Many couples find themselves often considering the nature of consensual non-consent in Taken In Hand dynamics and its impact on their relationship. Of course there is always the concern about abuse and its consequences. Often we see discussions about the reluctance of the disciplinarian to engage secondary to fears of legal retribution from their partner. This will not be my focus. If any of these kinds of fears or concerns are present, the necessary foundation of trust has not been developed for the kind of discussion I am about to embark upon, and Taken In Hand dynamics should not be used as a connective sexuality by any such couple.
The question of consensual non-consent comes up frequently in Taken In Hand discussions for two reasons, first, we all seek power and control. It is a natural thing for humans to want and need control over the many aspects of their lives. In many cases its enticement is more powerful than riches. Second, we all seek connection, deep intimate connections with at least one significant other human being. Most of what I say will be from a personal and a female point of view in a heterosexual relationship.
Submission being a common theme of Taken In Hand, it is hard for some to understand that we might actually want or need control in our lives, but it is evidenced in the very nature of our relationships. Women are the most common half of the couple to bring this to the forefront of discussion in their relationships, getting what they want to meet their needs and allowing them to flourish. Guiding their husbands down the domestic discipline track, so to speak. Once we have agreement about the structure of using discipline as a relationship dynamic we are then set to give consent.
The relationship between consent and the control we exercise is important in understanding consensual non-consent. We must have control to give up in the first place in order for this particular dynamic to occur. Consensual non-consent is about the man taking away the control the woman exercises, although temporary, in order to stabilize the relationship.
Once consent has been given and control is present the conditions for consensual non-consent can take place. At the foundation of non-consent is the taking away of control. In trying to understand the nature of why this non-consent is so powerful to me and other women—and I suppose to men also—I have put together a few ideas that make sense to me. Some of these ideas, I have gathered from personal experience, and others have shared their experiences with me. It is a collection of thoughts. Please understand that this is occurring during a discipline session for disruption of our relationship in some way. The goal of our discipline is reconnection not punishment. We believe behavior changes when we are recommitted to each other, not because of severity of punishment.
Consensual non-consent is a necessary step to deep intimacy for those of us who practice domestic discipline. It is a taking away of control that I am holding on to. My response to that loss of control is a positive surrender of all my resistance to the deepest level of intimacy. When that control is out of my hands I am at a place of total openness, amazing things can occur when this happens within the bounds of a loving, trusting relationship. The doors swing wide open, the resistance to everything between us just evaporates. My need for him is immense, and I go to him with an open mind and heart. After all, he has just taken me to a place that is highly risky, but has chosen to protect and care for me, not injure and hurt me. How can I not respond positively to a man who has my life and mind literally in his hands and chooses to keep me safe and protected because he cherishes me and what we share together? My response is deep and abiding love that binds us as nothing else can.
Another idea about the attraction of consensual non-consent that I have learned concerns the husband and his goals. When a breakdown occurs in a relationship neither member of the couple want the other to withdraw with anger and hurt. They both want resolution that meets the needs of each of them, but it is a difficult time. Resistance is high and feelings are angry or hurt, so it is hard to express the fact that we actually want our husbands to engage with us and participate rather than withdraw. A lot of the time we are actively resisting his attempts at resolution with our often very effective verbal skills, perhaps subconsciously afraid he will simply leave or go hide away choosing not to engage with us. At the same time we are fully ready to resist any attempts he makes to stop the confrontation by taking us in hand.
In healthy loving relationships where consent has been given and the husband knows he has the responsibility to protect the relationship, this is where consensual non-consent comes into play. We are in no mood to accept this from him, but he is in the mood to give it and he does. The fact is we want it. It's what we hunger for, and most describe a deep thrilling response to the husband who will insert himself into the relationship in a powerful manner, taking us, some of us forcefully, in hand, thus cementing his commitment to protect what they both cherish. As a woman, I love this kind of expression in my partner, that he is that involved and committed to what we have. I like it that he will fight for it, I find that very erotic.
An example of just how this control is taken might help here. So let me share this.
Some women associate this with a physical fight to one degree or another. It need not be at all. My partner never wrestles me over his knee. it is just not acceptable. So how does he take control when it seems I have already given it? Once he has decided to discipline me, I am expected to do as he tells me. He will not let me get away with anything if I do not follow his directions exactly. When he asks for my hand, I had better give it to him.
Once when over his knee he asked for my hand. I like to keep it as a form of control, to move away or to manipulate the spanking. I did not want to give it to him, so I kind of whined and said noooooo. He did not argue at all, not a word. He simply reached for a really nasty paddle and applied it soundly to my bared bottom in three or four hard smacks. I gave him my hand immediately without any further argument or whining. I knew he was in control.
If I put my other hand back over my bottom during the spanking, he starts the spanking over. In the corner I am to follow his directions, if I do not, I get spanked standing in the corner, and if I keep it up, I will find myself over his knee again for another spanking. It is quite powerful. If I am sassy, he deals with it too. I can feel the resistance to his gaining control slipping away, I do begin to yield to his authority. That is when we are able to reconnect, not before. He will not back down. If he did, I would be sorely disappointed. Do I resist on purpose? No, not really. Most of any resistance I have is pretty real in that it is how I feel—defiant or pissed off or feeling it is unfair. I need to get rid of this before I can really reconnect to him again and we can communicate. He knows this, thank goodness. What patience!!
Last but no less powerful is the erotic nature of all of this.
I cannot deny it. Connection and intimacy between a loving couple is by nature erotic. I am thrilled just thinking about him taking control away from me, and when it comes time for him to do it, I do not actually think about it a great deal because I am busy trying to keep it, but I know I want it to happen. If it did not, I would be disappointed. My journey would not be complete. When people speak of the responsibility of the head of household I think it is this, not so much when to spank or how to spank, but how to reach a place where the resistance to intimacy is removed and the couple make the connection that binds.
Consensual non-consent is the pathway to the deepest form of intimacy. For the husband it expresses his commitment to protection and care of the relationship that is shared between a couple, for the wife it allows the removal of all resistance to intimacy and allows bonding at its deepest level.
Have you seen the following articles?
When rape is a gift
Is there consent?
Don't tell anyone I'm here!
Don't forget your whip
He who dares, wins
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
Liberated through submission
The alpha male and masculine power
The importance of making myself available
How I became submissive
What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not
Who says you have to be submissive?