To me, one of the most intriguing aspects of Taken In Hand relationships is the lack of psychological violence, even when relationships feature spanking and/or other physical dominance. By acknowledging my need for a male-led relationship, my husband and I emerged from the subtle violence of denying ourselves, to a delightful adventure.
My discovery of Taken In Hand came from applying non-violent communication to myself. I had became interested in Marshall Rosenberg and watched YouTube videos of his work. I was impressed by his promise that by using the principles of non-violent communication, I would learn to never hear an insult or criticism again, only the pleas of others for their needs to be met. It changed my perspective. I started to listen for the needs embedded in the messages that came to me from others. It was a revelation.
Rosenberg said to listen for what is alive in others, and to recognize the truth within the need being expressed. That question "what is alive right now" is essential to empathy. When someone's need is heard and respected, it builds a bridge to understanding and resolution of conflict.
I decided to ask the question to myself, and listen to the answer. What I found alive in me was my desire for my husband to take me in hand physically. Instead of burying this desire under a pile of judgements, I got up the nerve to share the news with my husband. I started poking around on the internet and found this site.
How ironic. By giving up on the psychological violence of self judgement, and being willing to share my need with Patrick, it opened me up to the fulfillment of my deep longings. We are building a new relationship that openly cherishes my need for physical dominance and for his leadership. I went from thinking of myself as crazy to embracing what is alive in me. Life has flowed into our marriage.
Some of the things I crave are going to be a process. I can't demand my husband suddenly be dominant in the way I want him to be. That will not work. I am so grateful for the stories of others on this site to help me relax into what our process will be.