If I asked my husband to do something and he said 'no' it would be because he had a reason for not doing it, even if it was something he simply didn't want to do, I can't imagine he would ever say 'no' with the deliberate intention of hurting me, nor can I see how that would benefit our relationship in the least.
If the man doesn't say “no” sometimes, or if he has to state a good reason for saying “no”, then who is in charge? The man or the woman to whom he is “answerable”?
How does a leader set limits without saying “no”? Perhaps he precludes the request in advance by telling her that she can't have certain things. But that impedes communication.
If she can't ask for something without it being mandatory that he grant it, then she stops asking for things unless she is sure it is what he wants. In that case, she has taken charge in the relationship. She is leading, anticipating his needs and making decisions accordingly.
For my wife and me, it's the other way around. She asks. Sometimes I say “no”. Sometimes I give a reason, and when I do, sometimes the reason is pretty arbitrary.
Sometimes I just say, “no”.
I get to do that, because I am in charge. I get to make the decisions. If she doesn't like it, she tells me. I listen. Sometimes I am swayed by her, but usually not. Usually I have already taken her needs/wants/desires into account. I'm the one who anticipates and makes decisions.
But, even when I say “no”, I remember what she asked for. Later on I usually give her something else; something that satisfies her need but not necessarily in the way that she expected.
When I say “no” and she rebels against my “no”, I listen—and then I take her in hand. That's part of the price she pays for my leadership.
In fact, if I don't say “no” often enough, if I am not arbitrary often enough, my lack of arbitrariness causes problems. She gets restless, feeling like I'm not expressing my feelings, that she isn't experiencing my strength.
Under those circumstances, she's likely to start asking for things that she knows I will say “no” to, just for the comfort of hearing “no” and feeling protected—the comfort of having limits.
As for deliberately hurting, that's what punishment is. When you punish, you inflict pain—sometimes physical, always emotional.
Sometimes, saying “no” is the most effective form of punishment—or limit setting.
More often than not, I punish with words or by setting limits. I reserve physical discipline/punishment/correction for times when she is out of control or openly rebellious or when I am expressing feelings that need to be expressed physically.
... or for erotic effect, which is beyond the scope of this particular article.
Spanking, for us, is a way of effecting emotional change or expressing passion, not for the mundane issues of everyday life.
Spanking as a regular/frequent/mundane form of punishment is (for us) a sign of weak leadership. It is too much like “parental” behavior. It is too abusive.
If I can't rein her in on a day-to-day basis with words, force of personality, commanding presence, a stern look, saying “no”... those kinds of things, then something is wrong.
But, that's the way we do things; that's what works for us. It is driven by her needs for limit setting, feeling strength, protection, romance—and her need to surrender.
She needs to hear “no”—arbitrary, decisive and strong “no”—in the same way that she needs chocolate. She craves it. With it, she feels warm, loved and loving. Without it, she gets crabby.