Some advice for men seeking a woman

I think most women, not all but most, seek a man who understands that family is not a social event and that the resposiblity of it is on both partners 24/7. There will always be good times and bad. There will be laughter and tears. But if there is trust and love, respect and accountability (by both partners), then there will be a lifetime spent with someone that is friend as well as lover and few if any regrets.

If you men think the feminist movement has tied your hands in the way you feel you have to deal with women, you should be in our shoes. I did not have a say in the feminist point of view, yet I am affected by it daily. I am a RN and have either to deal with the "I am God" doctor personality, or "You're a woman, you should be able to do it as well as any man" type. I was raised a lady, expect men to be polite, open my doors, escort me to my car or front door. There is just something highly unappealling in a man pulling up to the curb and honking for me to join him. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but to me it is a total lack of respect or caring to see our teenage girls today put up with that. I do not like to impose on men, but I always tell one thank you if they do something as casual as open a door for me, even if I am perfectly capable of doing so myself. It is a gesture of respect to me as a woman. It is an alpha male doing something for someone he does not see as inferior, but in need of some sign of caring from him, even if we are perfect strangers.

Many of us from the 60's/70's era, have conflicting views on what roles are male and female. Yes many of us girls went to college not because we wanted to but because it was expect. Many of us tried to be the super mom/professional/wife that all the ads of that day said we should be. I still think some man had a hayday making those up to rub the impossiblity of it in the feminists' noses. As you and so many others of the men who respond and write, most of us females are tired of trying to fit the all or nothing profiles men seem to think we want. Most of us are loving, caring, individuals that seek companionship and guidance from the men in our lives. We do not always want to be equal, but we will insist on being partners. Yes most of us may be professionals, but does that mean we do not like to be feminine, having the big strong male for a mate, a man who sometimes insists on things his way? Absolutely not.

To you hunting men out there, take my advice. Keep looking. You will find the right woman, but like a diamond in the rough, you will need to do a bit of precision cutting and polishing to find her. We are much more restricted in how we act and what we are allowed to say. If we desire a strong man who takes charge in our relationship, we are seen as weak. If we do not have equality (and here I mean complete equality), we are seen as ignorant or stupid. It is difficult for a man to navigate the waters that have come up from the flood of feminism. It is near impossible for the woman. So I encourage and urge you men to learn to listen to your instincts. Watch how we act, listen to the meanings between the lines when we speak. Even read our books. They are written by women for the most part and if there were not so many of us like minded, do you really think they would sell so many of them?

Finally, I urge you to be honest with us. Most of us can take most things as long as there is truth between partners. Most of us male or female have been in a relationship where honesty was absent. It is the most damaging of all to a relationship and by being up-front early on in your relationship, you will find most of us ladies are longing for your type of man.

Libby

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
A man in charge needs to be firm and steady
A man leads with love and kindness
A man released from his pseudo-beta torment
A man with a backbone can be very soothing
A strong willed woman wanting a man to lose against
An alpha female bares her throat only to her mate
Attracting girls as a nice guy with a capacity for violence
Who Stole Feminism? by Christina Hoff Sommers: a book review
Wanting the impossible dream - a man in charge
We should consider ourselves so lucky

2008 Aug 13 - 14:09 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Needles in Haystacks

Brilliant just a wonderful letter, Libby; thanks for posting, I just hope there are more than, say, 5 men out there who are listening, and/or of the type to understand. Thank you again.

by Hane on 2008 Aug 13 - 14:48 | reply to this comment

Less hay, more needles?

Hane,

Is 5 the latest poll of male readers? I hope not. I know men are not as prone to answer these threads, but let us hope many of the single ones are at least paying attention. Unfortunately, for me it is experience speaking. I hope someone else can learn from the mistakes that happened in my relationship and avoid them in their own. Even a couple that has been married for twenty years can still salvage their love if they can be truthful with each other. It is never too late but if it is there in the beginning they will never be facing the same heartache some of the rest of us have gone through.

Libby

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Aug 13 - 22:58 | reply to this comment

never too late

I used to think it was never too late, but now at 59 I am beginning to think I was wrong. I am standing on a lone dirt road watching the sun begin to set. I pray others at the beginning of their journey will listen. Find one another, love one another, learn together. This is how men and women were meant to be. Give of yourself everything you have, he will slay your dragons, she will make you a king.

by Hane on 2008 Aug 17 - 04:10 | reply to this comment

It is never too late...

Hane,

I was saddened by your comments regarding your thoughts that it was too late...

I really do believe that it is never too late to find happiness - if not in romantic love, then in platonic love.

Please move away from your lone dirt road into the grassy area. There is someone waiting for you!

M-

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Aug 19 - 01:02 | reply to this comment

I have miles to go before I sleep.......

"I have to teach myself not to read so much into things, it comes from so long of reading too much into hardly anything."

From The English Patient

youtube the shower scene from Casino Royale

by Hane on 2008 Aug 20 - 14:16 | reply to this comment

What is age?

Hane, I too am saddened you feel this way. I am nearly 49 (just a couple of months now) and have been separated for nearly four. Today I called the lawyer to draw up the divorce papers. I think I have waited so long because a small spark had hoped he would see the light. It was a waste of four years. I finally feel free and happy for the first time since I can ever remember. No there are still the "bad" days more often than not but that is the way of loneliness. But you have to make yourself happy, and let the cards fall where they may.

Last weekend at work, my happiness must have been shining because men started to notice. Men I have been seeing off and on for six months started to smile back. None of these men affect me in regards of romantic interest (well, maybe one) but it was the difference of my eyes reflecting my smile that caught their attention. If you want to find happiness with another partner, you have to find it within yourself first.

I know it is hard. No one has said it is not. But you have to want the happiness first to find the love. I now have enough hope for both of us so go find your happiness. The rest will come on its heels.

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Aug 21 - 01:50 | reply to this comment

Happiness

Libby, how kind you are to write such a lovely post. Thank you so. I have a very active full life, I work for an organization that is a partnership for a 3rd world country. That is my happiness, I travel there a couple times a year to buy their art which helps sustain them, the selling/profits of which, goes back to help them yet again. I have been thinking it might be time for me to go there to live the next part of my life. My daughter is almost out of the house, and although she will never fly away as other children do, she has a kind man who loves her and they are to be married hopefully in the not too distant future. But living there will come at a cost. However full my days would be, the nights would still be without arms to hold me, a shoulder to lean on. I have never imagined my life without a partner. Being seen there as a meal ticket or a way out of poverty creates a mine field full of relationship dangers. I have had and have even now, more than my share of male attention. But not the right kind. To have finally found a name for the kind of relationship I need, is a great joy and a great sadness. Had I known sooner I was not unique and not alone, would have changed my life. I am at a stepping off point in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am being slowly pushed from behind, my toes right at the edge of the cliff. Disaster or freedom? I can't tell from where I am standing. Doesn't sound as if I am a joyful person overall, but I am. I am well liked for my abundant energy, sense of humor and enthusiasm for everything I do. My musings here are an outlet I wouldn't ordinarily have, an outlet for my fears and deep longings. I am grateful I have a place to put my thoughts, usually written at the end of a long day when I am especially tired and things seem bleakest. Thank you again, kind heart, for your thoughtfulness.

Patricia~ aka Hane

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Aug 21 - 13:45 | reply to this comment

Happiness....

Hey Hane! I am glad I could make you feel good even if for only the time you had taken to read my post. I feel the same as you much of the time. Since moving to Tennessee six months ago, I have felt like you, stading at the edge of the abyss. I have never lived completely alone without friends or family near before. It has been an eye opener and I am facing fears and worries I never had before. So I understand what you are going through a bit.

Just try to remember that love happens in its own time and its own way. Someday that special man will see you and decide to make you aware of it. Try to be patient. It is very hard I know but I think it will happen. My great-grandfather lost granny when I was 4 and he was around 50. He remarried a wonderful woman when he was 88. So even though many despair, when they least expected it, found love. If you give up, you will miss the signs. Try to keep it in your heart and I believe it will all work out for you.

Warmest Regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Aug 22 - 20:23 | reply to this comment

Paying attention

Be assured, some of us are.

by Carl on 2008 Sep 11 - 22:23 | reply to this comment

Hopes Derived From The Past

--) I used to think it was never too late, but now at 59 I am beginning to think I was wrong. (--

I am almost sure I am wrong, after holding such high hopes for SO LONG. The woman I wish for either does not exist or hides herself beneath the radar. At this point in my life, I truly believe I will die alone, and thusly have given up the active search for a companion who will last at least for the remainder of my life. There was one recent possibility, but she eventually proved herself to be wrong for me, and I based all on her. She is out of my life now, and I have no hopes for another. I think I am even numb to the desire for anyone else. I am too old for another "chase", so dig my grave and let me crawl in.

--) I am standing on a lone dirt road watching the sun begin to set. (--

Hmm, the sun is just BEGINNING to set? Wow, there is still hope for you. The sun HAS set here, and it is QUITE **DARK** where I am.

--) Give of yourself everything you have, he will slay your dragons, she will make you a king. (--

My ACTIVE seach for THIS scenario has ended. I still have, at least momentarily, the FAINT hope that this will happen. This hope is dying rapidly. This is MAINLY because almost ALL the women **I** meet are "Man Wannabees", and that is VERY **UNATTRACTIVE** to me.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2008 Oct 5 - 01:41 | reply to this comment

Never TOO LATE?

????NEVER???? too late? I wonder.

--) I really do believe that it is never too late to find happiness - if not in romantic love, then in platonic love. (--

Say WHAT? What sort of happiness can be found in "Platonic Love"? This sort of thing can be found in man-to-man or woman-to-woman relationships. Sorry, but I find no thrill in the prospect of a "love" relationship with a man, and a platonic relationship with a woman would be IDENTICAL in NATURE.

Platonic Love does not make it, NOT by a LONG shot. I can have a platonic love with any animate being, whether it be human or animal. This will NOT gain me ANY sort of happiness, or EVEN contentment.

Don't tell me I can have a HAPPY and CONTENT platonic relationship. I'm NOT built that way. I have MANY platonic relationships. NONE of them provide me with what I TRULY desire.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2008 Oct 5 - 02:18 | reply to this comment

Great Joy And Great Sadness

--) I have never imagined my life without a partner. (--

Hmm, I have, for quite a while. This imagination has been within a quite tangible source of reality.

--) My musings here are an outlet I wouldn't ordinarily have, an outlet for my fears and deep longings. (--

As they are for me. My TRUE desires have YET to be resolved outside of the realm of fantasy.

--) I am grateful I have a place to put my thoughts, usually written at the end of a long day when I am especially tired and things seem bleakest. (--

As am I. My thoughts are bleakest at the most unusual parts of the day, since I have irregular working hours, but this still rings true. I post here when I feel depressed, and it DOES help.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2008 Oct 5 - 02:49 | reply to this comment

I am glad some of you guys are doing so....

Carl, I am thankful some of you gentlemen are listening and posting here. I have been caught up in a family crisis that has kept me away from this wonderful site for far too long. My apologies to those that were expecting quicker replies.

I hope those of you men who do not routinely post are still listening. My message in this original post was as much for women as men, to give us all hope of finding that one person that will love us, make us happy for the rest of our lives. I believe that is possible for all of us, we just have to keep hope in our heart.

by Libby on 2008 Oct 5 - 23:17 | reply to this comment

An echo from the silence....

Thank you for speaking up Carl. Sometimes we women have to wonder if you men are there at all. I wish more would input their thoughts and concerns to this blog. It helps to have both sides of the coin. A woman cannot always see the man's take on situations. It definitely helps to know you guys are at least paying attention, if not participating.

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 6 - 19:07 | reply to this comment

Don't lose hope...

Mike, I am sorry things did not work out for you with your last relationship. I too after having a brief relationship with a gentleman that I had hopes of being “the one” felt that there was no use in searching any longer. I was betrayed by my best friend, also a man, who threatened him and now have not only lost two of the most important men in my life, but now have to deal with the very real possibility of a stalker situation. I am dealing with this appropriately. But I also know that my future love interest will never find me if I do not look also. In four years, no man has “discovered” me. My last relationship was a direct result of my actively searching. So please, please do not give up all hope yet. The woman you seek is still out there, looking for you. From your posts, I feel you are a loving and caring soul and deserve happiness. Don’t let this undermine your future. Keep your courage and hope alive. The numbness will go away and if you do not hold hope in your heart, it will fill with bitterness.

As for your comment on “man wannabees”, perhaps it is the area you have been hunting in that is the problem. Of course I may be misunderstanding the context you are using this in. Are these women dykes? All mannerisms being man-ish? Or are you speaking of strong willed, self-confident women? I am definitely one of these latter ones. My build is very petite for my size, my hair is long, I am as comfortable in heels and dresses as I am in jeans. I do not have any man-like tendencies unless someone attacks me verbally or physically. Then I can be the Hellcat others tease me of being. I will back down from some confrontations, but I will still try to remain the one in control until it is resolved. Others, I will go toe to toe with anyone, male or female. Just the way I was raised. But not even those that barely know me will believe that I am “man-ish” in the way I act or speak. I am female in form and thought. But I am also a very strong person, I had to be to survive the things that have happened to me during my lifetime.

In some of your postings I have come to believe that you wish for a soft, submissive female but that you have some latent “sadistic tendencies”. Perhaps in fact, you really wish for a stronger woman that can match you in passion and love, someone you do not always have to hold back with, someone that can make your blood burn from the physical as well as the passionate tussle that would result from maintaining a dominant hold on her? Perhaps you should rethink what it is you truly wish from a woman as a mate and then start the hunt again. It could simply be that you are looking for the wrong one.

Warmest Regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 6 - 19:42 | reply to this comment

Thoughts too dark....

Mike, we all need a way to sound off and for us that post here, this is our way. Most of us are more comfortable with the written form than the spoken. It is good that you can find respite in this form when thoughts of darkness fill you. I too have come to this site for just such reasons and was doing my own soul searching when I discovered it.

You have stated “My TRUE desires have YET to be resolved outside of the realm of fantasy”. Why is this? Have you not found the right woman? Is this why your relationships continue to fail? You have already decided to stop trying for what you want, yet you are still so young. It breaks my heart to hear the despair beneath your words. But only you can make you happy. I think you need to take some time to rethink what it is you truly want from a woman, then think about what sort of woman that would be. When you are finally, completely honest with yourself, I think you will find her and the love and mate you are seeking.

With warmest regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 6 - 19:56 | reply to this comment

A Shred Of Hope Yet Remains

--) But I also know that my future love interest will never find me if I do not look also. (--

I understand that, and I have not totally abandoned the search. I have throttled back on it and am not intensly active in the search, but I have not abandoned it.

--) As for your comment on "man wannabees", perhaps it is the area you have been hunting in that is the problem. Of course I may be misunderstanding the context you are using this in. (--

What I meant was a woman who acts and talks like a man and other than anatomical qualities is completely devoid of femininity. This is in spite of the way she may be attired.

--) Or are you speaking of strong willed, self-confident women? (--

A strong-willed woman CAN have detectable feminine traits. The women of which I speak have none.

--) Just the way I was raised. But not even those that barely know me will believe that I am "man-ish" in the way I act or speak. (--

I seriously doubt that what I have just described fits your personality in any manner.

--) Perhaps in fact, you really wish for a stronger woman that can match you in passion and love, someone you do not always have to hold back with, someone that can make your blood burn from the physical as well as the passionate tussle that would result from maintaining a dominant hold on her? (--

There was one woman in my life who was just exactly that, more than three decades ago. Our relationship lasted nearly two years. Even though it ended very badly, I still have fond memories of her.

--) Perhaps you should rethink what it is you truly wish from a woman as a mate and then start the hunt again. It could simply be that you are looking for the wrong one. (--

There is no rethinking of what I want. I KNOW what I want. But I do agree that I should start the hunt again.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2008 Oct 7 - 19:09 | reply to this comment

"Still So Young"?

--) You have stated "My TRUE desires have YET to be resolved outside of the realm of fantasy". (--

Actually, I did have ONE relationship that very closely resembled fantasy over thirty years ago, as I mentioned in my previous post. Since then I have been married twice, divorced once, and widowed once. My first wife was a flash in the pan, with the divorce being final within less than five months of the marriage. The second marriage lasted nearly twenty five years, but it was far from being an ideal marriage. We seriously considered divorce on numerous occasions. Suffice it to say it was a very stressful marriage.

--) You have already decided to stop trying for what you want, yet you are still so young. (--

Yep, at the tender age of 56, I still have much to learn. :-D

Seriously, though, I truly haven't given up. I've just taken time out for my head to heal from beating it against this brick wall.

--) I think you need to take some time to rethink what it is you truly want from a woman, then think about what sort of woman that would be. When you are finally, completely honest with yourself, I think you will find her and the love and mate you are seeking. (--

As I said in my previous post, the "rethink" is unnecessary. I know what I want and I refuse to settle for less. As for being honest with myself, I think I am, at least within the realm of being humanly possible.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2008 Oct 7 - 19:59 | reply to this comment

Of hope and dreams...

Mike, I am very glad to hear you have not given up all hope yet. This is a much more positive posting and I am thankful to hear it. I lived in darkness and despair for over 25 years and have sworn to never go there again. I hope you can find the light in your darkness also.

With warmest regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 8 - 02:36 | reply to this comment

Had my own concussion...

Mike, Enough said, my friend. I barely survived my own concussion from wall banging. I agree if you are certain you know what you want, then you cannot settle for less because it will only turn into yet another disaster. Trust me, I speak from experience on this one. I too have set my standards and will not lower them. I am also glad that you are being honest with yourself. That was the toughest lesson I had to learn and when I did, I escaped the marriage that haunted me. If you can do that, then you have won half the battle. Good luck in your next hunt.

Warmest regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 8 - 02:45 | reply to this comment

Looking and wondering

Thank you Libby for your comments as well thank all the others for their comments..

It seems to me that far too many are looking for that bad boy image or looking only skin deep. Thank you though Libby for the encouragement and advice, but sometimes it is just not enough. I have asked myself so many times where are the women who desire the same things I do out of a relationship and later marriage.

by Les M on 2008 Oct 12 - 23:55 | reply to this comment

More than difficult

Reading this thread of posts I felt strangely reminded of my own fears and hopes. Yet, I am 38 and feel like the world and my life has come to an end and there is no hope in this life for a true and fulfilling relationship (after one more or less platonic marriage the last 20 years).

I absolutely though agree that it is better to be alone than to settle for second best. However, looking at my friends, it seems to be difficult enough to find a partner that does not have that special character and strength, and looking for somebody special like we do really leaves you with almost no option.

Therefore, I do feel like/with you, whether female or male. I guess the only reasonable thing to do is, fill the "rest" of one's life with meaningful activities, jobs and friends that provide you with a feeling of contentment and happiness - and let fate play its cards and maybe we are lucky and stumble over the perfect match. I know it's an empty phrase never to give up hope and keep a positive attitude, but then again, it is the only option available.

by Modesty on 2008 Oct 17 - 20:22 | reply to this comment

The perfect match

Personally, I never met anyone who was the 'perfect match'. Perhaps, rather than thinking of settling for someone as less than perfect as 'second best', you might look on it as simply being realistic and not waiting for perfection - which may never turn up.

Louise

by Louise C on 2008 Oct 18 - 16:01 | reply to this comment

Pause and take a breath....

Les, the women you seek are looking for men like you too. It is something that needs time to make the discovery of each other. I know those of us that are aging feel like life is passing us by, but we can make the most of it if we try. Most of us do not do the types of activities that the younger generations do to meet their peers. I have discovered many men in my age range are reverting to online dating to meet women. Unfortunately this is a difficult way to evaluate a stranger. It is however, a way to start a conversation and begin meeting others. I have used this method and have met more men on line in the last two months, than the last 4 years. You have to be careful because there are predators of both sexes that also use these services, but because you only communicate through the service, your personal information is protected and you are able to control how much the other knows about you. It is one of the options available to you. Only you can determine the type of person you are seeking so I cannot offer any advice in finding her, only ways to look. But one thing I can tell you is that if you stop actively seeking for her, she will never be found. Do not give up, just pause, gather your breath and then move forward again.

Warmest regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 21 - 00:03 | reply to this comment

Step by step...

Modesty, I am sorry to hear someone so young sound so defeated. I was in a nightmare of a marriage but after three years of being separated, decided that staying lonely was a win for my ex and I would not give him that satisfaction. So here I am, trying to find the right man for me. I will not give up my search even if he is never found. If I do not actively seek him, how will he be found? It is easy to say this, another to live it. But I keep my courage up and force myself to keep going one step at a time, even if it seems to be uphill with each one. You have to make a decision to be proactive in this. If you can do that, then the rest will flow.

Warmest Regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 21 - 00:17 | reply to this comment

Not perfection...it is character

Louise, I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think any of us are speaking of “perfection” here. We are discussing the characteristics in a partner that would be essential to maintain a loving and happy relationship. None of us are perfect. Nor should we expect perfection from our partners. Each of us has our own quirks, and we have to be accepting of those in others. But there are some characteristics that would be essential to how each of us perceive a Taken In Hand partner should be. It is this set of characteristics that I suggest that we stand firm on in our choices. If a person settles for less than that, they may find themselves involved with a partner that not only is not what we desire, but may not understand what we need. I still believe passionately that the man that I want and need has to have the strength and leadership skills or characteristics to be able to fulfill them. I could never settle for less, because to do so would be to admit there is no such person out there and I do not believe that.

Warmest regards

Libby

by Libby on 2008 Oct 21 - 00:44 | reply to this comment

Dark before Dawn

I feel like I have been sleeping all my life and am just waking up, to who and what I am and to what I need in my life. I understand, Mike, very much, how tiresome and hard it is to try again, and again. So many things to open up about, to share with a new person, and the older we get, the longer the list. Such a complicated life, when all I want is calm simplicity. Like running on a treadmill and some evil being keeps turning up the speed. I think there are more of us out there than we imagine. I don't think we have to "settle" but I think that we have to be more creative. Look deeper, give more and better indications of what we need from each other, allow yourself to be surprised. If I think back on all my relationships over the years, for the good and the bad, I find it's a real mixed bag. So no one has everything you need, I have to ask myself what will, in the end, suit me. I pray I will find a Taken In Hand relationship/marriage/or facsimile. But sometimes I too, think I will never find the right person for me, it's the bottom of the 7th inning, I am a long way from home.

by Hane on 2008 Oct 25 - 05:55 | reply to this comment

Advice for women seeking

My advice is, be strong enough to be weak, and tell the feminists who pester you to go sit on a tack. Nothing else could be so attractive to the kind of man you are looking for.

I wish you well,
Shreve

by Shreve on 2008 Oct 26 - 23:25 | reply to this comment

Howl at the moon

Would be lovely to sit down with a good cup of Haitian coffee and howl at the moon. Small world.

by Hane on 2008 Oct 29 - 16:04 | reply to this comment

As a man I'm afraid your stan

As a man I'm afraid your stance on feminism is akin to throwing the baby out with the bath water. Just because some men have forgotten what their gender roles are supposed to be doesn't mean that the feminist movement was ineffective. There has always been strong men and weak men. The feminist movement didn't change any of that. Or do you think that every man pre-feminism was a gentleman willing to come rescue you in his white horse? That's rubbish at best and wishful thinking at worst. Be careful what you wish for.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2009 Oct 6 - 23:20 | reply to this comment

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