On being the servant-leader in my relationship

Some couples new to Taken In Hand assume that Taken In Hand is just another kind of D/s relationship, but there are some differences. One of those is that in a Taken In Hand relationship it is the husband's responsibility to lead and more specifically to be a servant-leader.

Unless the couple are enamored by a master-slave relationship, the husband should be taking the lead by demonstrating his concern for his wife's well being. There are any number of ways this concern can be expressed, including by a disciplinary spanking.

However, the husband should not be sitting back and doing nothing while the wife does all the work. It is perfectly fine for the husband to have reasonable expectations about how he would prefer some things in the house to be, and his wife should be willing to make those changes, but he should not be sitting around expecting her to do all the work while he watches TV or reads the newspaper.

My wife and I have a fairly traditional marriage with traditional roles. She has responsibility for taking care of the home which means she does most of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. I take care of the yard, the home maintenance, the automobile upkeep, the finances etc. However, I am not above pitching in and helping her when she needs help with a particular chore. I sometimes cook, help her clean up the kitchen after dinner, do laundry, clean the bathrooms etc.

I do not give my wife lists of chores to do: she is perfectly capable of managing our home. In fact, if I were to begin to meddle in this, I would only gum up the works lol ! She does a lot for me that I never asked her to do. She takes notice of the things I like and makes sure she provides those things for me. She spoils me. : )

Although I am the head of our home and have final say authority, in many ways I see our relationship as a partnership. A committed relationship depends on both having equal responsibility toward the health of the relationship. Being the head of the home does not mean being a dictator. The more that both share the responsibilities of living together, the more likely the relationship will provide for the individual needs of both members.

Neither of us are perfect in our commitment, but just the simple recognition that it takes the effort of two to make the relationship work goes a long way in fulfilling the relationships promise.

Stephen

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The Taming of the Shrew
Do you need more attention in your relationship?
Could you be a slave, owned, property?
The dual failures of men
When is implicit consent enough?
An alpha female bares her throat only to her mate
Different strokes for different folks
The difference between dominant and domineering
Give the right impression?
Is Taken In Hand about discipline?

2005 Jun 29 - 14:15 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Wow!! How did this not get any replies??

I am shocked that this received no replies for more than a year! Stephen, I thought this was beautifully expressed.

What you described is very close to what I want in a husband. I have long wanted to be submissive to a man, but not just because he's a man. No, it had to be because it was clear that I could trust him to have my well-being in mind.

I think it's always important for men to remember that a woman may want to submit and learn respect. But if she is taken advantage of or shown reason that she cannot trust the man in question; then one shouldn't be surprised if she takes back the proverbial "reigns."

Of course the woman must also give her man a chance to be trusted. Ideas and decisions should not be shot down before they're tried. But over a period of time, it should be clear what is more important to that man: the care of his woman, or more selfish puruits.

The man who shows great love receives great reward; likewise for the woman. It's only that we have different strengths and weaknesses, and therefore different ways of expressing that love. I hope this all made sense and doesn't come across as drivel. I'm writing it at 1:30AM, so do be kind.

~HollyCakes

by HollyCakes on 2006 Aug 27 - 07:31 | login or register to post comments

On Being the Servant Leader

My wife and I have recently made the conscious decision to craft our relationship after the Taken in Hand model. We have been married for thirteen years and have experienced some fairly stormy times largely as the result of my not standing up to her sometimes irrational outbursts to defend her sometimes kneejerk positions.

The decision to overhaul our relationship was a mutual decision and so far it has proven to be the right one. Prior to deciding how we were going to do this I researched a lot of blog sites and none of them truly fit what we wanted. The one thing that was missing from the variety of blog sites regarding HOH or DD (or the miriad of their variants) was the concept of the leader as the chief servant of the relationship. To lead is to serve. It is the service of those being led, in this sense both my wife and our marriage. This seemed essential to me in order to have a marriage that would be mutually fulfilling. It also places the bulk of the responsibility for its success or failure on the leader where I believe that it should be.

Your very central point that it is ok to help or participate in 'her' reponsibilities is right on point. She is my wife, my partner, and whereas the buck stops with me it by no means starts with just me. I believe the danger of not allowing yourself to do so is to hold your position above hers. This can create parallel universes where you are doing your thing and she hers. The situation may have the trappings of a relationship but may lack in substance and fullfilment because you are not really together.

Thank you for making a very salient point. gijoe

by GIJoe on 2006 Oct 1 - 10:13 | login or register to post comments

Just right...

This entry really puts a lot of my feelings about Taken In Hand into a more cohesive way that I would have ever been able to put them myself. My husband and I have been in this relationship for a while now and have found the peace and security I've been seeking.

I was a wreck when he found me. I'd been in several poor relationships where all I wanted was to be loved and secure, and not knowing how to get it. He showed me the way.

Thank you, Stephen for posting this.

Kristen

by Chezs_kristen on 2007 Apr 28 - 16:53 | login or register to post comments

Thank you for putting this in

Thank you for putting this into words. For my husband and me, it is very much like you are describing. It must be so that we share the work that needs to be done in the home, so we can have time with the children and each other.

by youngo on 2007 May 1 - 17:21 | login or register to post comments

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