Stressed by arguments between my husband and myself, I searched the internet for helpful sites and advice. I'm grateful for finding Taken In Hand, and I think implemented quietly and deliberately in my own way, taking myself in hand will ease my husband's and my mental health and peace of mind.
Generally, my husband and I are mature, happy and energetic people. Generally, we would not seek marriage counselling or would either of us consult a therapist, really, for anything. However...
We can fight a lot and a few times, our arguments have nearly torn us apart. Such extreme fights leave me feeling weak, broken and
hopeless. For my husband, I think fighting leaves him feeling trapped in a marriage filled with rage, mis-trust and unpredictability.
We have a few problems, real issues, that we need to sort out. Financial-type things, with work and money. Buying a house and my pregnancy have also added stress to our lives, although of course, these are beautiful and good things we both want in our lives.
Nevertheless, somehow we let these problems boil over into something that seethes, that elicits disrespectful comments and silent treatment and makes us walk a little bit away from our relationship. I'm sorry to say that I often cause the fights, even if the problems are shared. I am a little more high-strung, a little more nervous than my husband, who usually is calm, with a trust in the future and our ability to progress.
So I want to change my behaviour in subtle ways. I don't want to fight with my husband anymore. I don't want to pick and argue where it's not necessary. While either one of us may find a situation provacative, I want to learn to let things go, to be peaceful, and generally, to let my husband guide us. My methods or preferences may be right; but his may also be right, and I have learned in this world, there are many ways to go about living. But two people who share a life and want to raise a family might be better off with one person in charge.
While I loved being in charge of my own life when I was single, I think life might be sweeter and our relationship much smoother, if ultimately, I let my husband's will prevail. He's not a demanding man anyway and has shown great respect for my intelligence and ingenuity. But when we have discussed a situation and he feels right about his course, I need to learn how to let go. And I need to let go of the small things, the minor differences in our attitudes or choices. I want him to feel in charge of his own private life and of our shared life. I may provide advice and opinion, but my Love should feel that his word will stand and that I trust he has made a conclusion logically and with our well-being first-and-foremost.
I don't know what my husband would think of Taken in Hand. I wonder if he would find it old-fashioned, or think that I wish to crush my spirit or even that I am using an alibi to load the responsibilities on him. The article, Effect positive change by acting as if... is sort of where my thinking is at. I want to behave better. I want to be a better wife to my husband and I want to find ways to get along without losing myself or alienating my husband.
I can learn my lessons and even be brought through Noone's four stages of spanking through mere conversation and stern talkings-to. I do not need to be spanked. I have been broken by argument and want never to go down that path again.
So for me, exploring Taken In Hand is personal, a journey for myself to find peace and mental well-being and to maintain and grow the love and respect my husband and I have always had for each other. Yet as personal as this journey may be, I think the results will be shared between us. I expect my husband will subconscientiously react to my new behaviour. I think he will find that his word stands and that I respect him greatly. I believe that the more I "act as if" , the more he will find that I am in in his hands.