Recognition

Recognition

When I finally met my husband, we had had an internet/phone relationship for about eight months, the last three focused on a permanent relationship. I knew we had several things in common: a first marriage disaster, a strong dedication to family life, and a similar belief system and lifestyle. But, would he be the one?

In the ten years since my divorce, I had had plenty of time to think about what I was looking for in a husband. I had read this website and dreamed of finding a Taken in Hand man. I knew wanted a man to take care of me, but I was a strong-willed, overachieving single mom. How in the world could I get from point A to point B? How would I even know how to react if I met such a man? I had spent so much time being the head of the household, I might even react as if someone had stolen my job! (And yes, to skip ahead, that’s exactly how I reacted. To hear me yell, you would have thought I actually wanted to keep the job!)

The first night we were alone together, we sat talking quietly on a couch. When I recounted my suffering with men, his reaction was, ”So, I’m basically the exact opposite.” In the wee hours, he kissed my forehead and gently ordered me to sleep, because otherwise I’d be tired in the morning. As I drifted off, I wondered about this confident, strong man who seemed to think so highly of himself. Did he have anything to back it up, or was it just talk?

The next night, we got a little closer physically. I decided not to be the ”sex police”, since we both knew that our religious beliefs do not include sexual activity before marriage. I just let myself melt into his arms and relax as we talked. After a while, he started kissing my ear, and my whole body reacted. I wondered how the evening would end. Would I be disappointed? Would he be an immature boy-man who would try to steal home base? Would I have to step in as a mom-woman and control the situation? Honestly, it’s what I expected. And if that happened, I would fly home and stay single.

But no. From my ear, he moved along and started kissing my neck, first softly and then intently. He held me tightly and, finally, I turned my head in an effort to get away from the intense feelings. And that’s when it happened.

Recognition.

Most men, I imagine, would have politely stopped, since I was pulling away. After all, we had just met. Most would at least have asked me if I was OK. But he didn’t. As I squirmed and turned my neck, he readjusted his grip, held me a little closer, and started kissing the other side! I was not getting away! In a few minutes, when I had given up all ideas of escape, and when I realized that if he had wanted to take me sexually, I could not have resisted (because of what was happening in me, not physical force on his part), he gently stopped and sat up again, smiling down at me. He didn’t go any further physically. He was true to my trust.

As we talked a little more that night, he told me there was one thing he wanted me to know. It was that, yes, he believed that men and women were equal, and that women were very capable. But, in his own home, he would wear the pants. There would only be one; the other one would wear the skirt. He would take care of me, not the other way around. This is how he wanted it.

I found myself in a strange position. For years, I had been rehearsing how I would tell a man what I wanted in a relationship. I had tried to figure out how to word it, how to make it sound acceptable. Now here he was—telling me, and bluntly. I think I nodded and said, ”Me, too” or something lame like that. Nothing articulate, nothing bold, nothing even remotely brilliant. I was just sitting there being myself. And my Self felt totally at home with him.

So that was it. Recognition. I wish I could tell you that I have been graceful in face of his leadership and acted consistently thankful that this wonderful man is finally in my life. But I have often tested and questioned and struggled. In response to this, he has, well, been the strong man I have always wanted in my life.

But that’s for another day. This was just about how I got from point A to point B. Turns out I didn’t even have to figure out how to get there. He took me.

Hikitty

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Comments

Greetings Kitty

What a sweet article.

It sounds like a fairy tale, heavenly romance that budded between the two of you.

Not everyone gets to tell a tale like that :)

I have a great fairly tale start too. My story I will share another day. I really enjoyed reading yours, and am very happy for the two of you, that you have those sweet memories to build on.

His azure

I got lucky

I got lucky and wanted to share our story. First I had a really bad marriage and then was alone for ten years. I thought I'd never find someone. I wanted to share that the impossible does happen.
In the day-to-day I really relate to others on this site. A Taken in Hand relationship ebbs and flows and develops. And each one is unique. Ours is still new and developing. For us, the care part is really the main thing. He cares enough to see what I need, to try to provide it, and to get a little firm if I refuse to have my needs met or hide behind a single-mom macho attitude. It's an adjustment for me that he cares so much...but you know, it could be an adjustment to be walking on a beach when you've been freezing at the north pole for a decade, too. LOL ;)

You were writing for me...

I felt like you were taking the words out of my mouth. I know that I live on a day to day basis in my "masculine" energy, but that's because I have to—to get everything done! I have dated on Match for 4 (exhausting) years, never finding someone who I respect, am attracted to and stands up to my energy. I have looked on personal sites like SIN and ALT but have reconciled that I would have only distain for someone I found there. As I am approaching the end of my 40's it just feels more more and more sad. I wrestle with the hope of fulfilling my desire, and banishing it to some deep corner of my physche. Both options feel equaly futile.
I hope you will write more, because I think alot of women who have not yet successfully found a relationship such as yours would be helped by seeing how you found it, how you nurtured it and how you released and overcame your fears of giving in/up control.

learning

Don't give up, AnnELJ. As in looking for a job "it only takes one"! I also dated on websites and stuff, and as I said, when I first met "the one" I did not recognize him...or did I mention that? We met online and had some things common. We laughed about that a few times and shared a few photos. And that was IT for six months. No follow-up.
One obstacle was, he seemed too easy to talk to! I always imagined I'd go for the "strong, silent" type and this guy is chatty, emotional and not at all inaccessible. Kind of like a girlfriend. In other words, I thought he'd be boring! (After all, if he was interested in me, and easy to talk to, he must be boring, right?)
Then I discovered he was respectful. And attentive.
And LAST, I discovered he had a strong, masculine core.
Now that we are married, I am learning how to conduct myself in a new way. He is usually very gentle, but I do like it when he shows his strong side. Recently, I went on and on (for days, ) because he had yelled at me. (I'm talking about a 3-second irritated reply because something else was bugging him at the moment.) At first when I mentioned it, he replied, "Yes, I did." When he realized it had really bothered me, he gave an apology. So, yeah, that would have been a good time to let it go. LOL. But I didn't. Finally, when I'd mentioned it for about the tenth time, he firmly said, "Get over it." And I did.
Another "new" behavior is that I was planning to surprise him with something. I was going to show up where he will be working next month unannounced. This was great fun to plan, until I realized it was awfully disrespectful and not at all in keeping with him handling finances and such (it would have cost money). So I told him. He was glad I had told him, and now I will be joining him there, but with his OK. Same action, but with a very different feeling attached.
In little ways, I'm becoming more conscious of his needs as a leader-man. And this, I think, frees him to act on his masculine inclinations more often than he would otherwise. It's a balancing act for him, it seems. He deeply respects me, and yet he has the urge to lead. At this stage of our relationship, I guess in small ways, I am still expressing my "consent" for that. Sometimes it is verbal, and sometimes it's in changing my own habits.

contradiction

One thing about having a man lead me is that it sometimes goes where I did not intend! (In other words, I am not leading him as he leads me. That's the point, right?) We were having a grand old time in the bedroom and moving towards what I thought (and often hoped) would be spanking in a more serious way. And then he said, "This will never be for anything other than fun." He said it with that tone, the one that means "I'm boss."
Meanwhile, as he got to know me, he discovered ways to take me in hand which I do not enjoy at all! "The Talk" is a particularly hated one, as is "Time Out." They work. I can't deny that. I even went so far as to beg him not to do it. (I got nowhere with that.) They definitely result in instant respect from me. The anger or distance between us gets erased. He figured things out, even things I had not intended to show him.
Which is fine, I guess. It's just not, well, the way I had envisioned it, back when I was queen of the universe.

Sweet

I've really been enjoying coming here to read, although I seriously doubt I'll ever have this kind of relationship for myself. It seems to be rarer and rarer, like my only choices are men who want women who don't need them, or who feel they have all the time in the world to play games and lead you around in circles. Maybe it's just not in the cards, as they say.

Anyway, it's nice to read about people who are having fun and enjoying this kind of deep bonding and true intimacy.

All The Best,
Elly

new to all this

I really enjoyed what you have written. I really appreciate that you guys were able to keep it together sexually. I have the same feelings you did on giving up your position as the head of your house having been a single mom. I hope I wont have to be single forever though I have thought on many occasions with having older children that I should wait till my kids are 18 but it just seems so far away.But, I guess God is never late but I do believe I have held him up a bit...