Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word

Okay, I confess! I misled you. This is not about the ‘M’ word as in ‘marriage’, it is about the ‘M’ word as in ‘maintenance discipline’.

Forgive me, but I'm with Aiden on this one: ‘maintenance’ sounds like something you do on a car, not a woman. At any rate, ‘maintenance spankings’ are, as I understand it, spankings given regularly for no particular reason except that the woman is feeling the need for more discipline than she would otherwise get.

Women commonly complain that their men do not enforce discipline consistently, or that instead of getting out an implement, they go into their cave, i.e., withdraw, sulk, give them the silent treatment, or that they just plain don't spank them enough.

Well-meaning folk then urge them to ask their men for ‘maintenance discipline’.

For some women, this is a frustrating and unhelpful answer, because if they have to ask to be spanked, it just doesn't feel the same. More importantly, perhaps, they have little interest in being spanked per se, what they want is to feel the authority and control (dominant constraint) of their man, and spanking only (or only strongly) gives them this feeling if it is for a reason. Being spanked out of a disciplinary or dominantly constraining context just doesn't feel the same, no matter how hard it is.

It is not that many such women don't want the more light-hearted, teasing, fun, playful sort of spanking – it is fun to play sometimes. It is that that sort of spanking does not fulfil their wish to be under the dominant authority of their man.

To be sure, some men are able to make their authority felt without any spanking at all. And some men are able to spank “just because they can” or in such a way as to make their authority felt, reason or no reason.

But if these so-called maintenance spankings leave you cold, the chances are, it is because they simply don't have the same meaning for you as the real thing for real reasons. Even if you both have in mind that this is what could happen if you disobey him – a ‘what to expect spanking’ – it is still likely to feel different from the real thing, just as role-playing or playing feels different from the real thing.

This is not to say that those who are happy with regular spankings should change anything. Far from it! If you enjoy what you are doing, that is wonderful! (And when you're not getting any, believe me, even a light and quite inadvertent tap on the rear by the incontinent elderly gentleman who is behind you in the queue at the post office is enough to get you excited!)

But if you have found ‘maintenance spankings’ frustratingly unmoving, you are not alone, and there is a perfectly reasonable explanation, as I have indicated.

As to what can be done instead, that is a good question. I think there is a good starting point for an answer in Aiden's article, The path. He points out that “a woman naturally pushes out against her man, wanting to feel the solid reassurance of his dominance, of his love, around her.” He suggests that a man who is attentive and aware of his woman's needs will notice the signs that she needs this reassurance that he is in control. So instead of being very easy-going about small matters and saving it all up for a major punishment spanking, one thing you could do, if you are the head of your household, is this. Try to become more aware of the little things and, when something happens, to ask yourself whether it is time to assert your authority in some way, perhaps by a spanking.

If a woman appears to be doing stupid things on a regular basis, or if she just seems to feel the need for more discipline than you feel like giving her, what she is really saying is that she craves more dominant control. If this is the case, introducing ‘maintenance spankings’ might not be the answer, because it is not the spanking per se that she craves, but the dominant control. So it is worth thinking about additional, non-physical ways you could assert your authority. There are many ideas on Taken In Hand. Sometimes, focusing narrowly on spanking alone can cause it to lose its meaning and thus its power. Remember: for many women, the point is not the spanking per se but the dominant authority it represents.


In the next article in this series, I ask, is it all just a kinky game? (No!) In the third article, I answer the question, “Wouldn't it be more efficient to withhold spanking?” [Click here for the next article in this series: Being taken in hand is hot!]

the boss

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
Being taken in hand is hot!
The erotic power of unshackled male power
The missionary position
The healing power of taking her in hand
A breakdown on the road to intimacy
Is she afraid of losing control? Topping from the bottom?
Why is this desire so powerful?
A woman must know that her man cares
Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.
When rape is a gift

2003 Nov 24 - 15:50 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Interesting...

I see what you're saying, kind of, but how do you explain the fact that since my DH started giving me maintenance spankings on a weekly basis, I've been feeling a lot better and our relationship's been going real good too?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 27 - 18:42 | reply to this comment

Thumbs up for maintenance spanking

If you find them helpful, that is marvellous! It was not my intention to argue that no one could ever possibly find them useful, my intention was merely to explain why some women find them strangely unsatisfying. To argue that some women find them unsatisfying is not to argue that no one enjoys them.

If you have managed to find a way to have maintenance spanking that provides the necessary meaning for you, I should be the very last person to suggest that you are imagining it or that you should change anything. I know only too well from my own experience that I can change my mind about things and one minute think that something sounds utterly ghastly, and the next, suddenly see it in a different light.

by the boss on 2003 Nov 28 - 04:02 | reply to this comment

Authority

If your husband needs to spank you hard every week, maybe he's failing to provide the authority figure you need in your life. There's no way I'd be giving my wife that amount of punishment type maintenance discipline. I probably spank her to some degree several times a week, but it doesn't rise to the level of hard disciplinary action more than rarely. My wife loves to obey me so it's rare she needs real discipline. This wasn't always the case--she was quite a handful in the beginning and needed a VERY firm hand--too firm for my hand in fact, it had to be the crop and the whip. She took alot of taming but after maybe two years of a kind of battle for supremacy, she stopped fighting it. She told me right from the start that she needed to submit, I just had to prove my authority in the testing years at the beginning. She said she needed me to win the battle, and I did, and the rewards are very sweet.

by mrtom on 2003 Nov 30 - 17:41 | reply to this comment

My husband

Mark and I have a routine whereby he does spank me, quite hard every week. It is every bit a maintenance spanking. Not quite as severe as most punishments. It isn't that he is failing to be an authority figure for me, exactly the opposite in fact. We started off expecting those maintenance spankings to tail off as we achieved a more harmonious equillibrium. As our marriage, which is relatively short so far, has progressed though, we have found a connectivity in these Sunday-night-routine-sessions. I get to demonstrate to him that I am observing my vow of obedience and to reaffirm my submissiveness to him and he reaffirms his commitment to me and our marriage, acknowledging that our relationship requires constant attention and that neither of us are complacent as to its primary importance in our household.

by Issie on 2003 Dec 3 - 12:42 | reply to this comment

Attaching meaning

It all depends what meaning you attach to them, doesn't it? If they are a ritual to which you have accorded the meaning of submission then they will work for you. If not they won't.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Dec 4 - 21:10 | reply to this comment

Regular Spanking

We've found regular spankings to be less effective at giving me the authority I want, but they do have some value for us. They stop me getting that itching to be spanked feeling so much as i did before we started using them.

Janey

by janey93 on 2003 Dec 9 - 18:58 | reply to this comment

You're So Lucky

If my boyfriend wanted to give me any kind of spanking, I'd be happy, but he doesn't want to. He did it once but it's obviously not what he likes. You're so lucky, Janey and Issie and all yous. Look after those men.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Dec 10 - 20:14 | reply to this comment

Good insights, but...

whenever I read the phrase "a woman naturally...," I jump, I flinch, I grimace, I shudder.

Is there such thing as universal feminine needs...???? Are you justified in applying blanket statements like this on all women?

Anyway, I take your point that maintainence spanking doesn't work for everyone, individuals who find it dissatisfying should check other aspects that spanking dynamic entails.

-sudolly
-----------------------------
the belief in truth is precisely madness - Nietzsche

by sudolly on 2004 Mar 7 - 05:20 | reply to this comment

The Play Thing

We do the play thing but I am so ready to move on! I am still at that point where I do not say the word but I know what I want. I want the discipline part of the whole thing but I can't seem to get my message across. I need it to help me be the person I want to be. I tend to let things go and let him yell repeatedly about the same things over and over but if he's not going to do anything about it, why should I listen? How do I make the switch from play to real?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 May 16 - 07:59 | reply to this comment

Husband's Leadership

My husand loving provides discipline when I need it. We call them loving boundaries. I am a submissive wife, but at times my own defiance and disrespectful attitude needs loving correction. There are times when he will say, "We need to talk" after I have been disrespectful. He will sit down and tell me to look at him while he is talking. Some times a punishment is carried out via a stern talking, some privileges removed, or some swift smacks on my bottom. It rarely gets to the point of spankings because I either correct what I am doing so that it doesn't happen again. I love the way he sets these loving boundaries for me. Our marriage is great in every way and I would not trade it for a minute.

Janelle

by ladyjay on 2004 May 17 - 18:04 | reply to this comment

Thanks for this site!

I am a new membe. My husband and I have been looking for a site that will better inform us. Thanks!

lisaaries

by lisaaries on 2004 Jun 22 - 03:07 | reply to this comment

Relationship maintenance

‘maintenance’ sounds like something you do on a car, not a woman.

A maintenance spanking isn't about maintaining the woman. Its purpose is to maintain the relationship. All relationships need maintenance and if a spanking for just this purpose works, there's nothing wrong in that.

by Interesdom on 2005 May 8 - 16:08 | reply to this comment

Maintenance Spankings

I receive maintenance spankings on a fairly regular basis. One of the reasons is that our lives are so busy with work commitments, family etc., that sometimes I forget who is the boss. My man calls them "lessons". Most of the time I am a little shocked or suprised when he says it's time for a "lesson" as I think everything has been going well. However, if I really think about it, I have been doing whatever I want without asking his advice or permission. I am usually relieved after a "lesson" of harsh paddlings as it renews my obedience and makes me feel cared for. All he is doing is keeping me in line and I SO APPRECIATE that!

gemsgirl

by gemsgirl on 2005 Oct 4 - 15:57 | reply to this comment

Keep talking to him

I so relate to what you are saying. Having visited this site for some while, I have been trying to get my message across too. Despite showing him articles, writing emails to him and talking to him at length, he did not seem to understand that I need his assertion to make me into the kind of person I so wish to be. His argument was that if this is what I want I should just not argue with him or turn into a mood. However, I think I may have just about turned the corner (after many tears and yells of frustration!!!!) and this morning I received an email saying he would give it a go as long as I behave myself or else there will be trouble. I cannot describe how I feel, but I am on top of the world. I don't believe spanking will come into it. He tried that once and was simply horrified at the marks! But there, I am a step closer to my goal.

Stick at it, it really is worthwhile. Keep talking to him, it is the only way. Sometimes it really requires it to be spelt out. I don't think there are many men out there who really know this it what some women want and need in their lives. We have changed our attitudes towards relationships so much over the years that it must be quite a shock to be told that we truly wish for this. If you have the confidence, bite the bullet!

by Michelle on 2005 Oct 5 - 10:23 | reply to this comment

Ritual

I get regular maintenance spankings and we find that they are very beneficial. They make my husband feel more in control and make me feel very submissive to him. For years I actively resisted the idea of maintenance spankings, but after much gentle persuasion I agreed to try them for 6 weeks. That was 2 years ago.

One of the things that I really like is the ritual aspect of our maintenance sessions. Over the last 2 years we have built up quite a complex little set rituals for the lead up to the spanking, the spanking itself and what happens afterwards. I find these very valuable as they relly help me to focus on the true meaning of my submission to my husband.

I am firmly of the opinion that many Taken in Hand relationships can benefit from regular, reasonably hard maintenanace spankings. If you have never tried them I'd suggest that you give them a go - you might be as pleasantly surprised as I was!!

by Diane on 2006 Feb 17 - 00:16 | reply to this comment

I must be dreaming...

This can't be true... "maintenance spankings" ? Did I read SPANKING ?? As in "physical violence" ??

Now, I love and respect my Dear Husband very, very much, but I'm telling you guys and gals, if he DARES lift a finger on me, I'm outta here - and on my way to report him to the Police !!

Your kind of attitudes just encourages men to hit their wives and girlfriends, and what's worse, it also encourages those women to be (as many of you have stated) more submissive and actually ACCEPT that kind of abuse... Yes, mark my words, I said ABUSE.

This is horrendous, I'm terribly shocked.

by Cessounette on 2006 Oct 8 - 21:09 | reply to this comment

Spanking

My husband spanks me because he knows I like it. This is generally the case, I believe, with most women who post on this site and who are in spanking relationships. If a man spanked his wife without any prior consent from her, then she would indeed be entitled to report him to the police. But people on this site are in consensual relationships.

In some cases, women have had to put quite a bit of effort into persuading their husbands or boyfriends to spank them, men can often be quite reluctant to become spankers. But once they get into the swing of things, they can start enjoying it (my husband certainly does).

If my husband was to stop spanking me, relations between us would deteriorate rapidly. I would become frustrated, bitter, and alienated, and he would get frustrated too, since giving me a good walloping when he's pissed off with me gives him great satisfaction.

Being spanked DOES make me feel more submissive, but I LIKE feeling like that. I find it intensely pleasurable to feel submissive towards my husband, and in any case, spanking alone doesn't make me feel that way, though it is an essential ingredient to the mixture. Many people have Taken In Hand relationships that do not involve spanking at all, but for myself I wouldn't want to do without it.

Louise

by Louise C on 2006 Oct 9 - 06:49 | reply to this comment

Why do you need an authority figure?

WAKE UP!!!!!!!

Why do you need an authority figure?! Aren't you an adult, a human being just like your husband??? You want to be spanked like a little child by it's father?! I'm going to throw up, you're all insane. I hope you don't have any children who are brought up in such a disgusting environment. Your relationships have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with your husbands weird desire to have control over another human being, and the high probability that all of you were sexually abused as children. Good God, I guess this is what happens to uneducated women who have no ability to make a living on their own. I'm praying for all of you, please get help.

by I am just as human as any man on 2006 Dec 20 - 19:57 | reply to this comment

Why?

I do not know why I want my husband to be an authority figure, but it is a craving I have always had. Speaking purely for myself, I do not want to be spanked like a child by it's father. As I have remarked before,if my husband spanked a child the way he spanks me, we'd have the NSPCC knocking on our door in no time. Being spanked does not make me feel like a child at all. Quite the contrary.

Admittedly, I do think my desire to be controlled by my husband is pretty weird, but so are many human desires. Having a Taken In Hand relationship seems generally to have improved things between us, and to have made us closer. This may not make sense to you, but it is how it is for us.

As for it having any effect on our children, their father is pretty bossy, but then he always has been, and the new regime probably hasn't made much difference to them. They seem happy enough, and certainly don't seem to be lacking in self-confidence or anything. The teachers at our sons' school never stop telling me how bright and brainy No,2 son is, We were recently informed that he is now on the 'Talented and Gifted' register at the school, so he seems to be doing all right.

As for being uneducated, well, I left school at 16, but this site numbers among the regular posters many brainy career-women who appear to do very well at work. Having an education and a career is no guarantee that a woman won't be submissive in her personal life, the most submissive woman I ever knew was far better educated than her husband (he'd left school at 16 like me, she had a Phd), she had a much better job than him, and earned far more money, yet she was completely under his thumb.

Nor was I ever abused as a child, my parents were quite strange people, but neither of them was at all abusive.

Louise

by Louise C on 2006 Dec 20 - 20:55 | reply to this comment

Get help???

Why should we get help? We`re happy the way we are living. I could try to explain to you now exactly why and how our relationship makes me happy, but I don`t think you would understand anyhow. But I will tell you a few things: I have never been sexually abused by my parents. I did get raped as a teenager, it was date rape but I did not suffer any psycholiogical damage from it. All I though afterwards was: "What a f...... jerk ", and that was it. I was a happy teenager before and afterwards and chose to go on with my life instead of feeling sorry for myself. My daughters had a happy childhood, they both are grown now and the older one is married and has a secure job. The younger one is working for the german Army and just signed up for 8 years. My son is 11 and is also doing just fine, he absolutely loves my husband and looks up to him. They both are interested in sports and talk for hours about it and by the way so are my daughters who also play softball with their father.

The authority my husband has over me is something between him and me and has nothing to do with the children. They never got spanked, I believe spanking children is child abuse and I know many religous people believe in spanking children. When my husband spanks me it does not make me feel like a child, I enjoy the feeling of him being physical stronger than me. My daughters did ask us before though how we`ve managed to stay happy for 24 years while many of their friends' parents are already divorced or seperated. Of course I didn´t tell them that part of the reason is because their father spanks me but I did tell them most of the other reasons.

So if you want to pray for me, then please pray that I will be able to live the way I am living right now for many more years.

Autumn

by At on 2006 Dec 21 - 08:23 | reply to this comment

is not neglect a form of abuse as well?

Then happy I to love, and am beloved, where i can not remove, nor be removed.......W.S.

by ivy on 2007 Jun 21 - 00:15 | reply to this comment

RE: Why do you need an authority figure?

I know that this is a little old to reply, but, as my husband and I have only just discovered "taken in hand," I am finally getting through the articles and commentary: Your comments made me smile and reminds me of the beauty of this country- our varying paradigms and preferences- and the right each of us has to an opinon. But, believe-it-or-not, I am not dumb, insane or broke.

I have a PhD and am a full-time college professor; my husband is the CEO of a manufacturing firm. We have the respect of all of our employees, family and friends. We earn a lot of money together and apart- I don't "need him," per se and he doesn't "need me." We want each other, love each other and respect each other. If you heard one of my lectures, you would know that I am in control of my professional life and am a powerful woman.

Yet, at home, I do not want the control of my marriage- I am totally turned on by having submitted to the ultimate love and trust that I have for the man to whom I will be married for the rest of my life. I am proud to have given him complete dominion over my body and our domestic lives- this was my choice and my request to him this past week (though I must say that he is lovingly doubtful that I will be able to relinquish full control when it comes down to it)...

I had my first "real" spanking last night and I have been trembling with desire all day- I cannot wait until he gets home! We never fight or argue and he is as gentle as a baby bear, but I have been wanting him to spank me, so last night he found a reason: He apologized this morning for the marks left behind and I have told him how erotic I find them and not to apologize- that I am proud he had the courage to spank me for something for which he felt I deserved...I cannot wait until he fully embraces this philosophy and spanks me more regularly and would love the comfort and bonding I feel maintenance spankings will bring...

I love what I am learning here at Taken In Hand and am looking forward to the continued growth and love that I feel daily for my husband...

As for you, thank you for your prayers and I will also pray that you open your mind and discontinue your judgement of us who are in incredibly loving, erotic and monogamous relationships...

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 Aug 2 - 20:18 | reply to this comment

Why do you need an authority figure?

Have you guys ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome? This sounds an awful lot like the dynamic that happens with a hostage and her captor/terrorist.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2009 Dec 4 - 16:53 | reply to this comment

Hostage? Terrorist?

If the so-called "hostage" is the one who has dreamed of this sort of relationship her whole life and begged her husband to try it, and he does it to make her happy, and they find themselves closer, more passionate, more in love than they have ever been, I think your analogy is completely irrelevant. Why must people try to label and demonize something simply because they don't understand it?

by Kimi on 2009 Dec 5 - 13:35 | reply to this comment

"Centering " or "Grounding" rather than "Maintenance"

Taken In Hand relationships often don't involve punishment/spanking/discipline but this is important for me in my case.

When it has been a long time between discipline, I find my body forgets even if my mind wants to be in a Taken in Hand relationship. A raised voice or hard look no longer sends a quiver through my feminine parts. I don't feel the impulse to scurry obediently to tasks and this makes him feel ineffectual and not in control. At such times when he sees me lagging, he smiles and says that it is clearly time for a little "reminder" about our relationship. Although it may not be a "real" punishment, I see it as a heading off of trouble and an organic part of the way that we relate. His irritation at my lack of focus is discharged. I am restored to my happy state as his good, obedient girl. Good communication often happens during or after such spankings about things that have been out there in our relationship but have been too minor in our busy lives to talk about. But as he spanks he remembers and speaks about things that have irritated him and as I feel myself being punished I get all the excuses out there, and also remember to apologize for things I have thought I got away with. It really is a renewal.

by lindar on 2010 Apr 18 - 17:45 | reply to this comment

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