White-hot absolution

I found Taken In Hand during a Google search (I don't even remember exactly what I was looking for) and was intrigued that there were so many others who had an appreciation for loving, responsible, male-led relationships. My wife Tricia and I have been married for a little over three years, though we have been best friends for nearly thirteen (be sure and marry your best friend, guys!) Without getting into too much detail (or going on like a romance novel), I'll just say we are truly soul mates with only the greatest respect for each other.

On top of that, I am in control of our household, and have the final say regarding virtually all matters. From a 21st Century 'social' perspective, the two would seem incompatible. Yet, I think those who post to this website understand how mutual respect can still exist within a Taken In Hand relationship. Tricia prides herself on saying she 'knows her place' in our marriage, and I am eager to make ‘her place’ somewhere that she can flourish and be free from the responsibilities that weighed her down for the first forty-plus years of her life. I am honored to be the one to which she defers. She is an extraordinarily beautiful woman, and very intelligent. And yet, she lovingly gives it all to me.

That being said, we are also complementary personality types. When it comes to matters literary and logical, we share the same brain. When it comes to expression and reaction, we can be near-opposites. I tend to be the even-keeled analyzer, whereas Tricia is the emotionally driven quick-responder. For many years she had issues with anger and self-image, fueled partly (if not largely) by repeated abuse at a very young age. Because of the trust we were able to build during our ten-year friendship before marriage, she slowly, gradually allowed herself to relinquish control of many of the things that burdened her. The realization that solving the world’s problems was no longer on her ‘to-do’ list for each day, allowed a certain amount of release, and my lovely wife was somewhat more at peace.

Throughout all this, I had been occasionally reading Taken In Hand posts, looking mostly for those that discussed the attitude of the responsible husband. Of course, many of the posts dealt with spanking, and I read some of them with interest, though never associating them with my own circumstances. When I showed Tricia the site, she read many posts as well, and we both felt somewhat validated that there were others out there who shared our vision for a relationship. But the spanking was just an ‘extra’ feature that neither of us took very seriously. After all, she tried so very hard to make me happy and to follow my guidance, so how could I think about spanking her? I’m also not the type to make a nit-picking list of minor infractions that will eventually "add up" to a spanking. Because of my temperament, those little things seem to fade away very quickly. It was when I read a post stating that "sometimes the relationship needs a spanking" (or words to that effect) that I first said "hmm…" and began to entertain the thought. The biological information out there regarding the release of various hormones from spanking was also intriguing, and I talked about it with Tricia. We both thought it was interesting, but again, there wasn’t any driving compulsion to add it to our relationship.

So, I’m not exactly sure how or why it happened the first time, but the experience was revelatory! Our sex life has been white-hot from day one (it’s the first area where Tricia gave up control to me), but in the midst of lovemaking one evening, we were both surprised to find her over my lap, receiving the first spanking of her lifetime. Apparently, the ‘minor infractions’ that I thought had faded, did in fact accumulate; but it was mostly Tricia who had tucked them away! With each swat she cried out, and when asked if it was too hard, replied with a firm "No!" After the spanking (and its erotic result) was over, we were both a bit cautious in our analysis of what had just happened. Finally, my wife was able to articulate a single, very telling thought about the event: "This is going to sound silly, but I feel like I’ve been absolved of my sins!"

That was a few months ago, and we have since realized the importance of physical control in our particular "male-led relationship". It is as if the floodgates have opened; Tricia says she has never experienced a greater or more satisfying release in her life. But this has also been a tremendous realization for me. For years (even before we married) I was aware of the great power of Tricia’s femininity, and the great gift of her welcoming my control. I don’t exaggerate one bit when I say that men want her; she is one of those girls that just "has it". Yet she unhesitatingly gives all of her delightful self to me, and I often wondered how I could give back anything equal to her gracious displays of love and obedience. A few nights ago, she asked me what was "in it" for me when I spanked her. The benefits to her are obvious: she feels relaxed, docile, and free from anger, worry and self-doubt after a good spanking. But I’m not the type who would enjoy spanking a woman just for its own sake; so where was my reward? This was when we finally clarified everything: I love spanking Tricia precisely because of what it does for her. I now see the flip side of the coin: my masculinity is also a very powerful thing, and my control is a great gift. And the gift of spanking has become an important part of that control. The astounding intimacies my true love and I now share have given her the ability to finally trust another person completely. And for the first time, I see her becoming comfortable with the idea of trusting herself.


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I'm glad that's working for you. I wouldn't want someone to spank me to please me or simply because of how it made me behave afterwards. I want it where he will be aroused by it and if a man wasn't then I cannot really see the point of it but perhaps that was in it for you too as it seems to have been sexual in part.

Re: Interesting

I appreciate what Hera is saying, but I don’t think that her assessment actually applies to James.

Just because he doesn’t enjoy spanking for its own sake (which would be independent of his wife) doesn’t mean that his motivation is just to please her or how it makes her behave afterwards.

I think that James clearly illustrates the difference between Taken In Hand spanking and a fetish.

Taken in Hand is a relationship, an emotional interaction. He enjoys spanking her because using his power over her in this way makes things better for her and allows them to become closer. In this way, spanking becomes an integral part of beneficial control and an increasingly connected relationship.

I think that he does become aroused by it, but as part of a life-affirming interaction and not as a one-sided or detached act.

What it does for her

I think it is nice that you like spanking your wife because of what it does for her, but personally what I always hankered for was for my husband to really want to spank me for his own sake, and not just for mine. This seems to have been what has occured since we began having a Taken In Hand relationship, because he really enjoys giving me a good walloping when I have annoyed him (which isn't a very difficult thing to do). It makes me really happy to feel that he is spanking me because he really wants to for himself as well as for me. The idea of spanking being a 'gift' to me doesn't appeal to me at all, but it's great that it works for you and your wife.


Being thoroughly taken in hand is a gift to me also

My husband and I have been married over 15 years, but he has only recently started taking me in hand. I agree with Louise C that I want my husband to punish me with a spanking when he decides that I need one. I don't want to have a choice and I certainly don't want to ask for it, but when the spanking is over and he's invested the time and testosterone on me...Wow...it's such a gift. For a long time, I was really unable to cry despite a desire for the healing effects of a good cry. So, when a spanking gets me crying, it is truly a powerful gift.


It's a very interesting issue and one where couples will differ, without any right or wrong answers. If what you do works for you both then that's fine. I am probably very over sensitive to men doing things because they think it will please me (which is the opposite of what I ever really want) and is what any non dominant man will try to do if they're trying to convince someone like me that he's right for her—she says she likes being spanked or tied off and he goes forth and does that.... doesn't work at all. Even when my non dominant husband did it years ago it never worked and you can't over 20 years keep it up anyway if it's not your natural inclination...

On the other hand physical practices are a tiny bit of an overall mental dynamic and in a sense are neither here nor there and hopefully everyone tries to please their partner to some extent from time to time.

I've completely over simplified it however because this isn't a man spanking because his controlling wife has asked for it. It's the spanking being part of his control and therefore it's not in the same category as the one I mentioned above... although still for me would not be ideal. I think I do need or at least like someone who takes sexual pleasure out of control, domination and spanking which is part of that. I couldn't live with a man who did it because it was his religious duty or he thought men ought morally to beat women or something.

White-Hot Absolution

I've read with interest the comments posted after my husband submitted his article detailing the beginning of our Taken-In-Hand relationship. While I completely agree that whatever works for each couple is what they should, of course, do, I feel compelled to add my own comments to the discussion.

I would like to make the point perfectly clear that my husband, while giving me exactly what I need both physically and emotionally when he administers a spanking, is doing this because HE sees fit. He is completely in charge of our relationship: I never receive anything just because I've asked for it, but because it falls so perfectly in step with what he desires. It just so happens that what he desires is what I need. If he desires to remind me of a transgression as he’s spanking me, then that’s what he does. If he spanks me just because he sees that the stress of daily life is weighing heavily on me, and he wants me to be reminded of my place in our relationship (he takes care of everything, so I need to relax), then he does that as well. I have no say, nor do I want any. The point is that he is in charge of my well-being, and I need to let go of my desire to have control. All of my life I have felt the need to control my situation and my surroundings; no one (up to five years ago) had ever been up to taking care of anything to my satisfaction. James has given me the gift of giving up all control: to me this is blissful, and it results in the most loving, affirming, and erotic encounters we have ever experienced.

John’s observations were dead-on: James does become aroused, because it arouses me. As well, I believe that control itself is arousing for James, and our interplay is absolutely part of a “life-affirming interaction”.

I see

That's lovely. You're lucky. I think I was just making it more complicated than it needs to be (because of men doing what I say I like to make me think they like to be control when they don't).