Hello. You might remember my personal ad on this site that was posted a while ago; it was titled “The Bridget Jones without the Hang Ups”. Within days of posting that introduction, I met someone through a well-known internet dating service, and I felt so confident about this man that I decided to remove my post from Taken In Hand and take my chances on this man who knew nothing about Taken In Hand.
At 32, I had been through so many relationships of doom that I was determined that this time I would be insistent that my great love understand my need and desire for a Taken in Hand relationship. I was certain that if this type of relationship were established it would have a significant positive impact in many areas.
In the years leading up to this, I had wrestled with my desire to be spanked, hoping that it would go away. But as time crept on, I kept finding myself back with the same desire, the same longing that I had struggled with since I was about 5 years old. I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt that I must be weirder than weird. Just the mention of the “s” word put my ears on high alert and I was sure my face blush and give my secret away. I recall how there were times of boldness during a heightened sexual awareness that even the most sexually charged macho men in my relationships would not feel comfortable providing even playful spankings because of the true committed aspect of submitting they knew would unfold. But I eventually reached a conclusion that I was not going to fight my desire any more and that whomever I decided to share my life with would have to understand and love this part of me as the desire had not gone away no matter how hard I wished it to.
Before my man and I ever met face to face, I sent him the link to the Taken in Hand website and a copy of my introduction that was on the site. Although my love did not have a previous understanding or desire for this specific type of relationship, he seemed to hold a respect for it and a willingness to learn and understand me. He was curiously aroused and motivated to pursue me. Based on this, I went forward in meeting him, and I have never had a more fulfilling relationship based on common interests, values, shared dreams and goals, and just feeling that he is THE one I had been looking for my whole life. He was sweet, tender, compassionate and fun. I had the highest hopes that my love would understand me totally and fulfill my need to be physically taken in hand and spanked. I had, after all, supplied him to the inside of my soul with written revelations of my deepest desires.
Surprise! He didn't. He read a ton of articles on the Taken in Hand site, he read my personal ad, and despite being very smart, he just didn't get it. Somehow he kept misinterpreting it as a dominating or controlling perspective, and that isn't what Taken in Hand is all about, I think. It's about loving and guiding with firm direction toward good things and willingness to provide the consequences if defied to ensure I stay on the correct path and do not self-destruct. (This is my own understanding, I know others have different perspectives.)
I cannot begin to express the frustration I felt with him. I just couldn't understand how such a rocket scientist genius like him could not get it; but he was so wonderful in every other way I could not part from him.
Then there were the times when he would sort of get it and it was I who would suddenly be in a totally opposite frame of mind and totally unreceptive. Then I would wonder why I had responded like some kind of cold fish. Confusing for both and not very encouraging from his perspective, I imagined. It was as though I wanted it but when it came right down to the moment, I either did not want it or I dismissed his attempts because they weren't exactly in line with how I imagined it would be.
Have you ever been there? It's like the Super-Independent and Totally Un-Submissive in you decides to kick in. This confused him beyond words! I was absolutely sure that if I just expressed exactly how we could get started, eventually everything would fall into place. I wrote a script of sorts complete with the how, when and what for's that had to be in place for me to be submissive to him.
Shortly before we tied the knot I began to have recurring health issues from the past of stomach problems and feeling just so awful that I really began to doubt that maybe I was doomed to live in misery and that my Love deserved someone more physically healthy than myself. The longer I was sick the more doubts crept into my mind that I was not deserving of a truly good man and good life. If you have ever been truly sick for a time you can get stuck in a place of feeling so badly about yourself, your past mistakes, your shortcomings and faults. When you can't even get out of bed some mornings, you have unlimited hours to invite self-pity and self-loathing into your thoughts. I did everything my doctor prescribed and recommended. Then a funny thing happened. I started to read my Bible, and the more I read, the more peace I found in myself and the more physically better I began to feel. Not all at once, just dribs and drabs of energy, renewed spirit. I began to start doing little things for my husband that I didn't normally do for him.
As my energy returned, I found myself going the little extra step for him, trying to think of his needs before my own. You would not believe what happened the more I did this. I told you my Love was compassionate, loving and kind? Well, he began to be more so. He started thinking of my needs before his own. The more kindness I showed him even in my own distress, the more he showed me in ways I had never dreamed any dream man were capable of. A little example is when I fixed dinner. I usually just threw together our plates of food as a chore and suddenly I started taking care in how I arranged the food to be most appealing and even cutting up the meat on occasion so he could enjoy it to the fullest without distraction. I started to focus on the little things that matter to him that I had never given serious thought to. These little acts of love on my part started to come back to me quadrupled in the unbelievably tender ways that I cannot capture with words.
Somehow, I have found a path in life that amazes me every day. My husband got a raise through work, I found my passion career-wise, I found a whole new inspiration in each day like each day was a lucky day. I've found a lot of things about myself. I am finding personally that when I start to have obsessive thoughts of spanking on a discipline level, that usually I am very self-focused and not really in tune to others' needs, specifically my husband's. It's almost like a barometer of keeping myself in focus. My desire has all but left for the physical level of discipline. I remember in the past, when I used to be so totally focused on the act of spanking, how miserable I used to feel on the inside when it wasn't coming to pass. Now, I do not have that burning desire any more. The desire has faded; it no longer rules me. It's as though my submissiveness is more refined, more mature and the goodness of being a submissive wife has informed who I am, and all sorts of good things are pouring out of me.
I now have a sense of peace and a totally different perspective on control in our relationship. I used to feel that to be submissive to my husband meant that I was less of a person than he. Now I know that we are both equal but in very different ways to suit the needs of one another and to extend to the family I hope we someday have. When I think back to the subconscious feeling of needing a man to correct me and guide me, and when I think of the lengths I went to, to find the kind of man I thought I was seeking, I cringe. I endangered my life in past years, on occasion meeting up with men on adult internet sites with a proclaimed similar interest only to find their interests were very dark and deep in a disturbing way. If you are wrapped up in disturbing darkness through submission, that is not good.
Since I have discovered my true self and have become more accustomed to understanding myself and understanding what I am here on earth for, I can, without doubt, proclaim that my husband is more of a leader in our home than ever before. Our home is peaceful, loving, and I have never been happier (and also cleaner and more organized than I was ever dreamed I could be). Even my fears and jealousies of other women faded away as I became confident that I am a woman who cannot be replaced. I have become confident in exactly who I am, which is a helpmate to my husband, and I am cherished and loved beyond my wildest dreams!
I just felt a deep desire to share this with anyone who may have felt similar to myself in hopes that it may shorten your own struggle for the relationship you want.
Have you seen the following articles?
A woman must know that her man cares
Being taken in hand was really rather super
Is discipline a necessary component of a Taken In Hand relationship?
Some advice for men seeking a woman
Forget 'ideal'—look for the real
Is it ever OK to FORCE your wife to do something?
An unexpected benefit of our Taken In Hand relationship
Never do without sex again
The Night Porter: movie review