The healing power of taking her in hand

Looking back on my time with the woman I love, I'd have to say our discipline comes down to being ultimately about changing the way we relate to each other. I think we all can react sometimes instead of responding the way in saner, calmer moments we would agree is more reasonable. However, we get used to a certain way of relating to an intimate partner, and that way is really easy to get back into if we don't make a conscious effort to change it. The effect of poor communication on a relationship will eventually erode the relationship.

Once, when I wasn't paying attention, I sat on my girlfriend's glasses and bent the frames. She said that these poor frames were bent beyond repair and she was trying to have me believe she would need to go through life blind from then on. The truth is that I did bend her glasses frame, a mistake of some carelessness, but after some time I did respond by stating (rather decisively I might add) that we were not going to continue to relate over such issues in this matter. She calmed down immediately. The glasses were eventually repaired free of charge at the local and very friendly Fred Meyer Optometrist.

Truth is, before this relationship, I likely would have been overpowered by a woman who was in such a state, would have had no real choice except to “fight back” or just leave. It is easy to see how this way of relating would diminish a relationship and diminish both individuals over time. I think, for us, that discipline isn't really about the guilt thing, the “making her a better person” (she's wonderful the way she is), and she really doesn't engage in individually harmful behavior. She certainly would not even consider anything that would harm others.

We use discipline as our way of choosing how we're going to relate instead of allowing our random, often unconscious and sometimes harmful interactions to determine how we relate over time.

Frank Nelson

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i am glad to see this site it makes me happy to know that thier are others that think like i do i am a 27 yr old submissive woman. i enjoy my life and can't stand the other sites that say that the way we live is wrong

Frank, I find your article qu

Frank, I find your article quite refreshing and felt the need to comment.

While issues of discipline may have their appeal (individual tastes do vary here), your article seems to address a more fundamental point about how we relate to our spouse in a relationship. Being the head of household, setting the rules, having those rules be directed to the support and betterment of one's spouse, supportive follow through via discipline, etc., are all quite intriguing. But perhaps more important is what you have identified. Clear, direct communication about HOW interactions are going to occur in a relationship strikes me as possibly the more important aspect than head of the household followed by discipline. I'm not saying the latter has no place, but merely that without the former, the latter might lead to even further problems in the relationship.

Having recently begun following some of the Taken In Hand philosophies, but not yet engaging in discipline, I'm finding the changed interaction with my wife to be rather profound. In the past, I tended to have a short fuse which led to snapping at my wife in an obviously less than productive manner. And, not surprisingly and given my wife's personality, her reaction to my quick, harsh reactions was equally unhelpful (e.g., she became quite defensive). Now, I am working hard to keep myself under control and first assess a situation before reacting to it. This allows me time to decide whether it's really something troublesome and, further, how best to deal with it. That, combined with my focus on the positive things about my wife (of which there are many, I should add) and our relationship (ditto), has resulted in a complete transformation in our relationship. My wife has been talking about the "new me" and how "there's a new man in my life," etc. Clearly she is equally enjoying the change.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that by taking control, in a positive manner, of the way in which we interact has eliminated much of the friction, distancing and disagreements in our relationship. This is probably akin to the discussions in other postings regarding eliminating or not putting up with disrespectful interactions with or from one's spouse. By working to ensure our interactions are always respectful and positive (even if addressing something that is, itself, something not positive, e.g., something needing improvement) our relationship stays respectful and positive. I guess one could say that our respectful and positive interactions continue to build the relationship rather than tear it down. My wife no longer feels constantly criticized. I no longer feel a lack of control in the situation nor that I'm at odds with my wife. We both feel much closer to and much more supportive of each other.

Thanks again, Frank, for your posting and I look forward to yours as well as others further comments on this subject.

To the Taken In Hand Reader 2 23 06

Your reply to Frank could have been written by my husband. He is always in control of himself and how he reacts to me. When we were first married, discipline was regularly necessary for me to 'get with the program', but today, it rarely is. He simply will remind me that we aren't going to speak to one another in a certain manner and I remember what is really important—each other and our marriage.