The committed marriage

I love The Committed Marriage, by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis! Rebbetzin Jungreis's teachings regarding how to find and maintain a loving, harmonious relationship are based on Jewish biblical wisdom, but I think that anyone could benefit by reading this book.

The book is almost like a handbook for building a better marriage and it has helped mine immensely. I have recommended it to friends and am currently reading it for the third time.

Within the pages are stories about couples in distress; we read about various situations and how they were resolved using the wisdom of the Torah and Biblical sages.

Rebbetzin Jungreis also relates stories of her long and wonderful marriage to Rebbe Jungreis, offering us insights into how to be a more considerate, loving, kind partner to our spouse. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to better their relationship.


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Put each other first

If people would put each other first (following biblical guidelines as this book advises) and women would not worry about the equality issues within a marriage, there would be more harmony.

Be kind to yourself as well as to your spouse

People can't put each other first ALL the time though, people have their own needs. There's nothing wrong in thinking about yourself a bit as well as the other person. A little caring for yourself is healthy.

As for 'worrying about equality' who does that? Some people prefer a more equal marriage than others, but that's a matter of personal inclination. if equality is what you want, then I suppose you are likely to worry about it more than if you don't.


Who Worries About Equality?

I would sure like to know the answer to Louise's question. Who DOES worry so much about equality? From all the dwelling on it as a "bad" thing around here, I think it is the Taken In Hand people who dwell on putting equality down.

I would suggest that people who feel unappreciated and unsupported might worry about "equality" as in getting their fair share of affection, encouragement, practical help in everyday life, etc. They might feel that the spouse gets all the benefits of the marriage and all they ever do is give.

But in a situation where people are happy with each other, whether it is a Taken In Hand marriage, an egalitarian marriage, or whatever, people are not counting beans and are not "worried about equality."



People can and do put others ahead of themselves all the time. I have witnessed that in my parents relationship my entire life.


I daresay it is possible, but I find it a somewhat daunting prospect myself. I'm not really the self-sacrificing type, and the idea of constantly putting someone else first doesn't really appeal to me. I see no reason why people shouldn't sometimes think of themselves rather than just of others. What Mrs Doyle of 'Surrendered Wife' fame refers to as 'self care'. I'm all in favour of a bit of self care myself.


Re: possible

Well, when people say "put the other first" I think they meen shift their focus in the direction of the other. I thing there is a range in this aspect, not yes-no. And pendulum shifting.


Possible indeed

What the “me first” people may not have ever experienced is that there is no self-sacrifice involved when both individuals in a relationship are putting each other first.

They both end up being the center of attention, and are able to relax and fully enjoy “love-based service” without guilt.

And they both get more than they would have as self-centered individuals, because energy given is energy multiplied (and even chocolate tastes better when it is a gift from your love).

Two as one

Over my long marriage I certainly regarded us as one in a sense. Everything was ours and shared, although there were difficulties when we divorced which sadly gives you a different perspective. I certainly think the two need to become one and the interests of the marriage as Noone put it so well above, should be the husband's primary aim if he's leading things as many of us would wish to be the case.


Sorry Hera for your sad experience. The fox explained everything about human love to the Little Prince. If we tame somebody we risk weeping when parting from him.


The Forgotten Third Party in Marriage

Despite popular notions to the contrary, marriage is a threesome. While most people understand the *he* and *she*, they tend to forget that the marriage takes on a life of its own.

One of my basic premises in Taken in Hand has been that the husband should do that which is best for the wife as well as the marriage. Otherwise, it is too easy for the whole thing to become a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship in which there is a *he* and a *she* but no *us*.

To become *one* is both deceptively simple and incredibly difficult because it requires thinking in a third and intangible dimension. It requires seeing possibilities that are not always obvious from the outside.

Mine and Yours

From the first time we laid eyes on one another, my husband has always had the attitude 'what's mine is yours and what's yours is yours'.