It is not my place to tell my husband what he can and can not do. It is my place to respect him for who he is.
There is a difference between accepting a man as your “master” and actually respecting him, and between simply acting in a respectful manner and admiring a man who has earned your respect.
In a Taken In Hand relationship, it is indeed not your place to tell your husband (who should be a leader and not a narcissist) what he can and cannot do. But it is your place, and your responsibility, to him as well as to yourself, to tell him how you feel and what you need.
Different women have different needs as a result of the combination of how they are “wired” and their life experiences, and that is why it can be almost impossible for a man to “just know” what his particular woman needs, unless he is psychic or she loves him enough to tell him. And trial and error is such a poor and unfulfilling substitute.
It is not your place to dictate to your husband, but it is his place to care about your emotional as well as your physical well-being. And why would you want to be with a man who didn’t?
A good leader will take your needs and desires into account, and then make the decision that he feels would be best for your relationship. And a good man will value your needs and desires, your happiness and quality of life, at least as much as his own.
I would rather know what he is doing than make him feel like he needs to hide it from me. It is the need to hide one's interest from your partner that tears couples apart. Being open, honest, respectful, understanding and non-judgmental of each other's differences is important.
I agree with you. But doesn’t being open and honest require you to tell him about yourself?
And before being “non-judgmental” can be beneficial and good, the two people involved in the relationship must first have a fundamental compatibility. The specifics vary from person to person, but tend to be subconsciously non-negotiable, in the sense that compromise can create a festering resentment.
For example, for me, absolute exclusivity and loyalty are at the very top of the list. We would have to be willing to work on satisfying our sexual needs between only the two of us, and without diluting our connection or devaluing each other by inviting the second-hand participation of visual pornography.
I am not saying that this is the “one true way,” or that it is important or even relevant to everyone. But when it is relevant, it tends to be very, very important.
I limited my example to “visual” pornography because stories can be a great way to communicate, become enlightened and get new ideas. Stories allow you to picture your partner in those scenarios, while expectations remain somewhat vague.
But, when you watch a performance, you are engaging mentally with the actors in some way, and at least subconscious expectations are being created. And if only one partner finds this type of interaction appealing, it can create feelings of inadequacy and of not being valued. And expectations can become inhibiting.
Within a few essentials, such as my example, I would give my woman unconditional acceptance, understanding and support, while remaining in control and continuing to lead our relationship.
But what I would actually be doing is judging that the core characteristics that make her who she is also represent my highest values, and then making the conscious decisions that:
1) I wouldn’t allow myself to fall into the bad habit of automatically and unthinkingly nitpicking differences that were trivial and unimportant to me, because my doing so wouldn’t be trivial or unimportant to her.
2) I would appreciate what I had in her every “one more day” that I was lucky enough to have her around, and would never take her for granted. And then her habits and quirks would become endearing qualities, and the jungle of drying pantyhose would only reassure me that she was still there.
3) Home would be a place of safety and a source of energy for both of us. Since I would be in control, guiding it to become a place of security and warmth would be my responsibility, and a big part of that would involve bringing her to the point where it no longer occurred to her to feel self-conscious.
One way of doing this would be to consistently reassure and show her that her core characteristics made her irrevocably perfect for me; that I was fundamentally neutral about anything that I wasn’t “wired” to appreciate; and that since I was fundamentally crazy about her, it made me happy to be accepting and supportive, even when I didn’t understand her needs from personal experience.
Because of her enduring value, whatever made her happy or was important to her would become meaningful and important to me.
But if some of her inclinations were bad for her or for our relationship, acceptance, understanding and support would include abundant reassurance that she was still as loved, respected and valued as ever, along with insistence on change and spankings whenever necessary.
There is a huge difference between forcing yourself to be non-judgmental, in opposition to your nature, needs and knowledge, and recognizing when being judgmental isn’t appropriate and would simply be self-indulgent.
But this becomes very serious when differences in perspective make a woman feel inadequate and unworthy, or not loved and valued, because this can cause physically destructive stress, in addition to emotional damage.
In such a situation, a life-affirming relationship doesn’t exist. And, at least by this point, she must explain the situation to her partner, but she should never fall into the trap of trying to justify why her feelings and needs should have value.
If he loves her, he values her and will change his behavior permanently to protect her and help her to heal. But if he decides to disregard her well-being by demanding that she devalue and suppress her essence to satisfy his whims, she is in a destructive and self-destructive situation and should leave him and find a true partner.
Isn’t taking care of each other and enjoying each other’s happiness the point of a life-affirming relationship?