Our journey through BDSM to Taken in Hand
J is a naturally dominant man, but we are both highly-educated professionals and our marriage was born out of a long-term professional friendship. So it began rather egalitarian. Over time, J has taken more and more of a leadership position in our relationship. It has been a beautiful experience.
Early in our relationship, my husband and I started playing sex games. Usually, I came up with a scenario and we played it on from there. Often there was some BDSM mixed in, to heighten the intensity.
I have been reflecting lately on all I learned about myself from our intimate relationship and assorted sexual adventures, and how it progressed to the relationship we have today. Before anyone shoots at me, I am NOT saying I have a problem with BDSM or kinky sex, I just want to share things I learned personally about myself.
The first time J gave me a sound spanking was under the pretense of Daddy giving his naughty little girl a spanking. I remember trembling as he sat on the bed and told me to remove my pants. It was powerfully erotic. Yeah, it was kinky sex, but there was a fulfillment in surrendering control to a loving authority figure as well.
Then there was the day Alex and Jasmine were born. Alex was a wealthy and powerful landowner whose men had just purchased for him a new concubine. On that first day, Alex had come to take possession of an incredible prize. A beautiful spirited woman, a princess of her own people. She was HIS now, and he intended to teach her respect and submission. He wanted her for his own and would bring her into submission by force if necessary. He said to her, “I can be a kind and loving man, but I can be cruel to those who disobey me.”
She fought him. On the second day of the game, she was taught that she would be punished for disobedience or refusal to submit.
On the third day, she was not punished, but told only to go to his bed, where he made love to her, as his own.
On a later date we brought back the Alex and Jasmine characters. This time Alex viewed Jasmine not as a valuable prize to be tamed for his will, but as a worthless sex slave to be used and degraded.
The first Alex and Jasmine scene was gratifying to me. The second, even though it provided a release, and was erotic, left me feeling hollow inside.
It was a subtle distinction, but important from what I came to realize about myself from it.
The Alex and Jasmine game was truly just a way to try to experience feelings I wanted to feel in real life, with my real husband, by playing them out in a very exaggerated way. It wasn't that I was into pain (I generally avoid it) or pretend domination, I wanted to feel I was under the dominant authority of my husband, and I used these games to feel that.
I don't want to be property like Jasmine, but I want to feel that I am J's most prized possession. His treasure. His wife, only his, that he jealously guards with his love and protection.
I don't want to be a slave, that jumps at her master's every command while he lies on the divan. But I do want to be able to do what is expected of me. To serve my family as an expression of my great love. To live in an ordered household that has a clear leader: my husband. A leader who also serves his family, but who is unquestionably the leader.
I don't want to be beneath J, as an inferior, as a slave chained at his feet, but INSIDE him, where I feel surrounded by him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He envelops me. I am part of him, as his own body. I am safe inside him.
I don't want to forbidden to have any say or opinion about my own life, or to be punished for every mistake I make, but I want to be lovingly led. And I want him to have high expectations of me and to hold me accountable. Because he loves and treasures me.
I don't want to be forced into an artificial submission with whips and chains. I want to enjoy a real submission to J's very real masculine power and presence. This is manifest in the way we live every day, the way he leads me and helps me grow. It is in how we talk together and work together and worship together. It is in the way we make love. Sometimes it might mean he disciplines me, out of love because sometimes I need to physically, tangibly, feel his correction and dominance. Because there is something going on in me that I need to have brought into submission.
I am not proposing an end to imaginative sex – indeed, we may propose many more interesting games in years to come. It is fun for us. But I have come to recognize that Alex and Jasmine (at least in its original form) gave me something emotionally that I needed in order to feel complete as a woman. It was a way to feel certain things by playing an exaggerated game. I want to be J's most treasured possession, guarded with his life, nurtured and cared for, guided and led.
I feel calm and complete when I feel submission in my heart. It is just how I am made.
Knowing he has me right there in his hand makes me feel stronger and more secure as a woman.
Have you seen the following articles?
When rape is a gift
Acts of love
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
Can you be Taken In Hand if you're not submissive?
Could you be a slave, owned, property?
Taken in hand by tenderness
The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman: book review
Different strokes for different folks
Never do without sex again
Give me intensity or give me death!
Comments
#1 Hands are powerful
"Knowing he has me right there in his hand makes me feel stronger and more secure as a woman."
I so agree!
My darling brought the Taken In Hand dynamic to me by literally placing his hands over mine and leading me to the website. He held my hands in his as he showed me the things that interested him and what spoke to him most.
Hands are so personal, so intimate, and so tender - yet so powerful, strong and even dangerous. For me, being in his hands (Taken In Hand or simply holding his hand on the couch) is exactly what I need.
#2 Alex and Jasmine
"Alex and Jasmine" was a beautiful way of discovering who you are and what you really want in a relationship. Like you, I love the power exchange of the D/s relationship. I want to be treasured and taken care of. When my lover punishes me, it is not for "disobedience" so much as it is for not being kind to myself. I'm disciplined for deliberately exposing myself to food allergies (not the anaphylactic type, just the sensitivity type - I'm NOT suicidal!) just because I really want a burger, for instance. I'm disciplined for saying I don't accept myself as a beautiful, desirable woman to him. His theory is that in order to be good for him, I must first be good to me. I must be healthy, physically and mentally. Who can object to a friend and lover who truly has your best interests at heart?