Non-violent communication

To me, one of the most intriguing aspects of Taken In Hand relationships is the lack of psychological violence, even when relationships feature spanking and/or other physical dominance. By acknowledging my need for a male-led relationship, my husband and I emerged from the subtle violence of denying ourselves, to a delightful adventure.

My discovery of Taken In Hand came from applying non-violent communication to myself. I had became interested in Marshall Rosenberg and watched YouTube videos of his work. I was impressed by his promise that by using the principles of non-violent communication, I would learn to never hear an insult or criticism again, only the pleas of others for their needs to be met. It changed my perspective. I started to listen for the needs embedded in the messages that came to me from others. It was a revelation.

Rosenberg said to listen for what is alive in others, and to recognize the truth within the need being expressed. That question "what is alive right now" is essential to empathy. When someone's need is heard and respected, it builds a bridge to understanding and resolution of conflict.

I decided to ask the question to myself, and listen to the answer. What I found alive in me was my desire for my husband to take me in hand physically. Instead of burying this desire under a pile of judgements, I got up the nerve to share the news with my husband. I started poking around on the internet and found this site.

How ironic. By giving up on the psychological violence of self judgement, and being willing to share my need with Patrick, it opened me up to the fulfillment of my deep longings. We are building a new relationship that openly cherishes my need for physical dominance and for his leadership. I went from thinking of myself as crazy to embracing what is alive in me. Life has flowed into our marriage.

Some of the things I crave are going to be a process. I can't demand my husband suddenly be dominant in the way I want him to be. That will not work. I am so grateful for the stories of others on this site to help me relax into what our process will be.

Angela T


The paradox of non-violence and spanking

I can identify with your sentiments, Angela T, having very recently made a commitment to being taken in hand in a long marriage that was anything but that in past. Fascinated by Marshall Rosenberg's principles "to listen for the needs embedded in the messages". I am trying to listen to the needs you embed in your own message here.

I wonder if the challenge to your husband relates to the paradox of your craving for physical dominance vis-a-vis your passion for non-violence. Particularly if you are considering spanking, indeed a violent act.

Spanking for us is not a punishment, but a tangible, loving assertion of authority and establishing order. When husband believed that, and saw the glow in me, it freed him of inhibition and allowed him to embrace physical domination in a lusty and loving way. I had hungered for it, but I couldn't demand it from him, he had to make the decision for himself.

You may have to ask yourself: do you truly crave your man’s authentic dominance, beyond a little rough sex, in your whole self? Beyond arousing bedroom play, in your whole life? I had to go deep into where my intense responses were coming from and acknowledge the feelings without judgment to get there. It shook my world. Impossible for me! But was it?

My macho husband was almost as surprised as I was when I confessed my own craving for his manly authority. He was instantly delighted! And yet it took time for him to fully absorb my truth, to overcome concern that I was experiencing temporary insanity and then we would have gone too far and it might undermine our long-term marriage. It took me time too. And then it took a much deeper step forward in trust for both of us.

We commonly see remarks here about women who lust for more physicality who are frustrated with men who are restrained—in reaction to cultural norms. not wanting to inflict physical pain on a loved one, perhaps that once the beast in them is unleashed it will do damage. And simply this: they are men! How can they relate to the sublime release in a fully male-dominant relationship for women like me?

Once I understood and accepted this in myself, we had a difficult conversation where I asked him to truly take me in hand in a whole life way. When he began to trust my voice, he took it on as his responsibility. He had resisted reading things I'd presented before, but now he accepted those offers. They helped him see that Taken In Hand need not be an oppressor/oppressed thing, but a positive, fertile, joy-filled life when it is freely chosen. Thank you, The Boss, Alan K, Noone, Stephen, and so many others for those readings.

Husband is big on positive thinking, and he experienced the positive results in our relationship and our home instantly. Walls came tumbling down. The atmosphere is electric with passion. It even affects his professional life—he had been restless with his work and wanting something more. Suddenly he was quite clear about professional changes he wanted and actively engaged to make those changes real as well.

The roses that bloom on my bottom even as I write keep him in my mind and my heart throughout the day. If I was afraid at first that I was succumbing to dark forces, I have instead found light and delight in life. Those powerful forces are dark, but not from evil but from their profound depth. I know this to be true because I have found joy.