I finally did it.
My first post on this site was almost four years ago. At the time, I asked the central question for my Taken in Hand relationship with my wife: "How can I be sure that she wants to be taken in hand in light of the fact that she won't say it?".
Well, the answer to that question is that I could only know by taking small steps over a long period, and verifying at each step that our relationship was still strong (not by asking her directly, but by watching and listening in general).
Others may find it easy to move more swiftly, but I did not. And in our case, time is relative. We had been married for twenty-two (now twenty-six) years, so taking four years to do things right wasn't all that unreasonable.
All along the way, she kept saying "no". She continually resisted—and yet, she told me at some point after each step that she loved me, that I had done the right thing.
And she complained louder when I didn't.
For her, the point was that I not take "no" for an answer—that I lead without her telling me what to do.
Today (Thursday) was a milestone for us. For the first time, I punished her with a hard spanking, beyond her breaking point.
Before today, I had lightly spanked her many times as a playful thing. I had also spanked her several times to the point of her saying "no".
I had even spanked her in anger occasionally ("occasionally" meaning, twice in four years).
What I had not done, before today, was to spank her to the point of breaking her—to the point of submission—to the point of obedience. I had also never spanked her in order to gain her compliance with something that she did not want to do.
Most of the time over the past four years, she has obeyed me when I have told her to do something that she didn't want to do. And on the few occasions when she steadfastly refused, I acquiesced. I previously wasn't ready to compel her, if compelling her required me to spank her.
Today, I was ready. My discussions with you on this site were a big part of the reason. In addition, I had taken all of those small steps over time, and she had confirmed to me that she loved me and that I was doing what she needed—even if she could not admit that she wanted it.
The other thing—the tipping point that made it possible for me to take the last step—was that I needed her to do something for me. I've been going through a rough time in my career lately and I need her unqualified emotional support. Right now, I need her to give me more than she is usually willing to give.
This morning, when I told her what I needed (no, not what you might expect, something else) she stalled. She distracted me. She said "It's 6am, I can't do that right now." Of course, she's been saying the same thing at all times of the day, and I reminded her of that.
We argued. Eventually, she said, "What really bugs me is that you argue with me and take so long at it. If you would just get it over with, I could deal with it!" And yet, she still refused.
What I needed from her was something that I could not "force" on her. I needed her active participation. Normally, I would scold her, she would cry, we would make up, and then she would comply. But this time, I took the final step.
I ordered her to turn over, face down. She did, without resistance. That surprised me, since she clearly knew what I was about to do.
I told her to give me her opposite hand under the pillow above her head. She did, hesitating only a moment. I held it firm.
I spanked her, hard, with my bare hand on her bare skin.
For a while, she took it, probably thinking (hoping) that it would be over quickly.
After a while, she squirmed and resisted. I restrained her with my body and continued to spank as hard as I could.
When I didn't yet have her compliance, I moved down to her legs and spanked them too.
She cried out. She used our old "safe word". I kept going.
A few spanks later, she bucked and twisted and yelled, "That's enough! I can't take anymore! I can't take this right now!"
I kept going.
She broke down and cried and resisted as hard as she could.
I kept going.
She went past "that point" and lost all emotional control, bawling like a little girl.
I kept going, a bit more, to punish her for her resistance and disobedience. I made sure that it hurt more than enough, more than just a "fair trade". I made sure that she knew that the spanking would end only when I decided to end it.
Then I stopped.
She turned away from me. I put my arms around her, holding her. She didn't try to leave. In fact, she snuggled into me.
After less than a minute of intense crying, she calmed down a little and I told her to turn back to me, which she did. I asked her, "Do you love me?"
She said, "Of course I do."
I asked, "Do you forgive me?"
She said, "I will after a while."
I pressed, "Do you forgive me right now?"
The last little bit of resistance passed from her. She smiled and begrudgingly admitted that she didn't need to forgive me, that I had done the right thing, that she felt good about it.
She cried for a while longer and then gave me what I needed, fully and without reservation. I then told her to call in sick and spend the day with me, which she did.
We made love. The whole time, I made her express how she felt about being taken in hand (not with those words, she does not know about this website). I reminded her that I am stronger—both physically and emotionally—than she is. In short, I "rubbed it in". That seemed to excite her more than anything else.
I pleasured her until she embarrassed herself, screaming the way she absolutely hates to scream—and I took pleasure in doing it to her. I also took my usual pleasure from taking her.
Afterward, I told her that I now, finally, understand.
From now on, I think I will be able to spank her when she needs to be spanked. I'll see to it that she occasionally regrets ever "asking" me to Take her in Hand, but I know full well that those regrets will be fleeting.
As I told her just before I came downstairs to write this, things are going to be different from now on.
I still do not accept that a husband has a right to do this to his wife. But I do accept that it is what she wants and needs. And I am beginning to accept that I really am allowed to enjoy it.
There is no greater pleasure in this world than what I experienced this morning.
Thank you—all of you—for helping me find my way to this wonderful place.