Taking her

Taking her

There are times when I want her, and there are times when I NEED her.

There are times when she is relaxed and very available, and there are times that she is frazzled, rushed, and while available, just not in synch.

While she is always available, I try to match my mode to her current situation.

Forcefully taking her or “demanding” that she meet my needs is an approach that I try to employ to match her mode of emotional availability.

When she is in an edgy state, I approach her with great tenderness, always leaving her the option of delaying the inevitable. Yet, she knows that her responsibility to meet my need remains an unfilled event.

Properly timed and used, both approaches provide great enjoyment to both of us.

Sam

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Comments

..in theory this is working for me as well

.. and practically? what if she has reasons to say no? and my ego agrees and my demand disagrees?

Where is the key, if she rejects .. and for her sake (and as a caring dominant I look for her) it is better, to accept the rejection.

But for my ego it is difficult to get rejected. This is really one of the biggest issue I suffer from, and with this as well my beloved woman has to suffer, because of the insecurity this rejection causes inside me.

Probably all a matter of good and bad timing. *smile

Regards from Switzerland.. and by the way as this is my first posting after reading here a couple of days, this is a place where I find so many wonderful thoughts, inspirations, tips and articles... often I say, yes, that's me, that's us, that what we are, who we are, where we go. Thanks to all setting this up and sharing thoughts. Finally, sorry for my English—I'm not native speaker.

Mick

Responsibility to Meet Your Needs

"Yet, she knows that her responsibility to meet my need remains an unfilled event".

Very well put. Men like you develop the art of assessing the mood of their woman. That doesn't mean they don't insist, but it means they can do it in the best way. When I haven't felt in the mood I have not refused because that wasn't our dynamic and to please someone when you perhaps don't feel like it is even greater a gift to him in a way.

Hera

That sounds about right

Sam, it sounds like you are sensitive to Missy's mood while at the same time making it clear that she be available to you sexually. I am sure that her knowing that you are attuned to how she is feeling makes her even more agreeable to be available sexually, know what I mean?

Being agreeable

I have to say it wouldn't make me feel at all agreeable if I thought my husband didn't care whether I wanted to have sex with him or not. Do men really get pleasure out of having sex with women when they know the women really don't feel like it? I can't say I find that a very appealing thought.

You what?

What on earth are you talking about? Look, I wasn't much in the habit of refusing my husband sex before we started having a Taken In Hand relationship. Even if I didn't much feel like it myself, I would go along with it because I wanted to keep him happy. I considered that a good enough reason.
And now that I am in a Taken In Hand relationship, I find that I never feel like refusing him sex anyway, unless I am actually ill or overwhelmed by sheer physical tiredness. If I did say 'no', I don't think it would ever occur to him to try and force me to have sex, he would just assume that I wasn't up to it.

Regarding sex as a 'service' may work for some people, but it is deeply unappealing to me. When I have sex with my husband I don't feel as though I am performing a 'service' for him, I feel that we are doing something that is mutually enjoyable. Even in the days when I didn't always feel like it to start with, I usually got in the mood once he'd got me warmed up.

Sex was not an issue that came up when we discussed having a Taken In Hand relationship, it simply wasn't something that was an issue between us. Our sex life was quite satisfactory, and if my husband had suggested to me that it wasn't, I would have been very hurt and upset, because while I fully realised that there were areas of my behaviour that he considered unsatisfactory, I didn't think sex was one of them, and if he had raised it as an issue I would have been very upset indeed. It would have struck a blow to my self-confidence that would very likely have been permanent.
Furthermore, if he had felt the need to legislate about having sex whenever he felt like it, it would have made me wonder why he thought he couldn't get me in the mood for it he wanted to. What kind of man can't be bothered to get his wife interested? I find being Taken In Hand a big turn-on, and my husband can pretty well have me any time he wants (barring illness or total exhaustion, as I've said). A mna who needs to legislate for 'sex on demand' rather than just taking it for granted that he get his wife in the mood if he wants her like that, strikes me as being a man who doubts his own sexaul powers, and I don't find that particularly appealing.

My husband can make me want him any time he feels like it, what's wrong with your husband that he can't do the same?

Sex on Demand

Louise, good points. Thank you. It's good it works so well for you. You said "A man who needs to legislate for 'sex on demand' rather than just taking it for granted that he gets his wife in the mood if he wants her like that, strikes me as being a man who doubts his own sexual powers". There are some interesting issues in that.

First I haven't been with a dominant man who has actually said—here's a list of rules and one is sex on demand (although if he preferred it I wouldn't reject that). Instead it is just known or understood that part of a D/S/Taken In Hand relationship is that sex is available on demand. I've never had a conversation about it—it is just there, the unspoken dynamic. I remember problems with my ex husband (who wasn't dominant) when things were unsatisfactory—in that he waited for me to ask apparently on the basis that it should be taken as read that he always wanted sex ( and I being submissive never particularly liked to demand things... recipe for disaster (although nothing to do with the end of the long marriage)). So I agree with you on that, although some couples prefer to have things written out and specifically agreed.

Secondly for me it's arousing that someone would demand sex when I might not want it, whether he'd put me in the mood or not, although of course most reasonable men make an assessment about tiredness, illness, time etc. So I suppose taking sex from someone you haven't put in the mood in a sense is an example of dominance which of itself is arousing. Or perhaps I've just argued myself round to your position—because if that "not putting her in the mood" but tkaing her, he knows arouses her, then in a sense he has put her in the mood.... I'll shut up... Interesting stuff.

Demanding sex

I absolutely agree with you about not liking to ask, I hate that too. I never initate sex, I always leave it up to my husband, but he knows he can get me wanting it any time he likes. I don't think it's ever crossed his mind that he can't. Getting me to to tidy the kitchen and not let the children have bubble gum are subjects that cause him far more concern.

Perhaps the idea of having sex whether I want it or not isn't much of a turn-on for me because it's something I used to do fairly frequently anyway. There was a discrepancy between how often my husband wanted sex, and how often I wanted it, of about one time in three. I usually made the effort to go along with my husband and do it anyway, but it wasn't something I found a turn-on in itself, though he could usually get me in the mood once we'd started.

If sex has been an issue in your relationship then perhaps the 'sex on demand' thing makes sense, but to me the idea of having sex when you don't feel like it is something that belongs to my pre-Taken In Hand marriage, so perhaps that's why I find the idea rather unappealing. Sex hasn't been an issue between us for many years now, so it simply wasn't something that came up when we discussed Taken In Hand.

If sex on demand is something that people feel is important to them, and if they like the idea, then that's fine, but I was somewhat irritated by the assumption of the person above that if it isn't part of our relationship that means I'm not Taken In Hand. It's that 'more submissive than thou' game which I'm not interested in playing.

your comment

I agree with your comment. Why ever would a man want a womman sexually if she wasn't in the mood for sex? I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone if they weren't interested in having sex.

Getting in the mood...

My husband and I decided that we would have a sex on demand Taken In Hand relationship. I did have qualms about this, as his sex drive tends to be higher than mine. No woman should be made to have sex if it will cause her discomfort and and in a Taken In Hand relationship I don't think the head of the household should want to have sex with her! However, I do think there's a lot to be said for going along with it when you're not in the mood—there's nothing quite like sex with a man who is reminding you of his authority to make you feel like having sex!!!! LOL!!!

I was emotionally forced once

I agree Louise. I was emotionally forced once. It scarred our relationship. I think everyone (man or woman) wants to feel wanted.

I am now in a relationship with a man who shows me regularly that he wants me and it is a great turn on. Similarly, when he picked me up from the airport after a business trip and I wispered in his ear how much I 'missed' him, he told me the following day what a complete turn on that was...Yes, it's good to be wanted.

Feelings

Nothing complicated about validating someone's feelings, having them believe it OK to feel what they feel and then lead them to feel another emotion of your choice......It's called game....

Being taken

After the terrible events of yesterday I think I will be lucky if I ever get taken again, willingly or not.

Yesterday morning, our gas boiler broke down. There was no hot water, and no central heating. And (this is the terrible thing)—MY HUSBAND COULDN'T FIX IT. We had to get a MAN in to do it! (I managed, with superhuman effort, to refrain from pointing out that, in 16 years in our previous house, nothing went wrong with the boiler there, ever.) This is the first time EVER in all the years I have known my husband that he hasn't been able to fix a mechanical appliance in our house and has had to enlist outside help.

He is absolutely LIVID about this, and I don't know whether he will ever recover from the slur on his manhood; it may have rendered him permanently impotent. Only time will tell.

thanks Louise

Sorry to hear you suffered through an environmentally difficult day and glad all is better now.

Your words are very interesting and enlightening. The example of having to call in another man to fix something when your husband has been so mechanically precise is akin to when a man is lost and will not stop for directions.

The male ego, so strong yet so fragile in some regards. Not a slight to the gentlemen readers here, rather it is a matter of genetic programming. Men are coded for survival which means they must be bigger, better, stronger at achieving tasks...then the next man.

Like you, the man I am with has excellent mechanical skills. I have no reason to ever believe he can't fix anything. After reading your words, I will always be sensitive and patient to his efforts to fix and never, ever say an impatient word. Or try to lead him to a solution by suggesting he call in for help. He knows what he is doing and will know when he needs to consult. I will always be grateful he is so smart. And tell him so. And I will always appreciate his efforts to assist me and not feel that he views me as incapable of my own mechanically oriented tasks, rather he is only doing what he knows best.

Discerning the right time

Sam......Just because a woman has given her man the "right" to take her in hand and to take her sexually whenever he feels the need does not mean the man becomes a selfish prig unable to be sensitive to his woman's needs and moods at any given time. While he may make occasional errors in discerning when is the right time to take her, typically, if he truly loves her, he will be in tune with his woman and will know when it is the time to press his advantage. You describe this quite well.

Happy to be available

I can say that I can only speak for my marriage. My hubby does not really demand sex from me. Or at least he has not verbalized so. He is pretty understanding. But I am always available unless for health reasons. Frankly, it turns me on know that I should be available to him all the time. He is gracious enough to ask if I'm too tired. Although he knows that I am probably going to happily oblige anyway. He works second shift so when I go to bed I often leave a note saying I am in the mood. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on him. I have been trying to be more patient and just let him take the lead and let him initiate it.

Information, not consent

I don't say no.

But, if there's a problem or concern, I do give him information about it. I've got a health issue. I am flat-dead tired, and may fall asleep. I am not feeling our connection as strongly as I need to.

I am obligated to serve his need, regardless of any of this. But he is equally obligated to look out for my health and well-being. The information I give him allows him to make the best decisions regarding my welfare. Sometimes, when he considers my information and decides to put my comfort ahead of his need, I admit that I feel very cherished, protected, and loved.

And sometimes, after considering what I've told him, he decides to take me anyway. That's his right, and it pleases me to be the one who receives his passion.

That's how it works at our house.

Responsibility First

It's like any other position of authority. Rights accompany Responsibilities, which accompany Rights. I've never been in a position where I've had the right without the accompanying responsibility. Come to think of it, I don't believe that I would value the right if this were the situation. I want to earn the right by my attention to my responsibility.

This particular right to require the availability of my wife when I need her comes with the overall responsibility for the well-being of my wife—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Quite a heavy responsibility, isn't it? And, by my rules, this responsibility is of the higher order and comes before my right can be exercised.

Her submission and availability follow the practice—not just the theory—of this self-imposed rule.

It's sort of like a dance where I lead and she follows. Over the years, the more that she gained confidence in my ability to guide us across the dance floor, the lighter she has become in my arms.

Sam (of Sam & Missy)

always available

This is just one of the pleasant aspects of our taken in hand relationship. My husband never has to be in need of sexual satisfaction. I am always available to him. If I am overtired or ill he can see that. On those days when I am too tired to even argue he doesn't push the issue. He’ll tell me I get the night off and let me fall right to sleep. Then there are times where I am a little cranky and not in the mood. At these times he insists, usually with a bit of corporal punishment to remind me of my role as his submissive woman. The more cranky and argumentative I am the more likely he is to give the spanking and push the issue. Those are the times I really need the sexual and emotional release and those are the times I really need to be reminded of my submissive role. Experiencing his dominance in this way usually puts me in the mood or at least helps me to be less put off. If I am really cranky I will at least be sweet and willing to please after the spanking. He seems to know the difference between the days when I am really overtired and those when I am just in a cranky mood. So far I have never felt forced or coerced. Even though I have been spanked for not complying I knew it was my mood that got me into trouble not my unwillingness. If I request sweetly to have the evening off I always get the rest I need.

If he is taking leadership of me during the day I am usually in the mood at night. It really turns me on when he is dominant and on those days I am usually quite willing.

The rule is I am to be available whether I am in the mood or not. It seems like these days he gets tired more often than I do. When he is laying there too tired to be interested in me I tease him that I'm going to get the paddle out and give him a few swats if he doesn't get in the mood. This always gets a real belly laugh out of him as he thinks it is such a funny picture!

re:always available

Everything in your article is, Exactly as it is in my relationship with my husband. We agreed a few years ago that I would be willing and available for him. Only once recently, when it had been a hot sweltering day did I make a fuss. I got a really hard spanking for it the next day and then was expected to submit anyways, which I did & I Enjoyed it! This is what I agreed to and it turns me on. If there is something sick about being submissive then I guess I am sick. I do know one thing though, since we have made this agreement our marriage is stronger than a rock. I love pleasing my husband and he loves me pleasing him. I get more hugs and kisses and friendly swats on the butt then ever before! I'm Happily Available.....gemsgirl

sick?

I don't think doing what works for you makes you sick. Personally the idea of a man who didn't care that I wasn't interested in having sex doesn't sound like a man for me- but that's me. Not Sure I would agree to being available whenever to a man, anything can happen and I would want to know for sure that my feelings are being taken into account. And being spanked for not wanting sex would be a sure way to make me not want it again. But again that's me—and the great thing about all of this is none of us have to try and be the same- what works for you works for you- and its all good.

~Ambivalence~

What I am finding in my own r

What I am finding in my own relationship is now that I've decided to be sexually available to my husband at any time, when he asks if I'd like to make love and I'm not in the mood I say "Sure" or "We can". Almost everytime he waits because he knows I'm not in the mood and he wants my desire and full active participation. Increasingly, we are taking care of his needs in some other fashion if I'm not wanting to have sex right then. The interesting part for me is that when this happens, more times than not I am very ready for sex the next morning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the more I try to fill his wishes the more sensistive he is to mine.

J's Girl

What you've discovered...

To J's Girl:

What you've found is what I tried to express in the original article—that the man's perogative for taking his woman when she is needed isn't all about him. It's all about THEM!

Sam (of Sam & Missy)

Ego etc

Isn't it more erotic anyway to be made to have sex when you don't want it? Isn't the placing of his needs above yours (obviously with some consideration for external circumstances) perfectly acceptable? It makes me feel good to please.

This was interesting above..

"Where is the key, if she rejects .. and for her sake (and as a caring dominant I look for her) it is better, to accept the rejection.

But for my ego it is difficult to get rejected. This is really one of the biggest issue I suffer from, and with this as well my beloved woman has to suffer, because of the insecurity this rejection causes inside me."

She probably shouldn't reject anyway if you and she have agreed that won't happen. So then you wouldn't have the ego thing to worry about. Also I'm not sure it always is better to accept the rejection. If she's submissive/wants to be taken in hand she probably won't always want you to accept the rejection, would prefer you to insist.

Finding it erotic

I never found having sex when I didn't want it particularly erotic. It was just one of those things I used to do for the sake of domestic harmony, though I found I usually got into the swing of things once we'd started. I don't think my husband would ever have tried to make me if he thought I really didn't want it though. I find that nowadays I tend to want it whenever he does anyway, so the problem doesn't arise. However if I said a definite 'no' I don't think he'd press the matter.

Louise