Giving each other what we need

Trust and safety are major issues for many women: a surprising number of us seem to have had very dysfunctional relationships with authority in our lives, and are often very tough on the outside as a result of this. We tend not to surrender our submission until we know that our partner is worthy of our trust, and is able to keep us safe. When it does happen, the result is that we can drop our defenses – which often yields greater peace than we have ever known.

A man who is naturally dominant enough to assert his own boundaries and get what he wants in life inspires that sense of trust and safety. My husband is big, smart, handsome, and financially secure. Being with him means that, after a lifetime of taking shit from men, nobody will ever fuck with me again. That, right there, is more peace than I've ever had.

Knowing that makes me want to give him my submission – and my gratitude. For us, as for many couples here, that gratitude includes giving him unfettered, unquestioned sexual access, instantly, upon demand. This is not a boundary I'm interested in defending against him in any way, so there is no whining or snottiness or grudging behavior allowed. Even if I'm tired, grumpy, or busy, the only answer this wonderful man ever deserves is YES, with a kiss and a smile.

This gift, from me to him, has transformed our lives. I think women shut down sexually when they're concerned that they can't trust their partner to give them what they want without vigilance and boundary-setting. Since I trust my husband in all things, I can surrender that worry – and so I don't shut down. With all that inner chatter silenced, I'm astonished to find that my body is constantly ready, hungry even, to accept his desire and pleasure.

I think a lot of men also experience their sexual needs as a burden: even married men are constantly worried about how they're going to get their needs met. They have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get women to have sex with them. It's exhausting – and, over time, it wounds their egos.

Which is why my husband reports an incredible sense of ease and peace since I gave him full access to me. He never worries about if or how he's going to get laid. That part of his life is now simple: he gets what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it, when he wants it. No begging, no apologies, no guilt! It's deeply validating for him as a man, and has greatly increased his confidence in the world. He says, “It's amazing to hang out with other guys, and know that I've got a love life at home that most of them can't even imagine. It absolutely makes me feel like I'm the top dog.”

My Big Guy got this gift because he was willing to take me in hand – that is, set boundaries and standards, use his strength to defend me (even against myself), earn my trust, and keep me safe. I can trust him with total access because I know he will never abuse it (or me); and that he's the kind of guy who will reward the gift ten times over. We both know that if that trust were ever damaged, I would have to re-think the agreement. (If the relationship was going south, I suspect this would happen long before we ever got to the point of talking to lawyers.)

A lot of the comments up above reflect a lack of clarity about a) the role trustworthiness and safety play in taking a woman in hand; b) the fact that free access is a gift that can only be given, not taken (thus eliminating the legal concerns); and c) the sheer erotic force this kind of surrender opens up for both parties.

I hear a lot of women concerned about preserving their right to negotiate and set boundaries. That's fear talking – and me, I could never submit to someone I was that afraid of. But once the fear was gone, the need or desire to set that boundary vanished with it. What took its place was an almost constant arousal and desire for my beloved.

I hear a lot of men who are confused about how to take a woman. You don't take her, guys: you inspire her to give it up to you. You show her she's safe. You make it clear that you're willing and ready to take charge of things that she finds aggravating. You let her know that when she's under your dominant care, she will want for nothing.

If you want a Taken In Hand relationship, find the right girl and give her safe haven. Win her trust. Make her safe. Show her that, in your world, the walls exist to protect her – and they will always hold. If you've found the right woman, she'll be so eternally grateful she'll never leave your side. And someday, if you're lucky, she may even agree to turn your love life into one lifelong, eternal YES.

Aurora (Mercuria)

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Acts of love
Learning the ropes
Shades of grey
Secretary: the film
Love and fear
What does the man get out of it? Many things!
On being the servant-leader in my relationship
How is this different from other male-led relationships?
Is Taken In Hand about discipline?
What Taken In Hand has done for our marriage
Stereotypes

2005 Aug 11 - 15:57 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Sex and gratitude

I don't personally have sex with my husband out of gratitude. I have found that having a Taken In Hand relationship has made me want to have sex any time he wants it. I wasn't much in the habit of refusing him sex before we had a Taken In Hand relationship, but find that having one means I never feel like refusing anyway. Gratitude doesn't come into it.

by Louise C on 2005 Aug 11 - 19:38 | login or register to post comments

Aurora

I think that a lot of women who have fear and trust issues with the man in their lives, may well have been victims of child molestation. Sexual abuse, when young, is a major cause of a lot of these types of issues in women.

A primary result of childhood sexual abuse is an inability for a woman (now grown) to trust men (if a man is the gender that molested her)...or those of the same gender as the parent who refused to believe/protect her (if a parent in fact did this.)

I have thought about this a lot, and I suspect its one reason why so many women have trust issues with the men in their lives, and why once they deal with those aspects of their past, they can settle down and finally trust their husband. It doesn't have to have been childhood abuse; it can also be mistrust stemming from poor relationships with men in their lives apart from that. But IMO the best thing for such women is a Taken In Hand relationship with a GOOD man, once she CAN trust. To show her that not all men are like the one (s) that once hurt her.

by BlueRose on 2005 Aug 11 - 21:20 | login or register to post comments

Well done

Well said. I am in just such a relationship and it is a wonder. Thank you for your words.

by Sassy2 on 2005 Aug 12 - 12:31 | login or register to post comments

What we need isn't always sex

While I agree fully that overcming fear has been what allowed me to take part in our Taken In Hand relationship, I must say that our "needs" are almost never sexual ones.

I too love the knowledge that no one person or circumstance will ever mess with me again. My Darling will take care of anything; everything. That particular safety is exactly what I need.

He needs to know that he is providing that safety- that it's a direct result of his actions. He needs to know that I belong to him, and that I will always be there for him, emotionally. He needs to know that I'm not going anywhere. My actions, my words, my ability to let him lead- they all reflect his direct provision of my personal and emotional safety. They show him that I support him. They show that I'm fully engaged in being his support, in encouraging anything he chooses to pursue. I show him, tell him, and act in ways that let him know- I'm HIS.

While he enjoys sex, it's not a bartered commodity for us. There's no "if-then" or "because"; sex happens - we enjoy intimacy and we love each other. Him keeping me safe has very little to do with it.

I will have to say that our interest has certainly been inspired through our Taken In Hand dynamics; and we've enjoyed a much richer sex life with it.

However, more/full access to sex was not directly related to the provision of safety in our case. His protection has allowed me to offer him other things (in my case, much deeper, more intimate things than my body) than sex. He's never had to worry about a lack of sex at our house- usually, he's had to fight me off. (haha)

His reward for having made me wholly protected, loved and adored is much richer than getting laid whenever he wants. His needs are more complex than physical desires.

I agree again- once I felt safe, my walls and boundaries vanished. I was able to give him what he needed, freely and lovingly. But in our case, it wasn't sex.

by Quietly His on 2005 Aug 13 - 15:35 | login or register to post comments

Complex needs

I am very curious about the nature of those non-sexual but very intimate needs.

by Anne-Sophie on 2005 Sep 8 - 23:39 | login or register to post comments

Complex needs simplified (maybe)

I'll admit, I'm one of those "high maintenance" girls. I need lots of attention, a lot of confidence building, and so forth. My Darling has been able to get through a lot of my serious emotional crud and get me to a place where I feel SAFE. LOVED. Special, important, valued. Like I matter.

All of that's stuff that's seriously important to me. I need it. He provides it in many ways, and offers me a great deal more. Most of what we need from each other is emotional-most of it.

Much Affection,
Quietly His

by Quietly His on 2005 Sep 16 - 01:27 | login or register to post comments

Abuse and Trust Issues

I came from an abusive (physically and sexually) upbringing and as a result it did take me awhile to trust my husband enough to be able to give myself to him completely. Although I have never denied my husband sex, I am a much more responsive sexual partner than in the past because trust allows me to be more intimate with him after nearly 18 years (half of my lifespan) together.

I don't think we could have entered into a Taken In Hand relationship when we first got together (I was 18 and he was 43 at the time) as I would have been hesitant about submitting to his authority early in our relationship for fear of being abused. He promised me that he would never hurt me (that took a bit of negotiating when we began a Taken In Hand relationship, LOL) and he has kept that promise - being spanked is not hurtful or abusive because I have given him my consent.

My husband's trustworthiness has allowed me to surrender to him in a way that goes beyond being sexually "available" to him - I am now a passionate participant when it comes to sharing sexual imtimacy. I had been sexually active most of my life but it was my husband who taught me to make love. He has earned my trust because he is trustworthy. I could never respect him the way I do if he misused his authority in our relationship.

by Ember on 2005 Nov 9 - 10:52 | login or register to post comments

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