We feel there are many paths that lead to a Taken In Hand marriage. When my husband and I started our path we walked a few of them before finding that there is no right or wrong, just diffent roads to take.
We read so many different approaches and belong to a group that has a strong focus on spanking. Since I was not opposed to spanking we decided to give it a try. The results were a disaster and left me feeling like there was something wrong with me. WHY don't I respond like everyone else? Why do I not feel all loved and mushy inside afterwards? Why do I feel like I want to hurt someone and am left angrier than I was before being spanked?
What this confusion led to was communication between my husband and me. It opened doors that were always closed. The spanking did not open them, the feelings that I had due to the spanking opened them if that makes sense.
What we came to realize is that from the day I married my husband I was happily a Taken In Hand wife! Your husband doesn't need to spank to take you in hand, though if that is something that works and both are agreeable to then that is great.
I am in no way frowning on couples who spank for punishment or discipline reasons. If spanking helps achieve the goals that you both want, I think that is wonderful, but for me it just didn't work that way.
Here is a glimpse into my marriage.....
My husband and I have come so far and, believe it or not, to spank or not to spank has brought us even closer if that makes sense. I've said it before, neither hubby or myself was ever what would be called vanilla. He is and has always been a very in control, take control kind of man. The kind of man you can depend on to do what he says he will do and take care of all the ugly things I would rather ignore. He is very protective of those he loves and nothing or no one will ever hurt them. I have seen it with me and with my kids and he got my kids in marriage! He is my ideal strong man.
I am “submissive” to a point but really only totally submissive when we enter the bedroom where I believe a man should take the lead. It felt very natural when we got married to turn over certain things to him...the bills, the cars, the annoying phone calls, the driving, MY MOTHER (WEG). That was like a dream come true since before I had to handle every little thing and it drove me nuts. It was great to finally be able to be just the woman in a relationship instead of man/woman!
The kids and major decisions we handle together. If we can't come up with a decision that suits us both, we table it and go back to it another time. My hubby will never say, “Because I said so or because I am the man,” cause that would only serve to make me more set on doing the opposite and cause friction instead of closeness. Doesn't mean we never butt heads—we do and it can get ugly, but when it goes too far, all he has to do is say, “Enough” and I know darn well to shut my mouth and most times I do..lol.
My husband is a man who has a very strong, no nonsense presence. He is romantic, tender and sweet. He is the most laidback even-keeled person I have ever met. When his temper goes off, it's not pretty, but it takes a lot to set him off. Unlike me, who is set off at the drop of a hat and explodes. From day one when we were living in different states, he could calm me down with his voice. I would be going off on the phone about something and he would sweetly say.... “Close your eyes and think of me holding you and calm down!” It worked each and every time and still does.
We have always enjoyed spanking in an erotic way. When we came across certain sites that talked about using it in a DD way it intrigued us. We discussed it and thought we would give it a try. I think we were both surprised. While my husband always said there were certain times he thought I needed nothing more than to be taken over his knee and paddled and I agreed, it never worked out quite the way it does for other people. Sure it would shut me up at some point but that was really to get him to stop not because it was truly re-focusing my attention. I would get right back up and go right back into whatever mood I was in and most times it would be worse because now I was mad and had to find a way to make him just as miserable as he just made me!
This could have a lot to do with how I was raised and we talked about that a lot. I always used my father as an example. I love and respect my father more than any other man on this planet. My husband is the ONLY man that I feel that same way about. There was only one time in my life my father swatted me and it was well deserved and I never did that thing again. My mother on the other hand was the total opposite. We never knew when or why it was coming and it served absolutely no purpose other than to make her feel better and me lose respect for her and resent her. I never stopped doing anything because of being punished by my mother. Yet all my father had to say was “I am really disappointed” and my heart was broken and I made sure to go out of my way to never see that look on his face again.
That is how we look at our marriage. It's not like anyone else's. We are all different and have different needs and desires. I need and desire to be the wife of a strong man, a man I know I can not walk over like a doormat, a man that will let me go off on my tirades but stop them when he has had enough. A man that supports me in every way possible and never gets tired of telling me how wonderful I am, how sexy I am, how strong I am, how I can do things myself and he only wants to take the pressure off, not control every little thing in my life. He is my rock and I know I can turn to him with anything and he will be there to hold me, calm me and step in if I need and ask him to.
My husband needs and desires to be the man he was born to be. To be respected, loved and cared for by a wife that listens to what he has to say (though may not always obey), to be trusted to use his authority in positive ways and not abuse it.
My husband has decided that he will spank only for life threatening things and my horrible dark moods that can last for days and even weeks. Neither of us know how I would react to a spanking during my dark times. I honestly told him it could very well help because at that time I truly am totally out of control with my emotions and not thinking rationally. BUT, on the other hand a spanking when I get like that could go the opposite way and totally piss me off. He says he understands this and we won't know until it happens and if it has the opposite effect, he won't do it again .He says IF I feel I need a spanking for whatever reason he will be happy to provide but it has to come from me.
Does all this mean we don't live in a Taken In Hand marriage, that we don't have that connection that can come from this way of life? No, our connection is so strong, so powerful that for me, just like with my father, I want to please my husband because I want to see his smile, to see him happy because I love him with all my heart and soul and respect him and his authority, his God-given right to be a man and not take crap from me or anyone else. Sure, I love to push his buttons, I have the mouth of a sailor, a temper that fires off at the strangest times, but these are things he knew when he met me and says he would not want me any other way.
For me, knowing that he can and does turn my attitude or mood around with just his touch, his voice or the look on his face is mind-blowing. He has the powerful male dominance without lifting a finger... And I know he is fully capable of giving a spanking if he sees the need for it. Just knowing that makes me love him all the more, makes me feel connected and bonded to him in ways I've only dreamed of and makes me want to make darn sure I don't cross the few lines he has.
So I would say we have a very Taken In Hand marriage that may differ from other couples' but still the bottom line is the same. Love, respect, connection and security. My husband is very much head of the household, he is very much in control of things, he just chooses to use his authority in the ways that best suit us and work the best for us.