Things can change
Hello. You might remember my personal ad on this site that was posted a while ago; it was titled “The Bridget Jones without the Hang Ups”. Within days of posting that introduction, I met someone through a well-known internet dating service, and I felt so confident about this man that I decided to remove my post from Taken In Hand and take my chances on this man who knew nothing about Taken In Hand.
At 32, I had been through so many relationships of doom that I was determined that this time I would be insistent that my great love understand my need and desire for a Taken in Hand relationship. I was certain that if this type of relationship were established it would have a significant positive impact in many areas.
In the years leading up to this, I had wrestled with my desire to be spanked, hoping that it would go away. But as time crept on, I kept finding myself back with the same desire, the same longing that I had struggled with since I was about 5 years old. I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt that I must be weirder than weird. Just the mention of the “s” word put my ears on high alert and I was sure my face blush and give my secret away. I recall how there were times of boldness during a heightened sexual awareness that even the most sexually charged macho men in my relationships would not feel comfortable providing even playful spankings because of the true committed aspect of submitting they knew would unfold. But I eventually reached a conclusion that I was not going to fight my desire any more and that whomever I decided to share my life with would have to understand and love this part of me as the desire had not gone away no matter how hard I wished it to.
Before my man and I ever met face to face, I sent him the link to the Taken in Hand website and a copy of my introduction that was on the site. Although my love did not have a previous understanding or desire for this specific type of relationship, he seemed to hold a respect for it and a willingness to learn and understand me. He was curiously aroused and motivated to pursue me. Based on this, I went forward in meeting him, and I have never had a more fulfilling relationship based on common interests, values, shared dreams and goals, and just feeling that he is THE one I had been looking for my whole life. He was sweet, tender, compassionate and fun. I had the highest hopes that my love would understand me totally and fulfill my need to be physically taken in hand and spanked. I had, after all, supplied him to the inside of my soul with written revelations of my deepest desires.
Surprise! He didn't. He read a ton of articles on the Taken in Hand site, he read my personal ad, and despite being very smart, he just didn't get it. Somehow he kept misinterpreting it as a dominating or controlling perspective, and that isn't what Taken in Hand is all about, I think. It's about loving and guiding with firm direction toward good things and willingness to provide the consequences if defied to ensure I stay on the correct path and do not self-destruct. (This is my own understanding, I know others have different perspectives.)
I cannot begin to express the frustration I felt with him. I just couldn't understand how such a rocket scientist genius like him could not get it; but he was so wonderful in every other way I could not part from him.
Then there were the times when he would sort of get it and it was I who would suddenly be in a totally opposite frame of mind and totally unreceptive. Then I would wonder why I had responded like some kind of cold fish. Confusing for both and not very encouraging from his perspective, I imagined. It was as though I wanted it but when it came right down to the moment, I either did not want it or I dismissed his attempts because they weren't exactly in line with how I imagined it would be.
Have you ever been there? It's like the Super-Independent and Totally Un-Submissive in you decides to kick in. This confused him beyond words! I was absolutely sure that if I just expressed exactly how we could get started, eventually everything would fall into place. I wrote a script of sorts complete with the how, when and what for's that had to be in place for me to be submissive to him.
Shortly before we tied the knot I began to have recurring health issues from the past of stomach problems and feeling just so awful that I really began to doubt that maybe I was doomed to live in misery and that my Love deserved someone more physically healthy than myself. The longer I was sick the more doubts crept into my mind that I was not deserving of a truly good man and good life. If you have ever been truly sick for a time you can get stuck in a place of feeling so badly about yourself, your past mistakes, your shortcomings and faults. When you can't even get out of bed some mornings, you have unlimited hours to invite self-pity and self-loathing into your thoughts. I did everything my doctor prescribed and recommended. Then a funny thing happened. I started to read my Bible, and the more I read, the more peace I found in myself and the more physically better I began to feel. Not all at once, just dribs and drabs of energy, renewed spirit. I began to start doing little things for my husband that I didn't normally do for him.
As my energy returned, I found myself going the little extra step for him, trying to think of his needs before my own. You would not believe what happened the more I did this. I told you my Love was compassionate, loving and kind? Well, he began to be more so. He started thinking of my needs before his own. The more kindness I showed him even in my own distress, the more he showed me in ways I had never dreamed any dream man were capable of. A little example is when I fixed dinner. I usually just threw together our plates of food as a chore and suddenly I started taking care in how I arranged the food to be most appealing and even cutting up the meat on occasion so he could enjoy it to the fullest without distraction. I started to focus on the little things that matter to him that I had never given serious thought to. These little acts of love on my part started to come back to me quadrupled in the unbelievably tender ways that I cannot capture with words.
Somehow, I have found a path in life that amazes me every day. My husband got a raise through work, I found my passion career-wise, I found a whole new inspiration in each day like each day was a lucky day. I've found a lot of things about myself. I am finding personally that when I start to have obsessive thoughts of spanking on a discipline level, that usually I am very self-focused and not really in tune to others' needs, specifically my husband's. It's almost like a barometer of keeping myself in focus. My desire has all but left for the physical level of discipline. I remember in the past, when I used to be so totally focused on the act of spanking, how miserable I used to feel on the inside when it wasn't coming to pass. Now, I do not have that burning desire any more. The desire has faded; it no longer rules me. It's as though my submissiveness is more refined, more mature and the goodness of being a submissive wife has informed who I am, and all sorts of good things are pouring out of me.
I now have a sense of peace and a totally different perspective on control in our relationship. I used to feel that to be submissive to my husband meant that I was less of a person than he. Now I know that we are both equal but in very different ways to suit the needs of one another and to extend to the family I hope we someday have. When I think back to the subconscious feeling of needing a man to correct me and guide me, and when I think of the lengths I went to, to find the kind of man I thought I was seeking, I cringe. I endangered my life in past years, on occasion meeting up with men on adult internet sites with a proclaimed similar interest only to find their interests were very dark and deep in a disturbing way. If you are wrapped up in disturbing darkness through submission, that is not good.
Since I have discovered my true self and have become more accustomed to understanding myself and understanding what I am here on earth for, I can, without doubt, proclaim that my husband is more of a leader in our home than ever before. Our home is peaceful, loving, and I have never been happier (and also cleaner and more organized than I was ever dreamed I could be). Even my fears and jealousies of other women faded away as I became confident that I am a woman who cannot be replaced. I have become confident in exactly who I am, which is a helpmate to my husband, and I am cherished and loved beyond my wildest dreams!
I just felt a deep desire to share this with anyone who may have felt similar to myself in hopes that it may shorten your own struggle for the relationship you want.
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Comments
Bridget, thank you, this is a
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
Bridget, thank you, this is a wonderful account of growth and very inspirational. I would like to add that there was a time when I was the strong, ultra-independent woman and submitting was just not going to happen. You aptly described how I felt about cooking, a chore! I went through a period in which I also sought greater knowledge and understanding; to make a long story short, I purchased a very easy to read Bible and sifted through parts. I found peace and that I was not alone in my growth.
I am in a relationship with a strong minded man who very much believes in the traditional ways of relationships. That there are reasons why the sexes are truly different. There are certain tasks that are better suited to men vs. women just by nature of who we are created to be. Society has told us this isn't true, so it creates internal dissention sometimes.
I feel that my relationship with this man is part of my growth process. He has, through casual conversation and expression of his views, helped me to re-examine my own throughts. My learnings of submitting out of love, I can put in to practice on a greater basis now. Cooking, the traditional female art of which I am still learning, is no longer a chore. It is an action of caring and wanting to be sure he has the comfort and nutritional substance he needs.
Submitting out of love is really what the focus should be. Not the game-style of role playing. Your writings have captured the true essence of this AND it also reassures me that my path is also the right one for me. Somehow we just know when it's right, by the good feelings inside.
Right down to the stomach problems, I could've written your post. I am thankful that this site exists so that we can share and learn from each other.
Men and women's tasks
Submitted by Louise C on
Actually, it's only relatively recently that the worlds of men and women have come to be considred ridigdly seperate. In the pre-idnustiral era, men mostly worked at home, and women tended to be involved in the running of whatever business they were engaged in, and men were actively involved in the running of the household. According to John R. Gillis in 'A World of Their Own Making: A History of Myth and Ritual in Family Life' houses in pre-industrial times were more like offices or factories than what we think of as homes, because they were places of business as well as places to live. Men, he says:
I was greatly cheered by reading this book, as so much is written on this site and others about 'traditional' men's and women's roles, it gave me great satisfaction to find that my own husband, who has always been actively involved in domestic matters, cooking, childcare, etc, is actually as 'traditional' as any husband who considers himself above these things, it's just that he belongs to an earlier tradition than they do.
Submitting out of love, although a nice idea, is not precisely what I do. Although I do love my husband, I submit because he makes me, otherwise I couldn't do it. Love isn't always enough, at least in my case it isn't. I can't be submissive unless he is dominant.
Louise
Happy Domestic
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
I think that there are all things that we are called on to do that we don't want to do, but we submit and do them to keep the peace....but Louise, I wonder how do you feel inside about submitting mainly because your husband is dominant? I understand you enjoy that (me too) but do you feel peaceful inside? I am just curious. I find that it is easy for me to be angry if I do it "just because or else" but if I remind myself that it is out of love, then I feel more at peace inside. I feel totally within my element and place. Oh boy, that sounds soapy but it is true. I find my domestic work (at this stage of the game) to be more fulfilling then my business career in which I serve others for money. I gain more serving out of love.
The book is curious, also. Thanks for that info. I think back to what I know of my ancestors which dates to the turn of last century. Since they had larger families, I would think the women would have mainly tended to the kids and done the domestic routine while the men did the farming, or blacksmithing or whatever their occupations. Now, prior to and during the Depression, both spouses did whatever work could be had and no doubt shared family responsibilities. It was really not until post WWII that I think the roles became rigidly defined.
And then, the feminist backlash. I wonder though, if the movement made a big deal out of nothing or was it just the domestic roles of women in the '50's that created a stir?
Sometimes, I am ashamed that I do not live up to the standards my ancestors held. Hard work they did. The same tasks are made so much easier today from modern conveniences and yet I think they are still tiring.
I am thrilled that the man who I love is a traditionalist at heart. This may sound silly to some, but the more domestic I become, the more I feel connected to my ancestors. The women who truly could do it all and still find the energy to attend a Saturday night dance.
Just because or else
Submitted by Louise C on
It doesn't work quite like that for me. I mean, I don't on the whole obey my husband because I am afraid of the consequences if I don't. What happens is if there is something I'm supposed to do that I am reluctant to do, I'll get told something like "You will do this, and I will not have you defying me" or "Who is the master here?" and I find that any spirit of definace collapses immediately and I feel quite compliant again. Likewise if I'm in a bad mood or sulky or something he'll just say something like "Having one of your little moments, are you?" or "Don't get funny with me, or you know what will happen", and I find that my bad mood just ebbs away. It's not so much that I do things for fear of the consequences, as that my husband is able, quite easily, to banish any feeling of defiance or resistance and make me want to do as I'm told.
This is slightly different from how I envisiged it being at the beginning of our Taken In Hand relationship. I was so surprised and grateful when my husband seemed to understand what I wanted, and to be willing to try it, that I was sure that I was going to be a model of domestic compliance and would happily do everything he told me to do and never argue with him or get annoyed about anything. The tide of gratitude carried me along for a while as I threw myself into domesticity with increased enthusiasm if not competence. However, the glow soon wore off and I found to my dismay that I could still be sulky or resentful if told to do something, or told off for not having done something I was supposed to. That my husband was not in the least disturbed by this, but just took it in his stride, was a big surprise to me, but a very pleasant one. He just assumes that it is his job to make me behave myself.
This in fact is what he is supposed to be doing from a 'traditional' point of view. In Gillis's other book "For Better or Worse: British Marriages 1600 to the Present", he points out that the man was supposed to be able to keep order in the home. If a man was known to have a nagging or adulterous wife, social disapproval tended to be directed more at him than at her, because he was seen to have failed to keep his wife in order. In much the same way I suppose that nowadays people say "I blame the parents" when they talk about unruly or problem children, a badly behaved wife was seen as a failure on her husband's part to control her properly. Although I am not by inclination either nagging or adulterous, I can be very temperemental, and I find it intensely pleasurable when my husband is able to override these rebellious feelings and make me compliant again.
Although very far from being a domestic goddess, I am quite happy to stay at home with the children, and whether women were really so desperately unhappy with the 'traditional' role I don't know.My mother and all her friends were stay-at-home wives, and they mostly seemed to be quite happy with their lives. I don't subscribe to the notion that one must have a job outside the home in order to be happy, I found many of the jobs I had quite boring, and although being a housewife is not the world's most exciting occupation, I personally think it beats being stuck in some dreary office or factory. I can stop and take a break whenever I like, do things in any order I feel like, go out and come back when I like. Being a housewife undoubtedly has less prestige than it used to, but then modern conveniences mean that most things are easier to do now. If you are happy to settle for less esteem in return for less hard work (I am) then you don't have a problem. Women who hanker for a role that will bring them more prestige have a problem which I don't.
Louise
I need him to be dominant
Submitted by RONYAG on
I have been given loads of advice, mostly from people telling me to be submissive, loving and kind to my husband (basically a Domestic Godess) and then HE will naturally give me the kind of relationship I have been asking for. This sounds like great advice but I am unable to be submissive and even tempered unless he is dominant and forces me to be that way.
It's a bit of a chicken and egg senario. He won't be dominant and enter into a 'Taken in Hand' relationship while I am such a COW to him (mainly through frustration) and I cannot be well behaved and submissive until he becomes dominant.
We have now been going on like this for over a year. How can we resolve this?
Ronyag
Needing dominance
Submitted by Louise C on
I entirely sympathise with your desire for dominance. I have found that I can only be submissive if my husband is dominant. While I very much enjoy feeling submissive, I can't feel that way unless he puts some effort into making me feel like that. The more dominant he is, the more submissive I feel. I need him to be actively engaged in bringing out my submission.
Have you explained to him how you feel? The fact that you need his dominance in order to bring out your submission? If he will only be dominant if you are submissive first suggests to me that he doesn't really understand your needs. It's a system that I for one would find quite unworkable. Perhaps if you explain to him that a lot of other women feel the way you do, i.e. they need to feel actively dominated in order to be submissive?
I see our Taken In Hand relationship as being like a battle of wills in which I want my husband to be the victor, but I need him to be prepared to exert himself in order to achieve mastery over me. I'm not going to surrender to someone who refuses to engage in battle. If your husband wants your surrender, he needs to be prepared to put up a bit of a fight for it.
Louise
Ronyag, try this
Submitted by a Taken In Hand reader on
Tell him you need him to be dominant and then show him the Taken In Hand website. He may have the potential to be dominant but may be trying to act in the “politically correct way”, and he may be concerned that you might act even worse and maybe even leave him.
Responding to your Response...
Submitted by Bridget on
Thank you for your feedback, it really makes me glad I wrote in, just based on your feedback alone. I'm so thankful for the website master/creator for being able to edit my thoughts without losing the essence of what I really wanted to say. Amazing! This site is amazing! It's funny how far-reaching being this type of woman goes. It's a glorious feeling that I am finally able to be my full loving self to my husband and to others. God's purpose and plan! I've reached out in the lightness and can extend myself to others that I wasn't as capable or inclined to before. Like yesterday we had a new neighbor move in across the street. Normally I would just be curious (a little gawking out my window to survey them like a curious cat) but I was inspired to leave flowers for them and welcome them to the neighborhood with a casual open invitation to say hello. It left me feeling probably better than receiving the flowers myself. It's a million little things like this that makes every day a fresh and exciting day. Just that mentality of "what can I do for those around me" husband first, always of course... Take care and God Bless!
Little things...
Submitted by Hera on
Bridget, what a lovely post. As ever I never agree with everything everyone writes but I think that's simply because people differ so much from each other. I specifically and only date men who are self defining as dominant and have done it before and hopefully have been as dominant for as long as I have felt submissive which like you was about 5, first going to school and onwards. So I'm not sure I could mould someone who wasn't dominant to being so or perhaps I'm just too lazy/old to bother/try. However who knows? Depends who I meet.
I particularly wanted to comment on your point about doing things for other people. When I'm dealing with my various off spring whatever I do for them they pay back in some way, really appreciate; same with work; same with helping out neighbours. I'm not some kind of saint (I'm an imperfect Catholic) but I certainly agree with your views. I don't know how people expect men to be dominant with them if they're being difficult with the man. It's my submission which brings out the dominance, I've found. You get no where with antagonism, even with children and particularly with men. Best of luck with it all.
Being difficult and dominance
Submitted by Louise C on
WEll, if a man can't cope with a woman being difficult, then I would say he's pretty hopeless at being dominant. A man who can only be dominant if the woman is totally compliant and never difficult would be quite useless to me, since I am frequently difficult, and my husband has to put a fair amount of effort into keeping me obedient. If he couldn't do this, our relationship would have foundered long since.
A man who expects a woman to be docile at all times, and can't cope with a bit of spirit, would not really be a dominant man at all in my opinion. I see a dominant man as being a man who likes a challenge, which my husband does. A man who's really dominant ought to be able to cope with a bit of aggro.
Louise