The man needs to be the pursuer

I believe it takes a great deal of discernment when a woman desires a Taken In Hand relationship. I'm a very strong woman who will never settle for anything less than a very strong man. However, I'm convinced that the kind of relationship that I desire is only to be had if I am found by the right man, not if I am initiating the finding.

If a man doesn't possess the drive to pursue, woo, and win me, then he's not for me. If women want to meet alpha males, they need to position themselves in the natural habitat of alpha males. My analogy is the same for recognizing counterfeit money. If you were working in a bank, you would not be trained to recognize counterfeit money by handling the counterfeit, it would be by the constant contact with what's real and true. Spend your time in an environment where traditional men are found and you'll recognize the genuine article. Make character a higher priority than money, looks, jobs and cars, which are all transitory.

So many times, women complain that they want a real man, but they have an intolerance for the behavior of real men and reject the whole package. When talking to men, I throw out bread crumbs along the trail. If they pick up on them, I throw out more. If they fail to see the trail, I move on.

I have found on dating sites that the best way to meet the type of men that I wish is to wait for them to approach me at all times. If a man doesn't take the initiative to contact me, then there will always be something lacking later on. Reading his profile and saving him to my favorites has been more than sufficient to indicate a possible interest for the right man. For the rest, I'm thankful not to have wasted my time, no matter how attractive I may find them.

A light gesture such as a hand at the small of my back to lead me across a room is something I find most attractive. Going dancing is so very telling as well. If a man can take care of you while out dancing, leading and guiding you around the dance floor, protecting you from unwanted attention, and feeling the way he moves in rhythm with you, that is a great indicator to me.

There are many red flags for women to observe when they first meet men, but unfortunately, the desire to be coupled can blind women to their intuition. Always trust your inner voice. Leading and protecting are entirely different from controlling and imposing. Does he respect your opinion, your desires, wants, and wishes without caving in to them, or is he annoyed, angry, or resentful for no reason?

Women often make the mistake of behaving badly themselves and should be taken in hand, but at the outset of a relationship they should not excuse men for bad behavior, reasoning away actions because of external circumstances. If you wouldn't tolerate such actions from a child, there is no excuse for a man not to exercise self-control. A man who has not mastered himself will never be able to master a woman.

Sonja

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On being the servant-leader in my relationship
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Tradition, feminism, Victoria and Albert
Is he head of the household?
Now I want my husband all the time
Getting To "I Do", by Patricia Allen: a book review

2010 Jan 5 - 22:04 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Well Said

Very well written and explained, there is nothing that I could add to further validate your comment

well said.

by irishjim on 2010 Jan 6 - 01:49 | reply to this comment

My thoughts exactly...

Sonja,

You've made great points and I agree completely, in theory. I too am a very strong woman who will only settle for an even stronger man. I think this topic could go on forever!

I have never in my life asked a man out for a date. In the world of online dating, I even hesitate to send the first email - though I will "wink" or make it obvious that I viewed his profile...and then I force myself to wait for him to do something. It would just feel fundamentally wrong to me to make the first move, he is the hunter and the chaser...not me!

If I want to find a man who is a leader, it seems logical that I need to sit back and be led, even in those subtle ways at the beginning. I need to let him ask for our dates, I need to let him choose what and where we meet, I need to let him open doors...and I love all of it.

And when that happens, when I am pursued by a man, it feels lovely. I feel cared for and special and I get to step back and be feminine.

I am often teased by friends for being far too picky, for too often "passing by," a great possibility who is interested in me.

But, my friends have no idea of my Taken in Hand needs and so don't realise that it isn't often that I come across a man who exhibits those traits...often, those "great possiblities" my friends see hold no interest to me because they just don't seem like Taken in Hand men.

However, my problem is that on those rare occasions when I come across a man who not only seems like a Taken in Hand man, but is also a man I'm attracted to...I find it difficult to sit back and wait!

Whilst I wouldn't make the first move, I've been guilty of seeming too eager early on, of initiating too many conversations, suggesting third or fourth dates. I find myself second and third guessing his thinking, wondering if maybe he's interested in me, but has been trained by modern society to let the lady do some of the chasing.

But, if I do pursue, it feels like it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy...either he loses interest in me, perhaps because I pursued him...or I lose interest in *him* because he seems to want to be pursued.

It feels very natural to me to be led, to be pursued...but I find that strong part of me taking over when I find something I want. And that struggle inside myself makes me wonder, do Taken in Hand men have their own struggle?

The women on this site very much want a man who will lead them, a man who will be the hunter and the chaser...but in greater modern society, men are told to treat women as equals, to let them take the lead.

Some men genuinely do want women to pursue them...and they certainly aren't the men for us Taken in Hand ladies. But what about the men who desperately want to lead, but have been so conditioned by society that they don't dare?

When I pass them by, because they're waiting for me to lead, am I missing out on a wonderful man who just needs a little encouragement to be his true self? When I lose interest in a man who lets me pursue him, am I judging too quickly?

Those questions are what always drive me to pursue...I just wonder, is it really so simple to say that a true Taken in Hand man will pursue a lady he wants? Or is modern society just far too complex for there to be one answer for every situation?

Do some of our dream men need to be reassured that they're allowed to be themselves? Or, do we Taken in Hand ladies need to stand our ground and wait for a man who knows he should do the chasing?

I don't know...in the meantime, I do love the idea of the latter and I shall just try to be natural and keep waiting to be pursued...and loving it when I am ;)

londoncinderella-at-googlemail.com

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2010 Jan 7 - 12:04 | reply to this comment

The man needs to be the pursuer

I completely agree! This is excellent! Thanks for posting! You gave me some valuable information.

I prefer traditional, strong men. I was beginning to think they are a dying race!

by charlotteg on 2010 Jan 7 - 15:33 | reply to this comment

What about a Secret Handshake?

I find it interesting that we are posting and reading comments on a site that has been in existence for several years now and is read by people from around the world. This would seem to indicate that many people are interested in the idea of a Taken In Hand relationship. And yet...there seems to be great difficulty in finding those interested for the purpose of having actual Taken In Hand relationships. What if there was some simple way of acknowledging this interest (i.e. some "secret handshake, password or wearing a certain color by the third date" etc.)? Some "old school" methodology of indicating our allegiance, along with the helpful and informative information that is already being disseminated through this site would go a long way toward helping people to "see the light." Any thoughts?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2010 Jan 9 - 17:40 | reply to this comment

On the secret handshake

This made me smile! On a purely practical level you'd want to be able to identify takeninhand-minded persons long before you'd got to the handshaking stage. Ideally we'd want to pick out a colleague passing in the corridor or someone waiting for the same train, and that basically means clothing or jewellery.

I can tell you what I look for in a woman - an ankle chain is a big giveaway, a tight-fitting necklace, a string of pearls also says "inclined to be taken" to me provided they're not dangly. Bracelets can also be an indicator. Obviously there's no guarantee such a woman is actually available or looking for a man but it's a good start: you can but say "Hi" and find out. (I also find clothing which slightly hobbles a woman a big turn on, eg a pencil skirt. So, paradoxically, a mini-skirt is officially "sexy" but doesn't send the "takeninhand-inclined" message.)

Perhaps some women could post here what messages men's clothing sends to them. I suspect it's altogether less informative unfortunately.

by Marcus on 2010 Jan 15 - 16:12 | reply to this comment

The Secret Handshake

Marcus, your post nearly made me weep. I am not a traditional looking woman. I never wear jewelery or skirts, I have short(ish) hair and I like leather and studs. No I'm not into BDSM. Please, someone, tell me there are men out there who wear black jeans and leather jackets who might want a Taken-in-Hand relationship with someone who could perhaps be described as looking 'alternative'. Otherwise I may shoot myself!!!

by Polly on 2010 Jan 27 - 22:19 | reply to this comment

Pull yourself together Polly

Pull yourself together Polly - there's bound to be just the man you're looking for somewhere; tears are not required! But there is a risk that if you go around dressed like that, some are not going to think you're a woman wanting to live under the control of a man and will pass you by. Perhaps you should accessorize. I'm sure a string of pearls would go well with a leather jacket and give people who had you wrongly pigeonholed pause for thought.

by Marcus on 2010 Jan 28 - 15:22 | reply to this comment

Image fascism

LOL! Thank you for the advice. I will begin my search for a suitable string immediately – and maybe a tiara to go with it.

Visuals are clearly important here. I had failed to take on board that the emphasis on ‘traditional’ might also extend to the outer image, for some men. This may account for why some men, although clearly attracted to me, wait for me to make the first move - which I invariably do not. If a man does not have the drive and confidence to approach me then he is not the man I’m looking for. I have learned through experience that, if I have to make the move, this dynamic will be present in many other ways later on.

Surely there must be other ways I can communicate to someone that I am available to be led? What kinds of things does a Taken In Hand man do and say to test the waters when he first meets someone? What kinds of responses is he looking for? Obviously all men are different, but there will also be similarities. I would appreciate any advice on the subject.

By the way Marcus, I have no experience of Taken In Hand – maybe you can tell that from the nature of my reply – but I did feel a frisson at your stern tone. Thank you.

Polly

by Polly on 2010 Jan 29 - 14:16 | reply to this comment

To Cinderella - yes, there's

To Cinderella - yes, there's a certain amount of "holding back" that can occur. I for one am very aware of how overpowering I can be, so there's always this little voice in the background saying "tread lightly"...

I'd love to be powerful and take-charge right from the start, but that's not "me". I have to settle into it, and know that when I do take charge of her at any given point, she's going to like it, and trust me enough to go with it. First date is not a place where I know that's going to be welcome.

It would be nice if there was some way to cut through the socially acceptable garbage, and really start to get to know each other right away. Only, that leaves you both so very vulnerable...

And Polly - yes, unfortunate as it is, sometimes appearance can be important. It can also be deceiving. A lot of people dress a certain way as a reaction to something in their lives - some people who feel vulnerable will dress in a way that screams "POWERFUL" for example. I'm not suggesting that you're one of them, but bear in mind that how we dress does say a lot about us. The problem is, 99% of men are crap at reading signs, or body language.

by Silverback on 2010 Feb 8 - 18:46 | reply to this comment

I agree!

I would expect a man to pursue me rather than me have to chasing him otherwise, yes, I do think it could be the same in the future with other decisions too.

by SGirl on 2010 Feb 9 - 04:23 | reply to this comment

Pursure- I need to stop

I just came across this blog and I am so happy I did. I was in a 9yr relationship that ended a year and a half ago. I stayed completely alone & single from then until I was contacted by this guy who has pursued me for 3 years. He always wanted to see me and I always turned him down. In November 2009, he contacted me again and we started talking for awhile before going on a date. We went on a date and started seeing each other very often. However, I notice I am the one calling, texting, initiating spending time together. I realize that when a man pursues me and we start spending time together and he pulls away a little, I start to pursue him. It's like I am running after him to bring him back, just so he can pursue me again. Then when he comes back and gives me the attention that I want from him, I take small steps back and as soon as he starts again, I start pursue again.. It's freaking exhausting. I like a strong man who is confident, action taker, who has chilvary, who is protective, one who is a leader. Now, with this guy, he takes so long to initiate, he takes baby steps that I somehow thinks that he's pursuing other women while I am pursuing him. I've decided to just leave him alone, but I need to learn from this situation now that I know I am a pursuer, which I don't want to be. It's hard when you feel that connection with someone and then this power control steps and causes a problem... I just don't want to repeat this mistake again. I am trying to stop this from occuring in the future..

by syn on 2010 Mar 22 - 04:04 | reply to this comment

Lack of Trust

I never trusted any woman in my entire life.

Could this be the key problem with your encounters with men?

The Ninth McCleod

by NinthMcCleod on 2010 Apr 29 - 21:13 | reply to this comment

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