Why a man might be reluctant and what to do about it

Many women trying to introduce discipline dynamics into their relationship have trouble explaining their needs to their partner. They also wonder how to help the man understand how discipline dynamics will benefit him and the relationship they both share. Over the course of several years I have seen and heard women try different strategies, some working fairly well and some not working well at all. Based on this experience, I propose a multi-pronged approach.

First, it is most important to have a good grasp of the nature of your own needs. Talk with other women who have taken this road with success – those in successful intimate discipline relationships.

So what is the nature of the need for discipline? We can argue ad infinitum whether the need for discipline is nature or nurture and none of this really matters in the end. The fact is that we have a very real need for this kind of discipline engagement, and we relish the kind of interaction we gain through spanking, especially when there is an appearance of control such as in discipline. Oftentimes, erotic bedroom play alone is not enough: we want the interactive force that seems to take away our power and control. Ultimately, discipline is a way of enriching our intimacy, a different kind of loving.

If your man enjoys erotic spanking, it is possible to explain your desire for intimate discipline control dynamics as another form of sexual expression; i.e. spanking and related behaviors are a way of enriching and deepening intimacy. In conventional lovemaking, a woman often likes to be held by the hands or pinned underneath the man. This apparent giving up of intimate control unlocks an exchange that is powerful for both the man and woman. Discipline is like that – an exchange or interaction of the masculine and feminine sexual energy that manifests in deepening love.

If the man is hesitant at first to accept that you really, really want him to take this kind of control during the normal course of your relationship, the important thing is to listen to him carefully. Listen not only to what he is saying and asking, but also to clues of possible underlying unstated fears.

Here are some of the questions or concerns he may ask directly or may be thinking but may not voice.

1:) Do you want me to enforce your behavior, make you follow some set of rules or such? You are a grown woman so why can't you mind what you do yourself? It all sounds rather tedious and, to be honest, I really don't have the time or inclination to do this.

Do you really want him to enforce rules? Do you want to give him the impression that you want discipline because you have fundamental flaws in your personality or character that only a loving man can correct? Do you want to have the expectation that your partner should be responsible for your behavior within your intimate, adult relationship? If not, this perception of his, spoken or unspoken, must be corrected.

2:) Why can't we just spank like we used too? You know, when we are going to make love, kind of that kinky little element that is really so delightful?

In answer to this, explain how his taking control of the spanking has a much more powerful effect for you than the ‘fun stuff’ alone does.

3:) It seems to me that you (the woman) may have some serious emotional disturbance. Perhaps you should see a doctor or a psychiatrist or something. Why else would you want me to beat you, forcing you to give up control of what you want? Why else would you want a pretty serious thrashing?

This thought is likely to go through most men's minds, so give it some serious consideration. You are perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, intelligent, successful in your life and in your social and professional standing. But you want your intimate partner to unceremoniously turn you over his lap and give you a sound bare bottom spanking. What could possibly be wrong?

Truth is, nothing is wrong. Spanking is inherently erotic. But the control element creates an intimate exchange that enriches the experience of both the man and the woman. The control is so crucial in this exchange that very little can be gained without it. Using spanking as the behavior gateway because of its erotic content for us, this control has the power to transform the man-woman intimate bond into something that is, for us, natural and sublime.

Spanking the woman with control has the power to give the man a real and conscious awareness of his natural place in his intimate relationship. He is in charge of the intimacy of the couple, not responsible for the behavior conduct of anyone but himself. This sense of his enhanced masculinity permeates throughout the relationship, deepening his intimate bond of connection.

I think this will give many women a place to start explaining to the man what he will gain by beginning the practice of intimate discipline in his relationship. The details a couple chooses will vary as each relationship varies but, I think, the fundamental dynamic of discipline must be the same for all. Discipline, regardless of its form or context, always involves a fundamental dynamic exchange or interaction within our sexuality, an intimate connection of the masculine and feminine that is both delicious and sublime. We need the discipline or control to enhance this exchange or it is very weak. In the end, the man gains what the woman gains – a sense of his true self and his true masculine nature in his intimacy, the ability to deepen and genuine joy in experiencing greater depths in human love.

Frank Nelson

Have you seen the following articles?
Who says you have to be submissive?
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
I love living under my husband's authority
Blush and Gary, by Gary
Why you should not withhold spanking!
Blanket consent
Secretary: what did you think of this film?
A love letter
Authority in a Taken In Hand relationship
Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?

2003 Nov 21 - 15:15 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

In Charge of the Intimacy?

Frank, you said "He is in charge of the intimacy of the couple". What do you mean by that? I've never thought of my role as being that.

by mrtom on 2003 Nov 30 - 17:57 | reply to this comment

answer to question,,,in charge of intimacy

>Frank, you said "He is in charge of the intimacy of the couple". >What do you mean by that? I've never thought of my role as being >that.

I believe instead of having rules and such that a man enforces, a different approach is to consider that the wife will in general deal with much of the household details....decorating, planning and preparing for family get togethers, etc. True enough, the husband will help but in general I think (my experience anyway) the wife will pretty much take care of the over all planning. I don't want to genralize but over and over again I see and hear this theme played out in marriages everywhere.

The wife, however, does want and need her husbands input. If he doesn't like soemthing she has planned, say he doesn't really like the menu plannned for whatever reason (just an example) then she does want him to say so instead of just letting it go and letting her have 'her way.' Women seem to be interested in this kind of planning, at least more so than men (i.e. decorating the home),

and I believe this interest comes from a fundamental connection need or drive in the woman. A pleasant home is attractive and she will generally want it decorated for family connection rather than only her own sense of pleasantness. Though, of course, her own sense of pleasantness will play a large role because she also needs to feel she belongs to her home and has emotional ownership there.

But in order for this to work, she does need feedback from her husband and she does want this feedback to come decisively in the form of him having the 'final say' in what it is she is doing. This decisiveness adds to the connection, she is sure of it and feels a sense of security and protection knowing her husband has authoritatively decided that her selected connection is actually connecting the couple.

From this brief example, by saying the husband is in charge of the intimacy I mean that he has final say in the decisons of the wife in her bid for connection, an authority which gives power to both the husband as protector and the wife as the one who has found her own way to creatively express the whole family connection in her decorations, planning, shopping for clothes, etc.

I hope this helps explain a little bit of what I mean.

Frank

by Frank Nelson on 2003 Dec 5 - 02:34 | reply to this comment

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.