What if he is horrified by the idea?

After the breakup of my 15 year marriage to a wonderful but completely non-dominant man, I was NOT actively seeking a man to be with. Well, he found me anyway. lol. I love my boyfriend with my whole heart and he is an extremely take-charge man, so I showed him this website with the hopes that he would eagerly embrace this as all of his past relationships were broken off because he was too controlling.

Well, much to my surprise, he was absolutely abhorred by it. After being told by all of the women in his past that his thinking was wrong, he couldn't understand how my thinking could be so absolutely opposite of theirs. And strike a woman??? Never in a million years and how did I think that that could ever be right, and did I think he was an abuser?

Now hindsight is 20/20 and I realize that I probably shouldn't have blasted him with the “punishment” concept quite so bluntly—and I know “punishment” is not for every Taken In Hand couple—but I ached for this, so in my eagerness to get what I wanted I had forged ahead, both barrels blazing, without thinking.

After a few weeks of discussing the difference between spanking a naughty 5 yr old and discipline a woman who yearns to be “punished”, I gave up on the direct route. Instead I started actively embracing his “controlling” behavior. I started telling him my plans for the whole day, including approximate times, every day. I put his work schedule on all of my calendars and made sure that he knew that I did it so that I could work my plans and events around him. I started checking in without his asking me to. If my plans changed for the day I immediately called him and told him. I started asking if I could do social things with my friends instead of informing him that I was. When I paid bills, I asked him to sit down with me to make sure I was managing my money the most economically.

I did all of this gradually over a period of about 6 months. I wanted to check in with him, so I did. I wanted his permission to do social things with my friends, so I started asking. I wanted him to know exactly where I was at all times, so I told him. Basically what I did was show him how I wanted things to be, and he was at once captivated and freaked. I was informed on a few occasions that he had never asked me to do “that”. To which I would reply “Nope, you didn't. It just makes me feel better to do it.” All I was doing was following my heart. I craved that kind of control so I took the initiative and placed the power in his very capable hands.

Now as is expected because we are all human, I messed up on occasion. One quite spectacular one was when I visited a girlfriend to play cards for an evening and I forgot my cell phone in the car. I wasn't there for more than an hour when her house phone rang. I was informed that I had forgotten my phone and would I please rectify the situation. Oh yes, and that we would discuss it when I got home. I was absolutely thrilled. No it didn't lead to a spanking, but I find that being made to kneel between his feet while he sits on the couch discussing it with me was almost as effective. Lol

So I got my taken in hand relationship, which I absolutely love, with the man of my dreams. I'm still trying to figure out how to have him be able to access the vast resources here without it shaking him as badly, but at the end of the day he's not stupid. I think he will figure it out. **grins happily**


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Question Asked And Answered

It seems you have found the answer to your own query. Your response to
his "horror" seems to have been quite accurate and low-key enough for
him to have the confidence to be himself.

I would simply recommend that you continue to keep your responses
low-key and compliant and not try to accelerate anything. If he should
query you about your fantasies and desires be totally honest. He may
yet turn to satisfy all that you wish.

Personally, I don't think I would have the patience that you seem to
have had waiting all this out. I may have just ended it, and all too
soon, which probably would have been a HUGE mistake on my part.

Oh, well, we all deal with life's stresses differently and we either
pay the price or reap the rewards. You seem to be reaping the rewards,
so hang in there.

Mike Starre

It's a journey

I very much remember being conditioned by my upbringing and particularly doing my degree from a lesbian feminist sociology department that anything Taken In Handish would be deemed basically horrific sexual harassment. It takes a long time to undo that lifetime of training.

I'd suggest getting him to read over some of the website, and not rush him, and like you say he'll eventually get it.

The Challenge

While it may not be every woman 's cup of tea, nor do I necessarily recommend it, one of my favorite firsthand accounts involving a reluctant husband occurred when a thoroughly frustrated wife used the direct approach.

After confessing her sins, she handed husband a suitable implement, presented herself, and told her husband that either he could do what needed to be done, or she would find someone who would! She described the outcome as most gratifying.

not sure

How well that would work with my husband. He likes spanking me on occasion, although not as much as I would like to. But we are easing our way into this.

To the original poster, I think it is amazing that you could pull it off for that long without getting extremely frustrated. The 'as-if' approach seemed to work for you. I do it to a degree, and after finding this site, noticed that I have been doing the as-if approach all my life, but still, it was pretty frustrating at times.