Not all men will get it unless you explain

Rewind to 1967. You may have been just a child or not born then, but please humor me. I am a freshman at a small liberal arts college in a major metropolitan area. There is a “mixer” in my dorm and the boys are standing on one side of the room while the girls stand on the other.

One of the girls is tall, lean, and good looking. Like an eager border collie, I cut her out of the herd. We hang out together quite a lot.

But the relationship does not quite click, she gets back together with her high school boyfriend, and they get married. End of story.

Well.............. not exactly.

Fast-forward 2 years. I am now a student at a large public university in the same metropolitan area. One weekend day the phone rang and one of my roommates says it is for me. It is her. She is also a student at the university and has seen my name in the student directory.

I said, “You must not be married any more.” She said that was true. We hung our together again, mostly at her place since I had roommates and she didn't. But again the relationship was not quite right.

The signs were obvious really, but I didn't get it. I was just dumb with a capital “duh.” She could have picked up a book, smacked me in the head, and said, “Listen bozo, if you want a real relationship then act like a man.” But it is just as well she didn't because I would have said “ouch” followed by “huh?” and walked away, shaking my head. I was not ready to be a leader then; I may not be now.

That was not fascinating, so what is the point? Here is the point.

When you meet one that could be right, you may need to smack him in the head and explain the situation. If he says “ouch” followed by “huh?” then you probably have not missed anything.

Eventually one will say “ouch” followed by “bend over now young lady.”

That might sound silly, but it could work.

RichM

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The Taming of the Shrew
Don't wait too long to tell her
Being Taken In Hand doesn't mean being silent
Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close
The worm turns (a little late, but better late than never!)
What is a Taken In Hand relationship?
Can you be Taken In Hand if you're not submissive?
An alpha female bares her throat only to her mate
He's in charge. . . but I do it my way
Liberated through submission

2005 Jun 26 - 07:53 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

What signs?

What did she do that in retrospect indicates to you that she was looking for a 'leader'? Are you sure that's why you didn't 'click', and if so why?

by Louise C on 2005 Jun 26 - 14:30 | login or register to post comments

Yeah, I agree

I'm with Louise here, Rich; I'd like to know what signs, if any, led you to reach your conclusions.

And (sigh) I have a tough enough time with explaining what I want in a relationship to grown men, let alone countenancing explaining it to a college aged child, while I was a college aged child.

(I am so frequently misunderestimatedstood. I may do it on purpose, be misunderstoodstood, that is. Perhaps I engage in deliberate misunderestimatingstoodhood, but that's one for the shrinks. Perhaps I should get one? Nawwww...)

Anyhoo, heck, I can't even play doubles tennis, much to the ire of my poor tennis coach. I spend a disproportionate amount of time saying to my poor partners, "What the **** is the matter with you?" and, "You know the object of this thing is to get the ball back over the net, right? Preferably in an area where one of our opponents is *not* standing?" All too often I end up suggesting he or she go sit down, and let me finish the fricken match in peace.

Hey! I never said I was a *nice* person; I just claim to be interesting.

But, Rich, what signs or signals did you perceive from the tall, lean girl from your shadowy past?

Kim

by Justis on 2005 Jun 26 - 15:49 | login or register to post comments

foggy memory

Louise,

Good questions.

Remember that I was in my late teens and early twenties back then. It was a very long time ago.

Also realize that men don't always "read the signs", something about emotional IQ or lack of same.

As best I remember it was little things like making me dinner, listening politely when I babbled my youthful opinions about everthing, etc.

It was also other things that I just can't explain and/or don't remember. Most of my writing is technical and my style has all the emotional content of a recipe for oatmeal.

I was trying to make 3 essential points: men don't always get it, a woman may need to be overt about her intentions very early in a relationship, and "you probably have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince".

croak,
RichM

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 26 - 16:13 | login or register to post comments

Signs

Well, I don't know that making you dinner or listening while you babbled on are necessarily signs that a woman is submissive, these things are just indicate normal civility to me, I mean listening while men babble on is something most women do, for a lot of the time. I listened to men babbling on a good deal when I was young, but I think it was just politeness more than submissiveness. I still listen to my husband babbling on quite a lot, mostly about his latest engineering project. I mean, your girlfriend may have been submissive, or she may just have been civil.

I personally found that indicating to men that I wanted to be spanked came quite easily, they usually gave me an opening of some kind. My second long-term boyfriend was the first person I ever raised this matter with, and I forget now how it came to pass, but I think we had one of those "If you don't behave yourself I'll spank you" "Well, why don't you?" sort of exchanges, which I had on subsequent occasions with other men, including my present husband. At any rate, he caught on pretty quickly. We had quite a fulfilling sexual relationship, though he wasn't particularly dominant otherwise, but then at that time in my life I wasn't aware that I wanted it to extend beyond sexual dominance. I think that would be a much more difficult thing to indicate if you didn't know the man extremely well already, it took me 22 years to get around to mentioning it to my husband.

And every prince has got a bit of frog in him, you have to take the frog along with the prince. As Dr. Pat Allen observes, if you wait for Mr Perfect you'll wait a long time. Look for someone who's more frog than prince, but don't expect 100% prince, because you won't get him.

by Louise C on 2005 Jun 26 - 17:20 | login or register to post comments

Thinking outside the bedroom

Sometimes we men just aren't thinking big enough. Your write-up reminded me of a woman I dated when I was younger. We were very active in spanking and submission when we played. I loved getting her in a submissive mindset for hours. However, I actually decided against a complete relationship because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to keep her in that mindset 24/7. I thought it would be wrong/disrespectful to try to keep her in a submissive mindset all the time. I mean there is sex and there's real life, right.

Okay, this was before the internet. Before I knew submission was more than sex games. It was just me and her being kinky during sex. She would never have been able to discuss this out loud. She could ask for a spanking. Well, hint very well, but she'd never been able to ask to be taken in hand. Even if we'd known what that was.

As for why I feel she would have been interested in a Taken In Hand relationship, well, she came for a week's visit in Hawaii the last time we were together during which we stayed in our dominant and submissive roles continuously.

by Jeff on 2005 Jun 27 - 04:29 | login or register to post comments

signs and arrows

Louise,

I agree that making dinner and listening are courteous.

(I don't (can't) cook but I can and do listen. I have learned that much over the years.)

But back then (late 1960s to early 1970s) it was not common. Any "traditional" women in that era had to keep out of sight.

We seem to have reached a "post feminist" age where women have enough self assurance to do what they want and not care much about stereotype roles.

Seems like progress.

Jeff,

Sounds like you are more perceptive and/or experienced than I was. I suppose there were some relationships back then which contained some aspects of Taken In Hand, but I sure never heard about them at that time.

aging by the second,
RichM

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 27 - 16:32 | login or register to post comments

"Tradition" Under Wraps?

Dear Rich,

I was around in the sixties and seventies too and I think it is a major generalization to say that traditional women who listened to men's conversations and cooked them a meal on some dates had to "hide."

That's just not so. I remember holding a conversation, which includes listening and not just talking at my date. Also I considered making dinner for him a good way to reciprocate in a dating situation.

So far as I can see, it didn't mean the woman was "traditional" or that she wanted the man to take her in hand. Certainly it didn't mean that to me, at all.

I think there may be some subtle things you remember that you can't quite put into words, that indicated her desire for a man to take her in hand. Or, maybe it wasn't there at all, and the relationship petered out for a much more mundane reason: it ran out of chemistry.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 27 - 19:03 | login or register to post comments

memory under strain

Pat,

You could be right, there may have been other signs I don't remember or can't explain. Again, it was a very long time ago. And it may be that the chemistry was not right. On our second go around, I was also seeing another lady who is my wife now. (26 years)

But I do remember the times and the attitudes. The first college was a private liberal arts school with an emphasis on "liberal". The public university was and is a center of political correctness.

I do not mean to equate a person's political leanings to their interpersonal behaviour, but there are connections. Women of those times and those places were mostly not what anyone would call "traditional". At least the ones I met were not. Perhaps I should have joined a fraternity or the Young Republicans.(Tories to you Brits)

Please recall that my first post was about men often "not getting it". I stand by that opinion.

RichM

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 27 - 21:00 | login or register to post comments

Rich, I just want to say than

Rich, I just want to say thank you for posting your experience. I enjoyed reading it and I understand what you mean, sometimes you can't explain it, you just know it (and it was a long time ago.) As to your main points again, thanks for putting them out there and they make so much sense!! Tatiana

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 28 - 04:12 | login or register to post comments

To RichM

Thank you for the encouragement and your delightful article. You give us girls hope in finding a man who will indeed say "Bend over, young lady." By the way, I was 2 years old in 1967, so that makes me feel less age-conscious about being single.

"Nina da Kenth"

by Nina da Kenth on 2005 Nov 28 - 22:20 | login or register to post comments

finding

Nina,

You're welcome.

I think the odds are that you have found and will find some men who could be good dominant partners. But if the men are like me in my youth, they are not tuned in to relationships like Taken In Hand. We men are socialized to "play nice and never hit a girl".

So you might need to say, clear and out loud, that you wan't a Taken In Hand relationship.

And, forty is a great age. You have the benefit of experience and still lots of time to use it.

RichM

by RichM on 2005 Nov 29 - 02:40 | login or register to post comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.