Truth and life

In her post, Do you tell him that you've disobeyed him?, Dazy asked whether she should tell her husband if she has not managed to obey him completely in every detail, due to her enormous workload.

This is very near and dear to my heart. I live in a very busy life and lifestyle. My husband also lives in an equally busy life. We both have commitments and interests that we have to schedule into our day-to-day lives. Mine are both business and personally/family invested, his more business and family. The only problem is that I don't fare all that well with health. I have some bigger issues that require vigilant attention or becomes unmanageable for me. My husband insists I rest every day for as long as I can, an hour minimum.

Can you imagine? An hour just not doing anything? Which he counters with “since when is taking care of yourself nothing”.

Damn the logic! I feel guilty because I really like to listen to him. And I really do want to take care of myself. From time to time he becomes very strict and wants to know where in my daily calendar have I scheduled this down time.

I don't lie. I hate it, have never lived my life that way and find it easier to speak the truth, no matter what.

It shocked me when he actually understood my position. He told me that it's not his intention to make my life harder. It's his intention to take care of me.

But there are times when work/life/family just takes all the hours of any day. I wouldn't lie about his request/demand. On the other hand, he doesn't expect me to pull time out of the air. I am highly efficient at managing time as it is. So is he. In turn, he will take as many burdens off me to free some of that time so I can rest my problems and enjoy an evening of less pain or problems.

If you are a woman asking yourself if you should tell your husband the truth that you have not managed to obey one of his commands to the letter, tell your husband what the problems are. In a situation like mine, where there is sometimes a problem finding the time, ask your husband to offer suggestions or help you somehow to create that time he'd like you to have. He's not looking to make your life harder. Remember the love he feels for you and see what he comes up with.

My husband is the first to see when I try my best, no matter what he's told me to do. With everything working with a positive nature, the results can be really wonderful and connecting.


Take the Taken In Hand tour


Has anyone else encountered this problem?

Since my husband and I have entered into a Taken in Hand relationship, all of the wonderful things like increased connection, caring and passion have been the result.

Normally I am happy to do as I am instructed, but like Blush, I have the most trouble doing the things he tells me I should do that are for my health and well-being. I have a great many responsibilities and I always meet the needs of others and do the work I need to do, but my great failing is that I do not always take care of myself as well as I should. In the past, chronic lack of sleep, too little leisure time, lack of regular cardiovascular exercise, and sometimes bad habits have left me drained, even ill. Now my husband tells me when I must go to bed or insists I make time for the things I love to do for myself (like play the piano). Mostly, I do as he tells me. But sometimes I choose not to either because I think I haven't the time, or I just don't have the self-discipline.

When this happens, and I am honest with him about it, he will most often try to help me, rather than punish me. But other times, when he is really upset that I am behaving too badly for my own good, he does spank me.

Although I like that he is caring, protective and authoritative, I really don't like the spankings! So, I find myself not being honest sometimes because I don't want to be punished. I know I shouldn't, but I sometimes lie by omission. I have asked him to ask me outright if I am doing all as I should, but usually he doesn't, and so he doesn't always find out.

Has anyone else encountered this problem? I know there are many readers here who like and even seek out spankings, so maybe it is hard to understand. But for me, I am deeply shamed by it and do not get anything out of the pain it causes. This is the point, you may say; but, rather than to submit to it, I hide from it. All the while, I am completely content with and desirous of the less physical aspects of this kind of relationship dynamic.

So, if anyone has been where I am and has some good advice for me, I am happy to hear what you have to say.

Getting nothing out of it

Your problem is not one I have ever had, since making time for the things I like to do has always tended to be a priority with me, neglecting the things I ought to be doing in order to do things I enjoy is much more my failing.

I have occasionaly lied to my husband about things because I've been scared of him being angry with me, but it's generally a waste of time since he always knows when I'm lying anyway. However, I am not afraid of being spanked, and I do not feel that it is a good thing to have spanking in your relationship if it affects you so adversely. If you really dread being spanked to the point of lying to get out of a spanking, then I think you should tell your husband about this. I am sure he would not want to do anything to you that really caused you such distress.

You do not need to have spanking or any kind of discipline in order to have a Taken In Hand relationship, and in your case it sounds as if this is having an adverse affect on your marriage, since it is creating a barrier between you rather than breaking one down. Why not tell your husband you don't think the disciplinary side of things is working for you and ask him to drop it? It doesn't sound to me as if you are getting anything out of it at all.

There is are some good articles on this site about Taken In Hand relationships that do not involve spanking, a particularly good one is "My husband and I face the world as a team" by Bramble. Spanking is not an essential ingredient of a Taken In Hand relationship, it's an optional extra.


I'm pretty much of the mindse

I'm pretty much of the mindset that if he doesn't notice or ask, it's probably not important enough to mention. If he doesn't care, why should I?

Then again, I don't believe in lies by omission either. If you want to know something, you ask. If the response is untruthful, it's a lie. If there is no response, it certainly can't be a lie. If you don't ask the question, you probably don't want the information.

If I were to "confess" to something that I was or wasn't doing, it wouldn't feel like confession to me, it would feel like a cry for help and attention, which I think is fine if that's what is needed. Sometimes we all need help. Certainly we all need love and attention. I'm just getting pretty sick of asking for what I need everytime I need it. I guess at some point I was hoping he'd develop a certain amount of empathy. It seems like he's actually losing the empathy he once had, almost as if it's just easier on him if he doesn't know. The less he seems to care, the less I want him to care, so the less likely I am to ask him for help. If I always have to ask, I get the message that he doesn't care enough to help me on his own.

Who wants the help of someone who is only providing it out of some warped sense of obligation? You want someone to help you because they love you and know that you love them and would do anything you can to help them.

I apologize for the cynicism. When I feel sad and bitter, I get a bit cynical.

If you truly believe he loves you and wants to help you, be honest with him and get his help. Men can't always be expected to know what's going on in a woman's mind. If he cared enough to ask you to take the time out for yourself, I'm sure he cares enough to make it possible for you to do so.

Truth and Choices

I will admit, for as smart as I think I am, there are times I am a slow learner. Not that I don't grasp a concept immediately, learn fast and apply quickly, I do. But somehow, when it comes to myself, my priorities don't always mesh the way my husband wants them to. I know his concern for me is primary. Why is so very hard for me to be in the same starting gate as he, when it comes to myself? I'll tell you my newest learning curve. For a very long time I did what I was told regarding my well being...(Mostly). I use this qualifier because it saved me many a week from downright lying. It just destroys me to think I might disappoint Gary. His unhappiness with me is worse than anything else I can absorb. He is rarely unhappy. It's his own rule that I take care of myself where I walk the line with. For a very long time I talked, sulked, reasoned, was impatient and on occasion, even frustrated at his lack of patience to understand my time restraints on getting it all done. From time to time he would spank me over this. And between me and the bedsheets, I was able to sexualize these type of spankings so things went just fine. Fast forward to last week or so. He was away on business. I went crazy with commitments and he came home and I was no one he ever saw before. I was a physical wreck. The very next day he took me in hand and applied a very strong spanking that left no room for sexualizing. No fun at all! Would I go out of my way to skip that experience again. I have to tell you, I don't think so!
Not because I want that spanking again. I do not! But I came to a discovery as the days went on. Gary spanked me again the next week. Oddly enough he called it a 'top up' although I reassured him I hadn't forgotten the first message. Nothing sexual involved in the tone at all. When he asked me if I 'dreaded' the spankings I had to honestly ask myself the same question. What I came up with was no. I didn't dread them for the simple reason I have come to trust him so much, that I know he won't hurt me. He would never do something that made me insecure. But saying that, if I were to dread a spanking, or get close to that point, I'd be telling him quickly. In the dynamic of the relationship, if I am going to hate something then I'd rather not do it. It's one thing to dislike, be uncomfortable or downright embarrassed or inconvenient. But to dread or hate...I'll give it up first. Why would he want me to have those feelings? He wouldn't. It's much better to go back to square one. Which I have been doing for years. Telling him repeatedly what is possible for me, what isn't. This time, he felt I hadn't looked at all my options. He was right. I am far more cognizant now to watch my downtime, rather than fill it up. Sometimes not the easiest decision, but oddly enough, the possibilities are there. Which way to go? Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. But I'll certainly take a close look before I make the right choice.

Truth and choices

Blush: Being submissive is one thing, but it's a little disconcerting to hear you say "It just destroys me to think I might disappoint Gary". I know it's none of my beeswax, but maybe you could take some pressure off yourself if you re-framed that as "I really hate to disappoint Gary, but that's life, it's going to happen sometimes, and thankfully he's a forgiving chap"?

Soft words and images

I have learned by design, that it's so much nicer in this world to present ideas and concepts as gently as possible. Perhaps it's my nature, or some kind of coping mechanism for me. There are plenty of others who can 'say like it is' and have no qualms of doing so. When asked my thoughts on a presentation of opinions, I tend to say 'there are ways to say something, and there are ways to say something'. For much of the time, my thoughts are not taken with as much seriousness as I've always wanted. Gary has told me because I 'sanitize' so much of what I want to really say. I am forever hopeful that the interested parties will simply 'get' what I'm saying. Once an insightful girlfriend told me I 'vaseline coat' my razor sharp remarks. On occasion when I say something with force, it's my truth, no matter how it may come across.
In my life I've seen abuse. That sounds much nicer than saying I was violently sodomized, routinely. Or I was gagged until near death, repeatedly. It's much nicer to say I was asphyxiated periodically.
I've learned a much nicer life since. I've been taught not to carry so much guilt with me. None of this was my fault, but that was a hard concept to let go of. For anyone else, therapy is good! I really don't blame myself the way I used to. But that has taken a lot of work on behalf of my husband and my trust in him that he is right. So I tend to take most of my old need to shoulder all that ails, and combine it into never wanting to disappoint Gary. That way he takes the blame for everything that goes wrong in my world. I wish I could sugar coat that particular feeling, but it's a strong one. Not that a softer description doesn't fit, it does! It's Gary's one goal to make sure I am never responsible for anything that goes wrong again. Which is why I have never disappointed him, even when perhaps there may have been potential.


I understand your "sanitising" point. I always tell people when they sack someone please make sure it doesn't sound like they're getting a pay rise! I am submissive. Perhaps unusually I'm sumbmissive fairly generally with most people. I have to work around that in life and have worked out ways to manage it.

Should he take the blame for things that aren't his fault? Interesting issues. I supose if he takes decisions then if they are wrong it's his responsibility. I think I tend more towards more equality even in Taken In Hand relationships or perhaps I just mean that I would expect in some areas I would be expected to take some decisions.

History and Reasons

Every Taken In Hand relationship is different. For reasons designed to that couple, individual or purpose. It has to be. Each of us has unique needs or desires. Those different needs create an entire host of discussions because it's hard to see the history or reasons that go behind them. I am not a submissive woman. Do I have submissive thoughts and desires? Oh yes, but not to everyone, anyone or even generally. It's highly selective and only one man has noticed, nurtured and is given that submission. When he steps out of the room, I am no longer submissive. On the other hand, he does live in my head so it's easy to step into my feelings with or without the physical 'him'. We do many things to nurture my submission. The reasons are often fascinating, but don't apply to another woman because she has her own unique ways or needs. For me, I had been seriously trained to take all burdens and responsibilities. From early childhood, to early marriage and then in my role within my immediate family. If the day goes wrong, it's my fault for not being level enough to program in for error. If the weather is wrong, I should have been farsighted enough to predict. If a mood is sour, I must have created it. It became so intense for me, that I simply took responsibility for everything near me. The reason our local public school didn't meet fund-raising quota was because I didn't volunteer enough. The reason I don't ever serve myself food first is because I don't want to be responsible for someone else not having what wanted. It's nearly manic how far I'll go to protect myself from blame. But look into my history, and you'll see someone being blamed, berated, beaten and silenced for many things that were not my, or anyones fault. So it became clear to my husband that he needed to adjust our Taken In Hand lifestyle and dynamics to help me blossom from my self protective shell. He took all decision away from me. Therefore, I can't ever be wrong. I can make poor choices, but they aren't wrong. Even if they are, he will not assign blame. Not for my submissive needs or reasons, but simply to stop the pattern. But my self blame runs deep and the changes Gary makes are fragile, easily slippped back into in a nanosecond without vigilant watch and validating conversation. It's getting better with years, but it lives deep within.
My husband dotes on me. Insists I recognize my own feelings and if I can't, he will probe and either encourage or demand I care for myself. I have health issues. Due to prior abuse, I'm left with physical scars which require attention. I'd happily forge right through them and ramp up my pain and ignore it until it brought me to my knees. After all, my self worth was taught at a different level. Work Ethics and Energy Applied at any cost was my enforced role. So now rest and sleeping have become my new applied rule.
Equally in accepting love and kindness. Never could I put my physical needs first. Nor accept anything without thinking an immediate good turn. I had learned that a price was to be paid for any attention to myself. The price was so heavy, I didn't want that attention anymore! So Gary puts rules in place to force me otherwise. I must wait to be put in the car. I must wait to have my coat put on or off. I must wait to be tucked into bed each night. Is that for submission? In ways. But if you look at the history, it's for reasons to help me accept love. Submission was just a good
In our marriage I am never wrong. Simply because if left to my own brain patterns, I'd be wrong for every little thing that happens. Having that lifted from me, allows me to have a freedom otherwise. Once it's not my fault anymore, I can be there in a supportive way. Laugh it off, accept the reality but not bear the weight of the guilt. Gary does not do things lightly. He has watched, looked, probed and guided. He does things with purpose and reason. Each of us comes with our history and therefore reasons for doing what we do. I say before we can truly understand the whys or hows, take a deeper look.
I don't need deep pain to be submissive, some do. I don't bear anger or raised voices well. Others thrive. I don't need to be taken physically to feel submissive. Some do. I need to be forgiven so I don't feel bad (I can do that fine on my own), other don't. Which is why a Taken In Hand relationship is right for me, and right for you. But only right in your own hands.

Reply to History and Reasons

Blush's 11/26/06 posting really struck a chord with me. I've been reading this site for about a year, and have printed off several articles for my husband to read. This was the first one that he was able to relate to. Like Blush, I'm not a submissive woman, but I do have the desire to be submissive to my husband. I've spent most of my life caring for others- elderly and ill parents, patients (I'm a nurse), my children, siblings,in- laws, friends, etc. I tend to ignore my own feelings and occassional need for physical and emotional care,if indeed I'm even willing to admit I have those needs. My husband wasn't raised in a nurturing enviroment, and though he was and is able to nurture and care for our children from infancy to adulthood, he didn't feel the need for me to care for him, or for him to care for me. He would simply get frustrated with me for being physically overtired or emotionally exhausted. After reading Blush's posting he is starting to look at at my tendancy to stuff down and ignore any physical or emotional problems related to me as opportunities to intervene and make both of our lives easier, and is starting to provide care for me in that way. Thank you for being willing to share your experiences.

How he takes charge

To be honest I haven't always shared with my husband when I haven't obeyed something. Sometimes I have allowed it to slide because frankly I didn't want to deal with the aftermath at that particular moment. However I usually own up to it later. Sometimes he just knows. Sometimes I email it to him.
My life has changed once again to working full time and I enjoy it and my mother has moved in with us and she has been in the hospital plus one of our daughters is pregnant and she needs me too. Those are just a few things.
More health issues have crept up and my husband told me to stay home from church today to sleep, that my health is more important and I just need some down time. I appreciate that but the whole time I tried to sleep the more I stayed awake. When he came home I told him simply that I couldn't sleep. He wasn't mad just concerned for me.
My husband knows me well and he knows when I need rest many times he will come home and simply inform me that he is making dinner tonight and tells me to go rest. If I insist on making dinner for him as he has been working all day too he tells me to leave the kitchen. So normally I go.
I do like to obey him and being disobedient does not always mean a spanking (although sometimes it does)many times he just takes charge by taking over if that makes sense.
I appreciate how he takes care of me and how we actually take care of each other.