What makes a husband love his wife?

What makes a husband love his wife?

Am I alone in feeling a bit inadequate when I read posts from and about perfect wives with supermodel looks, designer homes and superwoman careers—and they do everything for their husband too, and they are perfectly self-contained, independent and self-sufficient?

I mean, what do I have to offer my husband? With perfect specimins of womanhood like some of these Taken In Hand wives wafting about, how can I possibly be of any interest to my husband? It's really extraordinary that he's still in love with me.

Zephyr asked if the husbands in Taken In Hand relationships are overburdened, and what, if anything, the wife in a Taken In Hand relationshp does. What's in it for the husband? I too worry about the burden on my husband and what's in it for him. And then there are the “manly needs” Zephyr alluded to. I have no idea what he means by that. Am I too “oblivious to [my husband's] manly needs”?

I started asking my husband what I have that all his ex-girlfriends lacked. Why me? Did I just happen to meet him at the right time in his life, or am I special, I asked him.

My husband started telling me about his ex-girlfriends, one by one. That only made me more worried. The girls my husband dated before me were, in the main, very nice, attractive, well-educated, independent career women—women who had it together in a way that I can only marvel at. The more he told me about them, the more surprised I was that he loves me. Perhaps I just happened to meet my husband at the right time in his life. Perhaps I'm not in the least bit special!

Am I draining my husband's love bank and making too few deposits to keep us afloat, I wondered. What do I do for him? Why does it feel to me as though his love for me is growing and growing despite the poor deal he has?

I do cook for my husband—it's the least I can do when he comes home after a hard day at work—but he said that he does not value that as a gift from me, because I have to cook for myself anyway. Same with laundry and housework. Hmmmm. Not that I'm very good at housework. Fortunately, my husband is blind to mess—he's adorably absentminded and messy himself. Recently he asked where the kitchen bin is. It's where it has always been! (Now I know why he never puts anything in it!)

“What do I do for you that you value?” I asked. “Why do you want to be with me, when you could have had your pick of countless beautiful, accomplished superwomen types who would do anything for you?”

“They aren't you!” he said.

“Yes, but what's special about me?”

“I like the way you move,” he said. (Yes he really did say that!) “You are graceful, intelligent, beautiful, soft, and feminine—”

(I don't think so! Not the last three, anyway.)

“—I wasn't in the least bit soft and feminine when you met me, I was a termagent! So that doesn't explain your having fallen in love with me!”

“You were not a termagent! You had a few rough burrs that needed to be filed off, but you were never like [a radical feminist my husband knows, who rules her roost and hates him because he stood up to her nonsense and would not allow her to treat him badly]. You were always a girl.”

“But I'm rubbish at housework, I'm not a supermodel or a superwoman, I'm well past my best-before date, you don't care about the cooking and laundry, I don't do ironing, I earn less than an illiterate 16-year-old school leaver, and I often forget to do things you ask me to do! I even forgot your birthday!”

“It's not about what you do or don't do for me! It's less tangible than that. Attraction and love—they're not based on what each partner does for the other, it's more intangible than that.”

I took that to mean that he can't think of anything I do for him! Oh no! How could he want me? I couldn't see how I'd want me, never mind how he could want me!

“But why why why would you want me when you could have had any woman you wanted? If it's not what I do for you—and it obviously can't be that—what is it about me that makes you want to be with me?”

“That's easy,” he said. “You're interesting. You're an intellectual. You're a good conversationalist. You make good arguments. You make me think!

“But surely most of the women you went out with before me were just as intelligent as I am, if not considerably more?! And you could have interesting and good arguments with a male friend. What makes me a good wife? And besides, you hate it when I argue!”

“Intelligent, yes, intellectual and interesting, no; they didn't have your mind,” he replied, firmly. “Or your personality.”

That would be my non-submissive personality with the rough edges that needed to be filed off? With my arguments that sometimes make him so cross with me that he banishes me from his sight? Should I take up reading books on how to save my marriage? Could I learn to be a better wife? One whom even Zephyr might consider acceptable?

“And none of them had your face,” he added, smiling at me with total love in his eyes—as if that undeniable fact trumped everything else.

So I still don't really know what makes my husband so happy to have me as his wife, or why he is so in love with me, and believe me, there's nothing special about my face. Thank goodness for love blindness!

Summer

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Comments

Thank you, Summer

Inevitably I come out of wretched faculty dinners raw with the feeling I am a stereotype -- a bit of foolishness my husband has got himself into. I think it helps to ask myself why I love him. It is not for his career although I do admire him for that. Similarly (I figure) my achievements (including inedible dinners and excellent drawings) matter to him in that he's proud of me, but they aren't why he loves me. The reasons are ineffable and physical. He's my blood. I'm his, so of course he loves me.

When I press my husband for reasons, he names body parts and makes me laugh. He also tells me that I'm wise and the sweetest girl in the world. He does not mention my superior housecleaning even though, sure, I clean a mean house.

Um

Pretty Packaging

The real gift is always hidden. It’s not the box, or the shiny wrapping paper, or even the ribbons and bows. Our greatest treasures lie safely tucked away, protected and shielded from casual spectators.

Summer, you pose a lot of rhetorical questions! It’s clear to me that you already have most of the answers. At least, you know where to find them. Do you realize how beautifully you present your relationship? With respect, your musings are quite charming.

Perfection can be found between a husband and wife, wrapped up in each other with total abandon. This is where my heart lies, right next to hers, and everything else rests upon this pivotal fact. Day-to-day events are merely window dressing.

It’s difficult, or downright impossible to express a woman’s worth as enumerated contributions. Instead, you see the truth in a man’s eyes. You hear the honesty in his voice. You feel his warm smile. His honest feedback has little to do with words or reasons. He looks to his woman and finds what he needs. She looks into him, everyday, searching for new ways to provide what he needs. This is a constant gift, without a worthy comparison.

Conversation about the give-and-take within a marriage is bound to produce anxiety. All of our doubts are on full display. It’s uncomfortable and we can’t think straight.

“Am I draining my husband…? His love for me is growing…”

Step back and look at the words. You plainly answered the question. If a wife is failing, her husband won’t thrive, his love will wither. He will weaken and withdraw or explode in rage. If a husband is failing, his wife will harden and her dreams will die. She will disappear in body or spirit, losing all hope. Trust the evidence, asking for confirmation when necessary.

The pretty packaging that people display does not fool you. You know to look deeper.

Is my wife a supermodel? No, but you’ll never convince me. Is our post-war, 3-bedroom, suburban, tract house a castle? Hardly, but it should be for all that we’ve poured into it. Are we superheroes? Not considering our state of exhaustion. If you see perfection in any of this, you must be looking well past the outward appearance.

Yes, we could discuss rules and arrangements all day long, but it distracts us from the bigger picture. Is the relationship intimate and healthy? Are we bound together for mutual satisfaction? Are we always learning and growing?

“I like the way you move. You were always a girl. You're interesting.”

He spilled the beans, contrasting you with other women. You’re unique in his mind. It will take a lifetime to understand why, but that’s the best part. Enjoy the adventure.

Alan K

Better wives

While I am sure you mean well, I don't think it a good idea to keep telling your husband how much better than you he is, and how he could have all these marvellous women. Have a bit of self-respect, for goodness sake.

I am not exactly God's gift to men, but my husband isn't perfect either. I don't know if he could get a woman who is better than I am, perhaps, but I wouldn't care to bet on it. What makes you think your husband could get all these superwomen?

I think what my husband gets out of Taken In Hand is that I make more effort with the things he considers important, pay more attention to his needs etc. Listen to him more. Plus he gets to give me a good spanking whenever I annoy him.

It is true he is more efficient than I am, and better at housework and stuff. But I don't keep running myself down to him, because I think that both of us have improved somewhat as a result of Taken In Hand.

You need to have more confidence in yourself. Your husband thinks you are interesting and attractive, and I would take his word for it if I were you.

Louise

Am I Inadequate?

Summer sez "Am I alone in feeling a bit inadequate when I read posts from and about perfect wives with supermodel looks, designer homes and superwoman careers—and they do everything for their husband too, and they are perfectly self-contained, independent and self-sufficient?"

A laughable question, but totally understandable. Your question expresses doubt as to your standing with your husband. May I suggest that most men are at best unappreciated of lagging rewards. May I further suggest that he appreciates the rewards you have presented him, simply because he seems content with you.

Summer sez "I mean, what do I have to offer my husband?"

What?!? You truly question that? Wow, that blows me away! He says he loves you, does he not? I assume he comes to you for comfort in whatever form he wishes and, what, you comply? If this is true, then your question is moot. Do you give him what he wants when he wants it? Is he happy with your response? I strongly suspect that your responses to him are all positive, and if this is true then if you fear that he will leave you for another woman, you accuse him of something beyond ridiculous.

Perhaps I may be stupid, but I fail to understand any man who would do anything to offend a woman who would do anything to please him.

Summer sez "I too worry about the burden on my husband and what's in it for him. And then there are the “manly needs” Zephyr alluded to. I have no idea what he means by that. Am I too “oblivious to [my husband's] manly needs”?

HAH!! What burden? You satisfy his wishes, do you not? Oh, and, what, oblivious to manly needs? Cut yourself some slack. He loves you and you apparently love him well enough to satisfy his needs or the both of you would no longer be together. Just continue showing your love for him the way you have been and he will be yours until the end of your days.

The rest of your narrative illustrates a brief interaction between you and your husband concerning your desirability. Delving into that would be ridiculous. If you doubt his love after personally writing this final dissertation, then there is NO hope for you. Accept his love for what it truly is.

--
Mick McCleod

Taking is what you're supposed to do.

I can see what your husband means to say, clearly. (I'm a man, by the way.)

Don't think of what your husband handles, being the leader (I don't think you mentioned if he is), affecting him as it would you. He's built for it and the main thing that will wear him down is if he never gets anywhere doing it. When it becomes pointless. That would drain his battery (or "love bank"). Even more so if you didn't appreciate it. The absolute best thing you can do is stop worrying about it. Asking him "why do you love me" will get old. He'll begin to be irritated that you constantly think he's acting or HIS LOVE IS MISPLACED AND YOU DON'T DESERVE IT! Is he making a mistake loving you? Should he stop? This way of thinking can drive your marriage off a cliff.

--------------------------------------------
Obvious REASONS he loves you:
1.His line about "They aren't you!" Should tell you those "total package" women didn't think they needed him. You do. Men NEED to be NEEDED.

2.You being interesting. Your way of talking and thinking was something he can connect with. It's different than anyone else and he loves it.

3.When you're in a non-submissive mood (I guess that's most of the time), I'm assuming he sees a challenge he wants to wrangle. Like you get a stubborn streak and say "I won't do that!" He turns on the charm, smiles thinking "I bet you will." (No idea if he actually does that. He should.) The, girl, he says he's always seen is what's below the stubbornness. My guess is he fell you in a moment you let your hard shell drop, him loving what he saw. That was likely the "Game Over" moment when he said "That one!" A vulnerable woman is one that can be seduced by her husband and can be loved endlessly. Despite the challenge of a hard shell, he wants the soft center. There is a point where it can go on too long or the women never want's to get caught thinking that will make him always chase or because she fears him seeing her soft center. Wrong thing to do and likely what the past women did. Try not to make this mistake now. You're the one he chose to protect, take care of and dedicate himself to. Whether he likes the challenge or not, he sees the rewards as much more valuable. Allow the girl he loves to come out for him and him alone. Just be you.

4.Your face... DOES TRUMP EVERYTHING ELSE!!!! Ask men what's the first thing they notice about a woman he'll say her eyes, most of the time (if he was close enough). The face of a women is meant to be endlessly caressed, spend hours at a time being kissed, admired and cared for. The face is where he can read how you're feeling, if you're happy, sad or angry. During sex it's THE most important area of your body to him because his only concern is... "Are you enjoying it." Never hold back input from your husband because it's not manipulation (as many many many women seem to think) it's knowledge he NEEDS to know to love you properly. It's best for you both. So don't throw away his answer as nothing. It's vital! It's also something unique to you. Cherish this answer.

Extra:
Messy house. The 37 things out of place don't scream "CLEAN ME!" like they do for you. We have tunnel vision, we're "practical" and "result" minded. Whatever we're doing or listening to gets all our attention. Including you. If you feel inadequate about housework, take one task at a time and slowly figure out how to do it more efficiently. As for him, the garbage and mess being dealt with on his end will become more important to him if you make it known to him what it means to you that it's taken care of. Anything he thinks makes you happy and score points with you, he will do. Even if he thinks it's to avoid you and give you space, even when he doesn't want to. Don't want that to happen, right? I recommend you let him know it's OK to interrupt anything you're doing with hot lovin.
--------------------------------------------

You look at the women he could have been with and shrivel up. Let me ask you: A woman who has all her stuff together, has a well paying career, smart and doesn't need anyone... what would that woman need him for? You needed him, allowed him to love you and instantly became BETTER than those other women. /END That's what matters. Everything you marvel at is fluff with no value to a lover. If your husband is doing everything right as you seem to imply, then all you have to do is:

1.Show him appreciation for what he does. Everything you appreciate about him, display your appreciation and respect, feeling free to tell him how great you feel he is. Build him up as your hero you already see. Show him respect as your leader. Huge turn on.

2.Talk things out with him instead of arguments. His intentions are always what's the best thing for his family, not himself. Yield to and trust him. Arguments will be one of the two things to rip your marriage apart.

3.The second thing to rip your marriage apart is you feeling unworthy of his love. Men and women figure out what they deserve very differently. That doesn't matter though. No one deserves love for what they contribute. As odd as it sounds, it's earned by receiving it. You don't have to work at it to deserve it. All you have to do is accept it and appreciate it. Just let go, absolutely and let him love you. Accepting withdrawals from his "love bank" is what you're supposed to do. Total vulnerability to that love (not just in sex) and grateful acceptance IS what recharges his battery.

4.Support him in what he does/decides. This doesn't mean you can't give input. He needs your input in all areas of life. It allows him to make more informed decisions. Trust him. A wife's primary duty to her husband is to support him. Face it, it's you and him against the world, telling you both what to do and how to do it. He's ready to be the weapons but your support is his ammo. [1-4 = His manly needs. These will bring out the best in him.]

5.Relax and stop stressing. You say you're past your "best-before date." Making better food choices and do a workout (at any age) at least three times a week for thirty minutes (or 10-Minute Trainer from Beachbody at least, check out other workouts by the company too). It's better than worrying about your body all the time. My main point is just stop stressing about it. It'll make everyone's life better.

ANYWAY, whether you can understand this next part or not, just accept it. Your husband's answers bleed love of your worth to him. Accept them is accepting him, just as rejecting them is rejecting him. Which do you want to do? Those answers are from his very core! Not just throw away answers. He called you graceful, intelligent, beautiful, soft and feminine... and you call his love blind... That hurts. Now what hope does he have to convince you? Is there hope to convince you? What do you want to hear? What those words tell me is: The way you move stirs excitement in him (graceful). He values your ability to speak with smarts and understanding (intelligent). Your face and body beckons his attention and screams to be touched (beautiful and soft) while your mannerisms are that of the girl he fell for (feminine). Why care HOW he can feel that way? Do you need to know how food is prepared before you can eat it? No. Enjoy it to no end.

The simplest way to improve your marriage is stop wondering why he wants you and end the stand-firm-at-all-costs arguments. Accept the very thing you don't think you deserve, his love, with enthusiasm and gratitude, then his "love bank" with be an endless supply. Just... let go... and see what happens. Incorporate everything here and give it a month. I'll bet the change will be positive.

Lastly:
Summer, I don't mean to sound angry, nor do I intend to upset you. It's just that your problem is so simple to solve. Take and be thankful. Anything you see wrong with you, just improve on it a little at a time. Your body? Eat better and exercise, quality over quantity. Your housework? Figure out a better system. Your husband's love? As a woman, you're meant to enjoy it in total surrender, which puts gas on his fire, which creates MORE love for you to enjoy in that surrender. May you both be exceedingly happy in your life.

God Bless

Why I love my wife....

I'm not a guy that could have gotten any girl he wanted, in fact my wife is the only girl I've dated, the only woman I've kissed romantically. And I didn't just jump on the first opportunity I had, I was picky and I didn't have a girlfriend before her in large part because I didn't meet anybody that made the cut before (or since).

There are the obvious things, common interests, intelligence I can respect, same level of religious commitment. Then you have the right things not in common, introvert/extrovert etc. But none of that really gets to the core of it.

It really is the intangible connection. I compare it to us being two tuning forks that resonate with each other because we are the same pitch. I loved her before I knew all that stuff about her, her soul just resonated with mine and that is a connection that can't be described in full and pulled me in to pursuing her.

What makes a husband love his wife?

In your case, Summer, the answer is simple.

Let's see. You are:

- appreciative and giving:

"I do cook for my husband - it's the least I can do when he comes home after a hard day at work [...]"

- not a nag:

"Recently he asked where the kitchen bin is. It's where it has always been! (Now I know why he never puts anything in it!)"

(Otherwise you would have "taught" him where the kitchen bin was long ago.)

- not a harpy:

"With my arguments that sometimes make him so cross with me that he banishes me from his sight?" (A harpy would chase and nag him until he breaks down.)

- not entitled, and respectful: your post as a whole.

Therefore, Summer, your husband may not realize it, but he doesn't love you because of you. He loves you because, after he had fallen in love with you, you didn't change for the worse, screwing things up. Whenever you see a man falling out of love with his wife, invariably you see a wife who changed for the worse after the wedding. In all my years in the so-called manosphere, I've never seen a man writing that his wife was as appreciative, giving and respectful as she was before their marriage, and he fell out of love nonetheless. Not once.

Don't you believe me? Check out for yourself: take away the aforementioned qualities and see how long your husband keeps loving you because you are "intellectual and interesting" and because of your pretty face ;-)

Of course, if you don't start with a good man, then being appreciative, giving, neither a nag nor an harpy, not entitled, and respectful may even backfire.

As a side note, reading how your husband and you projected your gender-related expectations on each other, that was amusing. For instance:

"The girls my husband dated before me were, in the main, very nice, attractive, well-educated, independent career women—women who had it together in a way that I can only marvel at."

Being well-educated, independent and career-oriented don't mean squat to a man looking for a mate. These may be added benefits, while men look for core qualities:

"“Intelligent, yes, intellectual and interesting, no; they didn't have your mind,” he replied, firmly. “Or your personality."

All the best.

Thank you for your beautiful and wise advice and comments

Thank you so much for every one of your comments. There is such gold here!

@Um:

my achievements... matter to him in that he's proud of me, but they aren't why he loves me. The reasons are ineffable and physical. He's my blood. I'm his, so of course he loves me.

You are so wise. Yes, this is what my husband was saying to me.

He also tells me that I'm wise and the sweetest girl in the world.

My husband often says this to me too. :)

@Alan K:

It’s difficult, or downright impossible to express a woman’s worth as enumerated contributions. Instead, you see the truth in a man’s eyes. You hear the honesty in his voice. You feel his warm smile. His honest feedback has little to do with words or reasons. He looks to his woman and finds what he needs.

This is so beautiful.

She looks into him, everyday, searching for new ways to provide what he needs.

I do actually. And he does the same for me.

He spilled the beans, contrasting you with other women. You’re unique in his mind. It will take a lifetime to understand why, but that’s the best part. Enjoy the adventure.

Oh I do, very much! In fact, this is another thing my husband often says that he loves about me—the fact that whatever life throws at me, I'm flexible, and I approach every new challenge as an adventure.

This was tested recently when my husband announced that we are going to be moving to somewhere we have never visited, thousands and thousands of miles away, and that we have to be there within four months. I feel as though we have only just got settled in our current home—I have not even finished decorating it—and it will be I who do the selling of our house, the finding us a new house, the seeing to all the financial arrangements, the organising of the move, and all the packing. I love our current home, and the news did shock me, but it would be unthinkable not to be supportive of my husband's decision, and I have started finding out about the new place and am thinking what fun it will be to find a new home, to make some new friends, find new favourite restaurants, and for us to explore a completely new place together, etc. I truly relish the adventure!

@Louise:

What makes you think your husband could get all these superwomen

Because his girlfriends before me were superwomen, and because women proposition him all the time. Even when they restrain themselves because they can see he is not alone, they clearly want him. He has sometimes had to gently but firmly push a woman away from him when his polite rejection message was not getting through. He has strategies for avoiding hugs from women! In any social group, he is always the one everyone flocks around. But despite the fact that he is the alpha male of any group, he is nothing like the men who call themselves the alpha male of the group on men's sites on the internet. While those men seem to be all about putting others down to maintain their status, my husband is not trying to be anything, he's just genuinely interested in everyone and that makes people feel good. Everyone loves him. He's amazing. I don't blame other women for wanting him.

You need to have more confidence in yourself. Your husband thinks you are interesting and attractive, and I would take his word for it if I were you.

I don't doubt his word at all. It is very obvious that he loves me. Sometimes I do find it very surprising, but only when I compare myself to self-contained, totally financially independent career women like some of my husband's ex-girlfriends, or read too many men's sites on the internet. Had I known about those sites before I met my husband, I might have been so pessimistic about the chance that a woman my age would ever find love that I would have lost all hope. Luckily I was blissfully ignorant of them!

Mick McCleod:

I assume he comes to you for comfort in whatever form he wishes and, what, you comply? If this is true, then your question is moot. Do you give him what he wants when he wants it? Is he happy with your response? I strongly suspect that your responses to him are all positive

Yes of course.

if you fear that he will leave you for another woman, you accuse him of something beyond ridiculous.

I don't fear that, I just sometimes can't understand what he sees in me. But only sometimes. When I actually meet some of my husband's ex-girlfriends or when I see women hitting on him, I can usually see why my husband would prefer me, even in the case of the highly-successful dual-career young and beautiful successful model he dated.

Perhaps I may be stupid, but I fail to understand any man who would do anything to offend a woman who would do anything to please him.

I'm not sure that I would do anything to please him. Some of the women my husband dated were like that, and ultimately he rejected them. He found being with women like that boring and suffocating. He says he wanted a whole person, not someone whose life revolves around pleasing him. In some cases those who would do anything to please their partner lack emotional stability, and my husband very much wanted someone stable.

@Berrigan

Don't think of what your husband handles, being the leader (I don't think you mentioned if he is), affecting him as it would you. He's built for it and the main thing that will wear him down is if he never gets anywhere doing it.

My husband is most definitely the one in charge, and I do not consider that a burden on him. It would be a burden on him not to be, just as it would be unpleasant for me to be in charge of him.

Obvious REASONS he loves you:
1.His line about "They aren't you!" Should tell you those "total package" women didn't think they needed him. You do. Men NEED to be NEEDED.

Do they really? My husband has never said he needs to be needed but I do need him, so if he likes being needed, that's good!!

2.You being interesting. Your way of talking and thinking was something he can connect with. It's different than anyone else and he loves it.

Yes, while some of the men commenting here don't appear to agree with my husband that part of what makes him love me is that I'm interesting, his pleasure in his interest in me is unmistakable.

3.When you're in a non-submissive mood (I guess that's most of the time), I'm assuming he sees a challenge he wants to wrangle. Like you get a stubborn streak and say "I won't do that!"
...
end the stand-firm-at-all-costs arguments

When I said I'm not submissive, I didn't mean I am stubborn or fight him or have a hard shell or have stand-firm-at-all-costs arguments with him—nothing like that. He would hate that! It is true that he does get very cross with me sometimes, though less and less as the years pass; but he would be the first to admit that he has a short fuse. My husband likes the fact that I have my own mind and ideas. He would not want a totally submissive yes-woman who lives to please him. But he would hate a harpy type even more. Given that he has a short fuse, he would find what you describe intolerable. He would feel flooded. It would overwhelm him. Over the course of our marriage we have learnt how to be together in a way that is peaceful and calming, which my husband appreciates.

But he doesn't just want peace, he also needs some intense excitement in his life, as do I. He relishes controlling me, and in the past when he had a woman who was very submissive in the sense of living to please him, he found that boring. Life was very peaceful with her, but it was too drab and flat for his taste. It failed to satisfy his desire for intensity in his control. He enjoys feeling his power, not just having it. He likes bending me to his will. He likes a little positive tension now and then to balance the ease and peacefulness.

So we dance—a dance of autonomy and control, peacefulness and intense excitement, positive tension and deep relaxation. The peacefulness and my autonomy is grounding and stabilising. The intensity and control and tension is interesting and exciting. That is also in its own way stabilising, since we both need that in a relationship.

When we were first married we had too much tension and not enough peace; then we moved too far in the other direction; now we have perfected our dance and have a very satisfying balance.

the garbage and mess being dealt with on his end will become more important to him if you make it known to him what it means to you that it's taken care of.

My husband works exceptionally hard. Part of what tells me that my husband is the one for me is that I feel no resentment about cleaning up after him. It may be partly that he is so untidy that he never makes me feel bad for being untidy myself, but either way, I have no intention of asking him to be less messy. He would find that stressful and unpleasant. If I were to do that it would feel disrespectful. It would not feel right.

Besides, I find it endearing and entertaining that he can't find things and leaves a mess because he doesn't know where the bin is, etc. When I was away once, he had to buy a new box of dishwasher tablets because he was unable to see the existing great big box of dishwasher tablets in the cupboard next to the dishwasher. And then there was the time when he bought paper plates because he couldn't find the plates, which were in the cupboard over the dishwasher... He's adorable!

Berrigan, everyone should read your advice. I have cut a lot of it out because I was just saying I agree. You are so wise. So true. etc. But everyone should read what you wrote!

You say you're past your "best-before date." Making better food choices and do a workout (at any age) at least three times a week for thirty minutes (or 10-Minute Trainer from Beachbody at least, check out other workouts by the company too). It's better than worrying about your body all the time.

When I said I'm past my "best before" date all I meant was that I am no longer young, and according to what I read on men's sites on the internet, it is a miracle any man would want me at my age. According to them, men's dating market value or perceived sexual attractiveness increases with age, while women's plummets to nothing well before they reach my age. It's enough to make any girl lose confidence!

However, I did not mean to imply that I am out of condition. I am very lucky in that I am blessed with good genes, and I've been doing heavy strength training all my adult life and have modified my diet with age as necessary (cut carbs), so I've managed to retain my body despite my advanced age. One benefit of getting old is that whereas when you're young almost everyone has a good body so it's nothing special, having a good body at my age puts you in the movie star league! Well that's how my husband makes me feel anyway!

@HerMan:

It really is the intangible connection. I compare it to us being two tuning forks that resonate with each other because we are the same pitch. I loved her before I knew all that stuff about her, her soul just resonated with mine and that is a connection that can't be described in full and pulled me in to pursuing her.

This is exactly what my husband says!

@Zephyr

Will you please tell me what you mean by 'manly needs' ("many women seem ... oblivious to what could be manly needs") in this comment? I asked my husband and he also has no idea what you had in mind.

I understand!!!! However....

I TOTALLY understand how you feel! I feel the same way myself a lot.
However, if I ever say anything like these questions, my boyfriend gets upset with me. Why?
Well I see it this way: I feel like he is perfect in every way. So if he talks bad about himself, I get upset about it. Obviously, he isn't God, so he isn't perfect. But I view him that way. If I view him in such a way, maybe he views me in the same way. It doesn't make sense. But neither does me viewing him that way either. Basically my point is this: wouldn't it weigh you down if he talked about himself this way? Wouldn't it upset you? The same thing goes both ways. It doesn't need to make sense. Just enjoy each other.