A lifetime of denial ends

I am 45 years old, happily married now for almost 23 years. When my husband and I first met in 1982, I was not a feminist but I was a very strong-willed woman. I had been raised by a father who was a very strong male role model, and I was a tomboy who liked playing with the boys. I had few girl friends, and was happier that way. Yet, I had these strange feelings: whenever I was with a boyfriend as a teenager, I wanted to be dominated by them, but only if I truly cared for them. I couldn't understand these feelings, especially since 1970s feminism back then told girls and women that if we had these feelings, we should “recognize” them as the products of an abusive childhood, or training from a patriarchal society, or stemming from low self esteem. I knew in my heart that none of those reasons were true, yet I stayed in the closet.

When I was older (late teens), I discovered BDSM. I think I found in the D/S part of BDSM the male dominance/female submission I was looking for, yet still in some ways even D/S left me unfulfilled. Perhaps because I was meeting more male subs than female ones, and most BDSMers seemed to me to be feminist in thinking, and saw D/S only as a “scene”, something to do temporarily in the bedroom, and put away when you go back into the real world. At that time I did not yet know of 24/7 D/S relationships, but now that I do (thanks to the internet), that also, to me, does not seem to be what I am looking for. I am not against spanking (I love it actually), but I want it to be done by a man who truly loves me, and is doing it only for my own good. I did not always get this feeling from D/S. I wanted, and want now, a kind, dominant male whom I love, to take me in hand, do what is good for me, discipline me when I require it, overpower me, ravish me, seduce me, “take” me!

My exposure to BDSM in the 1970s was brief, mostly closeted. BDSM was not yet out in the open then, as it is now. As the years went by, I slipped back into ordinary, non-BDSM experiences, never truly happy or content. My fantasies had to remain that: fantasies.

When I married, I was still closeted about my desires, and was still the strong-willed woman I'd always been, yet with these hidden, shameful (to me then) desires. It was not until 18 years after we'd been married that I got up the courage to come out to my husband about my desires (which back then I still labeled D/s), and it was due to a close male friend that I got up the courage to come out to my husband. I was so afraid – afraid he'd reject me, leave me, take the children for fear I was a freak. But he did none of those.

It took time, but he adjusted to my desires. Now that I have discovered Taken In Hand (which ironically I stumbled upon via a link from a D/S website I was browsing), I feel truly complete. I have now discovered that which I have searched for all my life. Ever since my teen years I have read The Taming of the Shrew over and over – that was my only “erotica”, if you will! I wanted so badly to be Kate, yet I felt no boy or man would be willing to be my Petruchio! Boys and men back then (and now) have been lied to, and told that women want a passive, feminist male. NO NO NO! As I like to say to people now, We want to work with an Alan Alda...but we want to sleep with a Yul Brynner!

We are still growing in our marriage, which is better now than it has ever been (and it was always good). Taken in Hand was exactly what I was looking for all these years. I was and am a normal woman after all! Feminism was wrong! I didn't need to go to BDSM to fulfill normal desires...all I had to do was be myself.

BlueRose

Taken In Hand Tour start | next


Have you seen the following articles?
The subjection of women
Taken In Hand by an ardent feminist
Wedding vows – I promised to “obey”
Power connectivity
Love and fear
Could you be a slave, owned, property?
My perfect guy, and the marriage he has given me
Ownership as bonding
An alpha female bares her throat only to her mate
The Total Woman, by Marabel Morgan: a book review

great article

great article, bluerose, great testimonial!

BlueRose,

BlueRose,

I too have always been strong-willed. I have a TYPE A personality. I'm extreamly loyal, I'll fight for what's mine and I'm stubborn (to a fault) I turned 41 and love the bumper sticker "Good Girls Don't Make History".

I found a small ray of hope in your post, showing that it is possible to find a DD/HOH/Taken In Hand relationship.
Thanks,
Stormy

Amazing

Blue Rose,

You don't happen to be adopted, because if you are...I have got to be your twin! 45...not a feminist...tomboy... more male friends than female...strong willed...(pre?)teen desires to be controlled (as "one of the guys" I often was "tackled/pinned"...Yul Brynner (my biggest "crush")...even down to your pseudonym...I have an eerily twin pseudonym that I use on other sites, which is why I chose a different one for this site! I'm married now for a little less than you've been and am contemplating introducing this site to my "thought he was take-charge, but he doesn't stand up to me" husband (I love him VERY much anyway!). Not sure if I can give up the mask I've worn for so long.

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