I lived a life that wasn't right for me for reasons I have yet to understand. I do know that whatever those reasons are, they were major factors, probably the only meaningful factors, that caused the death of a marriage before it even started. I am reasonably sure that, absent those factors, the marriage would never have taken place.
The ultimate blame for all this is simply that I didn't know who I was deep down inside, nor did it matter. I had no direction in life and I had no strong desires, except one that was crushed by poor vision. I wanted to be a pilot, but that was impossible for someone like me, who is legally blind without corrective lenses. That was my one real passion in life as a teen before reality took its toll.
After I learned of the bad news, I took it as a final disappointment from a lifetime of disappointments. I allowed life to bounce me around until it bounced me through several bad relationships, a nearly perfect one that should never have ended, several more bad ones, a miserable marriage and a period of total aimlessness until I began to realize that I need to take charge of my life. For that to happen, I really needed to find out who I am and what I want.
Then a journey to self-realization started, and it almost began without me. It was a long process that started a few years after my divorce, with an author by the name of John Norman. Who would have thought that the most important sequence of events would have been sparked by a pile of old dog-eared paperbacks? Among those dusty volumes were a few episodes of the Gor series. Needless to say, I really enjoyed reading them. At that time, though, my enjoyment stemmed from my bitterness and hatred toward women in general, because of several bad relationships culminating with my divorce. I never dreamed that what was described in those books could even be discussed, let alone lived.
Some years later a Baptist friend of mine invited me to his house for supper. I don't remember what we ate, but I was fascinated by the way he and his wife interacted. He would occasionally tell her to do something and she did it with a smile. My brain sizzled with a total lack of comprehension and a very odd sense of pleasure as I observed them. I made no comment to either of them concerning my thoughts on their behavior, but it was really then that I wished I could have a wife like she was.
Later on I discovered BDSM through the Internet. I enjoyed reading about it too, even though I never personally considered indulging in that lifestyle. But my friend and his wife had something that seemed to be missing in BDSM, and I couldn't quite figure it out. It seemed that whatever it was, BDSM came very close, but still missed the target.
Then one day I found a story, supposedly true, that described a teen boy with an older woman. He was the one that initiated their first and subsequent encounters, and it was quite an interesting tale. But what was most intriguing was his sense of control throughout the entire narration. It really struck a chord with me. He was describing me, the way I should have been. That is when I knew I had to change into the man I ought to have been all this time. That is the time the relationship between my Baptist friend and his wife finally made sense.
It made me realize that maybe my best relationship probably didn't have to end. With her I was “dominant” and she was “submissive” long before I understood the importance of the concepts and what they truly mean to me. I “took” her by “force”. I should have at least tried to “hold” her by “force”. I may have been able to keep her with me just by uttering the simple words “don't go”. But it's too late now and I will never know how it would have ended had I done as I should have.
Shortly after I read the story and the gushing flood of regrets, emotions, and realizations that followed it, I started reading the posts of a married submissive woman who regularly frequents the news groups. In one post she mentioned “www.takeninhand.com” and that hooked me in. By that time I was already in the process of changing, but the writers here gave me some excellent material to work with.