Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close

Taken In Hand relationships are pretty special. The three things I want in a relationship, I have in abundance with my wife. I believe it's because we have a Taken In Hand relationship. What are those three things? Love, sex, and intimacy. It's that simple.

The intimacy and love come because the Taken In Hand relationship is so sexy. When you feel sexually satisfied, you feel a whole lot of love for your spouse and you show your love and want to make your spouse happy. When you feel sexually satisfied, you want to talk to your spouse and that brings intimacy. So the bottom line is, it's about making great relationships by creating sexual heat between you.

There's nothing more erotic to me than to know that my wife loves being in this relationship with me. There's nothing more erotic than knowing she's always available for me if I want sex. She says there's nothing more sexy than being available to me, so we have a win-win situation here. Just knowing I can take her whenever I want... it's what other men dream of. Just knowing that when I take her, she'll submit and open her legs for me and she's excited and willing every time... other folks have talked about a sense of peace, but let me tell you, THIS is peace. There's no greater satisfaction than this. This submission from my wife is the greatest gift.

My wife commented that my dominance is the greatest gift to her. She's wired to respond sexually to it and can't get enough of it. I wouldn't say she's obedient, but she's pretty happy with how we're doing so there's no fights or stonewalling. The more I make decisions for her (taking her wishes into consideration every time) the more dreamy-eyed she gets. I love it when she looks at me like I'm her hero.

When I tell me wife to be sure and take enough time for pampering herself after a hard day, seeing the look in her eye—love, submission and “you're my hero”—does it for me. This is great: this kind of dominance—Taken In Hand protective, caring dominance—turns my wife on big time and makes her happy. And when you've got a turned on, happy wife, you have a happy, satisfied husband!


Taken In Hand Tour start | next


Availability vs rape

DG's got it right: Taken In Hand relationships are about sex, love, intimacy and the interplay of dominance and submission in a 24/7 relationship. Taken In Hand is pro-freedom and pro people, it's not about atavistic/religious/political/misogynistic/traditional denial of freedom.

DG, would I be correct in surmizing that you don't "rape" your wife? If she's always available that wouldn't be easy to do, right? So I'm interested to know where the whole "rape" thing fits with the "availability" thing in a Taken In Hand relationship. Comments?


It Does Work!!!


Missy and I have reached levels of intimacy that we never knew existed. We have found that my motivation to discipline her with tender dominance and a firm hand, along with her sweet submissive nature and desire to please me, have connected us in such a deep way that it is hard to define.

Her affection and availability to me—to know that she's there ready and willing—is an enormous turn-on. It's like having a glass of fine wine, chilled to perfection, at your fingertips. You don't have to gulp it down, because it's always there. It is wonderful to dip your finger into it for little tastes during the day, as you contemplate having it with the full meal at dinnertime.

The love feeds the intimacy which feeds the sex which feeds the love. And so it goes...

Sam (of Sam & Missy)

Understanding why it works

Great Post DG

DG, once again you have stated so well the great satisfaction and peace most men feel when they have a relationship like yours.

All over the internet I read of unhappily married men. Their biggest complaint is that their wives do not want to have sex with them. I don't believe it's about the sex itself, sex as a release, no; I believe men who are refused by their wives feel rejected emotionally at a deep, male level that most women simply cannot understand.

Many men cover up their pain by withdrawing and isolating emotionally out of frustration and anger.

The depths of trust that comes with a Taken In Hand relationship is so powerful that both the man and woman naturally feel more intimate and more open to being sexual. I do not know of a single case where a couple who is actually working on such a relationship where this is not true.

For people who are not in such a relationship, I suppose it would be hard to understand *why* the woman no longer wants to refuse her husband or *why* the husband naturally wants to do more emotionally satisfying things for his wife in turn.

I guess you have to be IN one before you can understand that level of intimacy.

Well Said, DG!

Your title referred to Taken In Hand relationships as hot and close. In your article, you've shown examples of that and of the give-and-take that happens. Since my husband has taken his dominant role as head of the household and I have submitted to him, we have been more satisfied and contented than ever.

I knew this was what I wanted, but I never imagined I could be so happy. I feel cared for, both emotionally and physically.

Yes, I get dreamy eyed.--- It seems silly to see that in print.

Also, I could never imagine denying him anything he asked of me. Being available to him is just so natural to me.

Anyway, well said.


The Importance of Roles

I am the “victim” of a marriage without roles. It was a totally
lifeless, dull, and unfulfilling relationship. We would bicker about
meaningless things and sometimes the arguments would escalate into
emotionally draining shouting matches.

I had a fantasy about what I wanted, but this was all before the
general public had access to this thing called the “Internet”, so I
didn't know that there were other people actually living my dream.

I don't like crying over spilt milk, but if I had it all to do over
again, I would have insisted on the type of relationship that I

This “ultimatim”, if you can call it that, would have one of two
results; my then-fiancee would have either married me or not, based on
the outline of the relationship I wanted. Either way, I would have
been much happier. I view what people write here as proof of that.


Re: The Importance of Roles

Hey KrosRogue,

I felt just like you did, (still do) I had these type of feelings and desires long before the web made the Taken In Hand way of life more known. I was raised in a fundamental Christian church where everything sexual—well, almost everything—was taboo and of the devil, so to speak. My first husband was a Christian man and it was akin to an arranged marriage. We loved each other like best friends but there was no sexual or intimate energy or tension between us at all, though we tried. All the while I felt evil inside trying to understand what was wrong with me. I had to take care of myself a lot during my marriage, and it made me feel dirty afterwards.

I lived like this for many years. Towards the end, I ended up having an affair with a co-worker, who literally did seduce me, and I experienced passions that confused me even more. I felt like crap about the affair, which was very short, told my husband, and we got a divorce. He ended up marrying my best friend who caught the bouquet at our wedding! Strange, huh? Sometimes I wonder about if being too nice and too kind can play a part in all of this mess. After that, I stayed by myself for a time and then got involved with another man whom I had known since we were teenagers: we were each other's first love. We were having so much fun and really enjoyed each other. I thought: surely this is the man I have been searching for? Wrong!

I was well messed up in regard to intimacy and sexual relations. I really hadn't a clue though as to what went where. I still had those “evil desires” to deal with.

Between my upbringing and those desires and everything in between, I made a mess of everything and handled everything all wrong. It takes two to make a mess though: I wasn't by myself in all this. When I first became pregnant, he began to cheat on me, and was very neglectful of my emotional and mental needs. So, in turn, I was turned off sexually, and went against him on almost every decision. We fought constantly, and I was angry and resentful. I didn't realize he was cheating on me until after some time. His brother owned a latin club and we always used to go dancing there. I figured since I was pregnant he just didn't want to take me there but still needed to get out. Like a dummy, I believed him!

Finally I asked him to move out. He did. He was gone for over a year, and we both still loved each other during that time. Afterall, we had known each other for over 25 years. Last year, he wanted to come back and make things right between us, and be a real father to our children, and finally asked me to marry him. He has been back home for a year now, and we have made progress.

One of the first changes I made was to realize my need to submit, and so I am and things are a bit more peaceful. However there is still this big chasm bewtween us, an area where he just won't step into with me, an area that I know would bring us closer and more intimate in communicating our deepest needs and desires. I wonder sometimes if he really sees me as an intimate and sexually desirable woman or still looks at me as though I am an innocent church girl. He keeps saying he desires me and that I turn him on, but without those words, I wouldn't have known!

He used to be a sex maniac, but now, since he has come back home, he has changed and hardly expresses interest in sex or any conversation that would lead to it. Heck I am lucky if he takes me once a week, and twice is a REAL treat, and if it lasts longer than a half hour I should feel REAL lucky! Another fact about myself that I just came to realize is that often times regular sex without some other form of erotic foreplay doesn't always do it for me, and I just thought that was from all my messed up thinking on this whole issue. There are many times when even after we have sex, which he is good as good goes, that I have to still go and finish myself off in the bathroom, because I had to fake it for him. It makes me real sad, and I am so afraid to tell him these things. I may never tell him that thing in particular. I need him to fully take me and go deep inside my soul, my heart, my body, the whole nine yards, I don't know if he is capable of this depth even, now that I am talking about it here.

I had been doing research on the reasons why I feel the way I do. You know, looking for some answers. Finally after all these years, I found all these sites just from one search word! Of course I devoured everything I read in amazement, and with non-stop ambition. I have finally come to an understanding that I had never been able to achieve in all the years of my life. So now, I am able to recognize who I am and why I have had so much trouble in the past. Now what? Have I finally come this far only to have to let it all go? Yuck! I am always a day late and a dollar short it seems.

The next hurdle is telling H about what I really need from him. I tried a little bit the other day, and he said I was crazy, and asked me how I came to this complete turnabout. I told him I did work on myself and found answers and that I was sorry for my part, and now I want to correct those mistakes. I told him I want us to have a very meaningful and fulfilling marraige and not live like room mates! I told him I want more than this, we hardly ever go deep or spend time alone together. I also asked him if he was willing to correct his mistakes, and if he realized what they were? He wants to be the head of the house, but he needs to learn how to lead. Yes, he belts out orders to everybody, but he does not lead, there is a difference and he hasn't learned that yet. So, this makes things more complicated for me.

His response was like "What? you actually WANT me to beat you?" He was raised to never ever hit a woman. I said no not beat, spank! LOL! He thinks I am joking. He will not take me serious. It isn't just about the spanking, it is about the mental connection. It is about how if he really wants to be head of house hold than he has to be that in his entirety and not just a part timer. He needs to realize the responsibility that comes with fulfilling that role. I asked him to help me when he sees me get too emotional and start to let my emotions cloud into logical issues. That is when we disconnect, sometimes for days. H tells me he hates that part of us.

I know I have at times let my feelings of the past come into the present, and I don't want to but at times I have to vent, and it comes out uncontrolably and I rant and rave. This is where a spanking would do nicely for me and him. This is where I need him to take me and deal with me and help me right then and there. I would be able to get it out and he would find release as well, and then we would be able to be calm and talk and cuddle, I just know it would bring us closer, and help us heal our wounds together. It would also be another motivator for me to learn better self control in that area. Hey, it works on our children! LOL! He allows me no room to vent, mainly because he cannot handle his own guilt and shame for his betrayal. I forgave him for that, but he hasn't forgiven himself.

Sheesh, I wrote too much already, I guess I needed to vent some more, I am so alone in this, I can't confide in anyone. I cannot talk to my friends about my personal life, I am too private a person. On the outside we appear very healthy and happy. I am a good actress, I have had years of practice! *sigh*

I would like to be able to give H some articles to read, but they have to be those beginner101 type articles, because I sense he hasn't a clue at all by his responses so far. Any help or suggestions is very much appreciated. I have a better chance of letting him read something while not in my presence.

Sorry for rambling on...this is my very first post I have ever made concerning this part of my life.

Thanks for reading this, I just don't know where to start or stop as you can tell...


A Reply That I Should Have Put Here

I replied to your "RE: Is there consent?" posting with a small
dissertation about "Christian Lust". After reading your reply to me
here, I should have waited to put that reply where this one is. It
mentions the difficulties that some Christian denominations cause for
married couples in apparent contradiction with scripture.

If you can, without any bad repercussions, get your husband to read
your post. Then, in regard to "beginner 101", you might try to put him
on The Taken In Hand Tour.
See if any of that helps. You might get him to read my other reply to
, too.


Marriage without roles

My sense of this is that, while our society relentlessly teaches equality in relationships, career ambition for women, and sensitivity for men, what results very often is women being in charge in their relationships, whether they like it or not. Women take charge of things, and men back down because that's the "sensitive" thing to do. I think that when men try to go with the flow, what results is not equality, but woman in charge.

For a woman like me, it's the wrong thing to do. I want the submissive role in love and marriage, but I won't just go there peacefully. I want a man who will actively take the dominant role and "put me in my place," so to speak. In the absence of this aggressive role-taking, I will be in charge. And I won't be happy. And he won't be happy.

The problem is that political correctness teaches men that women like me do not exist. It teaches them that what women want most is to be equal to them in all ways, or above them. And so it robs them of the knowledge they need to find happiness with many of the women out there.


Yes Melanie, you're 100% corr

Yes Melanie, you're 100% correct. That's exactly what I have observed. At work, I see guys now in their 50's sadly accepting these so-called "equal" roles. One guy in particular would not do anything, and I mean anything, without consulting his wife first, and he laughs jokes about how his wife puts out the clothes for him to wear each day! I cringe when I hear this. When other guys talk about a hot looking model or going out for a drink, he says he can't talk about that because his wife wouldn't approve. I once asked him, if his marriage was so "equal" then how come he can never do anything HE likes? He didn't respond, just continued working in the computer.

Luckily, I do see a new trend among the younger generations in their late 20's and 30's (I'm 36). While most younger women want to work in their careers, they won't accept the so-called "sensitive man" in a relationship--if anything they mock this idea. And if you go to websites like askmen.com or read magazines like Men's Health the new trend is clearly for guys to hold their ground and gain respect. And a lot of this advice now comes from women specialists who equate "sensitive" man with "wimp".

A totally reenergized attitude towards marriage

Wow, this site has given me total renewed optimism about how loving, harmonious and fulfilling a marriage can really be! For the past four months, I have been dating someone wonderful, and I can already see our relationship subtly blossoming into a dominant/submissive taken-in-hand type of relationship that I am confident will bring us both boundless joy. I've been gently testing the waters (experimenting with asking him for erotic and punitive spankings), and, so far, so good! One particular day, I was supposed to meet him at home for lunch, but I got sidetracked and didn't make it home in time, spoiling the lunch hour for both of us. That evening, I went out of my way to serve him a very nice dinner, partly to redeem myself from the afternoon. Nevertheless, after he was finished eating, he pushed his chair back from the dining room table and ordered me across his lap, at which point his flipped up my skirt and yanked down my panties and delivered a most merciless spanking, as my punishment for messing up our lunch plans. I was thrilled!!!! because this was the first spanking he initiated with no coaxing from me! I was also somewhat amazed that he was able to do this to me right after I had prepared him a lovely dinner! But actually, that added circumstance actually made me feel more respect and submissiveness toward him, because it made me realize I could not change his resolve to discipline me with an obvious, transparent gesture like making him a special dinner. Then, to my amazement, as he was spanking me (very hard!) and I began to cry out and beg him to stop, he ignored my pleadings and continued spanking me anyway! While the pain was somewhat alarming (I hadn't been spanked so hard and resolutely by anyone before!) it was also thrilling to realize that this man was no pushover, and was not going to sweep his feelings and irritation under the proverbial carpet, but instead let them out directly where they belonged—on my sweet, round feminine backside (so perfectly designed, I might add, for that purpose)!! And even more wonderful, was how that spanking magically cleared the air over the broken lunch date. And as we were enjoying wonderful lovemaking that night, I thought about how unsatifying it would have been for us both if he had just "let off the hook" for my error, and how a disciplinary spanking was so much more satifying and provided mutual closure. As a submissive woman, the dominant/submissive relationship dynamic satifies me right to my core. I feel so motivated to please my man, make things run smoothly between us, and be totally available to him in every respect. And it is already apparent to me that he is likewise motivated to look after me, protect me, set limits and expections for my behavior and activities, and maintain subtle but absolute dominance over our fledgling but very promising relationship. It's funny, because as a late-30-something professional woman, I certainly don't need any man's guiding hand to see me through life, but I crave it deeply, and am glad that, despite our equality/p.c. culture, most men, at some level, apparently feel the same way.

About openness


I am new to Taken In Hand concept, but I've done some of my own research in the Biblical concept of sex (the Bible is FULL of it, contrary to many of today's Christian church's teachings.) and I'm come to many of the same conclusions as you and this site about love, sex, and intimacy.

One thing I see about intimacy, is that the woman is not emotionally free to be open to her man UNTIL she feels totally secure with him. The fine line seems to be between solid leadership and a dictatorship. The former man would take a bullet for her, whereas the latter would just move on to the next victim. The strong and true woman would be repulsed at someone demanding her body without real and complete love, and be completely swooned and open if he shows he loves her with honor and respect; then she'd be completely open for him always, emotionally and sexually.

Thanks for your thoughts, and for this site!


Interesting, Dav

My husband and I met and married in an ultra fundamentalist Bible church (we are no longer part of it, long story.) We were taught and believed very specific things about marriage. Woman's submission was one, of course. But we were also taught that neither spouse had a right to deny the other sexual satisfaction except for illness or fasting and prayer(a big work of the Lord's).

I have never once told my husband no. I always communicate if I am not feeling well, but once we made love when I had a wretched headache(hubby had been out of town for work, and that is always the first thing he wants when he returns home). I had an orgasm, my head felt even worse for a moment, then the headache went away. So I figured headache didn't come into the illness category for me unless it was part of a cold or flu.

Even now I find it shocking how little sex some of my friends have with their husbands.

Sex and headaches

Bramble, you bring up a good point there—although it's known that in a very small part of the population sex can actually cause headaches, it's also known that the endorphin release during sex (good sex, at any rate) is a very effective cure for headaches.

From experience it doesn't always work, but I guess it does depend on what's causing the headache...