The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

When people ask whether you want to be “dominated” what is your answer? I never quite know whether the answer is yes or no. It depends! Is the questioner referring to what is commonly known as sexual dominance, or some other sort?

Many Taken In Hand readers are positively turned off by the idea of being dominated sexually—but sexually turned on by being dominated in other ways.

If you enjoy being dominated sexually, you might like being tied up and left to wait, or you might like being told what to do in the sexual arena. If you have service-orientated submissive tendencies, you are probably thrilled by the idea of being required to serve your man sexually. You might like being given moment-by-moment instructions, possibly in a sharp voice or a commanding tone. If you have masochistic tendencies too, you might like being made to wear nipple clamps or subjected to other painful procedures. There is also humiliation and no doubt other things that might come under the heading of sexual dominance.

If sexual dominance leaves you cold, you are likely to be indifferent to these things, or more likely positively turned off by them. You might well very much want to please your man sexually but thoroughly dislike being told what to do sexually on a moment-by-moment basis.

Many women make the mistake of thinking that because sexual dominance and service-orientated submission leave them cold, they have no desire to be dominated at all. Or that they are mixed-up. Or that when their heart races at the thought of being with a man who wears the trousers, there is nothing sexual about it.

Actually, it is sexual. What is going on here in many cases is that such women are aroused sexually by authority, control, the man being more generally in charge. They respond sexually to non-sexual dominance but not to sexual dominance. They get a sexual kick out of being with a man who is naturally and unselfconsciously dominant, and who takes charge in respectful, easy-going, understated ways. They just don't happen to enjoy service-orientated submission or being told what to do sexually.

Understanding exactly what it is you and your loved one like is half the battle. The more you understand about each other, the more likely you are to be able to jointly create new ways of interacting that thrill both of you and lead to further exciting discoveries. And remember: what you like or dislike today may not be what you like or dislike tomorrow.

Whatever you like, whoever you are, I wish you joy in your relationships.

the boss

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Comments

Non-sexual Dominance..

The boss has found a way to describe the differences. I for one do not crave dominance. In fact I may bristle if someone would attempt to dominate me.
I have found myself responding to authority, and when done in the gentle but inflexible way that Gary has, it is rather hot.
But only his authority.
Others I can barely tolerate if directed at me.
Now, I will admit that Gary's authority which in the arena of the bedroom does in fact turn into dominance. And I slip into my very submissive mind-frame and we connect.
I am not service oriented per se. But I do follow directions and since we have moved into me needing to submit in a rather strong way, Gary has had to become more directive and use his authority to produce some highly charged exchanges of energy. But I could simply not even imagine myself responding like this to any other person in this world.
It has taken us years to build to this place. It is restricted to us. Him dominating me, me submitting to him. We are not moving into some rather mild restraints. Where they were more of the invisible kind for so long, they are now tangible and leather.
I doubt that if Gary would have used a strong dominant theme he could have gotten nearly as much submission as he has.
And once again, this has all been strongly underscored by love.
Being loved and in...Blush

Different Submissions

Boss...I think you have done well highlighting that different women (and men) will need different forms of dominance and submission. One could easily write an entire treatise on this subject. I think the difference between what you suggest as 'non-sexual' submission and overtly sexual submission is one of the ways many people will distinquish between head of the household DD and D/s styled relationships. Though most relationships appear to have elements of both 'non-sexual' and overtly sexual submission, I think the DD construct best describes the dynamic when calm authority is paramount. Though most often quite restricted in the area of overt sexual submission, it's really hard for me to ever deny that spanking is certainly a form of overt sexual submission even though this is not the most important or defining element of most head of the household DD relationships.

Thank you....Frank Nelson

Spanking Sexuality

Frank Nelson writes that spanking is sexual but in my House it's not sexual but for punishment only.

Spanking Sexuality

Another writes that in her house spanking never takes on a sexual element.
It is for punishment only and truly.
While I can certainly believe it feels that way if you are being punished and it hurts, I wonder how your husband feels.
Gary and I have had this discussion many times and he says it is nearly impossible for a man to have a naked vulnerable woman over his lap and not have even a mild stirring of sexuality for himself.
While it does not have sexual undertones for Another, I sure can see Gary's point.
And frankly, I for one agree with Frank.
This is not to diminish Another, simply agree that sexual spanking is prevalent regardless of the 'why' it is happening....Blush

Spanking and Sexuality

For us spanking is a highly sexual activity, even if it does not lead directly to a sexual act. Being taken in hand by my husband, which often means spanking, makes me more attracted to him as a man. In this sense, even if I do not want sex right after a spanking, we come closer as a couple and we feel more loving with each other. We are more sexaully attracted to each other. Because we become more loving with each other, and closer as a couple, and more attracted to one another even a discipline spanking can be sexual for us, although we never have sex right after a one. Quite frankly I am rarely thinking of sex immediately after one. The whole taken in hand dynamic has made me more attracted to my husband. Our sex life has changed for the better. So for us spanking cannot really be separated from our sexuality, even if the intent of the spanking is not sex, and even if it does not make us feel immediately sexually charged.

Good article the boss!
Take care,
Tevemer

The Lines Blur

To me, the lines between sexual and nonsexual dominance are very blurry. If he spanks you and it directly turns you on, that's sexual. If he spanks you and it doesn't turn you on at the time but it makes you hot for him later, that's sexual. If it just makes you appreciate him more and this lands the two of you in bed more often, that's sexual too!

Behind the fetishy feel of the leather clothing, the collars and the sexual dominance protocols is basically the same thing. The spanking and the other trappings are a turn on. Some people want to express their submission by kneeling, calling the dominant Sir or Ma'am, or by wearing special adornments (such as a collar). For others, the symbol of ownership is simply a wedding ring and without the outward trappings they choose to obey in much the same way a sub obeys her Dom.

There isn't a huge difference and in the end, it is all a turn on for both if it is working properly.

The Sexuality of Spanking

The links between sexual responses and the act of being taken in hand for a bare bottomed spanking by our beloved partner seem so very strong to me. In the post "The Lines Blur", the author has managed to cover several of the possible emotional responses to this act, but one not mentioned that I think is significant is the response to just the "idea" of his authority. It too elicits a sexual response to enough women, as I have seen it described, that it makes me wonder why some continue to describe it as non-sexual for them even in entirely disciplinary settings for punishment. That sexual response as I understand it is deeper love and desire for thier partner because of his involvement with them, and most find it thrilling and satisfying. If these kinds of feelings were not present would/should any of us consent to participate in discipline that involves corporal measures with a life partner? Would he consent to administer corporal punishment without that link in place? If so, would it be hollow and lack the binding qualities I find so necessary to motivate behavior changes? Is sexual response not part and parcel of a loving relationship and attraction to one another? Can discipline happen in isolation?

Annie

Is it sexual or not?

There are two main branches of spanking in this house.

The first group of spanking happens frequently, several times a week. These are responses to my constant need to test the limits, to goad, to stir, sometimes just to make sure I have not been forgotten. They may be fast and can come both with and without ritual. They are followed with or without lovemaking. They can be short and sharp. They are always reminders of the lines of authority but there isn’t a severe tone about them. Underlying them all is a small sense of play that makes them very sexy indeed.

The second type is what I would classify as purely discipline. They are fairly infrequent, once maybe twice a year. I only push things waaaaaaaaaay past my limits every so often.

I was reminded of the difference between these two about ten days ago. I had teased the man about something. Am I expected to remember what? It was some silliness that I blurted out impulsively. He was working on the computer. I expected him to growl at me as I left the room.

Instead something woke inside him. He stood and held out his hand. This is the signal for me to put my hand into his and follow his lead. I did that. He led me to the sofa where he sat down and tugged me a bit closer. Sometimes the devil just takes over. I looked at him and said, “ah not tonight” as I pulled my hand out of his and walked away.

He closed the distance between us in two giant steps, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me back to that sofa where he turned me over his knee and proceeded to deliver the harshest spanking I’d had for a very VERY long time. Worse still he did it all without saying a thing. Pushing MB to the point of silent anger is never a good move.

Once I could catch a bit of breath I howled and wailed and begged him to stop, saying he was hurting me far too much. He stood me up. “Hurting you too much, am I?” he asked, unbuttoning my jeans and then undoing the zip. He hooked his fingers into my knickers and in a single deft movement pulled pants and panties to my ankles before flipping me over his knee again. “I guess I’d better be able to see just what I am doing then.” He said as he lit into my quickly reddening backside again.

When his anger was spent he sat me on his lap and cuddled me briefly before sending me to the bath and then to bed. The after burn lasted for over 24 hours.

Hands up everyone who thinks this type of discipline spanking is sexual?

Too true it is! His authority, his taking control, are absolute turn ons for me. Maybe even more so in the second context (never followed by love making) than in the first.

Annie is right. It’s the idea of his focused authority that makes it sexual. There is a lot of indifference around. His caring so deeply is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.

Maddy

too good

My wife is too good, that's the problem. She never talks back, attempts to escape, swears, drinks, smokes, drives too fast, messes with other men, or deliberately defies me. So, folks, how am I to "exert my authority" by disciplining her? I'd love to give her a very hard spanking for some naughty behaviour, but the worst that happens is that she might be a bit late back home, or not clear the mouldy food out of the refrigerator. She doesn't do anything to deserve the kind of spanking I would like to give her. What can I do?

Malcolm

Malcom, if you are craving di

Malcom, if you are craving discipline spankings, then maybe you and your wife should discuss it, and lay down some rules with the small annoyances that bother you like wasted (moldy) food, or her being late.

Maybe she even has some habits that annoy her that she would love your assistance (in the form of a discipline spanking) in helping her to correct them.

I know my DH hates wasted food, no matter how small, and I need help in correcting my bad procratination.

Of course if this succeeds, you will then truly create a perfect wife. But I am sure if she is into spanking, she will give you a new 'reason' ;)

too good

You should spank her once a week because if you don't know what for she does?

Malcom

I agree that you should help her work on her mildly annoying behaviors through spanking. I have been spanked for things like leaving the tap water running unnecessarily or for not putting away the laundry in a timely manner. It is your right to expect your wife to obey you on everything no matter how small the offense. It is how she will learn respect.

His right?

Assuming that Malcolm lives in a civilised country, it is not his right to spank his wife if he feels like it, unless she feels like it too. He does not, assuming again that he lives in a civilised democracy, not some savage theocracy, have a right to expect his wife to obey him on everything, or anything. No woman in this day and age has to obey her husband at all, unless she feels like it.

too good?!?!

I find it funny that someone would complain about having a nice, sweet, obedient wife.

I can only speak from personal experience, but I have no desire to intentionally goad my boyfriend into spanking me. I don't want to risk damage to the relationship by doing something truly foolish. Sometimes, however, I crave a stronger/harder spanking (it helps me unwind after a stressful week, something about having all control removed from me is cathartic). I'd talk to her and see how she feels about it. It's possible that if she already has an interest in spanking she may have the same desire. If she doesn't though she may still be willing to let you try given the comfort of having a safeword to use.

I really don't think you want her to change her sweet nature or needlessly worry you just so you can have an excuse to spank her.

too good wife

Malcolm, she sounds like a dream. You don't want to mess with that. But does she think like a Taken In Hand woman? Do you sense that she basks in her sense of your authority? But you really do want to give her a very hard spank. There's something in what you say that tells me you need to express your authority to her, not leave it implied. It's not just sexual, but it is sexual too.

First, I'd say, be sure of your authority. Is this a mutual Taken In Hand relationship? Because it sounds like you love your wife and your marriage even now, and you only want to enhance it, not undermine it. As a wife, I would have resisted that idea if it seemed to come out of the blue.

Beyond that, you will establish your authority even by telling her that you need to spank her because of the pleasure it would give you. Sit her down quietly and talk to her. Give her time with the idea, and be sure she understands the loving place it comes from. She may deeply resist the idea, and you may have to decide how hard you want to push it. That will make you question your own masculine authority, but it shouldn't: you can be in charge without corporal punishment. But on the other hand, you might just need to clarify your authority to have this important need met. Give it a lot of thought. Maybe give her some time to think about it. It may stimulate her emotions later on if she thinks about it alone.

Just some thoughts.

I appreciate your thoughts

Your comment is very thoughtful. As a wife who brought this to my husband, I found that he had feelings about it that surprised me. It is a vulnerable thing to change a marriage that is working and go into new territory.

too good

You've married a woman who is too perfect. If you'd married someone like me you'd have plenty of reasons to spank her. I can't help feeling that she probably isn't interested in being spanked: if she were she might try and do something to provoke it. I mean, I don't really know, because being too perfect isn't something I've ever had to worry about, and I give my husband plenty of reasons to spank me without trying at all, but if she wanted you to I feel she would do something to indicate that it was what she wanted. I don't know how a woman who is perfect gets her husband to spank her, like I said, it's not a problem I've ever had.

too good

My wife was spanked frequently by her father as a young girl. She was raised in a Southern Baptist family with strong moral principles. The spankings were done over the knee, with pants both up and down, and administered with a ruler. She has very bitter memories of these spankings, yet she loved her daddy and respected him. When I have brought up the topic of discipline spankings in our relationship my wife insists she doesn't want them. Is it possible to introduce spankings into our relationship or is it too tied to my wife's religious upbringing and the feelings of guilt and shame associated with it?

Malcolm switches!

Jayda wrote to Malcolm:

Malcom, if you are craving discipline spankings, then

.... tell her you want a role reversal. Sorry—couldn't resist!

Interesting post

Interesting post. Why do some respond sexually to what you are calling "sexual dominance" whereas others respond sexually only to "nonsexual" dominance? Why do some respond to "sexual" dominance but not to "nonsexual" dominance? Can it truthfully be called "nonsexual" dominance if they respond sexually to it?

Your thoughts?