationship. She literally blossoms, and so do I. She continues to tease me when she feels like it, and we both enjoy that part of the dynamics although she to some degree is topping from below. She acknowledges that being obedient and relying on me to make decisions feels like a relief. To me, having the entitlement that I think is natural is an enormous satisfaction. For both of us, being who we are has earned us the respect and the other.

Egghead

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