Narcissistic dominance vs Taken In Hand dominance

Dominance is often viewed as an outward trait of competitiveness and imposition. Always having to have it your way is domineering not dominance. It is narcissistic and self-serving. However, this definition is how many define “dominant” so the selfish are often mistaken for dominant. Most miss the truly dominant man who quietly reveals himself when needed, then, when his influence is no longer required, he slips back into the crowd. The blowhard gains the attention, while the dominant man provides a quiet word, a supportive hand or, sometimes, a smack on the backside. He does not seek to control, only to guide. His concern is for others.

However, the narcissistic ‘dominant’ man does apparently have an attraction. The Economist has an article about a study where women were found to be attracted to narcissistic ‘dominant’ men but only when in a relationship with someone else, and only when most fertile.

The traits used to define dominant men who are sadly narcissistic:

Deciding who is and is not a dominant male is the first question, of course. To do this, the researchers turned to one of the world's most widely used experimental animals, the hard-up male student. Their subjects were asked to rate such things as their tendency to correct others, to want to control conversations, and to surpass others' accomplishments, in a questionnaire designed to assess their dominance. In their paper in Biology Letters the researchers laconically observe that dominance in this questionnaire “corresponds to the scale ‘Narcissism’ in the widely used California psychological inventory.”

This study sought out individuals with traits generally regarded as dominant by society. However, to me the traits are not ones best suited for a Taken In Hand relationship. Perhaps what a Taken In Hand relationship needs is not a narcissistic ‘dominant’ man but a leader. A leader corrects others only to keep them on track, promotes varied conversation to encourage growth and supports the accomplishment of others so that those he has taken into his charge surpass even him in their abilities. The leader is dominant in that he influences others but he doesn't seek to control them.

Society considers those who control others as dominant but they may only be domineering. A leader doesn't control others but may be dominant in that he influences the lives of others. A narcissistic ‘dominant’ man creates a big scene to garner attention to his ‘dominance.’ A leader dominates quietly, many times without ever being noticed. Ordering a woman to her knees draws the attention to the man and all his ‘power’, even if it is just she who notices. Guiding a woman to a place of contentment and affection where she kneels before him to enhance her feelings of surrender draws attention to the relationship and all its power, even if no one notices.

Jeff

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Could this kind of relationship be for you?
How is this different from other male-led relationships?
Why is BDSM so popular?
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
Why do some prefer a Taken In Hand relationship to a conventional relationship?
Resolving an internal conflict
Out of control, insane, driven by our emotions? No way!
Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle
A reality check for critics
The subjection of women

2005 Jul 18 - 18:37 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Domineering vs dominant

Jeff,

What a great small review of research!

While I never addressed the issue of "narcissisim," - that is perhaps the centerpiece of this whole topic of differentiation.

A narcissistic individual only thinks of his/her needs; often views the world in black or white... and is inept at being able to love in a healthy way.

I again am reminded of that "Master-slave" concept. I would find no pleasure in just being ordered to do something - as if my only lot in life were to gratify their needs, or "wants."

Such "blind obedience" would only rob me of my sense of self.

I would think that a "Dominant"/leader/partner would want their "submisive" to *give* of themselves freely - knowing that the behaviors stem from love, devotion and respect as opposed to some sort of forced servitude.

by Kiva on 2005 Jul 18 - 18:48 | reply to this comment

Hear Hear

A very fine posting indeed; a corrective to too much stuff that is seen online. What a huge difference between 'domineering' and 'dominant'.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jul 19 - 14:19 | reply to this comment

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