Under new management
One sleepless night, in the middle of March, an unwelcome thought popped into my head. “Am I manipulative?” I pride myself on my honesty and integrity and yet, I had to admit, I regularly manipulate my husband to get what I want. I got up and spent the rest of the night writing my husband a letter of apology for all the wrong-doings that I could remember. It was a long letter! Writing was therapeutic.
Later that day I asked J. if I could read the letter to him. He's used to my letters pointing out his faults so he was a little wary! Reading it aloud made me feel horribly exposed and ashamed. J. was brilliant though and thanked me for my honesty. After 15 years of marriage I finally felt able to commit. I asked him to stop being so tolerant if my behaviour upset him in future.
A few weeks later, I found the Taken in Hand website quite by chance. It was like finding the answer to a question that I'd not yet thought to ask! I emailed J. a couple of pages and instantly regretted it ... I shouldn't have worried because, as usual, he was open-minded.
Two weeks have passed by and my husband is loving taking me in hand and I'm enjoying being taken! I'm sometimes impatient but J. is well and truly in control, making logical, considered changes where change is needed. I suggested about 56 rules, which amused him. He has established four rules: Respect, trust, love and care for each other.
For me the biggest changes are making sure that I greet him properly when he comes in from work and give him a cup of tea and time to chill. I am managing to stop myself making sarcastic, critical or unconstructive comments. I try very hard to obey him. I make myself available to him for sex (way easier than I thought this would be!). I feel so much more contented with my husband in charge.
J is enjoying his new role as head of the household. I can see now how much my nagging, negative comments and controlling held him back. He's still the same caring man and he still listens to my opinions but he makes the final decisions now. His decisions are sometimes different to what I wanted, but different can be good and take you to new places. He's a hundred times firmer with me and I respect him so much more now that I know he's going to stand firm. Disagreements don't spiral out of control, because I get spanked before they do! He cares for me by sending me to bed when he can see that I'm tired, he limits my time on the internet and restricts my TV viewing. He's put me on a budget; I'm still involved in financial decisions but he manages it. He opens and closes the car door for me—so chivalrous—such a simple gesture but he makes me feel special.
It's early days I know, but our previously good marriage feels refreshed, more sexually charged and fun. I just love my new manager so much!
Have you seen the following articles?
When you've seen a happy marriage with your own eyes...
Do you have a commanding presence?
Do you 'meet as equals' or 'establish roles from the outset'?
Acts of love
The crooked path to where we are
Our type of Taken In Hand marriage
Is a Taken In Hand relationship for everyone?
What's in it for the man? Freedom!
Subjugation or submission?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
Comments
Under New Management
Submitted by Sian on
I loved your article, Jane. There is a blissful and fulfilled feeling once you have admiited to each other what you want in a marriage. For me it has been the same path to true happiness. A loving husband who gives you freedom by paradoxically being in control!
I too get sent to bed when Tim senses that I should. Like you, a good spanked bottom makes short work of disagreements I might otherwise build up inside and restores the balance. I too love the demarcation between roles rather than a blurred and uneasy struggle for dominance. Knowing Tim is in charge and having agreed to obey him, I feel wonderful. I feel feminine and cherished and I know he is happy.
Good luck
Your accomplishment is our goal
Submitted by Lucy Ellis on
I loved your article, especially because it reflects so many of the reasons why I'm drawn to Taken In Hand—giving up control, my husband being firmer with me, etc. Wow, and you guys have accomplished that in 2 weeks—good for you! We're both in agreement of the direction we want to go, we're just a little slower in getting there.
We both really want him to be in charge of the money but when you've been the one handling it for so long (I'm in the accounting field by trade), it's hard to make that transition. Nevertheless, as we both realize the good that can come from it (including placing some modest restraints on my petty cash spending), it's on our list of goals that we're working on one-by-one.
I know that some people may read your post and feel like an adult woman should be able to restrain herself with regard to TV and internet use, but I totally get why it would work, and am looking forward to time when that kind of control comes from husband, too.
As for what we have accomplished so far, I'm working on asking permission for things that at most I would have said, "Would you mind if. . .?" We decided this forces him to take note of things he might not otherwise have and we both want that. I also have a bad habit I'm working on and have been spanked pretty hard for reverting to it. We've also decided that on the extra day I have off that he doesn't, he'll give me a to-do list. Nothing overwhelming or super-tedious, but this, too, will allow him to start to take more charge and oversee things he never did before. Again, we both want to go in that direction.
So, we may not be there in 2 weeks, but maybe 2 months!
Lucy
re: under new management
Submitted by Jane M on
Thank you for your kind, supportive comments on my piece. It gave my hubby and me a boost to think that yes, we are adapting to our new improved relationship so quickly! I don't want to set us up as having achieved perfection however. My husband was always 'in charge' in bed, so I guess we've just transferred this to out of bed too! I must admit he has embraced the changes with relish though!
We were very happy before and taking me in hand just offered a chance to get rid of some of the little niggles that remained in our relationship.
We do have two steps forward and one back some days though. I was most unhappy when I got some of my bank cards taken off me for example!! Like you Lucy, I have always handled the money. I haven't let go of it entirely as I gather the information but he now makes the final decisions, writes cheques etc. Funnily enough he's picking up things that I'd missed because I'm too used to doing it and he's come up with some new ideas!
The biggest change has been that my husband has made me look after myself way better than I used to. I saw Teri Hatcher on TV at the weekend talking about her book, "Burnt Toast" (?). She said that women, especially mums, put themselves last all the time, which I very much identify with. By alerting me to the time and sending me to bed my husband is asserting his control, but more than that he's making me care for myself. This in turn makes me much nicer to live with as I'm not tired and grouchy the next day!!
Good luck with your journey, Lucy. I don't know if it will help you, but I have found some aspects of The Surrendered Wife useful, for practical ideas. I have adapted it to suit us but it's very good for thinking about the sort of stock responses that you make to situations. For example, I hadn't thought about how me moaning about money all the time sent the message to my husband that he had failed me as a provider! Obvious really but I hadn't realised.
Best wishes
Jane
I liked Surrendered Wife too
Submitted by Lucy Ellis on
I did read it and found quite a few suggestions that I'm starting to put into practice. For example, the bit about not giving directions while driving. I wouldn't say I'd go as far as having him cross state lines going in the wrong directions, but when I do make comments, they are more polite and come across more as suggestions than as annoyed bossiness. He's already told me that he really appreciates that. I didn't like everything in that book, but I find myself making application of some part of it probably everyday.
Although he's not told me when to go to bed, I've voluntarily gone to bed the same time he does (which is quite a bit earlier than I used to) almost every night for the last few months, and I think it's been good for us.
Another book I did like quite a bit and keep recalling to mind is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Her direct (sometimes rude) manner turns a lot of women off, but she's easier to take in print and for the most part, I find her advice very real and right on target.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Lucy