What a man gets from Taken in Hand

I've heard this question pop up in several threads in my short time here: "What do men get from a Taken in Hand Relationship?" I'd like to offer my thoughts on this in the form of an annotated list. Hopefully this will help the women understand a bit better. It's also a good reminder for the men why we shouldn't settle for less! Here are some of the things the men get out of a Taken in Hand relationship in addition to the usual perks of a normal relationship:

Desire to protect fulfilled
I want to take care of the people I love. Watching a partner get hurt when I know I could help but they won't let me is a bad experience to go through. Conversely, protecting your partner from unecessary suffering is a -really- good feeling.

A good Taken in Hand relationship feels more solid to me, somehow. Both people are open about what they need. Not only that, but I find that the (few, still) women I've been with who wanted to be taken in hand make it much clearer how much they need me. I don't consider myself any more or less jealous than the average man, but in a taken in hand relationship it almost seems foolish to even imagine my girlfriend cheating on me. Fortunately I've never had that experience, but it seems even less likely to happen in a relationship where my partner looks up to me so much. It may also make Taken in Hand women feel better to know that, for me and I would guess other men as well, the Taken in Hand power exhange makes your man feel very responsible to you. While I wouldn't cheat in a standard relationship, even the idea of being unfaithful to the one I've taken in hand repulses me.

An ego boost
Listen carefully, because most guys probably won't admit this one! Especially us proud Taken in Hand type guys, heh. Honestly, it feels good that somebody else trusts you enough to let you make important decisions for them, and counts on you to take care of them.

A lot of the women around here say that they like emotionally "strong" men. What that means certainly differs for everyone, but what being strong means to me is fighting hard for what you believe in. This too can take an almost infinite amount of different forms. In any case, sometimes my days are full of very difficult challenges, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I expect most Taken in Hand men would agree. So when the day is finally through, I just want someone there who I don't feel like I need to fight with to convince of something.

By our nature, Taken in Hand men like having control over their personal lives, just as Taken in Hand women like giving up a piece of that control. By itself this is not sexual or even romantic—some people simply like or dislike having control of certain aspects of their lives.

Taken in Hand women seem to be most often drawn to straightforward leader types. They usually also can tell the difference between confidence and arrogance, and the difference between wisdom and weakness. Society as a whole seems blind to such distinctions, and so we are often told to do things that, when it comes down to it, are arrogant or weak, and even more often told to avoid things that society tells us display arrogance or weakness but in fact come from confidence or wisdom. If you recognize the difference between the two, Taken in Hand men will definitely appreciate it!

That Special Something
I think it's good to explore why we have this desire for Taken in Hand relationships... however, it's also important to remember that when you're right in the middle of something that really turns you on, you aren't thinking "I like this situation because it makes me feel more comfortable about blah blah blah", you're thinking "Wow." There's something too primal to explain well in a Taken in Hand relationships that just turns some men on, just like it does for some women.

And last but certainly not least, men also get..

You :)


The Taken In Hand Tour start | next



Nathaniel, that is simply wonderful


Thank you!

Thank you, Nathaniel, for your wonderful article! I've read a number of "what the man gets" articles, and while they have all been pretty good, yours really reassured me.

To everyone other than my husband (and even to him when we first met), I am a very assertive and strong-willed woman. I've always known that I was sexually submissive, but when I fell in love with my husband, I knew I wanted to be submissive to him, period. The reason is, I love him so much that I want to give him the things that you wrote about. I want him to feel safe with me and to trust that no matter what the world throws at him, I am behind him, will support him, and will do my best to fulfill his wishes because his happiness is so important to me.

Your section about fulfilling the desire to protect made me smile in particular, because I know my husband experiences this desire very strongly. I don't just mean that he'd go to battle for me if I were ever threatened. It extends to a need to just take care of me, and to be chivalrous without being rejected because of some skewed feminist viewpoint that I SHOULD do everything for myself. I am a feminist. I know that I CAN take care of myself, but I CHOOSE to let my husband take care of me as well. (My biggest frustration with feminists, and people who I feel misunderstand the purpose of feminism, is that they forget that feminism is about CHOICE. The most submissive woman in the world can be one of the strongest feminists, if her submission is by her own choosing. But I digress.)

Anyhow, an example of this popped up recently for my husband and I. I am a university student, working on my graduate degree. A couple weeks ago, my husband came to the university with me to pick up the books I had ordered for the spring/summer semester. As we were leaving the store, my husband offered to carry my books. Without thinking, I said "no thank you, honey, I can do it." I was not thinking, "I am a feminist, I can carry my own books," but instead, "why put on him something that I can take on for him." He responded, "Oh... okay," and when I looked at him, I saw that he looked confused and hurt. And then I realized the problem. My husband is so chivalrous, and always has been (even as a child, I understand from stories told by his family), that he didn't quite know what to do at that moment. It was inconceivable to him that he would walk out of that bookstore and back to the car without carrying my books. He wasn't going to force the issue, because he didn't want to upset me. When I realized what was going on, and what I had done, I asked him if my understanding was correct. He said yes, that was exactly what he was thinking and feeling. I instantly handed him my books, thanked him for carrying them for me, and we continued on our way back to our car. I fell in love with him all over again at that moment. And I also realized that sometimes the best way for me to take care of him is to allow him to take care of me.

So, in a way the things that you wrote about are things that I get from this relationship as well (except for control, perhaps, but that is worth giving up). I want to take care of him and protect him by allowing him the feeling of security that this kind of relationship offers him. I want him to feel good about being able to protect me, take care of me, and to be the type of thoughtful, kind, and chivalrous man who he wants to be. Being submissive and giving up control are not always the easiest things for me, and I sometimes screw up. My need to prove to myself that "I am strong and can do everything for myself" creeps up from time to time. But I work hard to be submissive to my husband, not because I feel that I SHOULD, but because I know that I CAN. For him, I would do anything.

Good post

Glad to read this post. Appreciate the point about feeling responsible and guarding the trust built between you. My love mentioned numerous times early on that our relationship could get so close that it would be inpenetrable, meaning no room for thoughts "outside". I found this so interesting and something I had never heard before. I didn't even think it could exist, sad to say, yet pleasantly surprised and curious to reach that point of closeness.

I also like what Nathaniel said about not wanting to deal with adversity at the end of the day. The world does a pretty good job of tossing roadblocks we need to get through. It is not necessarily easy to set one's daily stresses aside and face new ones at the end of the day, yet we need to really think through who the person we are with is and remember what they mean to us.


All excellent reasons. The on

All excellent reasons. The one you left out, as far as I am concerned, is that Taken In Hand offers couples a way out of that ghastly deadlock that always seems to result in these modern relationships where everything is supposed to be negotiated. I've never fought less or fought better. Instead of feeling defensive, I can really listen to her talk, and be open with her, because I know that in the end I'm calling the shots and if she gets out of hand (and all women do sooner or later), then I can teach her what's what. Having to sit still and take the attitude of an many an angry woman in my non-Taken In Hand relations was a very toxic experience for me causing great resentment (on my part and probably on theirs--at least some of them; since I know that I could have taken at least one or two in hand and failed to do so).

Good article.

Have to agree....good article!

It reminded me of another one that was written over 3 years ago on this site that I read a few weeks ago by Random. He describes it in a lot of the same ways. I compared the two and even 3 years later, it seems the men (at least these two) have a lot in common in their view of Taken In Hand.

I suggest for the newbies to read Random's post too:

What does the man get out of it? Many things!