Taken out of my anguish

Taken out of my anguish

My husband and I have been married for ten years. I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past nine years. I feel very blessed to be able to do so. However, lately I have been feeling sort of caged. I really haven't done anything for myself or had any alone time.

My husband has had a few nights lately where he has gone golfing or met a buddy for a beer. Well, last Thursday was one such night. Now I have to tell you, normally I wouldn't have minded a bit. I know he needs his time just like everybody else. And it usually doesn't happen frequently anyway. But this particular day I was an emotional mess. I let it all build up. I started resenting him for doing what I needed to do for myself.

It's not like he keeps me in lock down and doesn't let me do anything. Quite the opposite. He tries to encourage me to do things for myself and he's quite willing to take care of the kids so I can get away.

Still, I just sat there and stewed until he got home. He immediately knew something was wrong and tried to talk to me. I just got angry and went off. He calmly left the room. That of course ticked me off even more. “Sure”, I thought, “go into your cave and ignore me some more!”

To make a long story short, as the night went on he made many attempts to try to calm me down. He tried talking to me some more and even tried giving me a backrub which just made me cry uncontrollably! (I told you, I was a mess!) But I couldn't explain to myself why I was acting the way I was, so how could I explain it to him? All rationality had left the building! He finally went to his office and so I sat down on the couch and started watching a chick flick!

About five minutes into my movie, he came into the living room, picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, carried me into the bedroom and threw me down on the bed. He then jumped on me, held me down, and began pleasing me and had his way with me. He was very loving yet firm.

Once we were finished, I felt this sense of calmness just flow over me. I felt so connected to him. He totally knew exactly what I needed. I have to tell you, before we discovered Taken In Hand, he never would have done that. We both would have stayed disengaged and gone to bed unhappy. I feel so lucky to have a man who can see, when I can't see for myself, exactly what I need and will take action!

Dynomite

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Comments

Stress Reducing Sp

Hello Kathy G!

My husband does spank me, but I think he's hesitant to do it when I'm in such a state of mind. We only discovered the Taken in Hand idea a couple of weeks ago & he seems to be struggling with exactly how & when to exert his authority. I've communicated to him that I'm completely open to whatever he's comfortable doing, but I think he's afraid of crossing a line or making a mistake.

I'm not sure how I would've taken a good spanking at that point in time. Maybe it would have done me a world of good! I can't imagine it doing any more harm (at least mentally, anyway!). ;)

I definitely do feel better, though! I was in a great mood the rest of the evening & the next day!

Thanks for your comment!

Dynomite

Good

Lucky you. Nice description.
Rough "forced" sex v spanking—tough choice... except it should never be a choice; you take what you're given.

Trust me! It would do a world of good.

My fiance used to be unsure of when to and how far to go with spanking. Now he's pretty much doing it whenever he feels like it or thinks I need it. Yesterday for example, I was very happy because I had just gotten my final grades for the semester and they were higher then I expected. When he got home and I told him he was very proud of me. Later that night he wanted to spank me and I protested. I told him that spanking always makes me cry and that since I was having such a great day I really didn't want to cry. He said he understood but that didn't stop him from giving me a pink bottom. It was wonderful because he did it just enough to satisfy his need to spank me, turn me on but stop before I started crying. We made love afterwards and I felt very close to him. Being so busy we haven't had much time together and him taking time to spank me and then having sex afterwards was the perfect way to reconnect after a long stressful semester.

Spanking always makes me cry

"...spanking always makes me cry..."

I've never cried during a spanking. I'm not sure I could. I get very frustrated (during discipline spanking) & find myself fighting back, but never about to cry.

I think I would have cried on this particular occasion given my emotional state of mind, though. I mean, c'mon! I was crying when he gave me a back rub! Maybe that is what I need during those times of anguish.

I don't ever see myself crying over discipline spankings, though. My husband seems to think he can make it happen. I guess time will tell.

Dynomite

crying and spanking

I don't fight it when my husband spanks me. It is about the only time I don't fight his control I guess, or resist, at least. It is what I have asked for it to be, and not as often as I would think it should be. It seldom has brought tears to my eyes, although many times when I knew I needed it, and he wouldn't give it, that brought tears quickly. I did squirm a little the last time, but he expected what he did to have a lasting effect the next day, and I didn't feel anything. My husband is a classic, or maybe the king of, going to his cave, type of punishment, he's skilled at it for sure, and nothing provokes me and my anger more than being completely ignored. Maybe I am not as cut out for this Taken in Hand lifestyle as I thought I was?

Spankin' & cave dwellin'

I got a spanking last night that will "have an effect" for quite a few days! He, of course, didn't intend to cause bruising, but it happened. (Still working on his technique!) But even though I was in incredible pain & felt like crying, I couldn't even tear up! At one point, I actually did a weird, sort of, frustrated pleading laugh. He took it like I thought it was funny & turned up the heat!

I think he's trying to push me past the whole resistance thing. I submit until it really hurts, then I instictively try to protect myself & fight it like heck!

I would love to feel the 'release' I hear so much about once you get past the resistance & into total submission. We just really need to find a way to do it so there's not such a "lasting effect" on my bottom!

KAL wrote:

"My husband is a classic, or maybe the king of, going to his cave, type of punishment, he's skilled at it for sure, and nothing provokes me and my anger more than being completely ignored. Maybe I am not as cut out for this Taken in Hand lifestyle as I thought I was?"

Sounds to me like you are cut out for the Taken in Hand lifestyle, but your husband hasn't quite grasped the concept. Going into his cave & completely ignoring you to punish you won't exactly help you two connect.

This lifestlye has helped us to connect in a way that makes us both feel good. Yes, it's been a bumpy start, but communication is the key for us. Maybe your husband just doesn't fully understand your needs. I really struggled with communicating my needs at first & I guess I still do. But it's getting better with time. This site has really given us a lot to talk about.

I would suggest more communication. In my view, him leaving you feeling angry & frustrated as punishment definately won't help you connect & grow together.

Best of luck!

Dynomite

I'm a huge crybaby!

From someone who usually cries I can tell you that it’s hard sometimes to get those tears flowing. My man hits to bruise. He wants me to remember for the next few days. I don’t bruise easily so usually I’m sore with no visible marks.

In regards to not being able to tear up, yesterday I was very upset with my parents. When my fiancé got home I shared with him my feelings and he was just as upset with them. He hugged me and told me it was ok. He took me out to dinner and showed me a good time. He refused to talk about it for the rest of the night. He just wanted to start the day over just the two of us alone.

Later on that night we were in front of the TV playing a video game together. I was laying my upper body over the ottoman with my buttocks in black panties exposed. He came up behind me and spanked me hard on the right side. I too always do the frustrated pleading laugh. This is just my way of getting through the first few hits. He knows I’m not laughing at him. After the first eight my ass hurt so much that I was trying to cover it with my hands. He just pushed my body down with his big hands so that I couldn’t get up. Him using his strength to hold me down is also very moving for me. I think all together he hit me close to thirty times. Usually, I cry very hard when I’m being spanked. However, this time I just couldn’t do it. No tears would come.

When I finally stopped fighting him and he was done he took me upstairs and we had very physical sex. We were both drained afterwards. After we showered we lay together in bed and he held me. It was wonderful. That was the first time I felt that same release without crying. This morning after he left for work I cried a little about the situation with my parents but it was only for a moment. Usually when I’m upset to this magnitude I cry often for a few days. However, I think a lot of the pain and torment was released last night during the spanking. I just couldn’t cry at that moment. I think if he had kept going he would have gotten me to cry but he wanted to make love so he stopped. I think he knew that had I started crying it would have taken me a long time to calm down and that I probably wouldn’t have been in the mind set for sex.

I know now that spanking and the crying it brings on was really what I needed from my fiance to be a better woman. It's my release past society, family, work and friends to be the best I can be for myself and for him. Taken in hand saved my relationship. I thank God for Taken In Hand and my wonderful man everyday. Although, my man isn't religious like me I know he believes taken in hand saved us as well.

Going to the Cave

I really need to chime in on the concept of a man "going to his cave".

I've recently read a number of comments (here and elsewhere) from women complaining their husbands use their cave as punishment.

If that's true, those men aren't "going to their cave", they're ignoring you as a form of punishment. Two very different things.

As an analogy for a man's private place to de-stress, the cave is quite apt. As a way of saying your man is ignoring you as punishment, it's really off the mark.

Disconnecting from someone *just* to punish them is cruel, and probably not what *most* men are actually doing when they're accused of going to their cave. More often, I would imagine they are simply withdrawing as a protective mechanism-both for themselves, and to keep from hurting someone they care about.

When men "go to their cave", it's no different than anyone who needs to be alone for a while to think things through so they DON'T over-react to the current stresses.

Unfortunately, some women think his withdrawal is all about them, when it's about his need for solitude so he can think. It's not to punish her, but so he doesn't react in a mean or cruel way (or lash out in anger and physically hurt someone).

I tend to go to my cave not during conflict, but at other times of stress-I'm tired from a stressful day at work, I've spent too much time with my family, etc. It's a mechanism for re-centering my world.

I don't believe most women fully understand how close emotional distress and physical action is for many men, especially when we're younger (the hormones are still raging, and experience hasn't mellowed us yet). So withdrawal becomes a necessary means of cutting the escalation before we get to a point where we lose control and do something physically. Withdrawal is *necessary* for us when we've reached the point where we talk is no longer effective.

As Dynomite said "him leaving you feeling angry & frustrated as punishment definitely won't help you connect & grow together".

Neither will her *requiring* him to stand and fight with her.

He may be walking away to cut the escalation because he realizes good communication is gone, and they're now just arguing to win. He may be thinking they both need time to "cool off".

Perfect? No, but another example of how men and women are different!

I happen to think Taken In Hand is PERFECT for this kind of circumstance.

Being ignored

Well, being ignored wouldn't have at all a good effect on me. since I am much more of a cave-dweller than my husband is anyway, it would just make me withdraw even more. There's no way my husband could ever beat me int he withdrawing and ignoring stakes, because I am infinitely better at that than he is.

It does not sound to me like a very good way to develop a Taken In Hand relationship, which hopefully should foster intimacy rather than destroying it. Maybe further discussion would be a good idea.

Louise