What does the man get out of it? Many things!

I have previously written about the feeling of freedom that a Taken In Hand style relationship gives me, and I have also explained that I prefer strong but very feminine women. But there is so much more I get out of it than just these things!

First, there is self respect. I get a strong feeling that I am doing something worthwhile. I have been brought up to believe that looking after, protecting, and supporting a woman is the role of a man, and when I am dominant, I think I am living up to that ideal, I feel as a man should feel. I have an image of what a man should be, and when I am in charge in the right way (kindly and considerately, needless to say),

I am that man, and that feels good.

I feel very protective towards my girlfriend, J. I know I can't protect her from everything in this world, but when something painful happens to her, I feel as though I have failed. When I succeed in protecting her, I feel validated almost, powerful and vindicated.

As I have said before, this relationship makes me feel free. I am in charge, J knows I am in charge, and I can do what I want. But at the same time, I have a responsibility to look after her and to make decisions for her and to nurture the relationship. The fact that she has chosen to be with me puts voluntary constraints around that freedom of choice. For example, I could spank J any time I want to. On occasion, that can be fun, but I often choose not to do that because of what I want and what J wants.

Next, there's the erotic benefit. Being in this kind of relationship is hot as hell. One of the first things J said to me once we got together was that she wants me to feel I can take her whenever I want without exception. When she said this, the sheer eroticism of it sent a shiver down my spine. Here was a strong, successful woman who loves and trusts me so much that she wants to be completely available to me sexually. When I'm in bed with J, knowing that if I wanted to take her that night, she would have “no choice” but to accept, and that I could do anything I wanted to, I feel hugely powerful.

Knowing that J is available to me at any time of the day or night, in any situation, at any time, is very erotic for me. I don't actually have to go around taking her in all situations, and I don't. I exercise (some!) restraint. Just knowing that I can, and that she accepts that and wants to give me that level of availability and trust turns me on and makes me feel good and reinforces my ego and feeling of power. When I feel powerful, J herself finds that erotic, and it makes her feel submissive, and that turns me on even more.

I have said that I derive exquisite pleasure from J's childlikeness because it is an expression of vulnerability and trust in me. When J looks at me with her innocent little girl look, I am instantly turned on and instantly want to take her over my knee. It is fun and arousing to have a woman who is not always a grown-up adult being serious and mature. So J's childlikeness and playfulness brings a lot of light-hearted fun into our relationship and my life.

Trust is the next benefit on my list. That J has total trust in me means so much to me. She knows that if I give my word, I will keep it. She knows that I can be trusted with blanket consent. The degree of trust she has, in placing herself in my hands (literally!) makes me feel ten feet tall. Someone has absolute faith in me. It makes me feel high, in fact. When I told J it makes me feel ten feet tall, she said, “You are!” I replied, “Only with you. Normally I'm 6'3".”

Trust is the bedrock of our relationship, but there is also mutual respect. I respect J and what she wants, and she respects my needs too, and accepts that I make the decisions for both of us. It is a meeting of equals but with different roles. I never overrule J without first listening to her perspective, but if I feel that we would benefit from a decision other than the one she wants, I will (and have) made a decision that she did not agree with. I am always very careful in this area—if J ever felt that I took her for granted, that would seriously harm our relationship. But to anyone reading this who concludes that I must be a monster, please note that it was J who asked for a Taken In Hand style relationship. This is what she herself wants. So in a sense, I am not really going against her wishes at all. It is entirely consensual non-consent.

There is a serious ego boost for me in this relationship. It is incredibly flattering to have a woman trust me enough to place herself in my hands. When she rolls over or demurely bats her eyelids, playfully accepting that I am in charge and submitting to my control, my ego expands considerably. I have this feeling that I have something so valuable, so special. I have a woman, a real woman, who wants me, and who submits to me and to nobody else. If anyone else wants to touch her, look at her, harm her, they have to come through me first.

I feel as though J belongs to me, that in a sense I own her, that she is mine. This feeling of ownership or possession (it goes hand-in-hand with the feeling of power and authority and control, etc.) is very erotic. Of course I don't actually think I own J—I have the deepest respect for her, and I don't want a slave! What I am talking about is an emotional feeling rather than a role-playing master-slave game. I in turn belong to J: it goes both ways.

That J has given herself to me completely, given me blanket consent to make the decisions, and that she submits to me and me alone, makes me feel that I have something no one else does. It feels so good. Taking J to a restaurant, letting others see J, and knowing that they are jealous and can't come anywhere near her, that she belongs to me and me alone, makes me feel like a winner—the only winner that matters.

I have a huge feeling of success. This is part of the competitiveness of being a man. (Am I giving away too many male secrets here? I'm trying to be very frank.) We men feel competitive, and having J makes me feel like the ultimate winner. It is probably something to do with the testosterone poisoning. ;-) This relationship feels like a whole new level of success, because of the enormous trust J has, and the lack of constraints she places on me. This is such a change from previous relationships, which while good in many ways, never gave me the feeling of freedom to act and this intense feeling of success I get in this relationship with J. My previous relationships were not Taken In Hand ones.

I hope this answers the questions female readers have about what the man gets out of this kind of relationship. Now it's your turn, ladies. What do you get out of it?


Taken In Hand Tour start | next


Please dont stop!

You cant be real random.
Too good to be true.
Are you so rare or are you a man unmasked?
Please dont stop writing!!!


Random, wonderful! J is a very lucky girl.

There is a scene from "The Simpsons" where Homer holds up Marge's wedding ring and says, "I own her". Dan and I always laugh about that scene, because it truly is such a powerful feeling, and all too often a guilty secret, for so many men, that it actually got spoofed on the show.

I think misunderstandings occur when people confuse that pride of ownership feeling, which is so natural for so many men, with owning someone *against their will*. Ownership being painted as being bad, somehow, instead of ownership meaning reverence, appreciation and care.

When a man and a woman give themselves over to who they are the way you two have, it's a beautiful thing.

Oh, I AM real.....

I AM real, and so is J, as are my feelings for her, and her for me.

However, before you think that we are some kind of perfect couple, we are not—we have our ups and downs as much as any other two strong minded people. Having a Taken In Hand relationship, though, gives us a means to handle our relationship in a manner that makes both of us feel good. The above post was concentrating on what I (as a man) get out of the relationship, rather than a detailed description of our ups and downs....

We have not got where we are without miss-steps and problems—have a look at one of my earlier posts on the first times I took her in hand.... It has been a learning experience for both of us, and hopefully it will continue to be so. On a personal level, I think a relationship is always growing, changing and evolving—if it gets stale, then something needs to change, else you risk the relationship ending.

Stay well, and thank you for the kind comments


Your article inspired me

Random, your article inspired me to take a huge step in my relationship, and I wrote an article about it.

Seconded sentiments

Bravo Random, you've really done a great job of identifying the benefits of your relationship and balanced them with the responsibilities that come with such authority.

The ego boost caught my attention because it is so true; having someone trust in you so much might be a liability for some men, but a dominant will accept it and feel the stronger and more powerful because of it.

Best of luck to you and J.


Whats a girl to do.

Please enlighten the ladies as to what behaviour might be appreciated by our husbands in these early times, first few weeks of this new adventure.
Initiated by her or by him what would he like to see change in her.
Women in this stage often test to see how far they can go and or what they can or cannot do as the man isent always very direct even after much discussion.
thank you.

Random & J


I wish you both happiness for many years to come. Thank you for all you have written. I now know what I have been looking for for years. It's really helpful knowing the way it is on the other foot so to speak.



The pleasure of taking advantage

Random, in his four part article talks about the many things that men get out of a Taken In Hand relationship.

Let me speak to the the unspoken thing; the most guilty of pleasures: Taking Advantage.

Sometimes it's just plain fun and satisfying for a man to take his woman for his own pleasure. Sure, most of the time we're responsible Heads of Household. Usually we discipline her, strengthen her, guide her, and do what's best for her.

But every once in a while, it's OK to take her in hand, place her over your lap and say those four words: "this is for me". The erotic pleasure of a woman's bottom bouncing as your hand strikes it, the sound of the slapping against bare skin, the wiggling as she tries to avoid the spanks, her cries, pleas, sobbs, moans... all of it is something you can enjoy without having to do it "for her own good".

Of course spanking is only part of it, and you may prefer some other aspect or other way of taking her. Taking her in other ways... and you know what I mean by that... is part of your privilege.

If she desires to be Taken in Hand, then take her in hand. Do it when she needs it *and* when you need it *and* when you just want to do it.

If she asks why, tell her the truth: "Because I love you", "Because I like the feeling of taking you", "Because I love the sound of your crying", "Becuase you respond so well to me afterward", "Because your obedience pleases me" or the more basic reasons: "Because I want to"... "Because I said so".


omg what you said was such a turn on for me..........I don't know if that is going to offend anyone her on this site. I am very new at making posts. But WOW.

Taking Advantage? Not really

This article interested me and this response, even more so. My husband has recently started spanking me with no reason except because he needs to. At first I was not happy. But now, it is a reminder to me that he does in fact need me to be there for him when the stress of life is beating him up. Just like I need him to be there for me by pampering me when motherhood or my career is getting the best of me.

The spankings are not severe, and he is so organized that he usually asks one of our friends if the kids can come over and play at their house for a few hours. Then when he gets home, he takes the kids out to their play date and comes back home to our 'play date'.

This happened last night, and then he made love to me right on the living room floor. Afterwards, he made me dinner and while we were eating told me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates that he can spank me as a stress reliever now. It felt wonderful to know that I had made him happy. So while some may say he is taking advantage of me, I'd say that I am willingly giving myself to him...

Poetry! Run for the Hills!!!

What do the ladies get out of it? Well—I wrote this about a year ago, after a particularly... um... defining night for my BF at the time and myself. Ok—so this is cheesy and perhaps a little too "rhymie" for most. But Random asked! Please—no laughter from the gallery! :)

Never shall I walk alone down the road,
He’s with me and holding my hand.
And when all is too much and the path is too strange,
He shows me the route we have planned.

He makes me feel tender, he makes me feel loved,
And welcomed and childlike and small,
He opens me up and speaks straight to my heart,
And shows his control of it all.

Despite all the anger, the stress and the tears,
Despite of myself and the shame,
I give into him as he holds me in place,
And his tigress, in short, becomes tame.

Warm like the kiss of sun, summer’s morn,
His smile radiates from his face.
And I feel him soften with the gentlest of sighs,
As he encloses me in his embrace.


Re: "Poetry! Run for the Hills!!!"

Bel of Oz, I find nothing amusing in your post. On the contrary, I find it beautiful and potentially fulfilling. Your seeming regret for writing this seems to stem from the so-called "Politically Correct Spectrum", which, I think, has no place on "Taken In Hand".

What you desire is what is paramount, and nothing more or less.

Mick McCleod

Are the man's feelings more important

I can't help but notice, Random, that your articles talk quite a bit about how the relationship makes you feel. Are the man's feelings more important or even the only ones that count?

I'm curious to know.

Re: Are the man's feelings more important

Surely you jest with this question? In the ideal relationship, the man wishes his desires to be honored.
Conversely, the woman wishes to be desired.

My question to you is simply this; why should this time-honored arrangement present you with any doubt?

Mick McCleod

Thank you, Random

When I found this site, I was drawn in. I sent the link to John, and he was likewise drawn to Taken In Hand. Though we both enjoy much of the rougher BDSM type play, neither of us ever really quite ‘fit’ with the ‘scene’. I probably did a bit more than he did—but then again, I am very socially extroverted. We delved into Taken In Hand more and more deeply, reading as much as possible, each day. What we both discovered was that THIS fits!

Due to my own insecurities, I could easily see what I would gain from this—but I could not understand what John would gain, other than the spankings that he already had the right to, in my eyes. Now, I understand that he gets as much from it, emotionally as I do. Thank you so much, Random. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to finally have a better understanding. Somehow, even though he told me much of this—it was just not sinking in. I guess it’s one of those things that is more easily digested from an ‘outside’ party.


This is very reassuring.

I have wondered what my man gets from this, since I really am asking him to take on more responsibility than he ever has before (although he has said that he wants this, and in fact that he needs it). However, when you're asking someone for something they've never done before, it's easy to feel kind of guilty about it. So it's reassuring to hear a man's perspective on this, since it can be very difficult for anyone, man or woman, to articulate how something makes them feel.

But I do know my man's ego has swelled exponentially since we got together, and that's not a bad thing. It does surprise me how hard it is for men to feel good about themselves in some ways, and Taken In Hand, when it's done the way Random is describing, really works to make the guy I'm with feel so much better about himself. It constantly amazes me, but it's so true. There are things I know I always used to take for granted that a guy just knew, or simply did, without worrying, but in fact, because of this site and through talking to my guy about these issues, it's pretty clear that his earlier experiences with women taught him to have to rein himself in, especially sexually. This made it much harder for him to believe in himself as a man, I think, because it forced him to question his needs in a way that were really detrimental to his ego.

So, this relationship is liberating for my guy, according to him. He doesn't have to ask my permission for things he always thought he had to ask permission for, for one thing. According to him, not having to ask for permission, especially sexually, allows him to feel much better about himself.

Nice one.. This is really very impressive!

Nice one..
This is really very impressive and I always laugh about that scene, because it truly is such a powerful feeling, and all too often a guilty secret, for so many men, that it actually got spoofed on the show.

Re: Whats a girl to do.

"Please enlighten the ladies as to what behaviour might be appreciated by our husbands in these early times, first few weeks of this new adventure."

My sincerest apologies, but I can't in good conscience afford that advice. You must understand that the best relationship requires the best compatibility. Compstibility requires the utmost in honesty. So, in answer to your question, I strongly suggest you behave in your own best interests and let whatever falls as it may.

Aligning your behavior with your wishes could result in your downfall and ultimate lack of fulfilment. Avoid that like the plague and act as you wish, to the detriment or success of your intended relationship. After all, your true desires will appear in your subsequent behavior anyway.

Ultimately, it is your happiness that is at stake, and for that reason alone you must behave as you wish, and not as you wish the relationship itself to be.

Mick McCleod