I have been with my partner for just under a year. We met about six months before that. From the outset, our relationship has echoed the philosophies of this site. I'm not so sure that my partner is at all the type of guy I would have expected to have such a dominant streak!
I have known that this is the type of relationship I want for many years and have actively looked for an alpha male to dominate me. Like so many who post here, I'm generally an independent, strong-willed and strong woman. In my personal life however, I'm so bored with that and I want to be his in the traditional sense. I don't really have any fight left and I don't see fighting as a good thing in my personal life; obeying feels so much more comforting, safe and calming and as such I now have an overwhelming sense of my own wellbeing.
In the past, I have found myself going out with a never ending line of men who would consider themselves alpha. Invariably tall, testosterone-filled, somewhat aggressive types... yes, over and over, I made the same mistake, taking physical strength for emotional strength. And do you know what? I think that those big tough guys were quite emotionally weak, they had never had to use their emotional intelligence to win through, everyone had always given them their way in response to what can only truly be described as bullying.
So, imagine my surprise when I met and fell for my current partner, Lewis. He's the same height as I, and very quiet and gentle. Not a hint of testosterone madness about him!
We met through an internet dating site. He lived quite close by and we met up a few times for drinks and meals. I then met another alpha guy, all 6'6" of him! I had a rather horrid time with that one for about three months, eventually realizing that I had hooked up with yet another emotional bully—actually “emotional sadist” might be a more accurate term for him. Fortunately, a few days after I finally saw the light, Lewis just happened to be on line showing up in my Messenger box. We got chatting again, met up a few times and then after a particularly horrid day for me, he dropped this into our chat (yes, I saved the conversation!) “I've been thinking a lot about you recently and I've come to the conclusion that I want to make you happy. I think you need to be protected and I'd very much like to do that if you'll accept that is what you need from me.”
It stopped me in my tracks. I'd never really allowed myself to need somebody before or to truly lean on someone and be dependant and yet a voice in my head was screaming for me to let him know that was what I really truly wanted. I didn't manage it very well though, I replied that I'm not sure that I have very much to give right now. Fortunately, he responded that he wasn't after me giving anything! I needed to learn to accept first! And so our relationship began to blossom.
Lewis is not at all dominating and yet I find myself deferring to him, seeking his advice and taking it pretty much without question. I defer to him because he earns it rather than because he demands it. From the outset, I have found that he simply takes control. We have never agreed to this as such, it just happened for us and I have to say it is absolutely lovely and I feel so very safe and secure under his control and protection. I think I am probably one of a very large community when I say that what I need protecting from most of all in my life is ME—my own self-destruct buttons. Lewis does that for me in a firm and loving way. There is no micromanagement in our relationship, just a leader and his second in command, who loves him and respects him and most of all trusts him to do what is best for us.
We have had our arguments, but he doesn't shout and rant, nor does he do anything at all bullying, he just sits me down and makes me listen to him and then makes me think out whatever it is I am feeling about the subject. He doesn't expect me not to have an opinion and indeed doesn't expect me to agree with his. All he expects is that I respect his position, and in turn he respects mine, and that having recognized a problem, I will work with him on the solution we agree together, always so far a solution he comes up with (he's a good problem solver too!). We both know that when it comes down to it the ultimate decision making powers are his and that I will follow his lead, having voiced any concerns I might have and knowing that he will have listened.