Wanting a masterful man

When I was about 11, my best friend and I would talk about the masterful men we wanted, in great detail. Interesting that this urge to be mastered came long before any urge to have sex. Later on I learned that I shouldn't want that. I shouldn't want a man to be stronger than me; I shouldn't want him to provide for me; and I certainly shouldn't want him to correct my bad behavior over his knee! I stuffed all these desires into a box and labeled it “outdated desires that belong in romance novels, not real life.” But the desires kept seeping out of the box.

I grew up strong, smart, and independent, yet I always harbored the secret wish that I would meet a man who was even stronger. I never wanted to hold myself back, to pretend to be less than I was to make a guy feel masculine. And yet, when I felt a strong sexual attraction to someone, I immediately wanted to submit to him and be disciplined by him. I never got more than a threat or two, which just left me wondering what I'd have to do to make him carry out that threat.

I remember one guy I was dating saying that he liked me because I was so independent, and how it annoyed him that so many women wanted to be taken care of. My desire to date him died that moment. But part of me agreed with him, and was ashamed of my desire to be taken care of.

The crux of the matter is that we don't need to be taken care of, but we want to be. We're not helpless weaklings, but we want a man who can stand up to us. We're not generally submissive people, but when we meet the right man, we want to submit to him. And it is difficult and confusing to grow up with these desires in a women's lib culture.


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Also from childhood......

Hi Melanie,
(First, congratulations on writing the piece that got me out of lurk mode. I am a professional lurker, you know).
More importantly, you stirred my memories of playing Barbie with my best friend....
GI Joe (the BIG one) (stolen from her brother's room) would play the big, strong man come to help Barbie out of whatever predicament she had gotten into: cornered by robbers; stuck on a cliff; thrown from her car (i.e., tissue box); at the mercy of bad cowboys; screaming in the corner of the haunted house—and every vignette HAD to have the obligatory spanking to show Barbie she shouldn't have gotten into trouble.
We were somewhere around 5 or 6.
Since then I have felt the longing to remain this adventerous, fun, strong-willed handful of a woman and find the perfect match who will not let me bully him, will not hide in his cave too often, will take this bull by the horns and wrestle it into domesticity and submission...Robbin Whittle really nailed it. I've always known I need and want a mate who will match my personality, not be cowed by it. Because I am bold to a fault I want a wiser, bolder man who will advise and keep me safe. It is difficult to find that in today's PC climate.
My first marriage failed because we were too young and too ill-suited and he was a bully/wimp. I get queasy to think I was with him. My current and intendedly forever husband is almost the John Wayne I'm looking for. It's a tough role to fill and I won't fault him for not being everything.
Thanks for the memory!


That was so right in every way. I grew up watching my mom being treated horribly by my father and my stepfather, so I wasn't going to be bossed around by a man. 16 years together and we were both unhappy. Now I understand submissiveness and we enjoy it and he feels truely loved, we have ever been happier, and we actually communicate about everything so well, and we didn't before.

If You Think It's Tough...

being a woman who wants to be taken in hand, try being a man who wants that same thing. It's only been a short time in history that women have been encouraged to reach their potential and be free, independent beings. Think about all the imagery of a man in society, and then imagine the plight of a man who wants to be the one who is taken in hand.

Already some of you must be curling your lips in contempt. What a wuss he must be, you are thinking. But think about it. I talk to men every day, strong men who are just as dominant in real life as the dominant men you swoon over. They have good jobs. They have families they protect and defend and sometimes work themselves nearly to death for. They've been in the army, the navy and the air force, and they were willing to lay down their lives for their country.

When the yucky stuff hits the fan, these men meet the challenge. Are they real men? I say yes! Are they worthy of respect and love? I say yes! Are they just as entitled as a woman to get the spankings they crave? I say yes!

And yet much of society heaps scorn on them.

Before you sigh about the unfairness of being born into a century where women aren't treated like chattel, think about the unfairness of that.

If you think it's tough

I feel you are perhaps being a little pessimistic about the prospects of a man who wants to be taken in hand being able to fulfill his desires. 'Thy Rod and Staff', by Edward Anthony, is written by a man who enjoys being taken in hand, and I gather from his book that he has a relationship where his desires are fulfilled. I once met a man who wanted me to spank him, [and] I knew with absolute certainty that this person and I were not going to hit it off. I did not regard him with contempt, I just realised we weren't suited. In his book, Edward Anthony argues that in his opinion the person who will have most difficulty getting spanked is a woman who wishes to be spanked by a man, in the politically correct climate in which we live. I have not found this to be the case myself, but then the God of Spanking has always been very obliging in finding me suitable men.

Wanting a Masterful Man

"We're not generally submissive people, but when we meet the right man, we want to submit to him."

I couldn't agree more. I have never experienced a need to submit before I met my current man. And there is nothing I wouldn't surrender to him. It is an amazing transformation in an otherwise strong, independent woman. And....I have never been happier nor felt stronger or more secure in a relationship. Long live the masterful man!

In a nutshell

Melanie, what you wrote here is me in a nutshell:

"The crux of the matter is that we don't need to be taken care of, but we want to be. We're not helpless weaklings, but we want a man who can stand up to us. We're not generally submissive people, but when we meet the right man, we want to submit to him. And it is difficult and confusing to grow up with these desires in a women's lib culture."

I have taken care of myself for many years, and I was trained to be independent and strong. This does not change the fact that I want to be taken care of, that I want a man to stand up to me, that I want to be taken in hand. As soon as I met my late partner, I knew that I wanted to submit to him. I had known him in another capacity for years, so there was a familiarity that helped me feel safe with him. I cannot express the internal sensation of submitting to him, deferring to him. It was indescribably delicious, all-encompassing, arousing, anxiety-relieving, heady. He was the safe place for someone who had known no safe places. I miss him every moment of every day, and to be honest, in this modern world, I despair of finding a man who can be as gently and lovingly in control as he was most of the time.


Thank you Melanie and sarahdinah..

Melanie's article and saradinah's quote fullfill me of joy and peace now.. I am happy of having found this site, at last!

Thank you for relieving me from this burden! It will be more easier for me to admit that it's what i -want and need-


Hitting the nail on the head

suziebrenn@yahoo.com Yes, this article is sooooo true of me. I am strong, intelligent, and independent. I have been a single mom of 5 children for the past 10 years. I soooooo want a dominant man in my life. It makes me feel safe and protected. I want to have someone in my life that I trust enough to totally submit to. Someone who takes the time to really know me and what I need.