Reality is in the eye of the beholder

Reality is in the eye of the beholder

To some people, a Taken In Hand relationship is only real if the man asserts his authority over the woman against her will, and if he spanks her against her will, and if she fights him every step of the way. If she consents then it is not real and means the woman is really in charge.

I don't believe this. It would never have occurred to my husband to spank me for punishment if I had not suggested it (very tentatively) to him. The fact that he took to the idea with great enthusiasm surprised and (at first) somewhat disconcerted me, but I soon got used to it, and found that being spanked for punishment was ultimately much more satisfying (if more painful) than being spanked purely for pleasure.

The fact that I consent to him doing this does not mean, to me at any rate, that I am really in charge. He decides when, where, how often, how long, how hard etc, he is going to spank me, and I have no say in any of that whatsoever. I don't know what would happen if I tried to call it off because I never have tried, and can't imagine doing so. But that still does not make it any less real to me.

If I was always fighting and struggling and protesting when my husband spanked me I think he would find it quite exhausting and stressful, and would probably get fed up with doing it. The idea of introducing punishment spanking into our relationship was to reduce stress between us rather than increasing it, which constant resistance on my part would probably do.

I always used to enjoy those films when the girl gets spanked by the infuriated hero against her will, I always used to imagine being that girl. But I always knew it would not really be against my will, because I would really want him to do it. I used to love the spanking scenes in I Love Lucy but I never confused them with reality, because I Love Lucy is clearly not a mirror of reality. And furthermore, Lucy is a terrible example of a Taken In Hand wife, because she never pays the slightest attention to anything Ricky says to her. She is always intent on getting her own way, and quite often does.

If my husband spanks me because he wants to (as he does) it is also because he knows I want him to as well. That he knows I take pleasure in him asserting his authority over me does not make it any less real, to me or to him. Reality is in the eye of the beholder. What is “real” is whatever makes a marriage work more smoothly, and if it is by the consent of both parties, then so much the better.

Louise C

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Have you seen the following articles?
Is the man's authority real if consent can be revoked?
Why is real punishment spanking erotic?
Being taken in hand is hot!
Why you shouldn't mention the 'M' word
Is Taken In Hand control real?
Is it real?
Chemistry is indispensable
Obedience
Real life leadership or rules and rigidity?
He who dares, wins

Comments

Not kicking and screaming

To some people, a Taken In Hand relationship is only real if the man asserts his authority over the woman against her will, and if he spanks her against her will, and if she fights him every step of the way. if she consents then it is not real and means the woman is really in charge.

This was not really what I was trying to say. It is not ONLY "real" to me if my husband spanks me or asserts his authority against my will. In general, my husband does have my "blanket consent" to take me in hand however he chooses. Sometimes I love what he does. The dynamic of a powerful man and a willingly submitting woman is so delicious!

But there are times when I do not want him to spank me or make me do certain things. In those times, it is not that I really secretly WANT him to do those things anyway (per se). It is that I want him to have real authority to do those things even WHEN I protest or don't want him to do it. That ability is what makes his control real to me. If he only ever did things I enjoyed or wanted him to do, then it wouldn't have the fullness that it does for me. If I had a means to say, "I don't consent to you spanking me right now," then where does the control really lie?

Yes, my husband takes me in hand because I WANT him to. Therefore, I have given my consent to living this way. But he has specifically done things to me that I would not have consented to in the moment at all! If I had withdrawn my consent at that time, he would have had no real authority over me. To me, it would be a game of control that is not real.

That does not mean, as the beginning of this article implies, that I am just constantly kicking, screaming and fighting against his authority. On the contrary! Despite me NOT being a naturally submissive person, I generally submit to my husband by choice--not because he forces me to do so. But that is primarily because he has exercised his authority during times I didn't want him to. He has taught me to expect that when I don't submit, he will MAKE me (within reasonable boundaries that HE sets).

My husband pushing me even when I don't want him to is what has made me more submissive. And that is why my husband pushes in the first place.

Spanking

Some men spank their wives and the wives never had those feelings L describes of say watching Lucy and liking the spanking scenes but the wives may be tolerate it because it's part of their sex life or the husband has other features that are good or they can put up with it. Other men spank wives who like me have sexual fantasies about that kind of thing. I suspect (and I know from talking to people who have done both kinds) it is different to spank someone who sexually desires it in some sense rather than just tolerates it. It is better, I hasten to add.

Other kinds of women

Some men spank their wives and the wives never had those feelings L describes of say watching Lucy and liking the spanking scenes but the wives may be tolerate it because it's part of their sex life or the husband has other features that are good or they can put up with it. Other men spank wives who like me have sexual fantasies about that kind of thing. I suspect (and I know from talking to people who have done both kinds) it is different to spank someone who sexually desires it in some sense rather than just tolerates it. It is better, I hasten to add.

Sure, there are women who enjoy being spanked as a sexual thing and there are women who tolerate it because their husbands are into it.

But there are also women who want it—not for the spanking itself, but because they want the physical experience of a dominant man.

Some women who are dominant in their careers, want to be able to let go in their home life. If she spends her work day in a position of responsibility over others, there can be a lot of comfort in knowing that she isn't in charge at home.

There are some very strong women out there: teachers keeping rowdy teenagers under control, police officers arresting criminals, CEOs deciding which people to lay off, military officers ordering men and women into combat just to name a few examples.

Some women like that aren't able to "let go" at the end of the day. The need someone (a husband, for example) to take control of them or from them. Only then they relax their "situational awareness" and know that, whatever happens, they are not responsible.

For this kind of woman, the spanking itself isn't what does it. It is a means to an end. The "end" (the goal) is to not be in charge.

We've seen this in men for a long time. Some very powerful men want to give up control to a woman at the end of the day and relax by being dominated. Now that there are more women in dominant careers, we should not be surprised to see them with the same kinds of needs.

There are plenty of taken in hand women out there who are neither into spanking as a sexual kink nor "tolerating" it for their husbands' sake.

Sure, it's probably "better" to spank a woman who is into it as a sexual kink than it would be to spank a woman who just tolerates it. But that's not much of a comparison.

The more interesting case is the very strong woman who goes over her husband's lap because she needs him to be even stronger than she is and she needs to feel the strength in a physical way. That's not the sexual thrill or fantasy of a spanking. It's the feeling of dominance from a stronger man.

I would imagine that that is even better than spanking a woman who likes to be spanked, but I don't really know. I've only ever spanked one woman and have no comparison.

CarlF - When you say:

CarlF—When you say:

Some women who are dominant in their careers, want to be able to let go in their home life. If she spends her work day in a position of responsibility over others, there can be a lot of comfort in knowing that she isn't in charge at home.

you describe me exactly! I work every day in a demanding career. I am driven to excellence and thus have excelled over the last 10 years—hence more and more responsibility. The last thing I want to do when I get home is be in charge! I'm TIRED! I'm more than happy to come home and do things for my family, but I don't want to have to make decisions for them! (I WAS married to a man that always wanted me to make the decisions and it was EXHAUSTING!)

Now I am with someone who is dominant and strong and intelligent enough to make most decisions that effect us. And unless the decision is going to do us harm, I usually go along. When I don't there is a deserved punishment. And although I'm not turned on by a punishment spanking, it does give me comfort knowing that this man is strong enough (mentally and physically) to deal with me. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Various types

May be we have various types then

- women who have always fantasised about it sexually

- those who tolerate various sexual things because their husband likes it (and I don't see anything wrong with that per se although I suspect from talking to dominant men it's a bit more fun if your partner is sexually into it)

- those who are aroused by giving in to their man

I don't know if I'm 1 or 3. I am not what might be a 4th category of perhaps is 1 who are masochists per se, Although I've never been with a man without asking to be hurt a bit even if it's just pull my hair, the pain of itself is not sexual. it's the imposition of his will on me and pain which I don't like. That is probably more fun for a sadist than someone who enjoys the pain, maybe.

Well Stated

I have been "lurking" for a couple of days now reading what seems like the whole site and now it's time to start talking/posting.
Louise, I have found your posts the most true and real. Maybe for the fact that I am a spitfire and my relationship was similar but ended before it really got started ---by a motorcycle accident.

To me, if it is right for you and your spouse and it is working and it saved your relationship or it has added to it then that is really what it is all about---the relationship. Whatever happened to I don't agree with you but if it is working for you then that's all that matters.
I could go on but I'll spare you'll...lol!!!

In closing, this is a wonderful site and everybody for the most part gets along and when they don't see eye to eye it doesn't turn into a huge bash job. I think this site almost serves as an educational tool for others.

Reality is in the Eye of the Beholder

I agree totally with your comments, Louise. Your articles and posts are always very interesting to read. They make me enormously feel at ease on this site and in turned helped my husband and me develop our Taken in Hand Relationship. Incidentally, it amused me to read an earleir post of yours which said that your husband was interested in lathes, the Mary Rose and in particular hovercraft and jet engines. I am married to a wonderful man like that, but at least he knows how to put his hands to very good use on my bottom.

J

An Excellent Primer!

Thankyou so much Louise C, I am quite new to this concept of 'Taken-in-Hand', but rapidly realising this is exactly what I needed to know. I must say it's so nice to find someone who can write about this subject with humour and honesty, and a deliciously feminine and ironic self-justification that makes me feel informed and also amused. Aren't we all so individual, but at the same time able to share so much and with such subtle differences? Keep it up, I've read everything here and want more... more... more...