Have you got the wrong end of the stick?

Have you got the wrong end of the stick?

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 7 - 14:49 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article | previous forum topic | next forum topic

I told my husband about Taken In Hand awhile back. Then he started punishing me at least daily. I explained that for me Taken In Hand is not about punishment. Now he's got it into his head that it's about total submission and rituals in the bedroom and it's NOT. Can somebody PLEASE HELP ME explain it to him better?

Reenie

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 7 - 14:49 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article | previous forum topic | next forum topic

What it's all about

A readers' forum post by Louise C on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 15:53 | login or register to post comments

There are a lot of good articles on here that explain what it is about. You could try getting him to read 'What Taken In Hand is, and what it is not' to start with. And then there's the articles on The Taken In Hand Tour, which are good.

Some men seem to grasp the principle more easily than others. My husband seemed to get it without much difficulty, partly I think because we had been sort of playing at having a Taken In Hand relationship for years, so making it more real wasn't all that difficult really.

I think the best way to explain it is probably that it is a 'traditional' relationship, the way marriage was supposed to be (ideally) in the past. That is the man is in charge, but he is supposed to use his authority benignly, to decide what is best for all the family, not just for himself. It's not supposed to be about him treating his wife as a servant, or just getting everything his own way.

It varies a great deal from couple to couple though. There are wives who apparently enjoy being treated as servants. Some women want more control than others. Some don't want any kind of 'discipline' in their relationship, others (like me) want lots. I think really the only way you can explain to him what it's all about is to decide what it is all about for you, and tell him. See if what he wants and what you want can be made to gel together.

A readers' forum post by Louise C on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 15:53 | login or register to post comments

Explaining It

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 18:48 | login or register to post comments

Well for some people this is what it is. Apparently that's what it means to him. If it doesn't mean this to you you'd better call a halt fast before he makes you miserable.

Insist on a talk and he must agree to the terms both of you set down. After that you will abide by his decisions but if you want no physical punishment and no absolute submission in your life let him know that loud and clear.

"Pat"

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 18:48 | login or register to post comments

I agree with louisC

A readers' forum post by happy_wife on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 19:24 | login or register to post comments

I think a Taken in Hand is different to each couple. What I feel is needed in EVERY Taken In Hand relationship is...COMMUNICATION. Never too much communication. The more you talk, the closer you become and your relationship blossoms.

Before truly finding Taken In Hand. I "thought" I wanted my husband to be in control. No, it's not about control for us. Yes, he is the head of our household, he has final say, but he does not control me. What he does is bring me back to reality when I am going off the deep and and can't control myself. He got me to see that certain ways I act or go off the handle are not good for me or anyone around me. I agreed to let him handle this in whatever way he wanted.

We are still finding our way. I don't think you ever stop learning. He is a great talker my husband where I am not. Sometimes a good swat on the butt brings me quickly back to reality. Other times all it does is made me mad.

Total submission is not for me and will never happen no matter how many times my husband spanks me. He knows this and doesn't want a totally submissive wife. That would go against who I am. For those that desire this it works beautifully. Different strokes for different folks.

Ask him to read here Reenie. There is so much wonderful, insightful information and it really helps see the light. The men here are the most loving, romantic guys around, they just know when NOT to take crap from us..lol.

Talking about what Taken In Hand means to each of you and finding that common ground is what it's all about. In my opinion anyway. I've never felt more loved or closer to my husband than I do today.

Good luck!

A readers' forum post by happy_wife on Tue, 07/06/2005 - 19:24 | login or register to post comments

Explaining Taken In Hand

A readers' forum post by Mike on Thu, 09/06/2005 - 16:19 | login or register to post comments

[See this post for Mike's perspicacious comment. - Ed.]

A readers' forum post by Mike on Thu, 09/06/2005 - 16:19 | login or register to post comments

No web site, no book can tell him what is in your heart

A readers' forum post by Interesdom on Fri, 10/06/2005 - 17:06 | login or register to post comments

Can somebody PLEASE HELP ME explain it to him better?

Stop trying to explain Taken In Hand to him.

It is not important what Taken In Hand is, at an individual level. Pointing your husband at this site, or one on D/s or on DD or anywhere else might be an aid to communication but it is no substitute for it. Pointing him at any overall site is no way to tell him what you want: there are plenty of differences even on this site, from those who are happy never to get spanked to those who need a daily violent raping.

Don't bother writing to him (as you suggest on another thread) but instead write to yourself to help clarify to yourself what it is you want. To communicate your desires, your passion, your acceptance to him, you need a face-to-face loving talk. And another. And another...

Don't expect him to go along with exactly and only what you want. Maybe he likes the idea of spanking you every day - are you going to deny him? Do you really want him to take you in hand in only the narrow way you want, or do you want him to take you in hand in the way he wants to?

Use a site like this to learn what others find good or bad, learn from their mistakes and triumphs. Realise all that can be possible if you feel like it. Do not try molding your relationship directly on any one else's though.

Be patient. Give him time. Depending where he's coming from, it might take years - literally - for him to fully adjust to being dominant over his wife. During the initial period you are both likely to make errors and you are both likely to make poor judgement calls about what it is you really want and are comfortable living with. Don't be frightened about trying things out just to see but always keep a good conversation going.

Douglas.

A readers' forum post by Interesdom on Fri, 10/06/2005 - 17:06 | login or register to post comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.