She may not know it yet, but I'm taking her in hand

We have just begun our Taken In Hand relationship, my wife and I. She doesn't yet know she's in a Taken In Hand relationship. We've been married for over six years. And I can only describe our existence together until now as annoying! In a lot of respects I am a traditionalist. And she is too. We have both had our internal struggles regarding the roles of men and women in society and marriage. And our struggles—due to societal pressures—have caused us quite a bit of trouble.

That part of me that desires to be distinctly male and masculine has always been met with society's pressure to be soft and gentle and tender. I can be all of those things—and have been—and even enjoy being them. The problem is that the assertive, aggressive problem-solving part of me, that is, the real and true me—has no place to express itself when problems arose in our marriage. It seems I couldn't get my wife to comply with my requests—no matter how many times I made a particular request gently and sweetly and lovingly—until I raised my voice!

She would then feel bad for forgetting and I would feel bad for yelling. We would both hibernate until we could effectively and emotionally sweep the unsolved issue under the rug. Sometimes we would be gone for a day or more. This facilitated growing resentment. She was an expert at walking over the humps in the rug—seemingly without feeling a thing. And my emotional feet were sensitive. I couldn't take a single step without feeling the slightest discomfort from unsolved pebbles.

The part of her that desires to be distinctly female and feminine has been met with the same kind of pressure for independence and aggressiveness (as opposed to assertiveness: an excellent trait). The imposition has caused her confusion and lots self-esteem issues. And too many a time she wondered out loud, often and seriously, “Why do you love me?” Boy oh boy what a mountain to climb!

Well, just as I was about to become resigned to the fact that this was the way it was going to be for the rest of my life (I convinced myself that most if not all marriages are probably this way), I stumbled upon your website. I was looking for something on self-discipline and as I search I was eventually wallowing in the myriad of spanking sites on the internet.

My wife had asked me to spank her about a year ago so that was running through my mind as I surfed. But when I spanked her last year it was so against the grain of everything that I had been taught at home and in society, that I was very uncomfortable with it. Yet I was intrigued—and excited at these images. But I confess this stuff was much too strong for me. I love my wife and I didn't want her to lose herself. Result: the spanking thing ceased to be exciting for me because it seemed to me that it would be emotionally injurious to her.

But when I stumbled upon Taken In Hand I learned that I could (and should—and I do) love, cherish, respect and lead my wife and yet still give her the female charge she needed from a spanking while paradoxically receiving the male charge I needed.

One night we were sitting in the den. I had been hanging around your sight for a couple weeks. I was beginning to again appreciate my masculinity. I'd wanted to make a move on the first day but was a little too nervous. But this day— all of sudden—I heard myself saying, “———, come over here” with a firm gentleness. I had her stand next to me as I sat on the sofa, and made it clear that I was going to spank her. I had her lay across my knees with her bare behind exposed. With shock (and excitement) she obediently (submissively) complied.

But it wasn't just her behind that was exposed. It was also her heart. And I considered it the greatest gift that a woman could give to her man. And that's exactly what I told her. And as I gently caressed her “heart” I told her how much I love her. I told her how much I cherish her. I told her how much protecting her heart was a privilege and that this deep exposure of her inner being would be protected for life and at all costs. I let her know that it has brought out the man in me and my desire is to protect the woman in her. And I meant and still mean every word of it.

After warming her up I proceeded to assert my authority as lover, leader and head of our household. I told her, “You are under new management.” To my surprise she said, “I like that!” She turned to face me and gave me the biggest, warmest, most connecting hug we had shared in a long, long time. The rest of that night is history a blind man can see!

It's been 6 weeks or so since we began a Taken In Hand relationship. We have not made any rules. But I have had to put my hand over her “heart” a couple of times a week. Both sexual excitement, connection and love; and because (we both agreed) she had disappointed me about something.

Prior to having this outlet for my natural masculine assertiveness, I would have been ticked off about every little thing. The pebbles that went under the rug prior to this aren't really pebbles anymore! They just don't seem as big as they used to. They are not spank-worthy. I think it would have been a mistake for me to make a bunch of rules spawned by these little things. I cherish and value her freedom. She respects and submits to my authority.

I am leaving Taken In Hand in the history on our computer hoping that one day she will stumble upon it. I'm curious as to how far she wants to go. It would seem odd for a man to introduce this style of love. But, I think, if we went no farther than where we are—we're doing OK. Darned OK!


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Stumbling on it

Why leave it in the computer and hope that she'll stumble on it? why not show it to her? If it's helped you it might help her too, so why not share it with her?

I don't personally believe that the desire to be dominant or submissive is a specifically masculine/feminine thing, since I often encounter men on other sites who are yearning for a woman to be in charge, spank them etc.

My husband is aggresive, assertive, problem-solving etc, but he can also be soft and tender and is, in fact, generally more sentimental than I am. I think people can be a mixture, not just one thing or the other. 'Masculine' and 'feminine' can be rather restrictive descriptions of people.

Being spanked has never made me feel emotionally vulnerable, but opening up to my husband about how I felt about our relationship, and how I could like it to change, definitely did. and this site was a great help to me in doing that. I think it would be a good thingif you shared your discovery with your wife.


I myself have been hanging ar

I myself have been hanging around this website for a few months now and am extremley intrigued by all of the articles. My wish would be for my husband to act just in the way you have with your wife, I too am hoping that he will stumble across the website through the history on our pc!!
I live in hope

I too have been yearning for my husband to take me in hand

I realized my true desire to live just the way this site describes in so many loveing relationships--- I think over a year ago. I began to regularly visit this site and many others to explore and fanticize. I tried to explain my wants and needs to my husband but he is strongly against hitting a woman and he doesn't understand that this is not the same as abuse. I desperately want to consent to non consent and I told him that I am not alone. I never had the courage to show him this site or any others. I eventually dropped activly surfing online and bugging him. I ran away from my submissive desires because I knew they would not be met. We have a wonderful marriage of over twelve years with two beautiful children and I am so truly blessed.

I finally realized that my fondness for all the movies with stories that depict traditional loving households with very dominent men have all been clues. I began to surf the site again a few weeks ago and I am almost inwardly obsessed with changing myself to relate in a more feminine way towards him that wil hopefully bring out his buried dominant male personality-- and our courtship had these very same male/female interactions.

I am a very opinionated, strong-willed, and independant woman-- a true Feminist (or so I thought). I am starting to understand the magic of "acting as if" because if I react differently to him instrad of yelling back at him; he will react to my new reactions. It is showing very small strides towards a hopeful outcome. In the past, he has always raised his voice in a dominant male assertive display of authority but I always crush hime with " Just leave that 1950s head of the household mentality with your parents cause it won't work with your educated/career minded wife"

He'll be home any minute and I have to finish cooking our dinner...

I want to be taken in hand also

I stumbled across this website, and I just can't get enough. I recently quit my job to be a housewife. My husband has said over and over that he is in the wrong era. That he wants a stay-at-home wife to take care of him. I gave him his wish. I also started acting as if he is taking me in hand. He does not know that I have began to do this but he sure is enjoying it. It turns him on for me to give him control and be the head of the household. I want him to put me in my place. I hope he will soon:) I plan on showing him this site so he can feel more secure in taking charge of me.


Housewives and Taken In Hand

I am glad that you are happy and that you and your husband both enjoy your way of living.

However, I think it is important to remember that being a housewife and being Taken In Hand do not necessarily go together. Plenty of women in Taken In Hand relationships are not housewives, and there are lots of housewives who are not Taken In Hand. Whether or not you are Taken In Hand is, I believe a matter of temperement rather than occupation.


housewives & taken in hand

I don't think it's necessary every time someone makes the link between their Taken In Hand relationship and being a housewife to mention these two are not automatically linked. They obviously aren't, but the same is so with spanking and Taken In Hand, yet when a woman says something like "last night I got my first spanking. . I feel so taken-in-hand," she doesn't have to be reminded that Taken In Hand doesn't automatically include spanking, for some it does, some it doesn't, yadda, yadda. The fact is that for SOME, being a housewife absolutely is part of their Taken In Hand relationship. It sounds like it is for proudwifenicole above. She says her husband "wants a stay-at-home wife to take care of him. I gave him his wish." It didn't sound like either of them (certainly not him since he doesn't even know what Taken In Hand is) feels she HAS to be at home in order to follow the "rules" of Taken In Hand.

I understand the importance of not preaching that one MUST include the other, but when people on this site simply refer to the dynamics of their own Taken In Hand relationship including the wife being at home, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt that they realize not everyone else's relationship does. I work outside the home and feel it has little relevance as to whether I'm Taken In Hand or not, but just don't see the need to endlessly remind everyone of it. Sorry, it just touched a nerve for some reason.


To Lucy

I am sorry my mentioning of this point offended you. It is important to me because I like the fact that Taken In Hand does not seem to pander to any stereotyping of what a woman is or should be. However I promise you I will never mention it again.


No worries, Louise

It takes a lot more than this to offend me, but I appreciate your response. It's more like it irked me for some reason. Hey, and don't make promises you can't keep—there may be completely appropriate times when someone gets on their soapbox preaching that every woman should stay at home. You have my full support to really sock it to them in that case!

To Lucy

That's very gracious of you. However, I shall be away for the next two weeks, so you will be spared my irksome comments for that period anyway!


Working and Taken In Hand

I wouldn`t think that people believe that Taken In Hand and being a housewife are the only solution of this kind of relationship. I think with most people it depends on whether they can afford to have only one paycheck or not and whether they would get frustrated with "only" working at home.
Money dosen`t grow on trees for us, so my extra paycheck comes in handy and I love working part time, I would get very frustrated staying at home all the time. Plus I only go to work 2 days a week and we have enough holidays (about 20 a year) and vacation (six weeks a year)in Germany that there is still plenty of time and days were I can "take care" of my husbands needs and my own needs by going out making some money and meeting other people. It`s very important to me to stay somehow independent. What if something would happen to him, then I would have to take care of myself. Even though we have life insurance, but I`m sure being a single housewife wouldn`t be very satisfying.

The Heart

Hello Gray Seal,
I so muched loved your write.It is the "heart" that we want touched. I am a wife of a husband and we have been struggling with what we want. I came across this site about a year ago. I just recently pulled it back up. I do know what you are saying and very well written! I Do hope I can share your stories and this site with my husband so that we can have that relationship. Thank you Tonya

The male perspective

I always enjoy getting the male perspective, so thank you. Just curious, if your wife hadn't asked you to spank her before, would it have ever crossed your mind? Would stumbling on this site and seeing the benefits many couples derive have been enough for you to take her over your knee without her ever mentioning she wanted it? And lastly, since you mention spanking her for "sexual excitement, connection and love; and because (we both agreed) she had disappointed me about something," do the spankings differ in spirit, severity, etc.? Taking the lead seems to come more and more naturally to my husband as time goes on, but spanking does not. I just wanted to hear your point of view.

The male perspective

If my wife had never asked me to spank her before, it might have crossed my mind. But I probably would not have given it a try. The reason? I attempted—quite spontaneously—to spank a woman years ago and she was intensely repulsed by it. And I was embarrased and felt ashamed of myself.

It is possible, however, that I may have given it another try (not with the same woman) after seeing the Taken in Hand website. I'm not quite sure how I would have led into it. But I'm certain that it wouldn't have been an "out of the blue" surprise for her. I would have to get some idea that she would be receptive to it.

Most of our spankings so far have been part sexual excitement and part discipline excitement. None have been discipline alone and that's o.k. with me. She gets charge up sexually by being spanked. I get charged up sexually by administering discipline. We start sexually but she understands that discipline is coming.

The discipline is sandwiched in between light patting on the bottom(the warmup) and verbal reasurrances of love, affection, respect, trust and cherishing. The light pats increase ever so slightly until they are on the edge of discomfort.

At this point I'll stop and we'll have a short conversation about where she has disappointed me. I'll solicit her opinion and/or excuse on the matter. And then I'll proceed applying my bare hand to her exposed behind.

The severity of this part of the spanking and the scolding that accompanies it will depend on the legitimacy of her excuse. But it always stings at least enough for me to have to hold her hand back from the natural reflex to protect herself.

But that one time she really disappointed me, and we both agreed about it, I scolded her severely and brought her to the verge of tears as I spanked her.

The spanking usually ends as the hard strokes decrease ever so slightly until I am again giving light pats and verbal reasurrances of love, affection, respect, trust and cherishing. Each "session" has ended pretty much the same way: Warm embraces, tender kisses and intense lovemaking.

Some might say that this is solely for sexual excitement. Maybe. But I am seeing changes in her behavior in response to the things she's been disciplined about. As a matter of fact, she's been so good lately (the small infractions are less important to me now) that it's hard to find a reason to discipline.

My guess is: if your husband is slowly coming in to "taking the lead" he probably will not spank you unless you solicit him in some way. But if he responds to your solicitation you might fast forward him in to a more active leadership role in your marriage—and more spankings.

Leopards don't change spots

Good description. Lucky her.

It's a shame that some men are put off when they're younger because quite a good few women would never countenance being spanked so men assume they shouldn't do it or there's something wrong with them for wanting to. Hopefully the wider range of information available to people and more open discussions about subjects might make that less. I never felt I was aberrant in liking it because I was lucky enough to stumble on books in libraries (I did some very thorough research which is probably rare for a mid teen although I suppose now done just as thoroughly on line).

I think most inherently dominant men with a desire to take women in hand and a reasonably high sex drive over the years (unless they marry at 18 or something) probably do experiment but some will never be into this at all and some women just have to accept that (and some men have to accept their wives would never allow it).

The other side of the coin

Well after 35 years of courtship and marriage, I was struck with the sincerity behind this article.

In our early relationship (before marriage and before kids) I played the Helen Reddy song: "I am Woman" hoping to spark some kind of reaction. Or quote some famous woman's slogan of those years (burning the bra was big then). And I got the reaction I wanted. I controlled the situation; I was spanked; I laughed and he pretended to be stern.

After kids his business became time consuming; I gained weight; I lost my self esteem and resented his job. He had to go out of town sometimes for months at a time while I stayed home with the kids. Those lost years brought us to a few encounters but none of them satisfying for either of us. Although I do remember one "discussion" about finances that I still keep in mind when I go to a store. LOL He doesn't even remember the encounter.

Kids grew up and left home (finally the last one moved out a couple months ago). I had two surgeries that were quite serious this year. And we had our home back.

Not the fighting and screaming that you describe; the deadlier kind: silence.

We had become good friends; the marriage was boring. I lived a virtual life; he sat in front of the tv.

My biggest fault is procrastionation. I procrastinate about everything—cleaning the house; doing the grocery shopping; cooking—and I found myself searching for a self discipline guide on the internet. Like you, I found this place. Like you, I have not shared the site with my husband. Like you it made me think.

What I thought about was that in those 35 years I had never once submitted voluntarily to my husband's authority. I had gone along with; (as I said before) altered my thinking about spending (LOL) or fought inside myself, chaffing against my husband. I controlled through devious channels.

This site made me realize that I needed to change. I started talking to my husband about things that I felt; emotions I kept buried; frustrations; even jealousies. I have never ever done that before. Then I asked my husband to help me be more responsible for myself by helping me reinforce my own decisions. In other words, holding me accountable for what I wanted to change in myself. He was surprised; he was shocked; he was responsive.

We are a work in progress but we are trying.