Spanking in anger

I have found that it is possible for my husband to spank me when he is angry, and yet still be in control. Indeed, one of the most remarkable things about the relationship we have now is the degree of self-control that he possesses; it's a quality I never suspected him of having before. In the past, when he used to lose his temper and rant and rage at me I used to feel utterly miserable, and it was because I had this only half-acknowledged longing for him to be in control, not just of himself but of me too.

Now I find that he can keep his temper even when he is seriously angry about something. The first time he ever spanked me when he was really, really angry about something I felt a sense almost of exultation at realising that, in spite of his anger, he was keeping it under control, and although he was (as he puts it) “taking it out on your bottom” he was totally in command of the situation. I was completely and utterly thrilled by this.

In fact, I think I really prefer him to spank me when he is angry, if he is genuinely angry about something, because then I feel both of us get more out of it. He gets to relieve his anger by thrashing me soundly, and I get that deep sense of peace and pleasure that, no matter how much my bottom is hurting, comes from feeling that he is in command of the situation. I don't actually want him to be angry with me, but if he is, then I want him to able to find release from his anger through spanking me.

If he waits too long after his anger has cooled, it can sometimes have a slightly anti-climactic effect. For instance, he was abroad last week when he found out I had done something he specifically forbade me to do, and he was very angry. Now, if he had been home that day or the day after, I'd have got spanked hard, and I would have felt really, seriously punished. As it was, a week went by before he got home, and although he did spank me, his anger by them had cooled and I didn't get that sense of emotional intensity that I do get when he spanks me when he's angry. The edge had gone off it.

There was an occasion a while ago when he spanked me when he was really pissed off about something, and after giving me twenty extra-hard whacks with the paddle without any warm-up (the most brutal form of spanking) he put the paddle down and said, “I'm not doing any more because I'm too angry, I don't trust myself not to get carried away.” I was grateful for his control, and also rather guiltily intrigued by the thought of what he might do if he did get carried away!

But the thing that has wrought such a change in our relationship is feeling that I can trust him not to get carried away, and to keep control. I can trust him to spank me when he's angry because I know that, along with the anger, the control is there too.

Louise C

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Spanking cold

I'm with you, Louise, and Tevemer, who wrote Is it a mistake to spank when angry? Waiting until the man has completely cooled down seems to me to defeat part of the object of the spanking. Doing it in the heat of the moment provides relief and reconnects the couple in a way that doing it cold, later, might not, or might not always.

The idea of the man never spanking when angry is a bit concerning to me. It brings to mind the idea of a man who is so out of control that he might injure the woman unless he calms down first. I'd think twice before hitching up with such a man. A man who wants to take a woman in hand should have enough self-control that even if he does spank the woman when he is furious, he doesn't end up injuring her.

Never angry

I think the idea of spanking in anger is at least better than the notion that a man is so in control that he is never angry, which is the impression I get on those Domestic Discipline sites where the emphasis is heavily on 'helping the woman to become a better person' 'overcome negative behaviour,negative emotions' etc. You get the impression that men are such godlike creatures, that they are quite above having any 'negative emotions' of their own, and the idea that spanking a woman might help a man to overcome some of his own 'negative emotions' as well as hers is simply not a possibility, because men as they are portrayed on these sites never need to overcome anything. They were born perfect.

"Born Perfect"

Of course no one is, not even men!

I'd prefer honest anger to some sort of supercilious superior attitude. A tearing rage could be dangerous though.


Vexed and Concerned, not angry

I agree that if a man is beside himself with anger then there is a risk of things getting completely out of control and even dangerous—not to mention the loss of the controlled salutary lesson on the woman's part.

I am lucky in that when Tim chooses to punish me, he allows himself to calm down and have a brief cooling off before he deals with me. Clearly, for a wife to deserve punishment, she must have caused anger in some measure, but in our relationship, Tim can modify that anger—moderate it—into stern and loving control. I benefit from it by learning from the lesson of the chastisement and by his little lecture he gives before and then after the spanking.

For example, we had some friends around to dinner the other night. Tim has a great sense of humour but I made a remark about his golf ability which—as I said it—I realised was rather cruel and cutting. As our friends are also into golf, I realised that my remarks about his handicap were insensitive and mean. After the dinner guests had gone, he told me off and that should have been enough but I added to the bad atmosphere by accusing him of being too precious.

I realised that this was wrong and he was very angry. He then reminded me that respect for him was my duty and that not only had I humiliated him in front of our guests but that I was now answering back. In the context of our relationship, having agreed to submit to him totally, he said that I should immediately go upstairs and not dare to say another word.

I think that the intervening few minutes were time for Tim to cool down and deal with me rationally. I was upstairs and crying, so ashamed of myself and h hurt I had caused. Tim came up and sat me on his knee and explained that he had thought about my behaviour and that this was a spanking matter. I was still tearful and we talked it through and I agreed that I needed to be reminded of his feelings by a sharp lesson.

Tim undressed me totally and spanked me hard and I then sat at his feet as he lovingly stroked my hair and naked back and told me that he would always love me but that respect for him must be given. Respect, he explained was the basis of love. I listened to his little lecture and yes, he was right.

Rudeness and insensitivity had cost me a reddening, but the issue had been dealt with. No brooding—just a firming of our relationship and a deepening into consensual submission for me.

Insensitive remarks

I am guilty of making these fairly frequently. although they can slightly irritate my husband though they are not normally of a nature to make him seriously angry.

Yesterday, for instance, he bought himself a bread making machine. He was thrilled with his new toy, and made a loaf of bread, which was lovely except that it was slightly saggy in the middle when it came out, and this caused me to make a couple of flippant remarks, which later led to retribution.

However, remarks I make do not normally cause my husband to become seriously pissed off, it tends to be more things I do (or don't do) that cause him to get that way. Impertinent remarks he can mostly take in his stride, and although I do get spanked for them, they don't generally cause him to get really angry.

Spanking in anger

While spanking is not a very prominent part of my relationship (as punishment, I have only been spanked about five times in five years), he was furious with me every time. Which of course means that I was spanked longer and harder, but it was worth it for the release we both felt from it. Spanking after the man has calmed down would seem mechanical, in my opinion. Unless, that is, the appeal of spanking you only came from the physical act of the spanking rather than the emotional aspects. Myself, I get more out of the experience from knowing he could easily lose his cool and really hurt me but he holds back. And frankly, if whatever I did made him angry enough to deliver such an intense spanking, I would assume I deserve every bit of it.

A Broad Church

I always like your posts, Louise. I don't always agree but people are as different as Taken In Hand relationships can be from each other. I come at this from the BDSM angle and I'm not particularly into physical punishment other than as an erotic act. That sounds too bald a statement.... I suppose when I've ceded control to a man I am happy that he can if he thinks it best physically punish me but I would be disappointed if that were often used as I don't personally find it a particularly effective way to change behaviour in someone who is keen to please anyway. I prefer communication and I don't like muddying the waters between what's done for fun or simply because he enjoys doing it to me (..when there is a he which there isn't at the moment) and it's his decision to do it at random without needing any pretext and real punishment. So I would not want someone who physically touched me at all when angry (it's when most domestic violence ensues all over the world) but if it all works fine for you that's great. Most dominant men make sure they've calmed down otherwise they risk damage I think to the woman.

My views might be coloured by my ex husband getting very angry (not that he ever dominated me or wanted to) and being physically agressive. That kind of thing is completely out of order and nothing to do with D/S/Taken In Hand.

Changing behaviour

I don't find that spanking changes behaviour in the sense of behaving well in order to avoid being spanked, because spanking is not something I ever wish to avoid, no matter how much it hurts.

But it does change my behaviour in a sense, because it makes me feel more submissive, more anxious to please, and more affectionate towards my husband. It is a short-term change rather than a long-term one. although I do have a desire to please, it needs quite a lot of encouragement to bring it out, I am not naturally compliant without some reinforcement.

I don't actually want my husband to be angry with me, and most often when he spanks me he isn't, he has described the range of feelings he has when spanking me as going from 'mildly irritated' to 'seriously pissed off' and he is more often at the 'mildly irritated' end of the scale. But although he isn't angry very often, those occasions when he has been tend to be the ones I return to most often in my mind when I think about being spanked by him, they are deeply emotionally satisfying. I never found purely 'erotic' spankings very satisfying.

There have been a few occasions in the past when my husband was physically aggressive when he got angry, but when he spanks me it is something quite different, he doesn't use brute force, but when he says to me "Come here" in the stern and rather ominous tone of voice he uses at these times, I never feel any sense of fear, or any inclination to refuse. A feeling of calm acceptance comes over me at these times. There's a big difference to my mind between being angry and being out of control.

I've been giving this some thought

It seems to me that when I am in a Taken In Hand relationship, I would want the man to spank me in anger, but obviously in the controlled, safe way that others describe here. I mean, it only makes sense that he would be angry about something I had done, and his spanking me would be an outlet for his anger as well as a way of reestablishing his authority and dominance. I tend to have a rebellious streak, and I know that I could use a reassertion of dominance, probably more often in the beginning. But I think that Louise's experience—of feeling more submissive after a spanking—would certainly be my experience.

Spanking For Your Emotions

What about when you're angry? What about times when your emotions are so peaked that you feel short or want to just escape in to your own "place". What about a man taking the authority of spanking you to help you release what's bottled up inside? Is it a cathatic experience?

I have noticed some alluding to this here and there among posts. Sometimes I will bottle up and just change the topic entirely not addressing the problem. Do you ever do that? Are you ever spanked to help you to release the pent up emotions you simply can not or refuse to otherwise talk out? Does this feel healthy? Do you ever then feel overly emotionally dependent on your SO and is that ok, though?

I suspect this will be so for me

I suspect that being spanked will help to release my pent up emotions. I tend to hold things in tightly and then things just burst out of me in an uncontrollable fashion. Perhaps spanking would help with that?

We do use spanking for stress

We do use spanking for stress relief. I usually have to literally ask for those one's though. If I'm stressed he tries to be reassuring and supportive first. He'll want to cuddle me or rub my back and hope that it will make it better. The thing is if I'm over stressed I don't always want to be cuddled. I want to be spanked then cuddled. I don't even know why. All I can think is that if I'm feeling out of control I want to feel his control and that's how I feel it.

Stress relief

Yes, if I'm feeling under pressure being spanked for someone's pleasure is great. I'm a sybarite, if that's a word. D/S/sex/spanking is fun hopefully for both sides. I like to keep it like that. I haven;t lived with a dominant man, unlike Louise so although I've always been submissive and I was married a long time which does give you a lot of experience of life, men and relationships I haven't been with a dominant man who's got angry. If you live with someone day to day of course they get angry. It's a fairly fundamental and sensible D/S rule that that's not the time for corporal punishment play and I'm happy to stick to that rule. If you're with a man who is angry with you and wants to punish with a spanking and can ensure he doesn't because of his temper hurt you too much I suppose it's okay but I still don't personally feel that happy with the principle that it's a good idea.


Sybarite is a word. The Concise Oxford Dictionary says it is an adjective or a noun, meaning luxurious and voluptuous (originally a native of Sybaris in Southern Italy, noted for luxury).

I have been thinking about whether I am a sybarite, but I'm not quite sure. I can feel quite luxurious and voluptuous sometimes, and being spanked really hard is one of the things most likely to make me feel that way. Spanking is something my husband started doing because he knew I wanted him to, and it was my idea that he should use it for punishment if he was annoyed about something I'd done (or not done). I never actually thought about the possibility of him hurting me too much, it just never occured to me.

It may be a D/S rule that you don't spank someone when you're angry with them, but if so then I personally think that people are missing out on something that can be very satisfying, at least it is for me and my husband. Being spanked never hurts me as much as being shouted at used to.

spanking for the bottom's emotions

What about a man taking the authority of spanking you to help you release what's bottled up inside? Is it a cathatic experience?

I have noticed some alluding to this here and there among posts. Sometimes I will bottle up and just change the topic entirely not addressing the problem. Do you ever do that? Are you ever spanked to help you to release the pent up emotions you simply can not or refuse to otherwise talk out? Does this feel healthy? Do you ever then feel overly emotionally dependent on your SO and is that ok, though?

We do this but this isn't really the way it happens. When I get upset, I have a real tendency to bottle it up and turn it inward or let it stew until I am so angry that I just rage at him or pick fights or whatever. He used to just withdraw in response knowing that trying to engage me did no good or only resulted in me sniping at him.

This is how it used to be before and one of the things that led us to Taken In Hand. Now when I get in that mood, he will sense it and rather than walking away will ask me what is wrong. I generally tell him that talking will do no good so never mind. Well, that is not a response I am supposed to make any more (and I am working on not doing it, too, lol) so then he will tell me that it sounds like I need a spanking. At this point, I usually say something really pissy like "whatever, that's not my decision is it?" (Personally, I think it's a real accomplishment of self-control since what I want to say is "what I *need* is for you to mind your own damn business!" That would have worked pre-Taken In Hand, now it would just get me redder than a stop sign, LOL) That's usually enough to earn me a spanking right there and it works out great because then my emotions (whatever they are) get released and so do his and we always have romping good sex afterward.

That's one of the beauties of our relationship now. When I get pissy for whatever reason (hormones or whatever) I don't have to watch what I say. I can let go and he won't go away, he will just deal with it and we end up closer and it doesn't take three days of silence and then a knockdown drag out. It just takes an hour or so of spanking and it's all done. Yay.


Angry spankings make me sore ...

Speaking as one who was spanked in anger by my exceptionally sweet and usually very careful hubby, I think there's a fair reason for the "don't spank in anger" message.

He was swinging hard and missed. Hit my lower back pretty hard, and stopped immediately when he saw what happened. No, it wasn't abuse, no it wasn't maliciousness or a careless attitude. It was a heated moment and an inch's slip makes for a lot of pain. It won't kill me, it didn't even hurt for very long, but it could have been worse. Sometimes you need to cool down a bit...


Swinging and missing

The only time my husband has ever hit me too high or not landed where he was aiming for it's been because I have been wriggling and struggling too much. This is actually less likely to occur the more contrite I am feeling about what I have done, because the more I can focus my mind on the thought 'I deserve this' the less likely I am to wriggle. I'm never entirely wriggle-free because it just hurts too much for me to be able to keep completely still, but the more concentrated my mind is on the fact that I'm getting what I deserve, the less I am inclined to struggle, so the more pissed off my husband is the more compliant I am likely to be, and therefore the less likely to get hit in the wrong place.

Hit or miss...

Well, I suppose I might have been struggling just a bit, but give me some credit: It hurts! Plus, usually when he's angry, it's because we're arguing and in that case, I'm angry too. So I'm much more likely to resist him, and perhaps I'm inclined to shift position now and again...

The more contrite I am, however, the more likely I am to stay in place, as you do. It's also more likely to make me cry. Go figure.


His authority

Even though you may feel equally angry, do you ever feel that by submitting to him, you feel like you are going through some kind of obedience training...for lack of better word? Do you ever fear, not him, but the authority that he you better listen, or else? I wouldn't trade this whole thing for going head to head with anger and the damage that can create...but more and more it seems he is showing his leadership and I am complying without thinking twice where once I would've said "stick it". I know it is outside the supposed "norm" of today's equal society but I am so much happier this way.

Who Says it is the Norm?

Who says it is the norm for the husband to say something and the wife to reply "stick it?" Sure..if I got arbitrary commands, that's what I would say, and he would deserve it, too.

But if he makes a reasonable request I do not say "stick it," I let him know whether and when it is possible for me to take care of an errand for him, let's say. If I'm too busy with other things he won't continue to ask me to do it.


Spanking in anger

I received my first spanking in anger the other day and I must say I preferred it. Moods in my home when angry tend to drag on and on. Now that we have discovered DD and Taken In Hand my husband decided to spank me when I really pissed him off. I did tend to fight this a little more than I do normally because I too was in a bad mood. He hit much harder than normal and there was no lecture at all. He seemed to be concentrating on giving my bottom the attention he thought it deserved.

The result was that he took his agression out on my backside and his mood was lifted. He didn't sulk like he normally does. The misdeed wasn't mentioned over and over again throughout the day which was a pleasant surprise.

I can tolerate the sore bottom as opposed to the crabbiness anytime. The only thing was the after in this punishment. He made me sit on the couch and he left. There was no cuddling or comforting this time. Later there was but I sat quietly till he came back down with a smile on his face. Then he made me correct what I had done and it was over. Normally in my home that could have led to days of us not speaking. It was over in a brief time and we both felt better.

So as long as he keeps his temper in check I myself don't mind being spanked out of anger. The end results seem to be much more to my betterment and it increases the happiness of the home.