Why avoid pursuing a man?

Why avoid pursuing a man?

I perceive men who can't or won't take charge as unhealthy. In trying to learn how to choose healthier men, I have discovered that if I chase a man, he changes, after initially making rotten moon cheese promises. I no longer feel I have to pursue that misery anymore.

When a woman pursues a man, some men will tell her anything to further their own agenda. It's just too easy for a man being chased to just go with the unbelievable luck of getting what he wants but not having to commit to it or do the work a real relationship requires. When a man pursues, it is much easier for a woman to determine if he is truthful about his intentions, whether he has ulterior motives or whether he actually has the intentions he says he has.

Take-charge men are wired to hunt. If I pursue, I strip a man of that whole dynamic: I've essentially stripped him of his manhood. And I've actually set myself up to be used and dumped. I can determine a man's agenda much better if I leave it to him to do the pursuing or not as he wishes.

Standing still and waiting for a man to act, and letting go if he doesn't is something I've struggled with all my adult life. Even before I became an adult. I truly am a go-getter. But that take-charge trait that is so much a bonus in my professional world, will kill love in my personal life. I have learned, from hard experience, that for me to chase is to doom a potential relationship from the start. Even if a man might benefit from a little encouragement from me to pursue me or take charge, I refuse. I can't ever be sure he's only doing it because I encouraged him to do so. I can never be sure he acted of his own free will.

Part of the universal law of relationships is that there has to be free choice, not falling. Somehow, when a woman chases, falling happens. Somehow when a man chases, there is the necessary free choice. I want to be pursued, and I want my man to take charge on his own. I do not, in any way, want to have to be in control of his choices, ever.

This letting go of the chances of a relationship blooming because I “encouraged” allows me to not get so enmeshed in being alone now, waiting. I do not have to be so emotionally affected because I do not have a man in my life right now. Choice is the key. If every last man in the world is currently choosing not to pursue me, then I am currently choosing to live my life anyway, move on, and be open and ready for the one who will choose when he's ready. And I am confident the right man will come along, as I am focusing on sending out signals that I want only that kind of man. If a man doesn't “get” my signals, he is not for me. The man who notices is the man for me.

ZettaRose

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Comments

Make sure he notices you then leave the rest to him

There is some merit in your opinion of expressing your interest in one who seems to be a desirable man, but I think that a person who is interested in another should show that interest.

True, a woman who has a desire toward a man does have more complications than a man in displaying her curiosity.

Consider the man's point of view. He may be, for whatever reason, unaware of her. If the woman has any desire for him, she should, at minimum, make him at least AWARE of her. She has no need to be overt in her efforts. All she has to do is make him recognize her in passing. IF eye contact and any sort of communication ensues from that encounter, IF he is unattached, IF he has any interest in you, IF he is Alpha, he will take it from there. MAKE him SEE you. Then leave the rest to him.

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Mick McCleod

If you want a man to enter your life, leave the door open

I think it's important to have a distinction between being the pursuer and being interested in a relationship. I may just be misunderstanding what you're trying to say, but it sounds very much like you think that you should just ignore all men until one takes it upon himself to choose you to pursue. I think this is dangerous because being passive in the actual selection of your mate severely limits the number of men who will come into your life as well as the quality of the relationships that they will provide. Yes, men are wolves. Yes, men hunt women, but alpha wolves hunt based on opportunity, not because they're hungry and will attack anything they perceive as weaker simply because they're alphas and that's what alphas do.

How will that alpha man know to pursue you if you don't let him know that you want to be pursued? It's not about making overt gestures and taking charge of the relationship from the start. It's a simple as a smile, a look, or even just small talk. Once a man has that signal from you, it's up to him to act on it, and this is where the actual "male taking charge" aspect of the relationship can begin. There are many dangerous and abusive men out there. A woman has to have respect for herself and the ability to be assertive in her choice of men in order to protect herself from unhealthy relationships. She has to know the difference between taken-in-hand and abuse. In this sense, she does take charge—of her own life and well-being.

I know it's hard to be patient when you've dealt with men that don't take control in the past, but patience is key if you truly want a healthy taken-in-hand relationship. Your man should be someone you trust and who always has your best interest in mind. If not, he isn't worthy of being in charge of you, and you shouldn't waste your time on him. You need to take the time to discover what sort of man you're dealing with before you can give up control to him. Don't put your head in the sand. Keep it up, ears pricked, eyes alert. Be active in the selection process. Ask any zoologist. Female selection is key to the success of any species. I don't think this is any different in humans.

Wait.

Quote: "When a woman pursues a man, some men will tell her anything to further their own agenda."

Being a pursuer and being naive are not the same thing. Also, do you think that no women push their own agenda with men who pursue them? You've never been a man, and it shows.

Quote: "It's just too easy for a man being chased to just go with the unbelievable luck of getting what he wants but not having to commit to it or do the work a real relationship requires. When a man pursues, it is much easier for a woman to determine if he is truthful about his intentions, whether he has ulterior motives or whether he actually has the intentions he says he has."

It works also the other way around: woman pursuing a man. Assuming men and women are equally smart about that, they'll hold their positions. Therefore we are stuck.

You forget that many valuable men are so absorbed by their mission in life that they may not even notice you. Men may be hunters, but we don't live to hunt women, you know. Women may be a very small part of our lives until they enter into them.

Most women are just afraid of putting themselves on the line, that's it. Fair, but don't come and tell us the rationalizing lies you tell to yourself, because we are not so naive to believe them.