The missionary position

The missionary position appeals to many Taken In Hand women for the same reason some other women thoroughly dislike it: because the man-on-top is the male-superior position. That has been deemed by some women to be humiliating subjugation of a woman. Some women want to be on top because that is a less vulnerable position—one from which they can easily escape. In the female-superior position they can also (prima facie) call the shots, dominate, and, in some cases, sublimate their Basic Instinct fantasies in a bit of face-slapping, erotic or not so erotic asphyxiation and other such acts of revenge against masculine power.

The Taken In Hand women has no such inner conflict about the idea of masculine power. Indeed, she is as drawn to it as some women are repulsed by it. And instead of fighting it, she finds it erotic, fun, a source of deep joy and contentment. And yes, for many a Taken In Hand woman, lying on her back, exposed, vulnerable, receptive, trusting him, there for him, accepting him, accepting his authority, accepting his power as a man, accepting his dominance, being pinned under her man's imprisoning weight, unable to escape until he allows it, looking up at him with soft submissive eyes as he enters her in the male-superior position—the missionary position—feels physically and psychologically right. Soothing. Feminine. Woman qua woman, as Ayn Rand might say. It is no coincidence that Nancy Friday called the book in which she sought to prove that women's sexual fantasies are now dominant, Women on Top.

This is not to denigrate other positions or other preferences, merely to explain why some Taken In Hand folk might feel especially delighted by the much-maligned missionary position. (Taken In Hand folk might well love other positions too, but this is just about this particular position. And I certainly do not mean to imply that a Taken In Hand woman would only adopt her preferred positions. No doubt the right man could subject a Taken In Hand woman to any number of positions without any problem!) There may well be other reasons for the appeal of the missionary position, such as more mechanical/physical ones, and perhaps there might be a (biological?!) tendency to prefer it because it might increase the chance of impregnation, but here let's stick to discussion of the more obvious psychological reasons for its appeal.

When a Taken In Hand woman knows that her man is going to take her, she responds. Her body and soul are receptive, thrilled, wanting and welcoming her man. Ecstatic. In this one moment, she may go from feeling tired, stressed, distracted, or grumpy, to craving her man with an unparalleled intensity. No need for hours of the dreaded “foreplay” here! (Just the word “foreplay” is enough to give me a headache, and I'm a woman so goodness knows how tedious it must sound to a man!) When a man takes his woman, he takes possession of her. He acts, he dominates, he penetrates. And when he does, his Taken In Hand woman accepts, submits, receives.

The missionary position is, or can be, a natural, clear and easy expression of male dominance and female acceptance of that dominance. The woman is literally under him just as she is under his authority. It is not a position in which many Taken In Hand women would fear they were being put in the dominant position. It is not a position requiring a lot of elaborate effort for the couple to feel the masculine-feminine polarity, the man's power, and the willing surrender to that power by the woman. It is a position in which a woman can easily experience her man as being very manly, masterful, in control. And it is a position in which a man can experience his woman as being very feminine, vulnerable, soft and submissive.

How can so many couples manage to experience the missionary position as boring, unadventurous and anything but erotic? OK, don't answer that off-topic rhetorical question!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: My delicate sensibilities and prudish heart would very much appreciate responses phrased without getting explicit or graphic.]

the boss

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I've always liked the missionary position, I find it very sexy. I hate being on top, it makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable. I do like the feeling of him being in charge, and I just don't get that if I'm on top.

I also enjoy it when we do it 'doggy style', that feels very sexy too. Also in that position he has the habit of whacking me with a hairbrush while he does it, which is very stiumlating!

it's that submissiveness rearing its head, boss! ;)

I dislike woman on top, and always have....and having recently learned from someone who shall remain nameless that some feminists preferred that position, if any (to advance women's "superiority"), I REALLY hate it! Unfortunately my husband sometimes likes it (btw he is now reading this forum, so maybe he will see this, lol). I used to be very heavy (over 300 lbs)...I'm now well under 200 lbs...but one thing I secretly liked about being that large was that it gave me a great excuse to avoid woman on top (thank goodness my husband didn't have a crushing fetish, lol!)

I love missionary but also doggy style...I especially love it when he grabs my hair and uses it like the bridle of a horse....ooh la la! (sorry, you know how us Yanks are...very straightforward and direct!) ;)


Well, I've only ever felt comfortable with the missionary position and it's the only one I have ever adopted.

My husband seems ok with that too, although he is not sexually experimental or active, so wouldn't ask for anything else.

To me, it allows me to feel under his control (even though there is no control play going on). I think it's the ability to have eye to eye contact and feel vulnerable to him (this is what goes on in my head anyway).

As a strong woman, I have an even stronger desire to be under my husband's control, it is one way (when it eventualy happens) for me to relax into this submissive role. Think that's why I've always favoured it. playing "horsies" now? :-))

Grace :-)

Is it submissiveness?

BlueRose quipped that it is submissiveness rearing its head, and perhaps she is right. But given that many think that “submissive” means “service-orientated submissive” or “servile nothing woman” or “doormat” or “one whose identity depends so much on being thought submissive that she will do anything at all, irrespective of how wrong it feels to her, just to avoid having her submissiveness called into question”, perhaps not.

Pat Allen talks about feminine energy and masculine energy (see the following pages: 1, 2, 3, 4) and has apparently said that when a woman is sexually servicing a man, that is “yang” (masculine energy) so perhaps another way of looking at it is to say that the missionary position might well be loved by some Taken In Hand women because it feels so receptive and “yin” (feminine energy).

I don't know. Perhaps it is both. Or neither!

Works For Us

The Missionary Position works for me. When I tell my wife to prepare herself for me, she gives me this look like Im a god and when she she opens her legs ...... she gets it good. She likes me to lay my full 325 lbs of "solid muscle" on her. Yep—works for me.


Fantastic article. My hub and I have agreement. I get ready in the bathroom, he does the hard work in the bedroom. I get all dolled up in lingerie and smell nice. He gets up on his hands and knees over me, gets told how much of a well hung stud he is, and the I get a damn good seeing to.


Great article! I agree completely... there is something about having a man lying on top of you that is so fullfilling and natural.

I was reading an e-book yesterday called Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume III that really explains a lot of the things Taken in Hand readers describe.

Hot stuff!

Yes, I definitely agree with all of you! My husband loves to "mount" me, as he lovingly calls it, and it's very hot and sexy! He is much taller and bigger than me, and I love the feeling of his big body on top of mine as we make love.

I don't really enjoy being on top, and fortunately my husband isn't crazy about it, either. However, we really enjoy doggy style, and yes, I love it when he spanks me or holds onto my hair! I feel very sexual and submissive when we make love this way. We are both very happy!

Well Sorry, But...

Here comes the voice of dissent again!

Oh, not about the missionary position...I LOVE the missionary position cause it lets me lie there and be lazy and have the man sweat and grunt and slave away up there for me.

Missionary is a great position because it gives him the illusion of being dominant while really he is working his butt off for me. When I'm on top it's hard work. Who needs it? Plus, in the old days, once in a while he'd go in deep and hit an ovary and that would HURT.

I just have to laugh about all this symbolic nonsense that gets loaded onto sexual positions. Really, what people should do is what feels good. Missionary is the most work for the man and the least for the woman. Sounds cool to me.

"Pat", reaching for the next bon bon in front of her nonexistent supersize TV

A rationalisation?

Pat wrote:

I LOVE the missionary position ... When I'm on top it's hard work. Who needs it? Plus, in the old days, once in a while he'd go in deep and hit an ovary and that would HURT.
I just have to laugh about all this symbolic nonsense that gets loaded onto sexual positions. Really, what people should do is what feels good. Missionary is the most work for the man and the least for the woman. Sounds cool to me.

You may well be right. Perhaps it is a rationalisation for preferring a more comfortable, easier position less likely to be unpleasantly painful. And yet... I'm not sure. Pain and feeling in a dominant position are two separate things. Not sure. What do others think?

Less work?

Oh yes, that's definitely part of it for me. I'm bone idle, and the missionary position does mean he's doing all the work, which suits me fine. But I do definitely find it sexy having him on top and feeling him thrusting into me. And I don't dislike being on top simply because it's more work, I do feel uncomfortable with it as well. Fortunately, my husband doesn't usually want to do it like that very often, or for very long, after I've been on top for a bit he usually rolls me over and gets back on top himself.

missionary is less work for the woman?

It depends on how you do it. I use my legs to wrap around him, and use them to pull him inward repeatedly. If I'd tried that before I got into cycling/working out, I would have been exhausted. But now, because my legs are so much more muscular, it's great!

Missionary style ("doing the work" vs "being in control")

We both love the missionary and doggy style positions, they both feel male dominant to us. Of course it's work on the male side, but high levels of activity have elements of strength and control. It certainly makes ME feel strong! Oh, and then that submissive look in her eyes telling me how much she ever wants me!

The intensity of my feelings of strength come from my own movements, my control, but at least half of it is the feeling of being received, of being absorbed by my wife, she giving herself all the way open to me.

As a male I can relate to the woman being on top, "doing all the work" as being the one servicing me, giving me pleasure. But that certainly doesn't make me very dominant, there is too much of a passive element in it, one of being sort of a "pasha", receiving gifts of pleasure. But getting pleased does not give me the same sense of male power as "taking".

It's the same orally. It can be an act of service, and this feels great and can be a quite male dominant scenario, especially if I stand and my love is kneeling in front of me, maybe even tied up etc. However I am still in a receiving, passive situation. A huge change happens in my mind when I start to actively penetrate her mouth. She feels it the same way, feels much more of my power and loves it.

So even if I end up "doing the work" in missionary style, I still feel like I am taking possession much more. Getting spoiled and served is lovely and fine, but it doesn't have that raw power of "taking" in it.


Passive = female, active = male

I agree with the OP (the boss) and I agree with William (Nils) and Jeff. When I am dominating my woman, that has got to be an ACTIVE process. Being passive would make me feel like a woman and that's not my bag. I TAKE my woman, I take control, I penetrate, she receives me. Women are designed to be more passively receptive. Unlike Douglas (Interesdom) I wouldn't want to put myself in the female position of passively receiving. I prefer more intensity than I'd get in being served. I like to wrestle her down and take her and conquer her, and telling her to get on top and pleasure me lacks that raw power William wrote about.


So I am curious...

When you say:

I agree with the OP (the boss) and I agree with William (Nils) and Jeff. When I am dominating my woman, that has got to be an ACTIVE process.

Does that mean that you (any of you guys who say that this is true for you or even any of the woman who responded that they don't like to be on top) always are in some sort of male dominant position (i.e. missionary, doggie style, etc.) when you and your partner make love?

I am just curious because, for us, *especially* my husband, that would get really boring. We have to mix it up. Sometimes he is wrestling me down with me demonstrating various levels of resistance, sometimes we go full rape scene, sometimes he lies there and tells me what to do (woe to me if I get something wrong and at least one of us tries to make sure that I do, LOL) and sometimes we just go at it like a couple of minks, though even then he is still very much controlling the action. There are a million different variations that we have to exercise because my husband's second biggest sexual need, besides demonstrating his own dominance, is variety.


"The moment that I looked into your eyes, you owned me."
-Kenny Chesney

missionary position

Dear Otter, (now, is it mink or otter? :-)),

We have it very much the way you describe your love life. Wrestling for power (getting close to rape at times) is a lovely game for us, too. Yes, variation is very very important for us, we are both very active and dynamic people and we like to apply our powers in job, community and partnership. We like change, experiment a lot. Laugh about funny stuff happening, are sometimes amazed at new feelings and experiences coming up. Resistance certainly is a great booster for our energies, but also allowing ourselves to be very quiet and slow, almost spiritual feels great.

But my wife will always eventually end up enjoying being taken, seeking the joy of letting go, being under my power. But definitely not only in those positions discussed. Anything is game. But I agree with the boss that those positions are especially intense as far as setting up a difference in power status.


Missionary position

I think there is nothing nicer. However, we do like to try other positions from time to time, though never 69.

Where Do You Get This?

Boss, where do you get this stuff? You said:

In the female-superior position they can also (prima facie) call the shots, dominate, and, in some cases, sublimate their Basic Instinct fantasies in a bit of face-slapping, erotic or not so erotic asphyxiation and other such acts of revenge against masculine power.

Uh, hello, women who are up there during sex and are slapping his face, pulling his hair, or (God forbid) asphyxiating him, are doing it because they are SERVING the male's fantasy. I can't even imagine a woman who is willingly having sex with a man at the same time wanting to get "revenge against masculine power" this way.

The simple and obvious truth is that when women want to put the screws to a man, they don't get on top and work hard, they cross their legs and say no!

Women indulge submissive men's fantasies either because they are paid to do so or because they love the man.

The female on top position is just a matter of what feels good to the people involved. Why don't you all stop with the armchair psychology and actually go have some sex (in whatever darn position you want)!


On Top Of A Submissive Man

"Women indulge submissive men's fantasies [ie "women who are up there during sex and are slapping his face, pulling his hair, or (God forbid) asphyxiating him"] either because they are paid to do so or because they love the man."

A woman that's not comfortable in the Dominant role will _not_ enjoy this.

I don't enjoy being on top, b

I don't enjoy being on top, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I see myself as submissive. It has to do more with my balance. As far as submission goes, being sexually submissive is difficult for me because to be honest, other than my little Taken In Hand thing, I'm a bit of a prude. When we have sex, regardless of the position, I am submitting sexually to him because it is something I would certainly rather not be doing. That being said I can't help but be flattered by the fact that he wants to be intimate with me in that way.

True, But...

My point is, being on top during sex is just that..being on top. It may feel better to the couple. They may also very much enjoy the missionary position. The person on top has to work harder. You can imbue either one with the feeling of male versus female dominance (for example while in the missionary position he could pin her wrists down). But of itself these are nothing more than varying sexual positions that please some people and don't please others.

Taking the top position during sex isn't any kind of open invitation to take the dominant role nor is it an invitation to slap him, pull his hair or asphyxiate him. Those are things a submissive man may want and a woman who is interested in dominating him may or may not go along with. I can tell you for sure there is no way I will ever play the asphyxiation game. Russian roulette has never appealed to me.


Body Language

Like many (or most) sexually submissive women, I absolutely hate being on top during sex. That is the very opposite of male dominnce from my view. If a man cannot dominate me in bed, then he sure as heck is not going to be able to dominate me anywhere else.

There is an intimate and undeniable connection between the body and the emotions. This is why our emotions get expressed in physical gestures; but conversely, it also means that certain physical postures will bring up certain correlated emotions. There are inevitable dominance/submission aspects associated with one person's body being on top of another person's body, and with the person on top effectively pinning the bottom person down with their weight, and also being in a position to exert more control. It is obvious in any wrestling match that the guy on top is the dominant one, the one who's winning; and it should be just as obvious with regard to sex.

It's certainly obvious to animals of other species, because it's a common biological gesture of dominance (between two competing males, for instance) for the dominant alpha male to mount the subordinate male and reinforce the hierarchy by showing who's on top and who's on bottom. The dominance of the top position is also obvious to guys in prison, who are lacking for female companionship. And it's certainly obvious to various indignant feminist authors, who have turned the mythical figure of Lilith (Adam's first wife, before Eve) into a feminist heroine, because she refused to take the bottom position during sex. The innate psychological correlation between top/dominant and bottom/submissive is just one aspect of body language, but it's a very basic and powerful one, even an instinctual one.

To claim that it's not obvious, or that it's all in our imaginations, is to engage in a denial of our basic instinctive makeup. There have been a number of studies done on much subtler forms of posture, physical positions and body language, that have confirmed just how influential such things are in determining our emotional responses. For just one example, I believe there have been a number of studies confirming that people are naturally wired to regard someone who is taller as being more dominant. That's not because we perform some conscious analysis of the potential implications of their greater size; it's just a purely instinctive emotional response to having someone looming over you.

If that's the case for even such a relatively minor matter of physical positioning (someone being half a head taller or so), then it's easy to understand how the act of someone being physically on top of you and pinning you down with their weight is intuitively and emotionally understood in terms of dominance and submission.

As for it being "less work" to be on the bottom: No, I really don't think so. I like to struggle and wrestle and resist during sex, and there is plenty of "work" involved in that. Much more than would be involved in being on top. (And of course, if I were the one on top then I would not be able to struggle and resist, most likely. I suppose a strong man might be able to pin me down to him with a bear hug and not let me go. But more likely if I "struggled" or "resisted" while on top, that would just mean the end of the sex.)

Enjoy the wealth of possibilities

While I can see that man-on-top positions are to some extent a physical representation of my dominance, if it is required just so the woman can feel herself generally subjugated then I would clearly not be in her head properly. For me, being her man is about the emotional and psychological aspects of the relationship, aided by but not controlling the physical aspects. However, I can see that if a man is only taking a woman in hand physically, without taking her in hand mentally and emotionally, that the constant ritual representation of physical dominance may be necessary.

I don't see sex in a polarised manner. It's not just about one thing, any more than it's about the same thing all the time. Sure, physical dominance and control is there and much more so at some times than at others. Also there in different measures at different times are expressions of love, joy, sharing, mild sadism (spanking/tickling etc), physiological relief and simple physical pleasure.

All positions are good and the missionary position is certainly one of them and the 'natural' one to take. Although the woman has less work to do, any woman who thinks it's a time to be lazy needs some lessons in the art of lovemaking as there is a lot that can be done to enhance your man's pleasure. The last thing I want to do is have some submissive rag doll doormat always just lie back and just let it happen—a woman can give a man much more pleasure than that.


Yes, Control Should be Psychological

And not based on the position. It's the psychological factor that counts. A person could be doing the same thing, in the same position, and it could mean 3 different things: male dominance, female dominance, or an equal situation. It's not the act: it is how it is viewed by the parties involved.

Being on top would only give a woman the idea to do things like slap his face, pull his hair or asphyxiate him if those were things she knew he enjoyed.


The Exchange of Sexual Energy...

I would describe myself as a sexual being. I love looking, smelling, touching and tasting. And it all seems to work for me. I don't think I've ever thought as positions as role oriented as opposed to just sexy! I have spent many a time 'on top', mind you...that was in my most fit days when I could control most of my body with my abdominal muscles. I didn't think it was more or less work to be in any position. I participated in them all equally and sweat through them all. For me it was about the levels of sexual energies it brought.

It is now a different chapter in my life but the sexual energy is the same. I am now disabled with poor legs and can no longer be 'on top', although I do roll over for stolen moments and 'torture' him with swinging my breasts, or nipping his neck or kissing him all over. He gets so very excited when I am on top. It never diminishes his dominance. He is still highly in control.

One of the most cherished sexual positions we have is when I am face down. Gary feels that I am at my most submissive when there is little stimulation to distract me. And his voice is what guides my mind. Often we stack pillows and have me go over, face down. He will enter me and more than that, he will ask me to surrender my hands behind my back and he holds me hands so that I use his strength as leverage as we engage in thrusting. The dynamics are so very white hot. Of course he can smack my bottom if he chooses, or reach forward and own my breast. It's all his and that is the energy we both understand and feed off of. I take pride in exciting him. It does not make me more dominant if I am the one leading a sexual moment. It is just me stoking the fires. And his excitement is equally mine. And mine his. It's not about positions. It's about the exchange.


Wow, thanks

Your husband is a lucky man. My wife sometimes does the ragdoll thing, which lets me feel very dominant but isn't as hot as what you describe. I need to talk to her about it.

Physical dominance vs. psychological dominance

Nihil est in intellectu, quod prius non fuerit in sensu,” i.e.there is nothing in intellect that was not first in the senses,” is an mediæval philosophy maxim. It is an false dichotomy to believe that either domination is mental/psychologic or it is physical, for when a man dominates his woman physically, he is not usually willing it per se, but for the psychological effects it will have on her — as a matter of fact, there can be no psychological dominance where there is no physical dominance, or at least a threat thereof.

Good maxim

My husband and I like missionary best (though we like other positions), and I get ragdoll spacy from orgasming most easily missionary. When I'm like that, I want to suck absolutely urgently, so my husband puts me to my knees, and I climb out of ragdoll sucking. If my husband wanted to keep me from getting ragdoll, he would have to keep me from orgasming. He is not that mean.


I Agree!

I kind of agree with this. While it is fun to dissect our behaviours and talk about them, and such discussions to help in self-discovery in some way, I wonder what does it matter? I like being on top because I have a different control of angle and depth, and when I (or he) manipulate my breasts it feels quite different from when I am lying on my back (as does 'doggy' style feel different). Sex discussed on this level is just discussing simple animal behaviours and how to increase the pleasure response. To add the psychology element hints at a desire to transcend the animal urges. So why not take up yoga and meditation, learn about using tantra to release the kundilini energies and learn through experience what a real!!!! orgasm is like. (a bagillion times more intense than any g-spot experience I ever had!) Peace. Joni

Missionary Position/ Woman on top

I enjoy *greatly* having my soon to be husband on top. There is something to be said about the man that is strong enough to bed a woman like me (*shrew*)... HOWEVER, there is something to be said about being the "woman on top". He has a facinating anatomy,(a bit of a belly) and it seems that when I am on top, I get the pleasure of having his belly rub on my "naughty bits".
As my Granna used to say, (when I was old enough to hear it) "if it feels good do it.

Good, sexy defence of the missionary position

Yours is a good, sexy defence of the missionary position. I agree with you that positions in love-making are a matter of individual preferences. Some individuals may prefer other positions, like for example the helicopter position—doing it while suspended upside down from a helicopter. But I personnally believe that the missionary position is the sexiest one, that is, the one in which the submissive woman and the dominant man best express their nature. In the missionary position, the dominant man and the submissive woman can most easily talk to each other and verbally share fantasies—including rape-taking fantasies. I would add that it is also a genetically evolved position, which explains why most men and women prefer it, at least if they are not going against their genes.

Her laying on her stomach

Her laying on her stomach with one leg extended forward with the knee bent, allowing the man to enter her from behind basically, like an open scissor. She feels overwhelmed pushed down onto the bed by me towering above her. This is written specifically for my butterfly, Caleigh, who loves to be taken in hand. Peter

Post scriptums to my previous comment

As a man, I don't consider being on top as more work than being under. In fact, when a man is on top of his woman, he only has to penetrate, kiss and talk, grab and bite—all natural and simple things to do.

Anonymous Man...

Hope you don't mind me asking but, do you kiss, talk, grab and bite while making love? Does your woman like this?

Not that there is anything wrong with that, you say it's all natural and simple and I fully agree with you, hey I'm all for it.

But not all men are like that or are sexually "aggressive" and don't talk, bite or grab and rarely kiss during sex.

I'm a missionary girl myself, because that is my preferance, my husband isn't adventurous so that is the only position we use.

It sure is interesting reading about other people's viewpoints and "playful" habits.

Grace :-)

Reply to Grace and others

Yes, I do kiss, talk, grab and bite while making love—at least when I have the chance of taking a real Taken In Hand woman. And yes, I think that a Taken In Hand woman would normally love this.

But again, I have nothing against people who have other preferences.

Dee Marie....

Dee Marie, your post was truly excellent, and I learned a lot from it, thank you!

In defense of woman on top

Okay, for a long time, woman on top was my position of choice for a number of reasons. The main one being that that was the only way I could orgasm.

My husband liked it for two main reasons. The first because he is a caring man and likes me to have an orgasm when we make love. Secondly, it leaves his hands free to do whatever he chooses to my completely exposed upper body.

It did not and does not detract from his dominance at all. On the contrary, his hands are free to do any number of dominating things to me: slap my face, pull my hair, reach around and slap my butt or any number of other physical chastisements if I do something that he doesn't want me to. He is strong enough to control my movements just by grabbing my hips and moving me any way he chooses, which makes me feel very dominated. He is also free to do any number of loving things to me with his very talented hands.

I, on the other hand, am practically bound as, for most of the time, I have to keep my hands on the surface below to hold my self up. If I were to try to pull his hair, slap his face, or try to asphyxiate him I would not only probably topple over in the process (I am, unfortunately, fairly clumsy) but I would probably end up being the one asphyxiated (don't worry, I actually enjoy that so it's okay) or slapped, no orgasm as that would end my stint on top and later with a very sore backside.

In recent years, I have injured my hip and found other ways to reach orgasm so we save woman on top for when I am feeling fit and in the mood for it. I just wanted to point out that it is not just the fantasy of a submissive man to have a woman on top. It is a position that can also be enjoyed by a very dominant, authoritative man.

That isn't my husband's favorite position though. I believe he really likes rear entry while laying flush on top of me, not doggie style. It means I have to work to "present" myself to him and it also means he is covering me very completely while we are doing it as he is holding my arms in and he has me cross my ankles.

Just wanted to present another view on this.


PS I am sorry if this was too graphic. I tried to keep it "tasteful" but I don't have a very good filter for that (or anything else, really, when it comes to my big mouth, LOL) so, sorry if I have offended.

I semi-agree

I find the missionary position romantic and delightful as long as it doesn’t come to face the reality:-(
My partner is 2x heavier than me and that makes me feel outright scared. I worry about our sex...
He is inexperienced and he would like to do it from behind or me at the top which makes me uncomfortable. (I also have a suspicion that he took most of his ideas from porn.)
Any advice, folks?

Go With It!

If your partner really is that much bigger than you, Anna Maria, you're probably safer with him behind you—or you on top—than you are bearing the brunt of his mass. So that should not be a concern.

And I don't feel the need to question where my husband gets his ideas. He's the boss: he gets to do what he likes. A little porn now and then only fires his imagination—and I get the benefit of it. Particularly since your husband is inexperienced, you should welcome any source of instruction he sees fit to avail himself of.

As for the advantages of one position over another: I like missionary just fine (which is a good thing, because ever since he took me in hand, I've spent about an hour a day in it). But the real thrill isn't about positions: it's about being available to him whenever he wants me, however he wants me, wherever he wants me. Which sometimes means I get taken on the edge of the kitchen counter, or while bending over the sink brushing my teeth.

Whether or not to indulge him in these desires, or second-guessing their is SO not my place to concern myself with such things. My only task is to recognize that the desire is there; and that I am bound—for the good of us both—to fulfill it without hesitation, discussion, or delay.

And I can't begin to describe the joy it gives me to do it. For me, being Taken In Hand was ultimate permission to fully express my sexuality. I will never worry again about being a "good girl," or feel like I have to stay within somebody else's boundaries to keep his "respect." The only boundaries that exist are the ones he sets for me. The only one who gets to make the call about whether or not I'm a "good girl" is him. That knowledge has led me to peace, safety, sanity, and total trust.

You asked for advice. Here's mine. Don't second-guess your husband. Accept what he wants to give you, in the way he chooses to give it to you. That way lies peace, safety, sanity, total trust...and endlessly-expanding sexual pleasure.

BTW, this is my first post here. My husband and I are in our late 40s, happier and having hotter sex than we've ever had in our lives.

So it's not just me...

Aurora wrote:

Which sometimes means I get taken on the edge of the kitchen counter, or while bending over the sink brushing my teeth.

So my husband isn't the only one then. If I start doing the dishes or clearing the table before he leaves for work, he can't get out the door without bending me over the table or the edge of the sink. I think it is the idea that he just stops me right in the middle of what I am doing and has his way with me that turns him on.

And I can't begin to describe the joy it gives me to do it. For me, being Taken In Hand was ultimate permission to fully express my sexuality. I will never worry again about being a "good girl," or feel like I have to stay within somebody else's boundaries to keep his "respect." The only boundaries that exist are the ones he sets for me. The only one who gets to make the call about whether or not I'm a "good girl" is him. That knowledge has led me to peace, safety, sanity, and total trust.

This is so true for me too. I was so ate up before with "oh, good girls don't do that" or "mommies don't like to do this". Well, none of that matters anymore to me. The only thing that matters is making my husband happy and when he calls me a "slut" I smile, because I know that is exactly what he wants me to be. Btw, his definition of a slut: a woman who enjoys sex and loves to have it at every opportunity, in any way and every position possible, LOL.


The conquered position

Psychologically the missionary position is not that far from the conquered position of childhood. A wrestling contest always ended with the vanquished on their back, arms pinned with the other astride them forcing them to say "mercy".

Older now, he is on top of her, "stealing kisses." Instead of astride her, he stretches his legs out on top of hers. She eventually parts her legs. He slips between them, their fingers intertwined in mock combat for control. They rub against each other as they make out.

Naked now, he has only to lift his hips, she only to draw up her knees, to cross the last barrier to conquest.

Psychologically, that is how I see the missionary position. It can be used to create a mindset, drawing upon childhood and teenage experiences. A Taken In Hand woman might revel in the force of his will, but in this position she is subject to the force of his presence. Set the stage properly and it is easy for her to suspend her disbelief. She is conquered. She must endure his kisses to her mouth, neck and body. She is at his mercy. She has no defense left against the onslaught of his desire.

Is there another position that can leave her feeling so completely overwhelmed?


I agree that the missionary position is a dominating one and that it emphasises the submission of the woman. For these reasons it is our favourite position although we do enjoy a number of other positions. I love to turn Megan over onto her back pull down her pyjamas or pull up her nighty and penetrate her without foreplay. She knows that it is her role to allow this and she willingly submits. Sometimes we make love like this for hours sometimes it is brief and i achieve my satisfaction quickly. She often does not orgasm and indeed i often deliberatley deprive her of this for ages. She loves the feeling of being used (although it is consenual) and I enjoy using her in this way.

The Missionary Position

While I agree with much that you say when you say a Taken In Hand woman has no inner conflict regarding masculine power, I really must say that having sex in any position has little to do with dominance and submission in my mind at all. It is about having sex in a way that is most pleasurable to both of us, fun and enjoyable. It is about intimacy between the two of us. I really give little thought to his dominance when he is on top, I do love his power and strength and the idea and feel of penetration.........but I think most women would, we are built that way. I just do not think of it in terms of dominance........I mostly think of it in terms of sharing of ourselves in the most intimate way humanly possible in a physical sense. What I truly cherish is that he only does this with me and only will. We have so much fun and delight in each other little thought is given to much else. So the whole focus on which position is more dominant or even if I want him in a dominant position and me in a submissive one is really irrelavant to me. I just want to enjoy the time we do it together totally.

I think Friday and other women who tried to analyze it all to such a degree were simply not happy with men or relationships with them, therefore they needed to see it in a different way.........I understand that.......but women who are happy with men and do not feel subjugated to them have little need to do this. The position you take during sex is for pleasure, for the both of you, and you can change it if another one feels better. It is really as simple as that. Caring for and being willing to please your partner is not a one way street and both need to respond to the requests of the other, and listen and give things a go, or try to see if it will work for the two of you........if not you can change it. Whereas I do understand the fantasy of being taken,and it can happen at times, sex is generally a mutual activity at our house.



I could not have written this article more eloquently myself. It's as if this person got inside my head and wrote down my deepest darkest desires ..... thank goodness there are others that feel this way and yet others who know how much we crave it. Now if someone could just tell my husband before it's too late!

Opening Pandora's Box

What a wonderful discussion, I agree with the boss’s (OP) as well as Steve’s (ACTIVE) insight.

Forget the position...who's in control?

While we normally use "male dominant" positions also, I can tell you that regardless of what is going on at any given moment, HE is in charge. Our lovemaking is a complex dance in which he leads, and I (very) enthusiastically follow.

I have to comment on this statement from the original article:

"Some women want to be on top because that is a less vulnerable position—one from which they can easily escape. In the female-superior position they can also (prima facie) call the shots, dominate..."

I am sure there is truth in that to some, but I can tell you in our case...If I am on top it is because he PUT me there, I am submitting to his desire, and I won't escape...if I even tried that he's perfectly capable of grabbing me and throwing my butt back into bed. Oh, and he would. (Not that I'd try...I like it there!)

Like most of the women here, I love the fact that he dominates me in bed, that he's totally in charge, and that he delivers the message loud and clear that I am "his woman". Yes, he is sensitive to my needs, but that is because he is very loving and because he chooses to meet them...I never have to make demands.

Any position is great when you have a good man in control.


While I prefer the missionary position, I also like being on top occasionally. For some reason, my husband likes to be on top everytime. I guess I feel I should take the top position because it seems only fair for me to make it easier on him every now and then or that's the way I seem to view it. If on those rare occasions I get on top, he always has to end it with me winding up on the bottom before it's over. I guess that's fine by me though ;)

A woman on top position CAN m

A woman on top position CAN mean female-dominance, but quite frankly, it's just as easy to see it as MALE dominance.

A woman can submit to her husband, to please him, while he rests and receives her labor of love.

Man on top makes the man work, the woman (sometimes) passive. Woman on top makes the woman ACTIVE, either in submission or in dominence. It's up to her and her husband to choose which.

I would prefer a submissive woman on top, quite frankly, than a passive woman who in passivity isn't really submissive at all.

Passive men attractive?

The poster above says that he wants a submissive woman on top, as opposed to a passive woman underneath.

If a passive woman is unattractive, how more more unattractive is a passive man?!

I don't know about other Taken In Hand women, but the idea of a passive man who wants to lie around being served by a woman is decidedly repulsive to me. Perhaps this highlights the difference between Taken In Hand and (some individuals' conceptions of) D/s? Perhaps D/s men are more passive, narcissistic and self-serving and want submissive women who will serve them endlessly, whereas Taken In Hand men are more active and don't want a servile doormat.

To me, if the serving is all one way, and especially if the dominant partner has narcissistic, self-serving tendencies, there is something wrong.


Frankly. I love being in the missionary position! I feel like that is one of the only times I can be truly submissive to my man. If he wants to tell me what he likes, I can adjust my body to be exactly how he wants if. If he wants to hold me down for rape he can. I love missionary!

I also enjoy being bent over & woman on top. When I'm bent over, I have no control. He can hold my hips right where he needs them and thrust as hard as he wants.This is also similar to woman on top for us. He has the opportunity to hold. me down onto him & also to do anything he wants to my chest because he has fall access.