This man

This man

I have been enjoying a relationship with a very masculine man. He can be a lot of fun with an upbeat personality. He can also be serious and to the point. For example, he seems to like to be the boss. This is a somewhat new type of experience for me, as in previous relationships I have held a lot of strength one way or another. This man is very quick to slice to the point and keep things on track. I may carry the conversation in different directions but he always goes back to the main point until he hears my response.

This man's ways tend to leave me breathless. I like his strength. Yet sometimes I find myself feeling like a kid. Or said another way, like I feel I am put in my place. That place feels like a traditional route. It is far from the independent woman I have been. That traditional place brings me a different kind of comfort and one that I feel I need and have been missing. To better explain it, I feel as though I am cared for and respected and treated like a woman who is in the company of a strong, knowing man.

This man is quick to demonstrate that he will use his masculine strength as he wishes and when he wishes. This is both physical and mental strength. If I try to kiddingly push him onto the bed, he is quick to grab and flip me first. If I say I am going to spend my time watching some TV show that I really have no interest in watching, he'll tell me there will be a quiz.

This man is very respectful. He is old-fashioned. He has some standards, such as that ladies shouldn't swear. Of course not.

I do not think I have ever felt completely relaxed in the envelope of a man's love. Yet with this man, his strength beckons. He is more challenging in some ways then I am experienced at working with. Therefore, I find myself both attracted to his strength yet also wondering if I am betraying who I have grown to be—strong, independent, in control. And maybe control is the biggest flag of all. By relaxing into, and accepting, his male strength and position as a leader, who am I?

In a relationship in which the man is clear about the fact that he will take charge when he wants, is it normal to feel a bit “small”?
To be a capable, adult woman taking instructions (which he calls guidance) is odd. Yet, he is generally quite right in what he instructs. And in the end, I feel happier and usually achieve a goal.

In the past, this type of man is one whom I might have been quick to get angry at (i.e. “you'll not tell me what to do!”, yet something about him and where I am in this place of my life, is very attracting to my mind.

It's just such a different place to be for me. I am not familiar with it. Can you help me to understand it?

Smitten

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Comments

He sounds awesome!

All I can say is that he sounds awesome, and I have experienced the same feelings that you are experiencing...with my late partner. It sounds as if you have found just the right match!

Elephants and ants

Smitten wrote:

I find myself both attracted to his strength yet also wondering if I am betraying who I have grown to be—strong, independent, in control. And maybe control is the biggest flag of all. By relaxing into, and accepting, his male strength and position as a leader, who am I?

Many strong, independent, in control women long to be with such a man. In this comment, I talked about this, using the analogy of being a great big elephant and wanting a fellow great big elephant because of the stressfulness of constantly fearing treading on a dear little ant.

In a relationship in which the man is clear about the fact that he will take charge when he wants, is it normal to feel a bit ‘small’?

When a great big elephant finally gets together with an even bigger elephant, yes, it is quite normal to feel a bit “small”.

In the past, this type of man is one whom I might have been quick to get angry at (i.e. “you'll not tell me what to do!”, yet something about him and where I am in this place of my life, is very attracting to my mind.

It's just such a different place to be for me. I am not familiar with it. Can you help me to understand it?

You are a strong woman. You want to be with an even stronger man—and with a man who is in charge in a relationship rather than one who is not. You are a great big elephant. Being with a fellow great big elephant, instead of an ant, is very relaxing and pleasurable.

This Man and Me

It's been a year since I first wrote about "This Man". Happy to report, all is not only still well, my love for him has truly deepened.

What is different from a year ago, is that I have been learning to know a new side of myself that seemed to have been locked up behind walls of caution that made me feel on guard most of the time. He has helped me so much to get to a more relaxed feeling by consistently loving me AND by staying consistent with how he expresses himself, etc. He has never surprised me by suddenly changing gears on what he wants, needs, would like to perhaps, expect in our relationship.

When I tell him that there is something I need to say sometime (setting the stage for discussion that I am not quite ready to have), he will say something like "now's a good time". Why is that so special? Because he will drop what else he is doing to listen to what I have to say. I have no idea why I think it is so difficult to express my thoughts some times, but he helps me to get there. And he does not judge my fears. He listens, he may ask a question or two and offer helpful words.

Where before I used to wonder if I could, now I have become more relaxed with him being strong and that I know that taking charge is a natural part of who he is. How he survives, as a man, in this crazy, wild and can-be dangerous world. There is no competition between us. There is no feeling on my part, that we have to be equal this-equal that. We just are who we are.

I have been learning to not think twice, to simply trust decisions he makes. Some people may naturally be able to do that with their significant other, not so easy for me. Yet, it feels good to not feel that I need to have my hand on the "control stick". I feel more relaxed, at peace. I feel sometimes, like I'm jumping out of a plane without my parachute, yet he guides me to a soft, safe landing. This is wonderful to experience!

The good feelings I get through my changing behavior of accepting This Man's ways in my life, and knowing the trust, builds my love for him. And the doors leading to my capacity to express love openly, continue to open wider. I do not feel I need to guard them.

A year ago, my cards were held closer to my chest. I was learning, trying to accept new experiences, trying to relax. I wondered, by relaxing more in to his strength, who was I becoming? I think, I was becoming me.

Smitten

Exquisite!

Smitten,
It has been some time since you last wrote about your feelings and relationship with a taken in hand sounding man but I find them VERY encouraging. You are describing how I want my relationship to be.

Thank you!