Sublimated desires

I grew up in the late 1960s and 1970s, a time when many feminists seemed anti-male and brazenly so. I remember the bra-burning episodes, the SCUM Manifesto (society for cutting up men) of Valerie Solanis, the “I am a castrating bitch” pins, the slogan, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle”, the Take Back The Night marches that men were excluded from on the grounds that “all men are rapists”. In short, I experienced feminism at its most raw and ugly.

Many women have felt intimidated and pressured by some of the hateful material coming out of some parts of the feminist movement. What were they to think when they read books arguing that if a woman fantasizes about being dominated by a man she loves, she is sick, has low self-esteem, is brainwashed by a male-dominated patriarchy? Whether or not women read such material, the idea that we should all be equal in our intimate relationships seeped through into mainstream culture and made it unsafe for women to admit to such desires.

Many women have tried to convince themselves that they are dominant or ‘equal’ to men, while in their hearts, they dream of living under the authority of a man. Some women have fought their deep desires so strongly that they have protested too much, demanded their rights stridently – as much to convince themselves as to convince men. This has not been conducive to good relationships between men and women in the last 30 years or more.

Feminists are often very well-intentioned. Many are in favour of real choice. There are a number of feminists writing wonderful articles and comments on this site. And feminism is not the only force that has had damaging effects on intimate relationships. But for whatever reasons, relationships have been damaged. Intimate connections are weaker. Attraction between man and wife has decreased. And many men have become afraid of women, angry and bitter. Many men feel deeply resentful towards women yet still want and need female companionship. Some men are now denying this need just as vigorously as many women have denied their need for a man.

I've always been grateful that I was not the typical female, in that mostly all of my close friends were and are men. I was never “one of the girls”, I never took part in hen parties, slumber parties, or any of that. I always found what most girls talked about to be boring and nonsensical. It's a good thing, or I might have been fully sucked into the “equality at all costs [even at the cost of denying our deep need to submit to a man]” that so many other women were sucked into. As it was, I did get affected by this to a small degree; it was hard not to, in this society. But, it could have been much worse. Maybe this is why I see things as I do, and why I say things that other women are too afraid to say (apart from women here on Taken In Hand).

Some would say I am a doormat female with low self-esteem, needing to get my identity from a man. For the record, I spent much of my childhood as a tomboy. In many ways, I still am one. I control the family television during the Tour De France each July, so as not to miss any of it. I loved to play baseball as a kid – I am very competitive and driven in playing sports. I almost let myself get run over by a car while racing my teenage son cycling recently. All that mattered to me was that I win. Does that sound like a weak-minded doormat of a woman to you? Me neither.

I also have a lot of opinions and a big mouth, and I know how to use it when I think I need to! Nope, no passive doormat here! My Dad would never have raised a doormat. I am a very dominant woman, but I am assertive enough to know what I really want, and I go get it. And nothing pleases me more than to sweetly surrender in the arms of my husband, to be taken by him, to have him above me, taking his pleasure with me. It is something I dream about even when he is not here. Does that mean I'm “weak”? “Brainwashed”? No! It means I am a strong woman who has the guts to know what she wants, and seeks to get it. So why have I been castigated by feminists again and again?

Under societal pressure to prefer an ‘equal’ relationship, many women have turned to fantasy, female erotica and BDSM in order to get their fix of control by a man. I myself was drawn to BDSM when I was a teenager for that reason. At the time I just figured it was because I was kinky. I see things much more clearly now. A lot of the fetishism and extreme elements of the BDSM scene turned me off; I found myself drawn primarily to the D/s aspect, of male domination/female submission, and spanking. But not being submissive to just any male – it has to be a male I love, trust and admire. Is that kinky? Or is it just being normal? Who can say any more, now that so many women have denied themselves the pleasure of the kind of relationship they would really prefer.

BDSM is safe because the movement falls over itself trying to prove itself non-sexist and pansexual. Many practitioners stress repeatedly that once the bedroom door is opened, the partners are fully equal. There has been a massive explosion of interest in BDSM, and especially BDSM erotica books geared to women (almost all of which is male dominant/female submissive) with companies like Blue Moon, Nexus (UK) and Black Lace (UK) springing up in the last 30 years. Many women who have been pressured into believing that they “really don't want” male domination, and many women who don't want to be judged by their female peers as being weak, outwardly act aggressive, feminist, superior, etc., but in secret, they indulge in the world of BDSM male domination erotica, precisely because it is a safe (politically correct, non-taboo-violating) way of getting their fix. If a desire is suppressed in one area, it will emerge elsewhere.

If such women could admit to themselves what they really want, there would be no need to seek dark corners for such fulfillment. They could be getting it from their own husbands! Taken In Hand may not be to every woman's taste, but I wouldn't be surprised if a great many more women find it to their taste than know about it now.

I truly believe the attitudes and intimidation I have mentioned above have destroyed the male-female connection. Fortunately there are some who have the courage to speak out. For a long time, I thought I was the only one, until I found the Taken In Hand website. Until I stumbled upon Taken In Hand I truly thought maybe I was bonkers! Not that I would have cared, since I've always been very individualistic and nonconformist in my thinking, but it does help to know that I'm not the only woman who feels this way.

BlueRose

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Why is BDSM so popular?
Taken In Hand by an ardent feminist
The F-word
Has feminism gone too far?
Getting To "I Do", by Patricia Allen: a book review
The Taming of the Shrew
Taken In Hand means different things to different people
Can physical chastisement cure bad habits?
The subjection of women
The erotic power of the unshackled man

2005 Jul 9 - 01:24 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Very interesting article, BlueRose!

I wonder what proportion of women who are in the BDSM community, or who read BDSM erotica, or indeed some of the more raunchy romance novels, might like to be in a Taken In Hand relationship. We certainly seem to get a lot of women coming here from elsewhere.

Very interesting article, BlueRose!

by the boss on 2005 Jul 9 - 01:35 | reply to this comment

Getting it from their own husbands

The thing is, many people prefer to keep the details of their sex lives private, they don't want to broadcast it to the world, so there is no way of knowing how many coupls may be living a Taken In Hand lifestyle without necessarily wanting it widely known. They may not be sublimating their desires, they may be getting what they want from their own husbands, but they don't necessarily want eveyone knowing the details.

Remember what Mrs Patrick Campbell said "I don't care what people do as long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses" People may be doing whatever they want in their own homes, but they keep quiet about it because they don't want to frighten the horses.

by Louise C on 2005 Jul 9 - 08:23 | reply to this comment

Getting it from their husbands

Louise C says (July 9th) '..so there is no way of knowing how many couples may be living in a Taken in Hand lifestyle.' May I suggest, though it is only a small sample of 78, that the 60% who could identify fully and 24% partially with the recent poll on the posting, 'Alternative Therapy', suggests that many of us are leading a very different lifestyle from that which is commonly believed to exist out in the big wide world.

The poll result does not surprise me at all and, without 'seeking converts', let us try and find out how common our 'different' lifestyle is... I suspect we would find, perhaps not very scientifically, that it is very common.

Since we cannot be identified and, rightly, want to keep our identity private, why not let us, hopefully normal, articulate, free-thinking people, married or in long-term relationships, respond more freely to polls such as this.

Taken In Hand readers write here because they are articulate and intelligent - can we not help help those less fortunate by showing that the world is not black and white but, deliciously, made of thousands of shades, some believed 'kinky' but so commonplace as to be normal... all in all love is not a £15,000 wedding, a semi in Surbiton, 2.5 children, a Ford Fiesta in the garage, a quick 'missionary' twice a week(lovely though the missionary position is, as recently pointed out here) etc etc... it is being so deeply and hopelessly part of your lover whether you are the one 'in charge' or the one 'cared for'. It is like paired electrons, they are very difficult to to separate but if separated will keep trying to get back to their partners... for ever.

by ovid on 2005 Jul 11 - 09:17 | reply to this comment

The Twisted Generation?

I enjoyed reading the essay, Blue Rose. I've really found a lot of food for thought on this website - it's a great resource.

I too am a product of the sixties and seventies. As a teen I loudly pronounced that I would never marry or have children. Of course I eventually did both. But along the way I was always one of the ones who protested too much.

I also repressed my submissive urges and fantasies, and chalked it up to some wierd kink in my psyche. I went into an historically "male" profession (engineering), and was sure to let my husband know that, although I enjoyed having him around, I was perfectly capable of taking care of the family on my own, if need be. Unable to be dominant, I settled for controlling (I am now ashamed to admit).

I finally came to the realization that I was tired of functioning as a man and tired of holding my husband at arm's length. It has really been exhausting all these years, and for him too, I am sure. We are going to be navigating our way in new waters, and it will be an adventure and a relief, but not easy.

But what I've learned from this website and a couple of others is that it is possible to get back to that natural male-female connection, and still be an intelligent and capable part of a team.

by Schmoodle on 2005 Sep 8 - 01:50 | reply to this comment

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