Patience, integrity…and being a little sweet always helps

Up front I ask your forgiveness for indulging in a little thinking out loud, but hope you will forgive me because I do believe that ultimately this will lead to some insight in what some of us women types mean when we use the term ‘alpha male’.

It’s not about some prescriptive list of rules meant to stroke the ‘dominant’ male ego. It’s not about beating my butt over some real or imagined infraction. (Okay, well, but it’s not only about that.) It’s not about being mean, abrupt, or dismissive to teach lessons that are indecipherable, anyway. It’s not about being called “Sir” because that gets you off, because I’ll say right now, the only reason I would call my Significant Other “Sir” is if that was his name. Sir Jones. Sir Smith. Like that. Even being knighted by the Queen still won’t get you called “Sir” by me. I’m an American. We already had that war. My side won. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

But enough about old wars, let’s talk about more recent wars. Let’s talk about sex.

I have known this man for about a year. Let’s call him “Mark” (since that is his name, and that’s less confusing for me.) Mark works for the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency) as an US Army Reserve type. I more or less work for another governmental alphabet agency (don’t tell anybody, it’s a big secret) and last fall Mark and I worked closely together on a major project. We got along quite well, although we had several significant differences of opinion. Mark would remain calm and respectful throughout these heated exchanges; I did not always conduct myself likewise, but that’s par for the course, I’m afraid.

We got to be fairly close colleagues, and then good friends. I liked him swell. Then one day last spring he tells me he has been attracted to me since Day 1, and would really like us to start seeing each other on that level. Well, two things: First of all, I did not want to risk losing his friendship, because we all know how seriously awry things can go in the whole boy-girl department. Secondly, physically, I just wasn’t feeling it for him.

Of course, what with the 18-hour days and all, I just wasn’t feeling it, period, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I was honest about how I felt, he was gracious, and our friendship continued. He continued to make it clear how he felt about me, and I continued to think it just wasn’t going to work. He said on numerous occasions, “You know how I feel. If you ever think you could feel similarly, all you have to do is say the word.” I would laugh and ask him, “What word is that? Sex?” And he would smile and say, No, dear. Love.” And that was very sweet, but still I found myself thinking: Just Not Alpha Enough. I had enormous respect for him, and for his work, but I just couldn’t see us together like that.

Then just recently some things happened to make me think perhaps I judged in haste. Most recent example: He was promoted and transferred to the East Coast. He really didn’t want to go, but he thought he could really contribute in his new slot. Then not one, but two dream jobs opened up in theater (Iraq) which would have placed him back on Active Duty status and cleared the way for his promotion to flag rank, a goal of his which was fairly important to him. He turned them both down, citing a moral obligation to his new slot (not legal; he was in no way bound) of at least one year’s duration, as they had already begun the training cycle with him. He called to vent, and was somewhat annoyed that these two slots opened up less than 24 hours after he had signed the acceptance letter for his new job. His attitude was basically, “Can you believe this garbage?” And then, “What do you think?”

Well! I, of course (because hello? I’m a little nuts) blasted him for not going for it and telling DIA to stuff it. I reminded him about how much work he had put into his Army career, about how much it meant to him, and about how chicken I thought it was he wouldn’t go for it. I was so exasperated with him, and I really let him know it.

I think I may have hurt his feelings, but instead of withdrawing from me behind a wall of disapproving silence he said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. It bothers me you think less of me because of a decision I have made. Part of me agrees with everything you have said, and part of me wants to do just that. But I gave my word to these folks, and they have acted upon my word in faith. A non-voluntary mobilization would be one thing, but this would be different. This would be walking away from a commitment I have made for the sake of personal expediency, and that’s not who I am. I know I asked for your input. Thank you. Now the subject is closed.”

Then he asked me about one of my doggies that are sick. He didn’t get huffy. He didn’t get defensive. He just let me know where he stood.

Well! (Again!) So I said to him later, “For the record, I do not think less of you; on the contrary I think a lot more of you.” Then I asked him, “Out of curiosity, if we were together (he laughed affectionately, which was pretty hot) would your response have been any different?” He said, “No.”

And I hung up the phone, and I thought, “Hmm. I wonder how he feels about corporal affection?” And then, all kidding aside, I have been thinking that it is very gutsy of him to declare exactly how he feels, always letting me know exactly where he stood even when he was supremely annoyed with me either as colleagues or as friends, but still, knowing he may face rejection, and not letting that deter him. So no matter how I act, or how I feel in the moment, he stands in the same place. That, I think, might be very freeing. That’s Alpha.

As they say down here in the south, “That might could work.” But might is the operative word. All this just happened, and I have some thinking to do, because (full circle) there is the bit about the sexuality, n’cest pas?

Kim

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Women want men who are more dominant
The Taming of the Shrew
Love and fear
What you need to know about Taken In Hand
What Taken In Hand has done for our marriage
Romantic rituals for the taken in hand
What do you mean, you want to be taken in hand?!
Out of control, insane, driven by our emotions? No way!
How is this different from other male-led relationships?
Why is BDSM so popular?

2005 Jun 24 - 11:36 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Sticking By One's Principles is Alpha?

If sticking by one's principles is Alpha then he's an Alpha. And I guess I am too. But I don't think that is what defines an Alpha though it may be a part of it.

"Pat"

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 25 - 02:03 | reply to this comment

Definitions and Leadership

Pat: I am not sure it can be defined, definitively. In part because one woman's Alpha might be another woman's Alfalfa.

I do think, IRT character and principles, it is nigh onto impossible to be Alpha without having those good foundational qualities of character; because without them there is no base on which to build. There is nothing there to follow, as it were.

And I do think that some of the insecure wanna-be "doms" that are to be found out there are really alfalfa parading as Alpha, chiefly because they lack the requisite character to be truly Alpha, so they play pretend by looking for an even weaker, sillier character to fool into being "their" submissive.

Hey, whatever works, but if the discussion is about True Alpha, then...

Meaning; if a woman lacked good character, intelligence and sense, she would follow a man who lacked good character, intelligence and sense, simply because she wouldn't really know better. And they may believe they are Alpha male/Alpha submissive female, they may tell themselves that, they may tell others that, but they are in fact Delta male/Delta submissive female. If you use the military phonetic alphabet, Delta might could stand for "dork" by the way.

I am not thinking of anyone in particular now, I am simply musing. Musing gets me in trouble, but I do it anyway.

Leadership is dammed hard work, and can be very lonely at times. Making hard, unpopular decisions is never fun, and thus I am always a little suspicious of anyone who lusts after a position of leadership. I have always felt leadership should be thrust upon one by circumstances and ability, rather than actively sought out as a means unto itself.

In school I played a lot of sports, finally focusing on swimming and tennis. Inevitably I would be elected team captain, although I never wanted to be. One year we had a particularly fractious team, lots of talent, which meant lots of egos. Finally I grew disgusted and went to the coach to tell him I wished to resign as Captain. He accepted my resignation with one caveat; that by the following week I bring him the name of the team member I believed would be able to lead the others successfully, and whom I myself would follow.

The following week I admitted I could not think of anyone, but that I still wasn't happy about it. At that point he talked to me about coming to him to discuss more important matters, and thus not feel as if I was all alone out there. It was an important, and difficult to learn lesson in leadership, and aided greatly in helping me differentiate between "important issues" and "trivial nonsense".

Or to apply to the current forum: Failing to cherish one's Significant Other = important. Failing to take out the trash = trivial.

If failing to take out the trash is such a major cataclysmic event it feels like a lack of truly being cherished, see: "Delta"

But hey, what do I know? I'm just learning as I go like everyone else, really.

Thanks for listening,
Kim

by Justis on 2005 Jun 25 - 20:32 | reply to this comment

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