The nature and effects of consensual non-consent

Many couples find themselves often considering the nature of consensual non-consent in Taken In Hand dynamics and its impact on their relationship. Of course there is always the concern about abuse and its consequences. Often we see discussions about the reluctance of the disciplinarian to engage secondary to fears of legal retribution from their partner. This will not be my focus. If any of these kinds of fears or concerns are present, the necessary foundation of trust has not been developed for the kind of discussion I am about to embark upon, and Taken In Hand dynamics should not be used as a connective sexuality by any such couple.

The question of consensual non-consent comes up frequently in Taken In Hand discussions for two reasons, first, we all seek power and control. It is a natural thing for humans to want and need control over the many aspects of their lives. In many cases its enticement is more powerful than riches. Second, we all seek connection, deep intimate connections with at least one significant other human being. Most of what I say will be from a personal and a female point of view in a heterosexual relationship.

Submission being a common theme of Taken In Hand, it is hard for some to understand that we might actually want or need control in our lives, but it is evidenced in the very nature of our relationships. Women are the most common half of the couple to bring this to the forefront of discussion in their relationships, getting what they want to meet their needs and allowing them to flourish. Guiding their husbands down the domestic discipline track, so to speak. Once we have agreement about the structure of using discipline as a relationship dynamic we are then set to give consent.

The relationship between consent and the control we exercise is important in understanding consensual non-consent. We must have control to give up in the first place in order for this particular dynamic to occur. Consensual non-consent is about the man taking away the control the woman exercises, although temporary, in order to stabilize the relationship.

Once consent has been given and control is present the conditions for consensual non-consent can take place. At the foundation of non-consent is the taking away of control. In trying to understand the nature of why this non-consent is so powerful to me and other women—and I suppose to men also—I have put together a few ideas that make sense to me.  Some of these ideas, I have gathered from personal experience, and others have shared their experiences with me. It is a collection of thoughts. Please understand that this is occurring during a discipline session for disruption of our relationship in some way. The goal of our discipline is reconnection not punishment. We believe behavior changes when we are recommitted to each other, not because of severity of punishment.

Consensual non-consent is a necessary step to deep intimacy for those of us who practice domestic discipline. It is a taking away of control that I am holding on to. My response to that loss of control is a positive surrender of all my resistance to the deepest level of intimacy. When that control is out of my hands I am at a place of total openness, amazing things can occur when this happens within the bounds of a loving, trusting relationship. The doors swing wide open, the resistance to everything between us just evaporates. My need for him is immense, and I go to him with an open mind and heart. After all, he has just taken me to a place that is highly risky, but has chosen to protect and care for me, not injure and hurt me. How can I not respond positively to a man who has my life and mind literally in his hands and chooses to keep me safe and protected because he cherishes me and what we share together? My response is deep and abiding love that binds us as nothing else can.  

Another idea about the attraction of consensual non-consent that I have learned concerns the husband and his goals. When a breakdown occurs in a relationship neither member of the couple want the other to withdraw with anger and hurt. They both want resolution that meets the needs of each of them, but it is a difficult time. Resistance is high and feelings are angry or hurt, so it is hard to express the fact that we actually want our husbands to engage with us and participate rather than withdraw. A lot of the time we are actively resisting his attempts at resolution with our often very effective verbal skills, perhaps subconsciously afraid he will simply leave or go hide away choosing not to engage with us. At the same time we are fully ready to resist any attempts he makes to stop the confrontation by taking us in hand.

In healthy loving relationships where consent has been given and the husband knows he has the responsibility to protect the relationship, this is where consensual non-consent comes into play. We are in no mood to accept this from him, but he is in the mood to give it and he does. The fact is we want it. It's what we hunger for, and most describe a deep thrilling response to the husband who will insert himself into the relationship in a powerful manner, taking us, some of us forcefully, in hand, thus cementing his commitment to protect what they both cherish. As a woman, I love this kind of expression in my partner, that he is that involved and committed to what we have. I like it that he will fight for it, I find that very erotic.

An example of just how this control is taken might help here. So let me share this.

Some women associate this with a physical fight to one degree or another. It need not be at all. My partner never wrestles me over his knee. it is just not acceptable. So how does he take control when it seems I have already given it? Once he has decided to discipline me, I am expected to do as he tells me. He will not let me get away with anything if I do not follow his directions exactly. When he asks for my hand, I had better give it to him. 

Once when over his knee he asked for my hand. I like to keep it as a form of control, to move away or to manipulate the spanking. I did not want to give it to him, so I kind of whined and said noooooo. He did not argue at all, not a word. He simply reached for a really nasty paddle and applied it soundly to my bared bottom in three or four hard smacks. I gave him my hand immediately without any further argument or whining. I knew he was in control.

If I put my other hand back over my bottom during the spanking, he starts the spanking over. In the corner I am to follow his directions, if I do not, I get spanked standing in the corner, and if I keep it up, I will find myself over his knee again for another spanking. It is quite powerful. If I am sassy, he deals with it too. I can feel the resistance to his gaining control slipping away, I do begin to yield to his authority. That is when we are able to reconnect, not before. He will not back down. If he did, I would be sorely disappointed. Do I resist on purpose? No, not really. Most of any resistance I have is pretty real in that it is how I feel—defiant or pissed off or feeling it is unfair. I need to get rid of this before I can really reconnect to him again and we can communicate. He knows this, thank goodness. What patience!!

Last but no less powerful is the erotic nature of all of this.

I cannot deny it. Connection and intimacy between a loving couple is by nature erotic. I am thrilled just thinking about him taking control away from me, and when it comes time for him to do it, I do not actually think about it a great deal because I am busy trying to keep it, but I know I want it to happen. If it did not, I would be disappointed. My journey would not be complete. When people speak of the responsibility of the head of household I think it is this, not so much when to spank or how to spank, but how to reach a place where the resistance to intimacy is removed and the couple make the connection that binds.

Consensual non-consent is the pathway to the deepest form of intimacy. For the husband it expresses his commitment to protection and care of the relationship that is shared between a couple, for the wife it allows the removal of all resistance to intimacy and allows bonding at its deepest level.

Annie

Take the Taken In Hand tour


Have you seen the following articles?
When rape is a gift
Is there consent?
Don't tell anyone I'm here!
Don't forget your whip
He who dares, wins
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
Liberated through submission
The alpha male and masculine power
The importance of making myself available
How I became submissive
What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not
Who says you have to be submissive?

Comments

It's not for everyone

Consensual nonconsent maybe works for you, but it's a mistake to say it's the pathway to the deepest form of intimacy. What does that make people who don't practice it? Not truly intimate? All you can say about it is that it works for you and that's how you feel about it. Blanket statements can make it sound like the rest of the world is wrong.

With all due respect...that's nonsense.

Beautiful and true

Lovely article, Annie. This is the kind of article a woman can give to her husband to help him understand what she needs.

Melanie

Consensual Non-Consent

Thank you Melanie, I am glad you can relate.

As to the comment from the anonymous poster, I understand how you might feel this is a blanket statement, and it was not my intent for it to be such. Often people, will say in their humble opinion or for them... I try to avoid this. I wrote the article, so I assume readers will understand it is from my point of view. I hope you will understand. Obviously individuals will see things differently. That said, the nature of being "Taken in Hand," does leave a very vivid impression of consensual non-consent. I am sure many couples find deep intimacy without even using discipline dynamics at all, but in the context of being taken in hand and the definition I used to describe consensual non-consent "Consensual non-consent is about the man taking away the control the woman exercises, although temporary, in order to stabilize the relationship," I did think most readers here would relate to this concept fairly easily. I totally understand if you do not.

Annie

Consent or Non Consent?

Consensual nonconsent maybe works for you, but it's a mistake to say it's the pathway to the deepest form of intimacy.

Interesting judgment. Annie's article very much appears to be a continuing discussion of two pieces written by the boss on this site. Why is it a mistake to say that for couples who actively and intentionally choose this kind of relationship described here that consensual non consent is a pathway to the deepest intimacy?

What does that make people who don't practice it? Not truly intimate?

Nope. Annie says no such thing. She says, and I quote directly,

Consensual non-consent is a necessary step to deep intimacy for those of us who practice domestic discipline.

This references fairly common language used on this web site and general DD discussions with particualr reference to the above mentioned articles written by the boss. If you are not interested in a DD relationship, I certainly understand why you could not wrap your mind around what for many of us is a propfound idea. If you are into your own version of 'discipline' but have a different approach, different ideas, different language, different whatever, why don't you express your own views or your own experience, as Annie does, instead of relying on comments such as:

All you can say about it is that it works for you and that's how you feel about it. Blanket statements can make it sound like the rest of the world is wrong.

Where is your substance? Annie was relating her own experience and what she understands as the experience of a number of other women. Annie writes (and again I quote directly from her article):

In trying to understand the nature of why this non-consent is so powerful to me and other women—and I suppose to men also—I have put together a few ideas that make sense to me. Some of these ideas, I have gathered from personal experience, and others have shared their experiences with me. It is a collection of thoughts.

Please explain what it is about this clear caveat that is unclear in your mind that Annie is relating her own experience and her own understanding of what other women have shared with her? What is it about this caveat that in your mind constitutes a 'blanket statement' that anything other than 'consensual non consent' is wrong?

I have stated clearly and concisely why I feel your statement about Annie's post is far on the left side of being reasonable. In my opinion, you should either explain yourself reasonably, intelligently and in an articulate way or your message should be withdrawn. I believe this is a striking example of reasonable discourse being cluttered with inane nonsense and judgmental non discussion. I further believe this utter nonsense should be disallowed in favor of intelligent and reasoned discourse.

Frank Nelson

Very insightful article!

Thanks Annie for the very insightful article. I would agree that much of what you say is true for my husband and myself. For us, discipline spankings are very connecting and it is because of the control dynamic that happens for us. At the core of it all is his willingness to act, even when it seems that I do not want him to. Really I would be disappointed if he did not act. I have given my husband blanket consent to act as he thinks he needs to. I understand how this could make some people uneasy, but it works well for us. I disagree with the anonymous poster who said that this was a blanket statement for all. I understood it as: this something that works for some people. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

Take care,
Tevemer

Wise Men Act

At the beginning of a relationship, woman gives man certain permissions on which they expect him to act. If those the man fails to act on those permissions—which are often implicit rather than explicit —she will withdraw them until what once was admiration and anticipation becomes indifferences, and even loathing and hate.