Hands-on approach

I can't claim to have the kind of relationship that some lucky folks have documented on this site, but I can say that my wife and I have benefited from the discovery that I enjoy taking a more hands-on approach to dealing with her.

I've been married to Sam for almost 20 years, and for most of that we seemed to coast through simply on pure love and momentum. We hit the occasional patches of turbulence that affect most (if not all) long term relationships, and somewhere along the line it became clear that my wife needed a firmer hand to help her through the maze of depression and low self esteem that she seems prone to experiencing. These were the worst of times, but I found that if I took the view that they were merely dips in the road, we could rise above the situation and be rewarded with a view of life that revealed the potentials awaiting us.

When the world seemed too overwhelming to her, I offered her a shoulder to cry on, and two strong arms to envelop her in. Due to the issues of past abuse that Sam has had to deal with (she was raped a year or so before we met), there have been areas that were and are still off limits in our relationship. I lived with these limits for years before realizing that I resented them. I am not a man who is comfortable paying someone else's bills in perpetuity, so over the past couple of years I have been gently but firmly changing that.

To my delight, she is gradually discovering that physically-expressed control is not completely unappealing to her. Likewise, I am discovering the pleasure of forms of control that are much more subtle than I had initially envisaged. We are exploring together and creating something new that suits us as individuals and jointly.

I can't define our relationship using terms like “D/s”, “BDSM” or “DD”. None of those really apply to the level of subtle control she enjoys. She doesn't want to be punished (even when she brats), or feel that she is being treated like a child (even when she acts childishly). So I try to love and control her to the extent she's comfortable with, then push it a bit further. When I get this right, she finds it exciting and pleasurable, and it also shows her that my needs are still present and as important as ever.

I believe that the key to increasing the sphere of control and discipline a woman enjoys is (1) to take it slowly, (2) to make the control loving and erotic for her, and (3) to be highly sensitive to any possible lack of consent. By “erotic”, I do not mean role-playing or interacting in obviously-sexual ways. I mean that the man should find subtle ways of signalling to the woman that the control is erotic dominance rather than domineering control. Apparently there's a world of difference for women. :-) My wife would not be able to function well if I pushed too far or too fast. I've found that I have to be extremely sensitive to her most subtle wishes in order to get this right. Consent is essential. But the more I get it right, the better our connection becomes.

Another thing I've discovered is that withdrawing and giving her space when there's a problem compounds the problem by adding a feeling on her part of rejection. It turns out that I need to be more demanding and almost selfish instead of giving her space. When I stay connected with her, even if I am being demanding, and sometimes especially then, she does not feel rejected.

Erotic spanking has brought us closer. It is not punishment; rather it is a non-subtle expression of my affection for her. It is something she can take or leave when it is on its own, but when it is part of a bedroom feast, it is the spice that can really bring out a deeper flavour of passion. In fact, now that she is beginning to see that the effect on me of delivering such attention to her beautiful behind is so positive, discipline is (slowly) escaping from being a bedroom-only activity. In a way, you could say that she is leading the way, with the gentlest of loving pushes from behind by me. To try to move any faster would cause us to crash and burn.

There are other aspects of control that I use to underscore the fact that she is loved, but that she is also my woman. Women seem to like it when their man's a bit possessive but not oppressive, don't they? Like when you show a little concern about what she's wearing when she goes out without you – is it modest enough? This type of control makes her feel desirable. Or when you insist on speaking to her internet friend before she meets her in person. This makes her feel protected. Some of the best forms of control are those that make her feel protected, loved and desirable. My wife loves that kind of control, and she also likes to please me, so I have her serve me in various small ways.

When I get home from the office, I sit down and she gets me a drink while we talk about the day. Then she kneels at my feet and takes off my shoes. In the morning, she brings me coffee and makes my breakfast. These little rituals are not time-consuming or arduous so she can do them without feeling like a servant. She likes to please me but I can't push it too far. :-) She is very strong willed, but that's part of the fun. She does also submit to me and that brings us closer.

All this has meant an adjustment for both of us, and I try to handle my role responsibly, with regard for her health and wellbeing. We have been married a long time, but thanks to the discovery of spanking and control, we are still learning wonderful new things about each other and ourselves all the time. The journey continues.

Howard Frank

Taken In Hand tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
Is there consent?
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
The sweetest “Benevolent Dictatorship” ever
The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan: a book review
I don't want to be a servant or slave
Force of will
What's in it for the man? Freedom!
Being taken in hand is hot
Forbidden fruit?

2003 Nov 22 - 17:37 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Who's paying the bills?

Howard, you say you're not a man who is comfortable paying someone else's bills in perpetuity, but as a woman who's been raped myself, I feel I must speak out. You say your wife's limits are making you pay someone else's bills, but if you ignore or push her limits to much, you're making HER pay someone else's bills, and if she's anything like me, that's going to be unbearable for her. It's not your fault she was raped, but you could have chosen not to marry her. Having made that choice, you have a duty to respect her limits and not do things that make her uncomfortable. Remember: it's not her fault she was raped!

by prettygirl42 on 2003 Nov 22 - 18:44 | reply to this comment

Lucky wife!

Howard, your wife is very fortunate to have such a wonderful husband.

Where you said (below):

"Another thing I've discovered is that withdrawing and giving her space when there's a problem compounds the problem by adding a feeling on her part of rejection. It turns out that I need to be more demanding and almost selfish instead of giving her space. When I stay connected with her, even if I am being demanding, and sometimes especially then, she does not feel rejected."

That really spoke to me, as this is exactly what happens between my husband and myself when I ask for space. He doesn't allow that anymore, because it always causes problems between us. He demands that I tell him what's going on, and once I do, we can start working on resolving it.

As far as gently pushing her along, helping her grow, I commend you. Although I was not raped, I was abused, from multiple people and in various ways. My current level of trust in my husband did not happen overnight. But if he had not "gently pushed" me along, as you did for your wife, we would not have reached the level of intimacy we now have. Now I can revel in the freedom to enjoy all kinds of erotic play and relationship tools that I would have been far too afraid to enjoy before I met him.

I really enjoyed your article; thanks for writing it!

Amber

by Amber on 2003 Nov 22 - 23:02 | reply to this comment

Limited choices

Hi prettygirl42, firstly I'm sorry to hear you were raped and I hope it didn't cause someone you cared for to choose *not* to be with you. Secondly, you are correct when you say that I should be careful not to ignore or push her limits too far.

*Too far* in my lexicon is where actions exceed consent and trust. I need to trust in Sam and her consent for any of this to work, and she has to trust me and give me the consent that allows me to help her reclaim territory lost to old fears and trauma. It's not always easy, but it is a labour of love and as such is worth the effort.

You are also right when you say it is not her fault that she was raped. That has never been at issue for us, though I understand that it does present an even more difficult situation for people who need to assess blame. I am glad to have been spared that additional level of difficulty as Sam and I concentrate on moving forward and leave past traumas behind us.

Best regards,
Howard Frank

by Howard Frank on 2003 Nov 25 - 02:27 | reply to this comment

Selfish isn't *always* bad

Hi Amber, I'm glad you liked the article. I'm also glad that the things that work for Sam and I have also worked for others. I almost resisted adding the bit about being selfish, but sometimes it is necessary to do things for yourself that benefit others.

It's important to remember that there is a fine line that separates wanted and unwanted attention, but sometimes that line can be moved ever so slightly by trust when consent is pulling from the other side. THAT's when the magic happens.

Best regards,
Howard Frank

by Howard Frank on 2003 Nov 25 - 02:34 | reply to this comment

In the Hands of a Man

Howard --

This entire article is perfect -- and perfectly amazing!! There aren't many I ask my husband to read. It isn't my way to push things on him. But this article is so insightful, so full of true understanding of a woman's heart, that it has simply become a must-read -- even if I have to read it out loud to him!!

Thank you for sharing so very generously.

Kathy

by Kathy6963 on 2003 Nov 25 - 23:33 | reply to this comment

What Women Like

Good article. My wife's the same about "space"--takes it as rejection. This is probably a lesson for all the guys out there. My wife also likes it when I show a little possessiveness. She likes it that I require her to ask permission to go see a friend, and she likes it that I attach conditions if the friend is a male. She says it makes her feel like she's MINE.

by mrtom on 2003 Nov 30 - 17:54 | reply to this comment

Frank, thank you for confirmi

Frank, thank you for confirming that there are real man and real women out there who practice power exchange moderately, sensibly, consensually, lovingly, and with mutual respects. Let me join the chorus and chant to you how lucky your wife is :-)

-sudolly
-----------------------------
the belief in truth is precisely madness - Nietzsche

by sudolly on 2004 Mar 8 - 07:30 | reply to this comment

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