I enjoyed reading this post very much. As a woman who probably falls in to the "looks more masculine" catagory, you've left me with a sliver of hope! I keep my hair short because it's easy (and suits me), my makeup either non-existent or super-dramatic (none of this smudge of lipstick and mascara crap) my clothing comfortable and funky. I love a good, heated debate and rough sex.

I think that there are many women like me who don't deal with the feminine=submissive equation that is usually drawn. Pearls of wisdom like "dress in a more feminine fashion (skirts and pastels) and wear your hair long" or "lowering your eyes and looking up through your lashes is sexy, submissive and feminine" do nothing for me. I can't help but point out that as "feminine" is the adjective of "female", then as a female I am intrinsically feminine. And I don't bat my eyelashes or giggle like a pothead. In fact, I loathe the women I meet that I consider "girly-girls". They bore me. I lift heavy things. I can walk home by myself after dark. But having said that, I enjoy being taken in hand. I love a very dominant man – one with the strength to maintain power over me.

In past relationships, I've felt the need to back myself down a bit. All the reading I've done has made me feel that if I need to change who I am to attract the kind of guy I want. Because the kind of guy that I want seem to be attracted to the kind of girl that I am not.

So thankyou, Eric. Perhaps there's a man out there for me yet.

Eric says that changing for the guy diminishes a woman. Well, I would agree if he means changing in the sense of pretending to be something you're not, putting on an act or something like that, but for me that isn't how it's worked. Changing certain aspects of my behaviour that exasperated my husband has led to greater domestic harmony and has made us both happier. I feel that changing has been of benefit to myself, as much if not more than to my husband, and I feel enhanced rather than diminished. It does not have to mean behaving in an idiotic fashion, giggling, or looking up through your lashes (my husband being the kind of man he is, if I did that he'd only ask me if I'd got something in my eye anyway). Sparring can be great fun, but it is possible to have too much of it, especially when it can escalate, as in our case it frequently did, into a full-scale row. Changing just a little bit to accomodate someone else's needs is not really such a terrible thing to do. I don't know that women do think men want obedient women, some men do, some men don't I suppose. It would certainly never have occured to my husband to demand obedience from me, it's something I chose for myself. Sparring's nice, but there comes a time when you want peace, at any rate that's what I want.

My kinda woman is Maureen O'Hara in the old movies. That lady had balls! McClintock, The Quiet Man, etc. She gave as good as she got, and the men were Real Men too. Gotta love those old movies. And she was regularly taken in hand too!

I love a very dominant man – one with the strength to maintain power over me.

It has been such a joy and relief for me to find I am not alone in my dichotomy of personality. To be intelligent, aggressive and successful during the day and when I come home to want to release the reins to the big, strong man in my life; to manage my staff better than I, seemingly, manage myself and choose to defer my management to someone who truly has my best interest at heart; to be able to direct a company, but to be unable to pull myself out of the abyss of self recrimination when I make a mistake.

I've spent my life with self help books attempting to "figure out" how and why I tick the way I do, because there seemed to be something wrong with me. I have read so many stories from the women posting on this site, and all I can say is I want what you seemingly have: honesty, passion, intimacy, emotional release and security. I seem to be able to create security for those around me (I was a single parent for several years) but not for myself. I am married again and my heart directed me to this man because he is my compliment, the one who can give me what I need; I just have to do what I know I need to do. To let go of the fear and trust. Easier said than done!

Errol Flynn was married three times and fathered at least as many children. Always the charmer, Flynn was accused of statutory rape, bisexual pedophilia, and Nazi sympathizes.

John Wayne was the stage name of Marion Michael Morrison. Most likely, Wayne became a superpatriot because the budding Hollwood star found it more fun to play a war hero than to be one.

Instead of signing up - as did Henry Fonda, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, and John Ford (who would later direct Wayne in several movies) - the hard-drinking Wayne cranked out thirteen war movies, got into several bar fights with men in uniform, and made a USO tour of the Pacific theater during World War II.

Marion Morrison was married three times and fathered seven children. As with his war films, Wayne's work on McLintock and Quite Man may have been to experience what Marion Morrison could never achieve with the women in his life.

Even though much of John Wayne's personal philosophy appears in McLintock, Maureen O'Hara - who gave up her film career during her successful marriage to a man, who was in real life everything Wayne played on screen - probably understood what Marion Morrison needed to do in real life better than Morrison's alter ego (Wayne) understood himself.

Some of O'Hara's understanding appears in the earnestness with which she plays the Taming of the Shrew vignettes in The Quite Man - filmed a decade earlier than McLintock. Rumor has it that O'Hara also chided Wayne for not spanking her hard enough during the filming of McLintock.

We used to have the biography of him that made all those accusations about him being a Nazi etc in the library where I worked years ago. There was an old man who used to go berserk every time he saw the book and would start shouting and swearing. I had one colleague who was very evil, and every time he saw this old man come in he would get the book out and put it on the display stand on purpose, just to set him off. I once read an inteview in the paper with Maureen O'Hara, and she said she wished she had a dollar for every time she'd had her bottom smacked on screen, but I've never seen a movie of hers that was 'S' rated apart from McLintock. I like Elsa Lanchester's comment about her "She looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, or anywhere else".

Stephen -

Thanks for your comment, very interesting, and I agree with you. I have no argument with what you said, I merely have a personal preference for a woman who expresses herself in resistant ways rather than just submissive ways. There's no question many submissive women are strong and even dominant in their lives, but I want a woman who is not afraid to express that with me too. Not a woman who wants a submissive man -- I am far from that -- but one who while being resistant and in control also wants to be taken in hand.

Eric

Eric:

I WISH I could find a man like you! I envy the woman who has you. I have yet to find the man who "gets it" like you do -- who respects my strength and yet understands my desire to submit -- and doesn't confuse the two. Thank you for your post. ms

To the writer of "Finally" --

I wish you the best in your search.

Based on the responses from admiring women, Eric is the belle of the blog ball!

You're probably fending the girls off with a stick. Knock 'em dead! Oops, I shouldn't use those phrases here - someone might take it literally.

But seriously, I write this with good will... I just have an acerbic sense of humor. Carry on.

Where to find more men like you? I'm extremely resistent, but just because I want force.

resistance

That is the word I have been looking for to express how I feel, what I am, what I do.

Also your article decribing your meaning of resistance perfectly fits.

After all, is it not how you define a word personally that you get meaning??

It is fun and I love it.

Not to be confused with other words like forced.

It is thrilling and I can always think of something new to ... aviod. I love it when I don't win and not just in a sexual nature : )

I found this site today and have had the double pleasure of realizing I am not odd in being an independent-minded woman who loves a strong, dominant male, but there are also men out there who relish the challenge of being with a woman who knows her own mental and emotional 'shape' and who doesn't automatically morph herself to fit the man (or people) she is with. The fun is in the 'negotiation'.

I've always had a soft spot for a guy who can physically pick me up and carry me to where I refuse to go - all in good fun, and even if sometimes I'll fight tooth and nail. Of course, he must also be the type of guy who will have the perceptiveness to see through me and be tender with me when this is called for. It is amazing the depth of tenderness possible at the point where strong personal forces meet.

I am strong willed and able to put up a good fight for my side so I don't ever feel completely free when I'm with someone I have to 'protect from me'. Holding myself back makes me feel stifled. I love it when I'm with someone who is playful and unafraid and who is willing to step into unknown terrain with me. Emotional, physical, or otherwise. This can be such an exciting experience.

One thing that about your article that was like a cool drink of water was the qualities you described in the women you find attractive. I've had this battle with a boyfriend in the past - where he attempted to persuade me to become a more girly girl than I actually am. This annoyed and insulted me, I liked him the way he was, it never occurred to me he was not fully appreciative of who I am. It was a rude and hurtful awakening.

Luckily there have been men in my life that have found the way I naturally am exciting and attractive, so I did not just give myself up. But I did start to wonder whether all the cliches were true. That you have to dress a certain way, be the girly girl, to attract your mate. The relationship suffered after that mainly because I still loved him although I scorned his narrow definition of womanliness. It changed both of us. He lost some of his convictions about women in frills and lace and after the huge fight I did actually try a few things to see if I liked them, but only to be sure I wasn't cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I like the possibility that I can become more of whatever I put my mind to, but I know underneath it all I'm a jeans and sneakers kind of girl and I also know the best thing of all (which your article affirms!) - that the guy who is drawn to me, is drawn to what's actually there and not some flimflam, glossy mirage of a girl that gets dismantled at night.

I was beginning to despair that these types of men are so few and far between. Everyone around me so correct and androgynous and overly polite and reserved. Men, so careful and soft and indestinct. Men with fussy hair. And then I read your article on resistent women! My only question Eric, is: where do men like you hang out?

Thank you! And also for a wonderful site.

It was with quite a bit of relief that I read Eric's article. I was having problems labeling myself "submissive" since I'm one of the strongest willed women I know. I'm a natural leader and I find it easy to take control of situations that others flounder at. On the other hand, when I'm with a strong, take-charge man, I feel completely fulfilled being controlled by him.

So I was happy to see Eric's viewpoint that not all women who want to be ontrolled by a man need to go peacefully to their fates, even knowing that its ultimately where they want to be and need to be. Having been brought up in a family of strong willed woman it's not always easy to balance these opposite sides of my personality. Thank you Eric!

Ok, Eric I agree you wrote a wonderful article and all of us like minded ladies agree on it. It has been a few years since you did so and I hope you have found that “resistant” woman you desire. Having said that, I have a question for all us strong “resistant” women. Why are there so many of us still looking for the man like Eric? What has happened to those that think like him? Are they a minority? Are they just too shy or cynical to seek us out? Do they live in herds on the Serengeti? Where are they?

The only ones (other than the rare ones here that actually seem to know how to type a few words together and have the courage to let the other guys know they can) that I seem to find are those that think the world revolve around them alone. I see these guys a dime a dozen everywhere I go. Where are the truly strong ones? Why do they not speak up? Is it a taboo for the single ones to admit they might like this too? I hope not. Yes, Eric and the other men who give us a rare glimpse into the strong male psyche give women like us hope for others.

I am writing this in challenge to the other men that may be holding back, the “fringe lurkers” that read but never give. Please let us know you still are here and tell us what you are thinking. It is you men that make this site one of the most fascinating I have ever come across. It puts the “guy side” into perspective for me and makes sense of the sometimes confusing signals you men give. I would like to hear more from you all because you tell it with honesty and even if I do not always agree with what you say, it makes me pause and wonder. I wonder if my beliefs might be wrong or conceited. Perhaps I have not been so open to all things as I had thought. I need your side of a discussion to make sense of mine. I tend to speak my mind anyway and the Internet has given me a “captive” audience as it were. I enjoy the banter and feedback and if a few of you more timid lurkers would join in, I think you would find it would help clear up things for you also. So I challenge you (in that “resistant” woman sort of way) to answer it. Tell us how you feel and let us know that we strong women are not drowning you strong men with our sheer numbers.

Libby

Libby, I do agree with you on that, just as much as I understand Mike's point. I am not a feminist type of woman, on the opposite, rather old-fashioned when it comes to relationships between men and women, but I know many women that would not at all agree with me.

Now to my problem, I am a successful manager in a male dominated industry, good-looking as well (do not want to brag, this is just to point out THIS major obstacle) which requires a certain "professionality" and "coolness" to be respected and acknowledged.

Unfortunately, most men are immediately intimidated if a woman is successful in her job. They don't even bother to look any further, she MUST be a feminist.

It was never my goal to end in management... it just happened that they offered me the job. Also I'm curious and love to learn about the world and study. But when it comes to choosing friends and a potential partner, degrees mean nothing. I hold a few, but when I look at people it is the people I see, with all their qualities. My friends come from all different backgrounds and educational levels. Frankly speaking I'd prefer a woodworker from Canada to any Director, CEO or whatever I encounter in my work life.

So I often think it is such a pity, if a man does not dare to step up and show some interest. As I said, I'm old-fashioned, I do still expect the man to be the first to show interest (even if it is just with a smile or longer eye-contact).

As to the selection process mentioned, I apply this just alike: if a man does not have the self-esteem, sovereignty, will power, courage and determination to go after what he wants, then he is definitively not right for me. I cannot tolerate/respect a partner that is softer and weaker in will power than I am. I want somebody who is more dominant than I am and thus not easily put of by a little resistance. This resistance is there in place to see how persistent he is.

Who values an easy victory?? It is the electricity and the game that is exciting, the measuring of will power, the decision to give in or not...

Lana

Lana, I hear you. I too find the hunt by a man to be exciting. And like you, have been disappointed that the truly worthy ones will not begin the hunt. They seem to be willing to just sit back and wait for us to find them, then have the gall to complain because we are not doing it right. I freely admit I have not the slightest idea why they would expect us to do this. Maybe if I did, I could help us all find the perfect men we are searching for.

I have been in management in the past, except as a nurse, the system tends to be a good ol’ girl one instead of a male oriented one. Part of my problem dealing with it is I do not play well with others all the time, especially back-stabbing ambitious women. I have also worked with the type of men you have described that are intimidated by strong women who are very honest, to the point of brute bluntness, that know what they want and are not afraid to articulate it. Even some of those elusive alpha men seem to have this problem with strong women. I personally find this very frustrating. Just because we are strong, they have already decided we cannot possibly want a Taken In Hand relationship. In fact, most of us want exactly that. We have to be so strong in our professional lives, most of us prefer to defer that responsibility to our men in our personal ones.

As for your comment about woodworkers and CEO’s, I like power brokers just as much as men that love to work with their hands. Both have much to offer women and I hope you do not judge these men as dead ends just because you only see them in the work setting. Many times what they do and say at work is just as programmed as what we may do, something that has been dictated by society and company policy. These men may truly be aggressive outside of work, but fear the reprisals of accusations of harassment. And yes degrees mean nothing to personality types. My ex is a perfect example of this.

I agree that if a man has a weaker will than mine, we are not going to be able to make a relationship work. I have strong will and fierce passions in all my areas of life and I will need a man that is just that strong to help control them. A relationship with me is not going to be a completely peaceful one, but if the right man comes along, it is possible. How do we find men like this? I haven’t the foggiest idea. If you discover the secret, please share it. The men aren’t telling….

Libby

Mike, I am sorry about your relationships. It sounds somewhat like my own in the recent past. In my field, I can be more mobile in selecting places to work. I am always looking at new and different places to do so and many times work as a traveler to satisfy my curiosity. I have always understood that it is very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship, but sometimes it is necessary in order to find love. My last one lived in Louisiana and we were 14 hours apart. We did quite well with emails and phone calls, but as it progressed I had made the decision if he wished to further things, I would find work closer to him. It was something we had discussed on the onset to set up rules for our relationship and being closer to each other was one of them. It was far simpler for me to move than he, so I had agreed to think about it. Needless to say, that relationship ended when someone I thought was a friend ruined it. But it has not yet stopped me from looking. I do not know how long you have been searching, but I have just really started so I cannot say I know what you are feeling or thinking. I just hate seeing someone as young as you give up so early in your life.

Warmest regards

Libby