Hi Debra, I've never shared with another soul what Gary and I practice. Firstly I doubt people really understand what I am saying, but some press so here is my version of why I am happy.

I start by saying we have a more 'traditional' type of marriage.

I am loved and spoiled beyond a doubt but I also live in a more 'giving' style. Gary knows and asks about everything that makes me happy.

But when it comes to decision time, I defer to his final say. I am happy to do what he asks, as he does the same in return.

And then I stop.

I certainly do not talk about spanking or accountability. I do say he is the 'boss' of the relationship but that was something we agreed on.

But if the ones questioning are very smart, they will ask what happens when you disagree with a decision.

No-one has every asked me and I'd often wondered when I'm going to get nailed.

But if asked, I do say it is not always easy to go along with what he says, but it is in my best interest and we settle things in our way.

But bottom line, I am in love, loved more than anyone can imagine, and very, very happy.....Blush

I say you should be honest and say yes, he does hit me, and I love him for it. Is everybody so scared of being true to themselves, these days? You have nothing to be ashamed of.

When my fiancé and I decided to start a DD relationship, he was very worried about someone finding out and reporting us to the authorities. It was his understanding that no matter how much I protested and told them I consented completly, well meaning people would intervene. Has anyone ever aproached this problem before? How did you handle it?

I'm very impressed by your savoir-faire in being able to tell people honestly about your spanking relationship. however, when you say you tell people it's merely a traditional relationship, not BDSM, I'm not sure that it isn't more difficult to admit to a 'traditional' relationship. I mean, a lot of people might find BDSM easier to accept, the assumption being that it's for fun, not serious. I know when I first came upon this website, I was thrown into a turmoil of conflicting emotions as I said incredulously "these people are serious? This isn't just some kind of sexual game, they actually live like this for REAL" (unless of course I have completely misunderstood the nature of this site and you are all just fantasists). Admitting you like being spanked is one thing (though actually I've never been able to admit even that to 'normal' people). But admitting you actually live in a serious DD relationship with a man, that you actually let him discipline you for real, let him tell you what to do, what time to go to bed, control your spending power, even in some cases CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS, I can't see myself ever having the nerve to admit that!

Can't I keep something private without being called not honest, not true to myself, and ashamed of myself? Is privacy dishonesty?

It is also very erotic to keep secret personal details of your relationship with your husband. It creates a deep bond between two people that noone else can share in.

About 10 years ago at a hospital picnic my husband was sitting with a bunch of other doctors talking and I came up behind him to check in so to speak. He told me to check on the kids, which I had just done, and he told me to go check again. I knew that meant they were talking about something, so I left to go check the kids again. Well that started talk. One of the other guys asked if I always did what he said and he told them "Yes". Amazingly, three others said their wives did also (all three are foreign, one was an arranged marriage). The other guys liked the idea apparantly and some told their wives. My husband told me I should get together with the other three like-minded wives sometime and get to know them. I did and we became great friends.

Unfortunately the other wives weren't enamored with us and one, Sarah, named us "The Stepford Wives". We got called that for years. About 4 years later, Sarah called to have lunch with me. I didn't want to go, but my husband insisted. He thought she might want to make amends or something and I should give her the chance. (We had always been polite to each other at functions).

As it turns out, she was facing divorce and her husband apparantly had told her years ago if she spent less time making fun of the Stepford Wives and acted more like us, they might make it to their 10th anniversary. She was humble and honest and it took me by surprise. I told her about "Surrendered Wife" because it's the only book I could think of off-hand, and I honestly didn't know where she was coming from for the most part. I invited her to our bi-weekly lunch with the other Stepford Wives to try to encourage her and we hit it off.

Things went well, then about 3 years ago Sarah found this website and told us about it. She started printing things out, and eventually taught us all how to get on the site ourselves. That brought up conversation about the physical side of our relationships which we had never talked about before. One friend readily admitted this already existed in their relationship, and the other three of us admitted it also, although more reluctantly. Sarah took that idea home and they have since added that to their relationship. This happened after years of friendship and instinctively knowing that we were safe to talk about it with each other.

My point is just that you can talk to someone who notices that your relationship is different and ASKS by suggesting a book, or talk about eliminating power struggles, and do so without giving away the farm. It's not illegal to have a traditional reltaionship (I know you don't like referring to it that way,Louise, but for us it is traditional). You may help someone make it to their 10th wedding anniversary, and you may just end up with like-minded friends.

Charity

You know, it may sound funny to some folks, but I don't consider hitting and spanking to be the same thing. Maybe it's because hitting is something that I perceive as something that is forcibly DONE TO someone and spanking is something that I SUBMIT TO having done to me...I'm not really sure.

Many, many years ago, I was engaged to a man (who by the way is NOT my husband and never got the opportunity to be my husband). He was a heavy drinker, and when he drank, he got mean. One night, he got drunk and hauled off and hit me in the face (I don't even remember why). The next day, he apologized profusely, said he had never done anything like that before, and promised he would never do it again. I decided that everyone makes mistakes, so I forgave him with the warning that if he EVER hit me again, I would be gone forever.

Things went "okay" for about a month and the wedding plans continued. I started to really see some red flags because I noticed he resented the time I spent with my best friend (a married woman) selecting her bridesmaid's dress. He didn't like me riding my motorcycle. He called me constantly at work, to the point I almost couldn't perform my duties and nearly lost my job--if I hadn't complained to my boss about it first, I might have. There were other indications that this was not a safe man for me to be with and I was beginning to have second thoughts.

One Friday night when I was spending the weekend with him, the following day was declared a mandatory work day for my department. I went to bed before he did. After I had drifted off, he came into the bedroom and turned off the alarm. Since he worked for the same company, he knew missing a mandatory work day could be cause for dismissal. I sleepily asked him why he had done that and he told me he'd turn it back on when he came to bed. Since that made no sense to me, I reset the alarm myself.

The next day, while I was at work, he took my daughter to the flea market. She later told me he drank beer all day. That night, we went out to eat supper together. He continued to drink heavily and nothing pleased him--not the food, not the service, not the company he was keeping. By the time we came back to his place, I was miserable. Trying not to aggrevate him, I tucked my daughter into bed in his spare room and then quietly got out my book and sat down to read it. He very snidely told me that was JUST what I needed to do, read a damn book! I asked him what he WANTED me to do. I don't remember the reply but I pulled off the engagement ring, picked up my car keys, and was about to get my daughter from her bedroom when my world exploded. He snatched my car keys from me and threw them somewhere. He then threw ME into the bedroom and began to choke me. I nearly bit his thumb off trying to get him to let me have air. He apparently realized what he'd done, because he suddenly grew apologetic and took me into the bathroom to clean the blood off my face, but while he was wiping my face, he exploded again and shoved me backward into the bathtub. I apologized for making him angry, put my engagement ring back on, and told him I would stay. This apparently calmed him down. I couldn't find a safe way to get both my daughter and I out of that house until Monday morning when I left for work (we had concocted a story for our coworkers of how my face and his thumb had gotten messed up). I took my daughter to school and then went to work and told my boss what had happened. He advised me to get a restraining order, which I did. AFTER all this happened, other coworkers came forward and told me they had known he was abusive to previous girlfriends but didn't quite know how to tell me.

THAT is what I consider hitting.

About a year later, I met a wonderful man who eventually became my current husband. When WE were engaged, I did that little thing hinting around that I wanted him to try spanking me. I don't even remember the reason I felt I should be spanked. He agreed and told me what day I would get my spanking (on a night my daughter would be visiting other family members for the evening). Of course, waiting three days to get my spanking just ADDED to the effect of it! It probably wasn't all that hard a spanking compared to some that I get now, but none since have ever had quite the impact that one did. Every single time I used the ladies' room at work the next day, I could feel the reminder of the kiss of his hand and my little rubber-ball paddle (you know, the kind with rubber band connecting the paddle to the ball?). This little thrill ran up my spine as I thought about how he had spanked me the night before and I just lost my heart to him.

What happens in our household now that we are married and have agreed on spankings for discipline (as well as for erotic reasons), things are more along the lines of my husband (who to my way of thinking has NEVER hit me) telling me to come to him when I am about to be disciplined. I already know why it's going to happen, although it certainly comes up again just before the spanking begins. Then he usually tells me to lay over the end of the bed (although we recently agreed other positions are okay too). He will ask if I am ready. Upon my nod or verbal say-so, the spanking will commence and the burning in my bottom proceeds to build up.

To me, that is NOT the same thing as hitting.

Now, would I recommend you tell your sister that your husband spanks you? Hmmmm...I'm not sure. It probably depends on how much you trust her. I think I side with those whose advice is to keep certain things between the two of you. OR you could make a joke of it..."yep, he spanks me when I'm bad...and I am so, so bad" (then laugh).

Learning how to behave,
Shelly