[This is an FAQ question (answers to frequently-asked questions). Please ensure that your post answers the question. Click here for the FAQ index.]

Why do many Taken In Hand folk reject labels, and in particular, the D/s one? Why not just admit that Taken In Hand is D/s? What is the difference between Taken In Hand and D/s (or BDSM, M/s, etc.)?

Some D/s (or BDSM, M/s, etc.) relationships are Taken In Hand relationships, but many are not.

A Taken In Hand relationship is, inter alia, a permanent, sexually exclusive, fully committed marriage. There are some such marriages within the D/s, BDSM, M/s, community, but those terms do not necessarily imply even a relationship, let alone a permanent, sexually exclusive, fully committed marriage. Labels like D/s, BDSM, M/s, etc., can apply to open or poly relationships and casual sex, whereas that cannot be said of Taken In Hand.

That is the main difference. That is why many Taken In Hand folk do not identify with labels like D/s, BDSM, M/s, etc.

Many Taken In Hand folk like the fact that Taken In Hand is focused on the relationship rather than sex. Read any book or internet site about D/s, BDSM, M/s, etc., and you will see that it is almost all about sexual practices and making sex between people who don’t know each other safer. In real life, many people in the D/s, BDSM, M/s community go to parties at which people who don’t necessarily know each other engage in elaborate theatrical sexual practices. This is very far from Taken In Hand. Given that Taken In Hand assumes sexually exclusive marriage, definitely not having sex with people you don’t know (and in a semi-public place too!), perhaps you can understand why many Taken In Hand couples might not identify with labels like D/s, BDSM, etc. Taken In Hand folk tend to prefer to keep private matters private, and tend to consider sex private. Moreover, the BDSM focus on sexual practices misses the main point, at least for Taken In Hand folk, which is being happily married and thereby living a more creative, productive life.

Another thing people coming to Taken In Hand from the D/s, BDSM, etc. world often say they really appreciate about Taken In Hand is that Taken In Hand stresses that the relationship is for the benefit of both spouses, not just one of them. In the D/s and M/s communities in particular, there are all too many people taking the view that it is all about the dominant partner, and that the submissive partner must serve and sacrifice all for the dominant partner. This is not necessarily the case, I know (please hear me!), but there is so much of this in those communities that people find it refreshing that Taken In Hand stresses that the husband in a Taken In Hand relationship is not a self-serving narcissist with antisocial tendencies, but cares deeply about the happiness of his beloved wife. Likewise, in the DD community, one occasionally gets the impression that it is all about the wife and her needs and her happiness, and the husband’s needs seem to get forgotten (and again, this is not to say that this is true in most cases). So many couples like that fact that we stress that Taken In Hand is for both husband and wife, not one to the exclusion of the other.

Another reason some Taken In Hand folk don’t identify with the D/s label is that D/s implies dominance and submission, whereas many Taken In Hand women don’t in the slightest identify with the “submissive” label, and many men in Taken In Hand relationships don’t want a submissive wife, and actually prefer having a resistant wife who needs to be tamed, taken in hand, forced, brought into subjection. Or as Huey once wrote (on a BDSM yahoo group!) “I've always preferred a women to be feisty and contentious on the road to submission.” As we have discussed many times on this site, whilst the “submissive” label can indeed apply to such women, and some Taken In Hand women – like DeeMarie and Louise, for example – call themselves “submissive”, some Taken In Hand women have at some point moved away from that label. They have typically moved away from that label when they have found that when they have described themselves as “submissive”, men identifying as dominant, at least in the D/s, BDSM, M/s etc. community, have typically expected something other than a woman who wants to be brought forcefully to submission by the right man in a sexually exclusive, loving marriage.

Another difference some folk coming to Taken In Hand from the D/s community notice is that whereas the D/s, BDSM, M/s labels refer to an alternative lifestyle, Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle, let alone an alternative lifestyle. It is about creating a happy marriage.

Some religious Taken In Hand folk have found that their values have been shunned by the BDSM community, but (despite the fact that we ask readers not to proselytise on this site) not by the Taken In Hand community.

Many Taken In Hand folk dislike the idea of any label whatsoever, not wanting to accept any standard role, and not wanting to be put in a stereotypical box. A Taken In Hand relationship is not stereotypical but evolves in its own unique way. Some find that the more they think of themselves as being this or that label, the more they tend to fall into a boring stereotype instead of interacting as the individuals they are.

The D/s, BDSM etc communities make a point of being inclusive and make no assumptions about which person of which sex is doing what with whom. Taken In Hand is specifically about consensually male-controlled sexually-exclusive marriages, simply because that is my preference as the owner of the site. If I were to even think of calling this a D/s or BDSM site, I would be deluged with complaints from D/s or BDSM people wanting me to open the discussions on the site to allow posts about F/m, M/m, poly, etc relationships and sexual practices. (Actually I get such complaints quite often, from people who have not noticed that we are not claiming to be a BDSM site!)

I have also received furious messages from BDSM folk because we do not sprinkle the BDSM dictum “safe, sane and consensual” all over the site. This, again, highlights another difference: the BDSM community needs such dictums because BDSM is about sex, and not necessarily between people who know each other well. Taken In Hand is about longstanding marriages, not sex, and certainly not about having sex with strangers, so it would be a little odd to find sprinkled around the site material about how to keep yourself safe when having sex with strangers. If you are having sex with strangers, you are presumably not looking for a Taken In Hand relationship.

Another complaint I have had from BDSM folk is that Taken In Hand is the most dangerous thing they have ever heard of, since we don’t stress that it is all a sexual game and then we go home to our normal lives. This does not apply to many D/s folk, since many D/s folk have in common with Taken In Hand folk that it is not just a sexual game, but I mention this complaint to answer the question why Taken In Hand folk might not identify with the “BDSM” label. (And then there is the fact that BDSM folk often wear embarrassing costumes (black leather) and wander around wearing studded dog collars and the like. Many Taken In Hand couples do not share that predilection.)

Finally, some Taken In Hand folk object to the D/s label because some D/s folk are not as extreme as they themselves are. If forced to accept one of those labels, these Taken In Hand folk would rather call themselves TPE than D/s or BDSM. ;-)

Having said all this, may I stress (please hear me!) that I am not saying that no D/s relationships are Taken In Hand, and nor am I criticising D/s, I am merely answering the question I have been asked several times recently, namely, why do many Taken In Hand couples reject the “D/s” (or BDSM etc) label? What is the difference between Taken In Hand and D/s (or BDSM etc.)?

(And to answer the gentleman who has recently challenged me (three times) to answer this question, and accused me of being hung up on labels, it is surely not I who am hung up on labels, sir, but those who keep insisting that I adopt their preferred label! I personally hope no one ever wants to discuss labels ever again!)

See also:
How to read this site
From BDSM to Taken In Hand
I don't want to be a servant or slave
A lifetime of denial ends
Taken In Hand is low-key and private, not a 'lifestyle'
The resistant woman
Who says you have to be submissive?
Women want men who are more dominant
Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle
Taken In Hand - the bare essence
On being the servant-leader in my relationship
Are your labels preventing you from seeing what you have?
Is Taken In Hand control real?
BDSM practices in our Taken In Hand relationship
SM / D/s / BDSM in a Taken In Hand relationship?
Growing up
Is she afraid of losing control? Topping from the bottom?
Sublimated desires
Not a lower-case girl
Why is BDSM so popular?
Saying things for effect
Do you 'meet as equals' or 'establish roles from the outset'?
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
Who wants a slave?
Our journey through BDSM to Taken in Hand
Narcissistic dominance vs Taken In Hand dominance
Dominant men: D/s vs. Taken In Hand
The erotic power of the unshackled man
Can you be Taken In Hand if you're not submissive?
Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.

And now please let’s drop this extremely tedious and boring subject and get on with discussing Taken In Hand relationships.

The Editor

FAQ index

Taken In Hand Tour start | next